husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

Thank you @peanutbutterandbananatoastie you saw through me! Very much agree with what you said- you just can't win with people can you? Thank you for being understanding and for the kind words. I will just keep being myself while working on my flaws for the sake of my (mostly happy) marriage

Your English is amazing

Zerrin13 thank you, my job involved a lot of talking to people which suited me well as I love talking I also read in English a fair amount

If the reactions would have been very different in a Russian site, tbh I think it’s a good thing you posted on a U.K. site. Not because I think you should get a bashing. But because you need real reflection and honesty and to learn how you come across.

It is great you have good self esteem. But you also have come across as rather arrogant. Good self esteem works best when a person also shows humility and it is only when a person shows this that they can truly grow.

I also think the way you view women in general is something to teach British women about how we see ourselves. Well done for taking the comments on board.

Remember one thing OP a lot of truth is said in jest.
Whe you may feel your hubby tells you you're a princess and you think the world revolves around you is in no way a compliment.
I agree confidence is an attractive quality but you are another level. I'm not going to bash you but you should take stock and think why he is being a bit snappy

@Ludo19 well nobody forced him to marry me either, did they? We were dating for a good few years before we married so had plenty of time to get to know me, it's not like I turned like this overnight. Even my dad jokingly said to him during one family dinner that "she's high maintenance and a bit of a pain in the ass", that was 10 years ago.. Just like my husband always insists that I should accept him the way he is (which I happily do, but he's by no means perfect), technically so should he...

[quote bunny85]@Ludo19 well nobody forced him to marry me either, did they? We were dating for a good few years before we married so had plenty of time to get to know me, it's not like I turned like this overnight. Even my dad jokingly said to him during one family dinner that "she's high maintenance and a bit of a pain in the ass", that was 10 years ago.. Just like my husband always insists that I should accept him the way he is (which I happily do, but he's by no means perfect), technically so should he...[/quote]
You don't accept him the way he is, though, because you've been telling him what he does isn't good enough, that he doesn't do enough....

How do you think that makes him feel? It's not a very nice way to be treated by your wife.

@sunflowerandbuttercups please can you show me where did I say that I tell him that he's doing enough and he's not good enough...

[quote bunny85]@sunflowerandbuttercups please can you show me where did I say that I tell him that he's doing enough and he's not good enough...[/quote]
Your attitude throughout the whole thread makes me feel that way.

He works six days a week, does night feeds and a good amount of housework and your OP is all about how you don't feel like that's enough. If you then complain when he gets home a lot, that's going to make him feel pretty shit and not very appreciated.

Anyway, that's all been said numerous times by numerous posters so I don't feel like there's anything to achieve by saying it again.

@sunflowersandbuttercups can't reason with OP. She's perfect don't ya know 😉

[quote Ludo19]@sunflowersandbuttercups can't reason with OP. She's perfect don't ya know 😉[/quote]
Of course, she only wrote several paragraphs about it

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

So he works 6 days out of 7, still does housework and you have a cleaner , you are at home all day every day... and you're complaining? I'd be snappy if I was him.

This.

Also why are you bringing up what is essentially a communication issue between the two of you with strangers on the net who don't know either of you or the full situation, rather than speaking to him directly? You both need to talk about it and both your needs honestly and openly, and if needs be, go for counselling.

Are you experiencing any mental health issues that could be affecting how you're seeing him/your perspective of the situation?

OP started the same thread in 2017... perhaps she should have married someone who could pay for more staff!

🙄

@bunny85

Well this is the sort of question that I love to answer as I generally love talking about myself, but am never given a chance! As it all about him lately (wasn't the case in the beginning of our relationship!)

So what makes me a prize. I genuinely think I'm very well educated (I have a degree and a postgrad in a very difficult subject- not going to say which as it's very outing and I've already let out way too much, just don't want to be recognised here!), I'm well read (I love books and read daily- not only about parenting!), I'm interesting to talk to, I have a sense of humour, I'm good looking (again that's subjective but my opinion), I'm fit (again subjective but I'm size 8-10), I'm loyal, caring, I'm a good mum (I read a lot to my children, spend time with them, make them organic meals from the scratch, well I love them which is most important), I think I'm a good wife (otherwise I wouldn't be on here asking for an insight into my husband's behaviour- I'd just dump him!), I think we have a great sex life (I love dressing up for him, I have lots of baby dolls, stockings etc, some crazy sexy outfits and I love making an effort and NOT to please him- I genuinely enjoy and obviously he does too), well what else... When I go back to work my profession enables me to earn very good money, I have hobbies, I have lots of friends... I'm also kind, I do contribute to various charities (not a fortune, but regular donations), I love animals, love people...I try to help people in general, I cry if I watch a documentary about someone suffering, I try to do something good (make a donation, make a gift), I love making gifts to people, I listen to people when they talk, I'm attentive. I also cook well and I'm stylish. I'm a good driver, I'm fun to be around. I have a good taste and our house looks very nice with all the stylish things I buy (he notices this and comments on them!). I love my parents and speak to them daily and care for them, I love my mother in law. I genuinely consider myself pretty perfect, yes I know I've been spoilt by my family and my husband and this is one flaw and I'm going to work on it, I'm a bit short tempered but nothing too bad, who isn't, I am a bit materialistic (I love beautiful things and jewellery) but I don't think I have any seriously bad flaws... I've always thought that I'm a fantastic person. I also heard other men saying to my husband that he's a lucky guy and I think they're right.

