Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

@category12 with respect, you only have snippets on here. You have no idea of the ins and outs and yes he isn’t perfect but he’s far from a “Lemon”. He’s always loving but he’s just being extra loving that’s all I mean. He’s picked up some bad habits along the way where his reaction to things is to go in defensive mode but it doesn’t mean he dismisses me completely.

I know I’m not responsible for him but I love him and care about him so much so I need to make sure if I leave it’s done in the best way possible.

He already knows it's coming though. As do you. You've already had what is essentially the relationship-ending conversation. Unless one of you changes your mind - and I don't think it sounds like either of you should or will - it's over. Maybe not right now, but soon.

It's sad, of course it is. It makes total sense that you're both being nicer to each other - you both still care for each other while at the same time knowing you've been unable to give the other something they want. It's like you're both subconsciously making up for that. It doesn't matter.

It's not the worst idea to give yourself a couple of months but I wouldn't prolong this, OP. Enjoy the home stretch of your relationship but the goal should be that in 10 years you look back and think fondly of each other, maybe are even still friends.

[quote Sadgirl21]@Wanderlusto that’s how I feel, if he felt so strongly about this and has been adamant since his last child which was years ago that he was done why wasn’t this made clear it would never be an option before we moved in together? I did try and talk about it at the start but it was brushed under the carpet and I didn’t push it because I didn’t know how I really felt. I don’t think it’s a case of I’m Mrs right now, he does want to build a life together it’s just he wants that life to mostly fit his needs. I have found it hard in our relationship on a few things to make him see that a relationship isn’t just about him. If something comes up that doesn’t fit in with what he wants his first instinct is to say no and dig his heels in. Then eventually he softens and considers the whole picture rather than just what he wants. I’m not in anyway saying he will change his mind on this topic and I’m really not expecting him to. I’m just explaining what he is like sometimes when is comes to different issues. But other than that 90% of the time we are great, all his friends say how much he loves me and he’s always talking about me. He includes me with his family and always want to be with me. He just has difficulty talking about issues. And since we had this conversation he has extra nice to me.[/quote]
Would you really want to raise a child with someone who is stubborn and selfish though?

I mean you should never have to 'try to make someone see that a relationship isnt just about them'.

OP he sounds just the sort of person that out of the blue at some point down the line will announce is leaving and when you have a problem with that with it, will look at you and if you are malfunctioning. Because he forgot you were a human with needs of your own.

As for him being nice now..look I split up with someone a few weeks ago who was lovely, we got on, we laughed, we had similar views on our futures ect... - but - he drank too much. For me at least. Like your issue, that's a serious incompatibility. It's not something you can talk through.

The way I thought of it to get myself the courage to go was- it's all very well staying in a nice warm car because it's cold outside and because your favourite song is playing on the radio HOWEVER - if you see theres about to be a giant car crash, you still have to have the sense to stop the friggin car and get out!

@gannett thank you.

@UnwantedOpinionBelow

I'm sorry but he is entitled to decide that he does not want anymore children, he shouldn't sacrifice that for you. Bringing a child into the world is a big thing. If you want children, your partner clearly cannot give that to you. Either accept that or move on.

This. Theres no compromise with having a child or not.

You need to leave id say

I'm guessing he's significantly older than you. You have known his stance all along and hoped he would change his mind, he hasn't. Only you know whether no kids is a deal breaker. I'm guessing he's at least my age and no way would I want to go back to changing nappies!

@minniemoocher he’s 42

You’re 34. You know you want children. You know he doesn’t. You also know he’s not that good at caring about what you want if it wouldnt be convenient for him. You need to spend this weekend planning out your housing options, not drift for a few months. I know that’s harsh but it’s true. I hope it all ends out well for you, there’s every chance it will.

He doesn't want children but he definitely wants to keep you because you make his life a lot easier and better, it's going to be hard for him to be totally honest because the temptation will always be to try and give you a little bit of false hope in order to keep you
Don't let him fuck with your fertility by future faking, most men need very little excuse to put their needs and wants first

Yeh I dont see why hanging around would be of any use.

As selfish as it was for him not to tell you sooner, he is entitled to what he wants (or doesnt).

Even if he 'changes his mind' now it would only be to stop you leaving. And guarantee if you went on to have kids with him, he would be resentful at some point down the line.

