How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

[Savvyblonde]

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

Hold your nerve OP you are doing great. Hand hold from me x

You are totally doing the right thing. I wish I’d had your nerve with my husband and his affair.

@Aquamarine1029

I'd be sending those text messages to his parents, as well. What a prick.

Yep

Very impressed with your calmness over this OP. Definitely better to hold your nerve than scream blue murder at him. Make sure you sort the finances so he can leave with nothing. What a dick, you deserve better x

A friend of mine had suspicions got all her ducks in a row and hired a private investigator. She said it was money well spent as he couldn’t deny it. Worth a thought.

Op
Had you messaged about them before?

Why do you think you won't be worse off financially in a split?

You're the main breadwinner.

He is going to take half your pension & assets.

That's what marriage is!

On one hand you sound like you're all over it & very strong. On the other you seem to be a bit arrogant about how you can just walk away laughing while being the main breadwinner in a marriage.

It doesn't work like that.

You would be well served to take your financials seriously & get all paperwork organised to know where you stand here.

Less focus on spilling the beans to his mum & dad out of revenge & more focus on protecting yourself financially would be a better focus for you IMO

Don't assume that his parents will disown him - the bond between parents & children is usually strong enough that they will accept their child, flaws & all.

I feel like you're looking at this from the completely wrong angle - but all you're getting is people cheering you on.

Go to his parents house and then when he's not there he'll be caught out. Hopefully.

OP, you say he suddenly put his phone down and went quiet, are you sure he isn't monitoring your Mumsnet account?

Omg. I couldn't keep quiet about something like this. What an absolutely arsehole.

Your courage is astonishing, OP

@gutful Not if you have a good enough solicitor.

Also I know many people that have just spilt the house and walked away as that’s the RIGHT thing to do. Imagine being that pathetic you go for someone’s pension!

On one hand the whole of MN portrays marriage as the bees knees that offers you protection (bollocks) then rest of the time you’re being told to leave him and divorce him! Mind boggling. You just have to be sensible and clever with your assets.

I am in awe of your strength OP. I wish I’d been so calm when I was in a similar position. Take care of yourself and your DC.

He is Cheating on you regardless if he sleeps with her or not. He's clearly up for sleeping with her (if he hasn't already).

Are his family blind? Why can they not see what's going on?

I think the 20 years have already been thrown away by him. Even if it doesn’t work out this time the way he’s intending, the trust has gone, you’ll always be suspicious of any future opportunity and having that eating away at you forever is no way to live. Without trust, love will die. And without either, what’s the point of staying with him? Not for the kids as that will just end up showing them that a shit relationship is the best they can expect when they are adults.

I think I’d take the sit and wait approach too op. Like others have said is use the time to get my ducks in a row for any potential break up too.

You sound very sensible anyway and like you’re in a good position financially.

You’ve had a nice family day, and all the while he was full of deception.

Savvy, you’ve already spoken to him about this OW, and he is now dismissing your boundaries and making a mockery of you with his chasing, affection, and plans to stay with her.

This is infidelity and disloyalty, and is more than enough to challenge.

I commend your calmness but... what is the point to keep it secret that you know when you can let the drop bomb and nip this in the bud?

Timing is everything, don’t make things easy for him unless you are also already checking out of the marriage and waiting for him to give you a good excuse/reason to leave.

Keep quiet and let him go.

For now, spend the next few days quietly preparing to get your ducks are in a row. If at all possible, see a solicitor ASAP, preferably before his 'trip'. As the main breadwinner you're going to want to know exactly where you stand.

Once he's on his way to 'his parents', if you have joint finances, move 1/2 the balance of all accounts to an account in your sole name. Find and hide (or move to another location like a friends) all important documents, birth/marriage certs, mortgage/rental contracts, all financial documents (bank, investments), copies of tax returns. If possible and you think needful, move any sentimental items and pictures of yours out of the house.

In fact, if he's going to be gone on a weekday, I'd either arrange the day off or call in sick. You'd have the house to yourself to get this all done in one fell swoop. Once done, send him AND his parents copies of the messages and simply say "We're done. Don't come home. We can make arrangements for you to get your belongings".

I know it's technically not 'legal' in a joint home, but I'd probably have the locks changed. Better to ask for forgiveness (and have to change them back) than permission.

Above all else, seek emotional support. Find a reliable and discreet friend or relative, tell him all and lean on them when you need to.

I also think it is wise to speak to a solicitor first, and wait. When he leaves get organised.

....tell THEM (not him) all.....

Awful.

@Savvyblonde
Good luck in whatever you decide to do, you seem incredibly focussed and calm.
Brings back horrible memories for me of my past relationship and whichever path you pick you can't unknow and life wont be the same.