Would you leave in my situation?

[Sadgirl21]

Long story short. I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. We live together. Have 2 dogs. He has 2 kids who are grown up and don’t live with us. I have no kids. We have had a conversation tonight about where we both stand with having our own kids. He says he doesn’t want anymore and this is something he won’t budge on. I love him and we have a good life but his refusal to even consider my needs has shocked me. When we first started dating I did mention this might come up in the future but at the time I wasn’t fully sure I wanted kids. Now I’m getting older I have broached the subject but he said a flat out no. I have said I would compromise and just have one and he said he doesn’t want anymore and although he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, if I want my own then we would have to split up. Has anyone been in this situation and what was the outcome? Would you leave a good relationship for a “what if”? I might end up both single and childless. I’m after some advice please as my head is spinning.

To be fair having one child isn't a compromise for someone who doesn't want any. A bit bizarre to think that it is.

[quote Sadgirl21]@greyinganddecaying what if I don’t find someone else to give me that though? I feel sick at the thought of us not being together but like you say, he doesn’t seem to care about what I want. 😢[/quote]
You have to stop thinking that this is because he doesn't care enough about you. If you left him because you want children, it's not because you don't care what he wants. It's because you both want things that are unfortunately incompatible.

It's also much better that he's definite about this and won't be persuaded. Having a child as a compromise when you don't really want one isn't fair to the child.

At 34 you are definitely young enough to find a partner who does want children and to become a mother.

I think you’re being swayed by the emotions of it, because you’re so hurt. He is right, he should absolutely not habe another child if he doesn’t want one, it’s not fair on the child. It is better to end it than have an unwanted child. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you enough, but having an unwanted child to make you happy would be very wrong.

Because it’s not just about having a child, it’s about raising the child. Loving them caring for them, for the rest of his life. And all that entails.

So it’s not about how much he loves you. That’s not relevant. It’s about should he proactively bring an unwanted child into the world. And the answer to that is no. It doesn’t matter you want them, because both parents need to, or the child will be seriously damaged growing up.

In a nutshell, yes, I would leave and at least try to find someone who wanted children with me.

Having one child when you don't want more children is not a "compromise" . And it would not really be fair on the child to have a parent who didn't really want them.

You still have time in your fertility window, and at least your dp has been honest and not kept you on the hook with "maybe"s.

I'd recommend you leave and look for someone who wants dc (or more dc). Blokes and relationships come and go, children are life.

Leave and have a family with someone who wants the same things as you. If you stay and split up when it's too late for you to have children how would you feel? Also, are you saving for your future? You say you live in his house so you could potentially become homeless at any point.

@Motnight

To be fair having one child isn't a compromise for someone who doesn't want any. A bit bizarre to think that it is.

Exactly this.

And because he doesn't want children doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Agree, you need to make the decision, what’s more important to you him, or a child? And can you live without resentment if it’s him?

It’s as hard as it gets but that’s the choice. He’s made his, and he’s made the right one, as a pp said, an unwanted child is not a compromise. It’s not more acceptable because it’s “just one” unwanted child.

You need to think about the child, not yourself, and what it would be like being raised by a father who doesn’t want them. Who resents them, who resents the mother, of the arguments about who does what, the chaotic environment they’d be raised in. Couple that with the risk you could have a child with significant additional needs, and no matter how much you love them, the complexity that also brings.

So now it’s what’s more important to you and what repercussions are there dor that decision. You can’t stay with him if the resentment will eat you up and kill it anyway. But also there is no guarantee you will meet someone who wants a child, or who would be a good parent, or that you can even have children.

It’s a hard decision but one you need to give some thought to and make a call on.

Can't understand the "only have one" thing as a compromise?! This pandemic in lockdowns all the parents of one have found it hard more challenging than parents of 2+ where the kids can play together! One child will need your focused attention and you will split anyway if he doesn't want it. Leave now while you have lots of time to find someone else

Having a child is a huge commitment that he’s already done and it’s understandable he doesn’t want to do it again. The question for you is whether you want a child more than a relationship with him? How is your relationship generally? Really think about what you want here

@Giraffey1

Look, neither of you are in the wrong here. You want kids, he doesn’t. You’ve both been honest about what what you want.

But you can’t say oh let’s just have one like it’s a chocolate biscuit or something, nor is it fair for you to say he isn’t considering what YOU want. He could just as easily say you’re not considering what HE wants.

You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you - which is a hard place to find yourself. If you decide to stay with him and remain childless, you may be just fine - or you may find you resent him and the situation as the years pass.

There’s no guarantee you will find someone else. Or that if you do they will want / be able to father a child.

There are lots of unknowns... but you may find that if you really want at least the chance of being a mum, that you have to make some very hard decisions. I wish you much luck x

Spot on.

This is nothing to do with how much he loves you or cares about what you want. Having or not having children is a huge, life changing decision, bigger than love and a relationship. For him, bringing a child into the relationship will fundamentally change it, and that isn’t what he wants. He isn’t wrong to feel this way, and there really is no compromise. I don’t want kids (I’m a woman). I don’t even date people who want kids. Even if I went on a date and really liked the person, if they wanted kids I wouldn’t take it further because it’s a non starter. I would also choose breaking up with someone I loved over having kids (yes, even one) because a break up, I’d get over and my life would return to normal. I’m not sure I’d ever get over having a child I didn’t want.

You need to end it. You want a baby.
You are capable of forming relationships so don't worry that this man is the only man out there. Scarcity mindset is what makes things seem scare. Assume that what you want is abundant.

