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Original poster

How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

197 replies

Savvyblonde · 27/02/2021 20:32

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 27/02/2021 22:01

Sending you a handhold OP, I have to say I admire your strength in how you're handling this. What is the lie of the land with his parents, would they cover for him? I hope they are the decent type and be shocked by his behaviour and make that known to him and her.

Vivenne · 27/02/2021 22:02

Can't you go with your DH to his parents and f##k his plans up to see her? I'm surprised you've bit your tongue for this long, I would have gone mad already at him and her.

Original poster
Savvyblonde · 27/02/2021 22:07

It's all quiet at the moment. He's off the phone and no mention of going. Maybe he's realised it's unrealistic to go. I'm going to be keeping a close eye on his phone. What if it's just flirting? Is this still anything worth challenging? My heads going crazy. I've got to sit on my hands and say nothing until he makes a move. Has anyone had this? He's phoned her every day this week, but quite often she doesn't answer. Has anyone had anything like this that has just fizzled out? I've got nothing solid worth damaging a marriage of 20 years over.

OP posts:
Semprefeliz · 27/02/2021 22:07

Good luck, op, you sound very together and strong.

SoulofanAggron · 27/02/2021 22:08

Can't you go with your DH to his parents and f##k his plans up to see her?

@Vivenne Would that be a long term solution?

Sorry you're going through this @Savvyblonde . Sad Please let us know how it goes. xxx

Pandapop101 · 27/02/2021 22:09

Op I have pm’d you

greenette · 27/02/2021 22:13

What a turd

Original poster
Savvyblonde · 27/02/2021 22:14

I think I'm calm about the whole thing because I hold all the cards in the relationship. I am the main breadwinner and control all the finances. We have a comfortable life here and he knows it's because of me. She can't offer him any of this lifestyle and he'd walk away with very little. I'd happily tell him to piss off to hers if I had to. I won't fight it, I don't see the point. His parents and siblings would never forgive him and make his life hell on my behalf.

OP posts:
Vivenne · 27/02/2021 22:16

@SoulofanAggron I was thinking going with his parents and confronting them both together.

Mrsbrownsgargoyle · 27/02/2021 22:19

If you're married why do you think he'd end up with very little?

Original poster
Savvyblonde · 27/02/2021 22:23

I can't go with him as I work (key worker) and DC's are at school. He would be at work during the day for 12 hours. If he plans to go at the weekend, he absolutely will have the DC's in tow.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 27/02/2021 22:27

So impressed with your calmness. I told ex I knew the second I found out and have always regretted it. It turned me into a panicking desperate victim whereas you hold all the cards as you say. If you can bear it, just keep monitoring the situation and meanwhile quietly do your research on wha a divorce settlement would look like, what contact arrangements would be etc.

Cameleongirl · 27/02/2021 22:28

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'd second the earlier advice to make sure you can access all the financial information (and make copies of everything) ASAP. Just to be on the safe side.

It sounds like a classic "grass is greener" situation. Of course, the reality would be very different and perhaps the OW actually realises that...hence she's not responding to his calls. I'm not excusing her behavior, she sounds like a complete cow.

Take this time to think through what you want to do - I hope there's someone IRL you could talk to.

autumnalrain · 27/02/2021 22:28

You’re right to wait for him to make a move OP. because if you don’t then he will down play the whole thing and convince you that you’ve blown everything out of proportion and that it meant nothing.

As for this woman she needs to get a life!!! Why is she so obsessed with him and his family? Does she have her own kids?

CoronaIsShit · 27/02/2021 22:29

There’s plenty worth challenging OP. The ‘love yous’, hearts, daily phone calls and plans to stay at hers (assuming he’ll have told you he’s staying with his parents) for a start!

Hawkins001 · 27/02/2021 22:30

All the best op

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/02/2021 22:38

You say you don't want to throw away 20 years if he hasn't touched her yet, but for me the intent is still there as he plans to go and see her.

Him not going because he's been caught out is just that. Not him having second thoughts or giving a shit about your feelings.

CoronaIsShit · 27/02/2021 22:38

If he’s going to go though and you want to catch him in the act, I’d wait until he’s up there and then go knock on her door early on the morning after the night he’s supposed to be staying there. If that’s not practical due to DC and distance, I’d call her and ask to speak to him at a similar time.

What you’ve found out already is enough of a reason to end the marriage and would be enough for me (once ducks are in a row of course) and I’d make sure I’d end it before he managed to carry out his plan to shag her.

Hullish · 27/02/2021 22:41

If he doesn’t go, it’s because she has got cold feet not him.

He’s pursuing her, he’s telling another woman he loves her. He’s investing his time and emotion into her while knowing your marriage needs work. Surely at this point whether he’s touched her yet or not is irrelevant? You husband is open to and is actively pursuing an affair.

BuddhaAtSea · 27/02/2021 22:42

Sounds like you’ve check out @Savvyblonde
From the outside looking in, I would have lost all respect for him a long time ago. In my book, that’s the end, I know because I’ve been there :(

Original poster
Savvyblonde · 27/02/2021 22:45

I always down played emotional affairs and couldn't understand what the issue was, sort of like a celebrity crush, it'll never happen and it's all a fantasy. But now I'm watching it happen, it makes me sick to the stomach.
But again it's about the compartmentalising from him. I don't think he sees the issue with flirting with this woman whilst being married to me. He's showing her all the love and affection that he should be directing to me and doesn't seem to see there being a problem with that.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/02/2021 22:47

You’re doing so well to not lose it.💐

MustardMitt · 27/02/2021 22:53

What if it's just flirting?

Flirting is absolutely worth challenging, but tbh it sounds like you're half way to kicking him out anyway - not a judgement at all btw!

TheChip · 27/02/2021 22:59

Do you think this is fairly new, or do you think they've been in and out of each others lives like this for years? More so now because she's fully focused on him since she is single.

Well done for remaining calm and level headed throughout all of this. He is a pleb either way, as the intention and the messages are there. That is already too far.

Whatandwhen · 27/02/2021 23:03

So sorry OP. Keep your calm head on and only announce that you know the details when you need to. Until then, just watch him closely

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