Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

I have said to myself I will give it a few months, not to persuade each other to change our minds, but to check we both still feel the same and that we have had enough time to think everything through clearly. That we know if we split up that’s it. There’s no going back. I understand what people are saying about if you absolutely don’t want one. But without giving too much away I have made life changes that I didn’t want to do but I did for him and us. I just expected more of a conversation about it than “no I don’t want anymore if you do then we will need to split up”.

OP, I really feel for you because it's a horrible position to be in with someone you love. But you are 2 1/2 years in, believe me if you continue on the resentment will just keep building and but if the love is still there it will become even harder to leave.. I've been here.

I knew a couple of years in that my EXH and I wanted very different things in life, it wasn't kids but there was a particular dream I'd had about doing since childhood, at first he suggested me might also but admitted a couple of years in that he didnt. I decided then that I would rather be with him and have our relationship than have the other thing. We stayed together, got married, and in so many ways we were really happy but that desire never left me and it ate away at me. It was a huge life decision so I couldn't and didn't want to force him into it but I wanted it so badly and he didn't. In the end I had to leave to do it and by that point, 9 years later and having been married for 5, it was so much harder! I wished I'd left sooner because it would have been difficult but not half as heartbreaking as it was. It is so hard splitting up with someone when you still love them and overall your relationship is good, but some people have different wants and needs in life that just aren't compatible.

I was 32 when we split up, thankfully we didn't have any kids. Now, two years later I am happily with someone who wants the same life as me and I'm 10weeks pregnant.

It makes no sense to hold off on living your life the way you want out of fear of the thing you want most not happening, when if you remain as you are now you have zero chance of it happening.

@Sadgirl21

I have said to myself I will give it a few months, not to persuade each other to change our minds, but to check we both still feel the same and that we have had enough time to think everything through clearly. That we know if we split up that’s it. There’s no going back. I understand what people are saying about if you absolutely don’t want one. But without giving too much away I have made life changes that I didn’t want to do but I did for him and us. I just expected more of a conversation about it than “no I don’t want anymore if you do then we will need to split up”.

"I just expected more of a conversation about it than “no I don’t want anymore if you do then we will need to split up”.

But what is there to say? Unlike a lot of the life changes you refer to (where compromise may be possible) this is a black and white issue. You either want children or you don't. There are lots of areas in life - like career - for example where a degree of compromise may work well for both parties. But there is no compromise here. Honestly though, if you really want children then no one man is worth chucking that away over. They just aren't. It's different if you can't have them for some reason, but in this situation you'll just end up resentful of his choice being imposed on you.

But without giving too much away I have made life changes that I didn’t want to do but I did for him and us.

It's not tit for tat. Especially when it's as big as becoming a parent.

I do think if you're thinking that way already, you would absolutely resent giving up the opportunity to have children.

I would consider the possibility of leaving.
What if he left you a few years down the line anyway? When you were too old to have children. There is no guarantees relationships will last. Then you'd have no relationship and no children either.
Even if you had children as a single mum at least you'd always have them.

This is heartbreaking and I feel for you

Please don’t let the whole fear of not meeting anyone else make you stay and not have kids. Please consider sperm donation.
You could have kids yourself and you have all the time in the world to meet someone else, but the having kids thing can’t wait.

I would have done this. I kept meeting immature men and I despaired that I’d never meet a man to settle down and have kids with. I started saving for it and then I met my DP.

We discussed kids on the second date. He has two DCs and hadn’t wanted any more but he met me, and said meeting me made him change his mind. I do however realise that’s a rare story...

What I’m trying to say - life happens when you’re busy making other plans... Lots of love OP

He's being honest and clear with you. That is the loving and respectful thing to do. Far worse if he spent the next 5 years saying maybe... That would really leave you in a bad position.

You know where he stands, that is far better than months or years of tormented fighting over what to do next.

He's not being unkind or unloving. He loves you enough not to manipulate you or mess about with your remaining years of fertility.

At 35 your fertility starts to decline, some get lucky but, take it from my own experience and many women I know, that for a lot of women it can be a struggle to have kids late 30s. Factor in you have to meet someone etc ( unless you go Solo with sperm donation) what I’m saying is don’t just leave this decision a year or so. Time isn’t that favourable

He is being honest and kind in a way. At least you are under no illusions.
I'm sorry you're in this situation but there's really no discussion to have, if he's resolved then the choice is yours.
I only say please don't wait too long.

you are 34 .. you are risking your fertility by waiting .. 🌺

Hi OP, I'm in your partners position. Having 3 grown up children then falling in love with a man who didn't have children. When we met 7 years ago I told him straight I didn't want any more and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted them. 2 years down the line he started to feel like he wanted children and like your partner I was immediate and clear in my response that it wasn't what I wanted and if he wanted that he would need to find someone else. He, like you, was hurt that I wouldn't compromise and felt I didn't love him as much as he loves me. I did and do love him deeply, but Like many PP above have said I'm absolutely done with that stage in my life and it's not what I want now, to compromise on that would be a total waste of time and very unfair on a child.
And although it would break my heart for us to split up, I love him enough to want him to be happy and feel the love of being a parent.
Personally I think your partner is showing how much he cares about you and respects your right to have a baby if that's what you want.
He's being really clear and not wasting your time or giving mixed messages, you are able to make a choice based on that. Oh and for what it's worth I wouldn't compare living with someone else's children with having one of my own. It's not the same at all.
7 years down the line my partner is being a donor for a friend of his, so I may be a step mum and am totally fine with that and love the idea of having a baby in my life, I just don't want any more of my own.
Hope this helps clarify that his response doesn't mean he doesn't care about your needs or loves you any less.

