husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

@bunny85 you said previously you are from Russia, how long have you been in the uk?

I was referring to lack of self awareness about your behaviour & situation. Nothing to do with self love.

@bunny85

I thought perhaps Central Asia or Russia as you speak very similarly to one of my best friends who I love dearly from that part of the world. I think there's a bit of cultural difference at play here so don't take anything on here too seriously.

I have lived in the UK for 12 years

How old is your DH, I do think men tend to get a bit grumpier & snappy as they age.

He's 40. Yes I also think it's to do with age, partly at least

Yeah i think what you have to realise is something that a large proportion of women here internalise from an extremely young age, how to present themselves as not big headed and thinking of others first. Clearly in Russia women are brought up being important in their own right. My wife is not British and also has a similar attitude and sense that she is important in her own right.
Many Women from the UK try to avoid any tiny possibility of being big headed, the reactions that you are seeing on this thread happen from the youngest age, even from when girls are toddlers, so you can see how people would internalise that message from society.
I think it's great that you are treading the line rather than leaving it in the distance, which means more equality. Mums net is supposed to be a place for strength of voice to women but often i find it's just as sexist as any other space on the internet.
Good luck with your issues and keep trying to resolve your issues with openness and communication.

maybe he's just tired, DH & I are tired but are kids are older & we are younger. Parenting is tiring

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@bunny85 I think it is cultural then, no woman I know In real life has your level of self importance, and no man I know would put up with you being that way either it's just not something that's seen much and if it is seen then it's being a princess etc. I am in no way saying you should not have confidence in yourself I'm just pointing out why so many posters are stunned at your posts.

Maybe it is cultural, no idea. But my husband is English and he's absolutely fine with the way I am, he does say to me often that I think the world revolves around me and that I love attention, but he says it lightheartedly, without being nasty or trying to hurt me, he laughs about it and says I make him laugh a lot (in a nice way). We generally get on like house on fire and have a lot of fun, this recent change in his behaviour is very unusual and I find it therefore very upsetting as I'm not used to it (none of my exes, as I mentioned previously, ever even thought of being snappy towards me) and don't know how to react and most importantly where it's coming from. Again, I think it's becoming a bit clearer to me now and I'm going to do my part to try and get our relationship to where it's always been. Few comments on this thread (nice ones, I don't care about nastiness) really helped me to see it clearer.

Anyway, thanks again, certainly don't feel like staying and being subjected to sarcasm and nastiness, wishing you all a great day.

@bunny85

I'm sure your husband does love you the way you are, and you've already had lots of advice on why he may be being snappy at the moment and it sounds like you've taken some of that on board.

Do you have any female British friends? I think they'd tell you the same as you've heard on here, but would have put it across in a kinder or softer way. When I said I thought there was a cultural difference element at play here, I meant in some of the responses you have got. If you had posted on a Russian equivalent forum I'm guessing you would have got more responses understanding your point of view.

Mumsnet is a great resource for all kinds of things, but can be much more direct than people in real life can be. Your humour has shone out to me though - your bon bon and lounge comment is exactly the same as my friend has said, except it was macarons rather than bon bons

@bunny85 knowing you are Russian puts it all into perspective! One of my best friend’s is Russian and I remember I once said to her that I felt badly about dragging him to work events because they must be boring for him and she said “why should you feel badly, he should feel like the luckily one because he gets to spend time with his beautiful wife and see her in action.” This stopped me in my tracks as I really don’t think like this.

She is very much like you and I have to say I envy her self confidence. She simply expects her husband to be thrilled with her, because she is so awesome. And she is. And he is. Of course, he is Russian too :) He also does a lot with the baby and works very very hard and she has a billion staff. But she doesn’t feel guilty about it at all. She also has an amazing relationship with her parents and her mother lives with them and also helps with the children.

I say you do you! We are all raised differently and, frankly, I am not ashamed to admit being jealous of her with her self confidence and support system.

