How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

[Savvyblonde]

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

[eatingmyslippers]

Your cool head is admirable, OP

[Branleuse]

If you say its very one sided then i hope hes not piling on pressure to a mentally well long term family friend. Thats a dick move even without the deceit towards you, his wife of 20 years

[Bananadramallama]

Are you sure it's an EA then? Your last post makes it sound like he's a bit deluded and creepy if I'm honest. Especially putting that with the earlier post that she doesn't answer his calls.

[EarthSight]

Although it's possible she mainly likes the flirting, they could have been having sex when he was visiting his parents and popping round to hers. What also matters here is that your husband us so unhappy in his marriage that he's willing to engage in this behaviour. Has he ever told you why he's so unhappy with you, or is this all for the thrills?

[IdblowJonSnow]

Sounds like he's crossed a line for you with his behaviour, whatever is actually going on in reality.
Good for you OP. Can u keep those messages safe in case he grabs your phone and deletes them or takes your phone?
What if he doesn't go once you've confronted him?
Get your finances sorted so he can't do anything major.
I hope you're ok.

[Lalliella]

@EarthSight

Although it's possible she mainly likes the flirting, they could have been having sex when he was visiting his parents and popping round to hers. What also matters here is that your husband us so unhappy in his marriage that he's willing to engage in this behaviour. Has he ever told you why he's so unhappy with you, or is this all for the thrills?

He might not be unhappy at all. Many perfectly happily married men (and women too for that matter) engage in affairs. They compartmentalise.

Plus, isn’t this a little bit of victim-blaming? He’s straying because OP doesn’t make him happy? Most likely he’s straying because he’s feeling flattered, and wants to have two cakes and eat them both.

OP you need to talk to him and find out what’s going on. You have evidence, put him on the spot with it.

[HullabalooToo]

@EarthSight

Although it's possible she mainly likes the flirting, they could have been having sex when he was visiting his parents and popping round to hers. What also matters here is that your husband us so unhappy in his marriage that he's willing to engage in this behaviour. Has he ever told you why he's so unhappy with you, or is this all for the thrills?

Bit harsh EarthShite

[DavidsSchitt]

"I've got nothing solid worth damaging a marriage of 20 years over."

You don't need anything solid. That said, I'd let him go and then catch him in the act

[HullabalooToo]

Oops. Apologies.

[NeedToGetOuttaHere]

How are you OP?

[Whatandwhen]

@gutful

Why do you think you won't be worse off financially in a split?

You're the main breadwinner.

He is going to take half your pension & assets.

That's what marriage is!

On one hand you sound like you're all over it & very strong. On the other you seem to be a bit arrogant about how you can just walk away laughing while being the main breadwinner in a marriage.

It doesn't work like that.

You would be well served to take your financials seriously & get all paperwork organised to know where you stand here.

Less focus on spilling the beans to his mum & dad out of revenge & more focus on protecting yourself financially would be a better focus for you IMO

Don't assume that his parents will disown him - the bond between parents & children is usually strong enough that they will accept their child, flaws & all.

I feel like you're looking at this from the completely wrong angle - but all you're getting is people cheering you on.

Behave 😂

[FelicityPike]

Good luck.

[lockdownalli]

I wouldn't tell him you know until after he has left. Otherwise he might refuse to leave and cause a scene.

Let him go, wait two hours until he is there and then message him and tell him his belongings have been dropped off at XYZ place (work/friends) and he will be hearing from your solicitor.

[RandomMess]

Ultimately would you rather save your marriage? By that I mean see changes towards each beyond him ending this affair?

Do you want to be sure that you tried everything to make it work - well given him the opportunity to make amends and change and no doubt he will need/want changes from you?

Are you looking to end the marriage anyway because you have become housemates?

[WomanKind]

@Lalliella He might not be unhappy at all. Many perfectly happily married men (and women too for that matter) engage in affairs. They compartmentalise.

Absolutely spot on. It is a myth that people who engage in affairs are unhappy in their primary relationship. Often they actually feel very secure in their primary relationship. There is some research on this somewhere. People cheat on their partners because there is something going on within them, nothing to do with their partners.

[NeedToGetOuttaHere]

I wouldn’t say anything until he goes, if he does actually go as it may be a fantasy thing for him. That gives you a bit more time to plan what you want to do.

[babbaloushka]

Good luck OP, you're doing much better than I would be.

[Hollywolly1]

I'd wait it out and see if he actually goes and stays with her otherwise you will never know, if he stays because you confront him you will always wonder if its because you stopped him in his tracks and you will never trust him,no point in living like that, that would be torture and will eventually lead to a split anyway

[HexWitch]

I admire your calmness OP. I confronted my exh straight away and rather than being a level headed, well thought out confrontation I was all over the place. The outcome was the same but looking back I wish I could've kept my composure better.

[81Byerley]

Do you know what comes over to me, @Savvyblonde ? You don't really care, you're not really upset, your marriage seems to have run its course. Why don't you just tell him it's over? Ask him to leave? And if or when he protests, you have his messages to back up the fact that it's all over.

[IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe]

I admire your control. I don't think I'd say anything until he was down there already.

[DemandTheBest]

You don’t need to catch him red handed in order to decide it’s over.
Simply being unhappy with the relationship as it is, is enough reason to end it.

What are his redeeming qualities, what has made the relationship last 20 years? I would make a pros and cons list and decide accordingly.

[Laila747]

I admire how well you’re dealing with this OP. I’d keep my cool for 5 mins until I uttered the inevitable...”I just find it funny that....”
Then the shit would hit the fan.

Regardless of them having/not having sex, regardless of being/not being one sided, regardless of her mental health and him possibly over stepping the mark to show her someone cares about her....

He’s YOUR husband and under no circumstances should he be sending messages like that to anyone!
I’m sorry but he’d have his bags packed and told to extend his visit to his ‘parents’ indefinitely.

[TillyTopper]

Don't concentrate on him and what he is doing - please ensure that you have all the official papers you need gathered up. Passport, financials, pension info, house info etc.

[2andahalfpints]

Good luck op, keep strong x