Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

Hmmm. Yes id leave. However if u specifically want his child. Then stop your contraception and tell him he needs to use condoms from now on

@FlamedToACrisp

Would you both consider a compromise? You agree to try for a child, and once you become pregnant, you move out and live separately, but continue the relationship if you both want it at that stage.

How is him having a child a compromise? He doesn't want one. OP does. That isn't a compromise.

And how is it fair on a child to bring them into that confusing and unstable dynamic from day 1?

You have already had the relationship-ending conversation. Your relationship is over, it’s only down to whether you accept that in time to find someone else.

Oh OP this is such a sad post. No one is to blame for this, you didn't know how you felt at the beginning and over time your wants and needs have changed and babies are important to you. This is going to be a difficult time for you to start to separate yourself from him. You know now he is unlikely to change his mind. Having a child myself who is now 23 I would never want to go through having anymore children. When you go and have yours you will look back at this and probably realise how right it was for your OH to not want more children. Parenthood is the most difficult and scary job ever. I dont blame him for never going through it again. Good luck OP. You will get there I am sure x

Sorry I can't find my post, I replied earlier urging you to leave and you asked if I met anyone. Yes I did. I left at 36, met my DH at 37 and we have had 3 children. Obviously I didn't know I would actually meet someone and have children and when friends assured me I would I thought well you can't possibly know that! What I did know is that I wouldn't if I stayed and would end up getting more and more anxious and resentful.
In your case your DP even has children, it's not as if neither of you will get to experience parenthood so you would be equal in that sense.
Definitely wait until you are mentally ready to be single. It was the lowest point of my entire life being single at 36/7 and buying a house on my own, well with DDog to be fair. I thought about it for many years before I left, just in time.
Good luck to you. Maybe this thread has made you feel worse, not better, but people 10/20/30 years older than you can often know how things turn out and don't want you to live with regrets.

You don’t need to un-entangle slowly. You are just drawing out the pain for both of you.

It’s already over and you know that, so be kind to both of you and leave so you can move on

Also, he’s being extra nice to you because he wants you to do what he wants, despite your needs. He’s not entertaining doing what you want though is he?

@mcmooberry I’m glad yours was a happy ending. It is scary to be in my 30s starting all over again but I have been married before and had to rebuild my life in my 20s so I know that if I survived then I can survive again. I think the hardest thing about this is that we haven’t fallen out of love, we don’t hate each other, no one has cheated, we don’t argue all the time. But then I hear stories like yours and I want someone to want to build a life with me like that.

I have a daughter not much younger than you and if she was in this situation I would say leave.
If he has grown up children he is clearly older than you and has gone for a younger girlfriend. Great for his ego but he won’t compromise. I would wonder why he split up with the last girlfriend?

@Fairyliz

I have a daughter not much younger than you and if she was in this situation I would say leave. If he has grown up children he is clearly older than you and has gone for a younger girlfriend. Great for his ego but he won’t compromise. I would wonder why he split up with the last girlfriend?

Why should he compromise? It's not a new car, it's a lifelong commitment. The man has been honest about not wanting more children and his decision is just as valid as OP's.

@Fairyliz he said they just used to argue a lot, also he wasn’t in a great place after losing both parents close together and went a bit downhill so I don’t think he was able to be a great partner to her. Which is why I mentioned above that after meeting me he turned things around and he’s in a much better place. And his friends have said they were worried about him at one point but since meeting me they have noticed a massive difference.

@JorisBonson
Because he started a relationship with a young woman who didn’t have children. Did it not possible cross his mind that if the relationship got serious she might want children?
Or perhaps he was another middle aged man who liked having a younger girlfriend

Alarm bells ring for me when men in their 40s with older children choose younger, childless partners, when most people could tell you they're at different life stages and if not immediately, will soon want different things. It's the same old male entitlement. He could easily have chosen someone in the same situation as him with older children or adult children who is definitely not going to want more children. It's a selfish decision as he has robbed you of finding someone more suitable.

@CherryDocsInYrBalls I agree, I think if he really doesn’t want any then he needs to be with someone his own age who either doesn’t want kids or has kids and doesn’t want anymore. As much as I might be to blame for getting into this I didn’t know at the time if it would be an issue for me. But I did mention at the start it might be an issue down the line. However if he knew 100% he would never ever consider more I don’t think he should have got serious with me without having the chat first.

@Sadgirl21

I don’t want to make any decisions right now so at the minute we have left it that we both know how each other feel but we carry on as normal. Underneath though I’m just so sad as I know it’s the beginning of the end for me. And I can’t help but feel he doesn’t love me / us enough. I know it might be a different life than he imagined but he would rather we give up everything we have than even consider the thought and he seemed to instantly make that decision which is what hurts. I don’t think I would ever be so instantly sure I would rather split up over anything I didn’t want to do/have.

I don't think you can say he doesn't love you enough because he doesn't want any more children. Nor that he hasn't given it any thought. He already has two so he's had plenty of time to decide if he wants any more.

You make it sound as though he just doesn't want to build an extension or buy a different model of car. He knows exactly what having children means, he's been there, done that and doesn't want to do it again, That does not mean he doesn't love you.

And on the other hand, you're insistence on children or the end of the relationship could mean that you don't love him enough either,

And I can’t help but feel he doesn’t love me / us enough I think this is really unfair to him and unrelated to what is happening now. You knew that he was at the end of raising his own kids, why on earth would you think he would want to start over? That should have been a big red flag for you.
I think its completely fair for him to not want to have any more children.
You say he should have told you then, but you also were not sure then? So why is he wrong and you not?
You are only 34 and he has said that splitting is best if you want children. You need to decide which is more important. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

OP, i haven't been in your situation before but i met my partner aged 36 and had a baby at 39

Leave him. Plenty more fish in the sea. I know it's hard but you'll move on

Go get the life you want and deserve. You won't regret it

Good luck!

But he might have been less certain it was not something he wanted then, but after taking on someone else's children he's tasted life without them and likes it? He's allowed to change his opinion as much as you, not wanting kids does not make him a bad person, recognising you do and he doesn't want that and telling you it's a deal breaker so to go elsewhere doesn't make him a bad person, it means that a maybe before is now a no and he's being honest. That probably shows more respect for you than a lot of men talked about on these boards.