@Sadgirl21

I have said to myself I will give it a few months, not to persuade each other to change our minds, but to check we both still feel the same and that we have had enough time to think everything through clearly. That we know if we split up that’s it. There’s no going back. I understand what people are saying about if you absolutely don’t want one. But without giving too much away I have made life changes that I didn’t want to do but I did for him and us. I just expected more of a conversation about it than “no I don’t want anymore if you do then we will need to split up”.

It's sounds as if you are going to wait to see if he changes his mind. He's been honest and it won't happen.

I'm childfree by choice. I love my husband to the moon and back but if he wanted kids, I'd let him go. I couldn't give him that but I wouldn't want to see him compromise himself for me either. So it might come across as your partners being harsh and saying ok then leave- but it seems to me he loves you enough to let you go.

I think counselling might help you.

the risks are far too high... to wait ..

It's too big of a compromise, I would leave. It doesn't sound like he will budge so unfortunately by that he has put you in the position to make the difficult move.

@Sadgirl21

I have said to myself I will give it a few months, not to persuade each other to change our minds, but to check we both still feel the same and that we have had enough time to think everything through clearly. That we know if we split up that’s it. There’s no going back. I understand what people are saying about if you absolutely don’t want one. But without giving too much away I have made life changes that I didn’t want to do but I did for him and us. I just expected more of a conversation about it than “no I don’t want anymore if you do then we will need to split up”.

Use those few months you are thinking about this to ensure (discreetly) you are in a good financial position if you decide you really cannot accept his decision to remain childless with you whilst you want the opposite. Do make a decision though - don't just let this drift until you have no choice.

Actually, as you have moved into his home and are not married (you said partner rather than husband) I think you should ensure anyway that you have sufficient funds of your own to buy/rent and support yourself in case you need to leave and rebuild your life without him, either because of this existing or future circumstances which may arise.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best for the future, OP. 🌹

I would think about leaving TBH. When men say they dont want any more to a much younger GF, they are being really selfish IMO. He is not considering your feelings .Even Boris has a young child with his GF ! Older men everywhere may not be mustard keen, but will often go with it as to be kind to GF. Even if you stayed and then in 5 or so years your RL broke down you would be pushing 40 and find it harder to conceive by then .

@dottiedodah

I would think about leaving TBH. When men say they dont want any more to a much younger GF, they are being really selfish IMO. He is not considering your feelings .Even Boris has a young child with his GF ! Older men everywhere may not be mustard keen, but will often go with it as to be kind to GF. Even if you stayed and then in 5 or so years your RL broke down you would be pushing 40 and find it harder to conceive by then .

How is it selfish to being an unwanted child into the world?

His choice to not have any more children is just as valid as the OP's choice to have them.

*bring

not bring agh*

I would worry you are staying to give him time to change his mind, he’s been clear, he doesn’t want kids.

It’s actually very fair of him, many men avoid the conversation, which would be wasting your fertile time. Cruel to be kind and all that. If I was to be with someone now I would be in the same position, I absolutely do not want more and that trumps any love or relationships. Until you’ve had kids you may see “just one” as a compromise, he knows it’s completely life changing and that isn’t the life he wants.

You have a simple decision to make, if you want kids leave. If you don’t stay. There is no grey here and it’s not his fault or a lack of love.

This is hard to accept, but please don't think he may change his mind, he is being clear, very clear.

One of my best friends married, wanted children, and her DH put off the discussion for 8 years until she was well into her forties...her chances have gone, she is heartbroken.

The desire for children overpowers everything, even love for a partner for many....

Think about the life you want 5,10, 15, 20 years from today, what do you want in it....

I did this when l was unsure about having children and found l couldn't bear the thought of my life without children, it became clear.

I am so grateful, as l changed my direction in life hugely to make sure l had dcs.

No one can tell you what is right for you but you need to think carefully about the future, will he be enough, and will you regret it if you break up.

I’m not staying because I hope he will change his mind. I’m staying because we have a life together and I need to be clear headed and also need to be mentally and logistically prepared when I do go. I am financially okay, I have money from a previous house sale and an inheritance to be able to buy a house so that’s not a worry. I will just need somewhere to go whilst I’m waiting for a purchase to go through.... I wouldn’t want to live here if we break up. Regardless of what I want or what he wants though I’m just incredibly sad. I love him at the end of the day and It’s hard to leave someone you love. I hear what you are all saying about it not being about love but like a previous poster said, it always seems to be the women more set on having kids & men aren’t always particularly “keen”. But I know / know of many couples who have gone on to have them where the man had to come round to the idea and now wouldn't have it any other way. Surely love and investment in a relationship contributed to that decision?

I would only stay those few months if it’s to give yourself time to accept not having children. Don’t stay in hopes be he changes his mind.

I can totally understand that you're upset that he won't even have a decent discussion about it and to fully consider your feelings too, especially as you have made sacrifices for him.
Personally, I'd leave because not even trying to have children would be too big a deal for me.
Only you can know if it's a deal breaker for you.

I think you have to focus on what YOU want for now

He’s not going to change his mind if you stay hoping that he will

I think the only chance you have that he will stop to think and consider changing his mind is if you do actually leave.

But you have to be prepared to take him at his word and accept his position

If you leave he may rethink, but very probably wouldn’t

I know for a fact that I have my ds, never wanted another one really - even with his dad. I’m too old now anyway and was already 38 when I had ds in the first place.

I don’t blame you oh for not wanting other kids, he already has done all that and doesn’t want to put himself through it again.

You’re not at that life stage
Make the decision you need to for you. Just you.

Then he can have a chance to make a decision for himself, or stick to the one he has already made.