husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

This has to be / must be a windup. No one could possibly be this self centred or self congratulatory.

I hate that you’re getting such a hard time on here @bunny85. Mumsnet is strange sometimes, and once a tone is set or diagnosis is made, lots of people seem to enjoy piling in and giving a bash. Kudos to you for the way you’ve taken it on the chin and it certainly disproves the “over sensitive princess” label that people are slapping on you.

I accept that being the sole earner is a real burden but it seems that solidarity for bearing the mental load of the family has been forgotten. Dealing with lockdown home-Ed and childcare and household admin on a 1h baby sleep cycle is bloody hard work, for all the noise about your poor hardworking DH “SAINT”! My husband certainly starts work with a sense of relief and escape....

Any chance his crabbiness can be traced to taking on the baby sleep burden?

😂😂 @bunny85 .....I think you sound awesome!

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly

You obviously didn’t read the post. He takes the kids out after working full time to give her a break. They have a cleaner to give her a break. I’m asking where his break is?

Ok I've changed my mind. This thread isn't fucking stupid- it's a candidate for Mumsnet Classics.

OP is a good driver 😂 Cooks organic too 🤣

I appreciate you shared your good qualities because you were asked to, so I'm asking you something else - can you list your husbands good qualities OP? Might do you good to be a little bit more mindful moving forwards of the fact other people have them too (including your partner) and that while it's good you have very high self esteem, hopefully you reserve some of your admiration for other people too.

You do sound a bit unreal, to be honest. But I agree that there is no call for your DH to snap at you. Sounds like he's either very stressed or not happy about something, whether that's you moaning, insufficient sex or whatever. Its easy to get into unhelpful patterns of interacting.

But it also sounds like maybe he doesn't respect you any more? I wouldn't respect a partner who presented themselves as a "prize". We are all human with faults and foibles and we all value different things in a partner, so I find that a most peculiar way to describe yourself ( and makes you sound like an empty-headed teen, not an ex professional woman).

You never get a break from the kids but you have time to read daily, have hobbies, ones school age, you've hired a nanny to give you a break including sitting upstairs reading, you've got a cleaner, your DH comes home from work and takes over the childcare and does the night wakings...i can't help wondering why you're so tired

I@youvegottenminuteslynn I do have admiration for my husband, If it wasn't for his recent mean behaviour. He certainly has good qualities. He's hard working, he's a great dad, he's generous, he's supportive and helpful, kind. He's funny and makes me laugh sometimes. He gets on with my parents amazingly, they love him dearly. He is good at his job, he's ambitious. I don't know what else... He's a great lover. He's a good man generally, I don't have complaints, but it'd be nicer if he could drop this recent habit of having a pop at me at every opportunity. Otherwise he's a nice man

Also can I just point out, some people here are making fun of me mentioning that I'm a good driver, I honestly regret opening up and answering all the questions, however just to explain the reason behind mentioning this particular quality- one of my friends' husband had recently bought her a brand new expensive car which she crashed couple of days after, luckily wasn't hurt but still. I thought of it and decided to add it, regret it already, like I said

@Magnificentmug12 thank you this thread hasn't been too kind to me

[quote bunny85]@Magnificentmug12 thank you this thread hasn't been too kind to me[/quote]
Thankfully you’re plenty kind and complimentary to yourself

@AnneLovesGilbert someone has to! It's all lighthearted, I don't take myself too seriously- I just know my worth and won't let anyone (DH included) put me down

@bunny85

Just out of curiosity, where are you from? I've assumed you are in the UK with the mention of how everyone is homeschooling, but I'm wondering if you are from elsewhere originally given some of your comments and language.

@CheapLeggins I'm Russian I'm Russian

Sorry I'm using the app on my phone and it's playing up, can't see what I'm typing sometimes

Can I have some of your very robust self esteem please! I'd love to have that level of self belief!

Mn makes me laugh sometimes. Women are told that they must value themselves and believe in their own self worth yet when they (honestly) answer questions that demonstrate those qualities, they're told they're a 'princess'!

Fwiw op, I do think your dh pulls his weight but being snappy isn't ok.

Perhaps you should record him and let him hear it?

Op if you kick him out il have him
I do everything you do, plus the jobs your husband does, plus my own part time job, plus care for our dogs,
We have no cleaner either and my stbex does nothing around the house
Smh

This thread is wonderful

I think the OP's incredible and lengthy ode to herself has honestly given me a new level of appreciation for her. Amazing. OP I'd watch a TV show with you as a character any day. Quite glad I'm not married to you though!

Can I just point out, your post about what you love about yourself was about 10 times longer than the post about what you love about your husband...

This is definitely a classic..... must be a wind up..... no one is this self centred

@bunny85

Well this is the sort of question that I love to answer as I generally love talking about myself, but am never given a chance! As it all about him lately (wasn't the case in the beginning of our relationship!)

So what makes me a prize. I genuinely think I'm very well educated (I have a degree and a postgrad in a very difficult subject- not going to say which as it's very outing and I've already let out way too much, just don't want to be recognised here!), I'm well read (I love books and read daily- not only about parenting!), I'm interesting to talk to, I have a sense of humour, I'm good looking (again that's subjective but my opinion), I'm fit (again subjective but I'm size 8-10), I'm loyal, caring, I'm a good mum (I read a lot to my children, spend time with them, make them organic meals from the scratch, well I love them which is most important), I think I'm a good wife (otherwise I wouldn't be on here asking for an insight into my husband's behaviour- I'd just dump him!), I think we have a great sex life (I love dressing up for him, I have lots of baby dolls, stockings etc, some crazy sexy outfits and I love making an effort and NOT to please him- I genuinely enjoy and obviously he does too), well what else... When I go back to work my profession enables me to earn very good money, I have hobbies, I have lots of friends... I'm also kind, I do contribute to various charities (not a fortune, but regular donations), I love animals, love people...I try to help people in general, I cry if I watch a documentary about someone suffering, I try to do something good (make a donation, make a gift), I love making gifts to people, I listen to people when they talk, I'm attentive. I also cook well and I'm stylish. I'm a good driver, I'm fun to be around. I have a good taste and our house looks very nice with all the stylish things I buy (he notices this and comments on them!). I love my parents and speak to them daily and care for them, I love my mother in law. I genuinely consider myself pretty perfect, yes I know I've been spoilt by my family and my husband and this is one flaw and I'm going to work on it, I'm a bit short tempered but nothing too bad, who isn't, I am a bit materialistic (I love beautiful things and jewellery) but I don't think I have any seriously bad flaws... I've always thought that I'm a fantastic person. I also heard other men saying to my husband that he's a lucky guy and I think they're right.

Didn't mean to brag at all by the way before someone starts throwing rotten eggs my way- just said why I think I'm a prize for my husband! As asked in the question below.

No rotten eggs. Yes , you are amazing. Now kick that horrible husband out. Divorce him. He is cruel to one so wonderful. He really doesn't deserve you at all.

Can’t even begin to advise. This is way above my pay grade.

Hes snappy because you're a nightmare and not very helpful when he's doing more than his fair share.

I know you said your child sleeps well now but if you were snappy and miserable and tired when having interrupted sleep, and your husband when from uninterrupted sleep to having your child in with him every night this could impact?

Having said this I cannot believe this thread is genuine.