If you stay, you'll end up resenting him. Because he is prepared to lose YOU over this. So if you are the one who cedes and then you are sick of him by the time it's too late, then you will end up in the worst situation of all, holding yourself responsible for your situation. There's nothing wrong with being single or childfree but if you look back on your choices and think, I lead myself here. Then that will make it worse.
So definitely end it. Good luck xx

@Sadgirl21

That’s what has upset me...that I’m considering still staying despite what I want yet he’s adamant it’s his way or we split up. I seem to be more upset about it all whereas he’s being quite matter of fact. There are people out there who compromise and have one child when someone doesn’t have any so does that mean they love their partner more than mine loves me? What makes one person not want to lose someone enough to have a child yet my partner seems willing to lose me over it? Sorry for rambling but my thoughts are everywhere right now.

How does he feel about you missing out on motherhood for him? Does that sacrifice on your part make him uncomfortable? Does he believe he is worth it? has he reassured you he is worth it? that the pair of you have the kind of relationship that will last forever? that he understands that it's a massive sacrifice??

If he hasn't even addressed the enormity of your potential sacrifice just to stay with him, then I think he's just breezing along, happy for now.

A good man who wanted the best for you would feel the weight of these discussions and their outcomes heavily I think.

But like you say, he's going about his business as usual, adamant that he won't have another child and seemingly unconcerned that this will cause you to walk away! he seems to hold all the power in the relationship

He has said he doesn’t want to stop me from having something I really want, but it was very much that he doesn’t want it & that’s that. We were both really upset when having the conversation but the fact he was so adamant it would be over if I can’t live without one felt so clinical. I think my emotions are high right now so like I say, I don’t want to make any snap decisions. But I think he’s shown me that he is willing to let me take on a lot with him (whole other story) but when I bring up something not in his plan he seemed to quickly accept he would rather lose me. His last girlfriend had 2 sons, who were 2 & 4 when they met & they lived together so what I can’t get my head around is that he would take on someone else’s young kids but not even so much as consider one of his own. Is there anyone on here who had this situation and how did it pan out?

Stop asking more questions, OP. It's the beginning of the end. If you leave now you'll have less resentment and a mature break up - both accepting the relationship has come to its natural conclusion. Don't waste fertile years on him.

He has a right not to want more kids.

But I think for me that his willingness to deny me something as important and central to life as this would make it hard to have a relationship with him to be honest.

If it were me in his shoes I couldn't deny my partner the chance to be a father even though I feel my baby days are long behind me and I have no personal wish for more. In a way I would want the baby myself because I knew how important it was for my partner.

I mean if it were buying a car or moving abroad or sth like that ... fine. But having a baby is so much at the heart of things for those people who feel the wish for it, I just don't think it can be denied outright.

Don't make snap decisions but I think you need to acclimatise yourself slowly to the idea that this is over. You don't fit together.

That lack of fit will still be true whether or not to go on to find someone else and have a child.

@Sadgirl21

I don’t want to make any decisions right now so at the minute we have left it that we both know how each other feel but we carry on as normal. Underneath though I’m just so sad as I know it’s the beginning of the end for me. And I can’t help but feel he doesn’t love me / us enough. I know it might be a different life than he imagined but he would rather we give up everything we have than even consider the thought and he seemed to instantly make that decision which is what hurts. I don’t think I would ever be so instantly sure I would rather split up over anything I didn’t want to do/have.

I suspect when you first got together he hoped that your "I'm not sure if I want children" would cement into "I don't want children" so you could enjoy the relationship he imagined.

Honestly in his shoes, he has the choice between being manipulated into being a father to a child he doesn't want vs the breakdown of his relationship. Both are shit options for him so why are you expecting him to fight for either scenario?

As sad as it is, this is probably the death knell for your marriage. He'll resent you for forcing fatherhood on him again or you'll resent him for not wanting to be the father to your children.

And the instantly sure bit...I'll never have anymore children - I'd be 100% and instantly certain that my mind wasn't going to be changed if the conversation came up. If my husband then said that would mean the end of our marriage then I couldn't change that because I'll never change my mind about more children so there's no point in discussing that further. That's less to do with your relationship and more to do with his stance on fatherhood.

I finished a relationship in my twenties with someone I loved because he had two children and didn’t want anymore. Please don’t leave this any longer, believe me the worst pain imaginable is wanting a child but not being able to have one.

His last girlfriend had 2 sons, who were 2 & 4 when they met & they lived together so what I can’t get my head around is that he would take on someone else’s young kids but not even so much as consider one of his own.

He didn't have parental responsibility for those children. As you see they've split up and he doesn't have the to pay child support and they don't affect his life.

He is firm in his decision because he knows he doesn't want another child and he doesn't want you to resent him if you do, so he's being clear that you can leave to do that, as he doesn't want to persuade you to stay and not have kids.

It's one thing to go on holiday to a destination you're not keen on because your OH wants to go, but a child is a a big deal and it should be.

It's for the person who isn't getting what they want in the relationship to leave.

It sounds like he has a good place in the dating world as a man with grown up children and he's in a decent financial position....which could another reason he's fine for it to end rather than be pushed into having a child.

You can't stay together with this between you.

You know charente aren't the be all and end all. If I could do my time again, I wouldn't have had children.

That doesn't mean I don't love my, now grown up, children, just that it was bloody hard work, sleepless nights, lack of funds, time and they sap your energy.

What is your view of children?
Could you live without them or are you a very maternal person desperate to have a baby?

Ffs children!

I was in the same position. Living together for 4 years. He would never change his mind. We adored each other. I really wanted a child. I left on good terms & he was devastated but still maintained he would never have a child. I did meet someone & am a proud Mum to an amazing teen-ager who is my world. My ex never did have any children! You need to leave. 💐