Didn't mean to brag at all by the way before someone starts throwing rotten eggs my way- just said why I think I'm a prize for my husband! As asked in the question below.

And so modest too! I really can't believe this is how you genuinely think about yourself - so self satisfied it's untrue

You could literally be me! My partner is good at doing chores, he also cooks most meals but he is so so snappy and talks to me rudely. I get you.
For me I just want a partner to talk to me in a tone which is loving. Surely that's not too much to ask?!

Has anyone started a GoFundme yet to save the husband?

I’ll donate.

My take away from this thread is that it's important for women to have an unrealistic sense of self, and it has to be unrealistic in that it's self sacrificing and deprecating. It is policed by British society, but if that fails, Mumsnet is here to tell it to you straight.
Heaven help you if your sense of self is deemed to be immodest I some way.

@johnd2

My take away from this thread is that it's important for women to have an unrealistic sense of self, and it has to be unrealistic in that it's self sacrificing and deprecating. It is policed by British society, but if that fails, Mumsnet is here to tell it to you straight. Heaven help you if your sense of self is deemed to be immodest I some way.

I agree. I dont see why OP is being berated in having good self esteem There are plenty men out there who rate themselves, as is apparent from the many many posts.

I think OP has been quite gracious on this thread - she came in with no concept of whether what her husband was doing in relation to 'helping' was enough, and quite quickly took on board that he was, and her expectations were perhaps unrealistic.

She took on board that yes, she had been used to being, shal we say, put on a pedastal, and that falling off was quite a hard adjustment.

She seems to have been able to have constructive discussions with the man, who obv dotes on her and his family, but is understandable shattered and suffering the same exhaustion that she was having.

There are many posts on here of women struggling with homeschooling, and it does appear that she is the kind of woman that if she is going to do something, she is going to do it to the best - so the house, the baby, the child psychology, the homeschooling, etc etc and she seems to have taken on board that perhaps she cant do it all and beat herself up for it - things slip with young kids. She also sounds slightly frustrated by the role of housewife and child rearing - again, something that many many women on these boards find, especially if they have previously had a stimulating and fullfilling career.

Just because someone has a life that appears easier than many, doesnt mean that their feelings or their perspective of what is upsetting to them isnt valid. Its all relative. And it was the husbands attitude that she was questioning, and she did seem to take on board the reasons for that.

Thank you for this @NettleTea what a lovely person you are!

I suffer from coldsores around my mouth and I am embarrassed about them and don't like looking at people. I can fully understand where you are coming from.

With that in mind they are often occur when I am run down or stressed. Could that be the case with you as well?

I think your husband does more than his fair share but at the same time I would agree with you that being snappy is wrong. Maybe you can chat to him about your feelings and also if you are run down.

Just because it is the work of a SAHM does not invalidate that it is hard work and also can be very lonely at times. With hubby working so much do you get any of your own time to look after yourself?

There are no winners or people at fault here just a lack of communication

@AaSaat I'll be roasted alive now again for saying this, but yes it was definitely brought up by stress. I was so run down and exhausted after the sleepless and isolated year and two bored children at home and nowhere to go to but the park that I had this insane flare up which I never had before in my life, even cold sores I hardly ever get. This one was full on, with fever and the rest of it. I couldn't eat, couldn't even drink. Never mind that's not the point. I was so so run down that my parents almost forced me to get a nanny and my husband offered to hire a cleaner as well. Nanny doesn't come often and 99% of time it's just me and I don't get any time to myself whatsoever. As for communication, as I mentioned in my original post, my husband isn't great with it, he gets defensive and can see himself do no wrong. Afterwards somehow his behaviour still changes (so he possibly agrees deep down but just doesn't want to admit it openly) so I suppose keep telling him is the only way forward.

I just think that from next week life should get considerably easier now and at least I'll get an hour (nap time) a day to myself, hopefully.

One of the issues with snappiness is that it erodes confidence and makes you second guess what you are doing. The original question was over being snappy.

It is unacceptable no matter what your circumstances. Just because he works hard does not make it right.

I watched my MIL lose her confidence due to her husbands sniping. I know its not entirely the same but its only a short step

Yes absolutely I think the same. I can own up to my mistakes as in examples with the water bottle or with opening the door, but in my opinion even through I was in the wrong he shouldn't be using this tone of voice? I know I keep mulling the same issue over and over and going in circles but that's a part of self reflection as well isn't it. Well my grandad never used to speak to my grandma like that no matter how frustrated he might have been. Certainly the calm, respectful, grown up conversation is the best way forward? Such a shame some men don't see it that way... I find it much easier to deal with women on the whole, men are much harder to communicate with and to deal with in general. I often think it's a shame I'm not attracted sexually to women at all, otherwise I find that living under the same roof for years is much easier with another woman, we are much more open to constructive criticism and more willing to work on relationship and especially to talk things over, men are wired differently and I find it wears me down a bit to deal with them, I mean in terms of conflicts and ways to overcome them. I'm not attracted to women though so that's not an option.

You're getting a bit of a hard time here, OP. I lived in Russia for a couple of years and there is definitely some cultural differences coming into play in the posts!

There are plenty of women on MN who would benefit from more confidence and a better sense of self-worth.

Lockdown has been hard for everyone. Everyone I know is getting snappy. That's not to excuse it. Just maybe a "why".