I have a 4 year old and I'm 28. I cannot fathom going through this again when im mid thirties/early forties (it's hard enough deciding whether I was another one now!) It's really not unfair for him to "not consider your needs" in this instance.
You need to either "get pregnant by accident" (not advisable) or leave and find someone else. 34 is not an ideal age, but you can feasibly have children into your early forties.

Just to point out, it is not a 'compromise' to have only 1 child - there is only becoming parents, or not; sadly there is no middle ground.
I can't see any point in this relationship continuing - if you don't have a child, you may very likely become resentful; and if you do, he may become resentful. It is an issue that makes or breaks relationships, unfortunately. Get out now and focus on finding someone who wants what you want, in your mid-30s you have no time to waste.

I’m not hanging around, we are still in a relationship and we have had one conversation about this so right now I’m living the life we have built. You don’t end a relationship off one conversation when we live together and have other commitments. Also for my own sake I need to come to terms with it all and selfishly I don’t want to be moving out during lockdown and go through a breakup alone without being able to have that support I will have out of lockdown. I am honestly not staying with him to change his mind or in hope that he does. I haven’t mentioned it again and I won’t.

I know two couples where she got pregnant when he had been very vocal about not wanting children. (His responsibility as much as hers in both cases).

In both cases she refused to terminate. I’m both cases the marriages broke down although in one case they are still together - he reminds her she ‘ruined his life’ daily.

You have a very hard decision and are quite right to hold the understanding that he means what he says and won’t change his mind.

I hope it all works out for you in the long run. Specially hard when you really love this man.

Agreed, they are snippets, but they're worrying snippets. I'm not in love with the guy, so I'm not overlooking them because of the way he makes me feel.

You've said you've sacrificed things you wanted to be with him, and that he expects the relationship to be about him first and you have to make him see it differently. That's probably why he's divorced. At 40odd, it's unlikely he's going to change.
You feeling responsible for him and the friends thing does set off alarm bells for me.

He's rigid, you flow like wax around him. It's suboptimal. I'm sure he has fine qualities, but he isn't really a team player.

"You don’t end a relationship off one conversation when we live together and have other commitments."

It isn't "just a conversation" though @Sadgirl21 - it is something that once the opportunity is gone, it cannot be changed in your life. If you REALLY want children, please do not rob yourself of that joy. I have seen a very similar situation, older guy (+9 years), mid-30's woman, she wanted children, he already had two, talked her out of it and (I kid you not) got her a dog. They split when she was 49. Want to talk about regrets? She feels robbed, but knows she did it to herself.

True, if you split now, you may not have children - but one thing is for sure, if you stay, you definitely won't.

@category12 why does the friends thing ring alarm bells?

I know deep down there’s no option but to leave as even if I’m not 100% sure on kids I can’t live with never having that option. If he was open to considering it at least that would be different but it seems he’s not. So yes I know I need to leave but I’m need to do it the right way and at the right time for me.

Would you both consider a compromise? You agree to try for a child, and once you become pregnant, you move out and live separately, but continue the relationship if you both want it at that stage.

Would you both consider a compromise? You agree to try for a child, and once you become pregnant, you move out and live separately, but continue the relationship if you both want it at that stage.

I've never heard anything so crazy.

@FlamedToACrisp do you mean get pregnant by donor?

OP it’s fine to take your time with the break up. You’ve basically decided that you need to leave. It just takes time to untangle your lives and you don’t have to storm out right this second and never come back. You can take a couple of months to decide where you want to live, figure out buying a house, potentially changing jobs if you want to live elsewhere, deciding what you want to do about the dogs. Don’t waste months or years doing this but it’s not wrong to break up slowly when neither of you has done anything to make the other angry. (No affair, no abuse).

@FlamedToACrisp

Would you both consider a compromise? You agree to try for a child, and once you become pregnant, you move out and live separately, but continue the relationship if you both want it at that stage.

How is that a compromise for someone who doesn't want children?

I wouldn’t consider anything other than either we are in it together or we split up. If we split up then I would either meet someone new who wants the same things or I do it on my own with a donor. Or I just live a single childless life but know I chose that and someone else didn’t make that decision for me.

@Babyiskickingmyribs thank you. Like you say neither of us have intentionally hurt the other one, or cheated. We still love each other so I need to untangle slowly.