Don't mean to be mean but what you do many mums do and work part time / full time and sounds like your dh is very hands on and helpful considering his hrs

@Mommy77 Just wanted to add same here - not only does my friend think she is fab (and is), she also encourages us to think we are fab too and will give that different perspective. No false modesty stuff which is actually refreshing

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Don't mean to be mean but what you do many mums do and work part time / full time and sounds like your dh is very hands on and helpful considering his hrs

Most mums do far more than the OP plus working full or part time. She's on another planet and has lost all perspective.

@CheapLeggins, I have a few British acquaintances, but not close friends, not like my Russian girlfriends. I fully agree maybe it wasn't the best place to post, I should have asked on a Russian forum and I know the replies would be different. I just didn't think of it, I thought to ask here as my husband is British and I'd get a better understanding.

@Mommy77 yes you literally described me, I am convinced that I'm awesome and yes I absolutely expect a man to love and admire me (I'm ready for the next round of tomatoes, bring them on, fuck it since I've already let out so much about myself) and I am convinced that my husband is the luckiest guy on earth to have me. I feel the same about women in general, I think our husbands should adore us simply because we are the way we are, pretty, sexy and successful (ok I'm off work but I'm still successful in other aspects of my life). Or even if I'm not successful he should still adore me regardless. Yes, I think so.

There is a fine line between being confident and self absorbed though.

I think my husband is lucky too, even though I don’t have a long list like you do of my great traits! However, I realise looks fade and being a princess gets tiring. It may not funny In 10 years, when he’s exhausted carrying the weight of your expectations, his work, your jobs for him etc I imagine that’s why he’s snappy now. It will only get worse.
It’s good you are changing - I am too ( although he still brings me breakfast in bed daily!) I have stepped up considerably. That’s love and not expecting him to carry the burden of everything. I can see love fading no matter how wonderful a woman is when burn out happens and he craves an easier life

@bunny85

Well I guess you have had lots of feedback on how your husband may view things so in a sense your post did work! Unfortunately I think a lot of replies have focused in on the different way you present yourself, rather than the actual issue you had. I'm not making any comment on that as you've had enough already to reflect on.

If you can develop some close UK female friendships (maybe via baby groups once they re-start?) then I think they'll give you their perspective in a nicer way, and you can give your perspective to their issues and likely boost their self-confidence too - so win win for all!

Speaking from experience, you have a husband who is working hard out side the home, he is probably tired and trying to do what he can at home. You are working at home, taking care of most of the jobs inside of the home.
You both have your own stresses to deal with and it appears usually you work together well, sometimes life throws a hiccup and we don’t deal with life as we would normally.
You have had a hiccup, both of you need to keep communicating and it will improve, if both willing.

Yes, your attitude probably has annoyed him. He works 6 days, does look after the kids and does some housework.
You also do a lot, and you probably are moaning because you feel like you don’t get time to rest yourself, but it doesn’t mean you should make your partner feel as if he’s not doing enough as by the sound of it he does a lot.
What you should think is- how can we make it easier for each other so that you both get some time off to recharge.

Your husband is a saint. I’m off work due to lockdown and dh is a key worker. He goes to work at 6am and home at 5pm I have dinner ready and all the house work done with 4 children homeschool done. I don’t expect him to clean kitchen after dinner but he does. Parenting is as hard as you make it. Get yourself a routine. Tidy each room as you leave it in morning breakfast tidy away and homeschool, lunch only has to be a sandwich as they get a dinner in the evening.
Your dh seems to do a lot at home but I don’t understand why he needs to wash and hoover the whole house on his one day off, why that can’t be done in the 60hrs he is at work.
Online shopping and life admin isn’t hard nor is it a daily thing. Sorry but you need to help him more.

What have I just read? Jesus Christ

Well I think your brilliant too to be honest bunny85 I could do with some of your self esteem. I have read your posts in the lighthearted tone that they were intended to be. Other posters might have been taking it a little too seriously (although constant snapping and grumpiness is serious).

As a pp said mumsnet is full of people saying ‘value yourself’ ‘don’t settle’. Then when a woman actually does value herself she’s an awful princess 🤷‍♀️