How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

[Savvyblonde]

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

[3rdNamechange]

@RuralJuror the pandemic is over ? 🥳

[yetmorecrap]

A wise lady lawyer once advised me ‘don’t do anything hurriedly based on the ‘it serves him right’ methodology- do things at a pace and time and way that suits your needs .

[Savvyblonde]

@Angrymum22 you are spot on. We have grown together so much over the last 20 years. This is the man I plan to retire with and he will be getting an absolute arse kicking at the right time. I feel sick to the stomach about it but know I've got to disconnect the emotions to get through it. For everyone saying I need to LTB (a very MN response). There is so much grey to this. Yes I'd loved to have gone at him today and thrown him out on his arse, but you don't give up eating healthily because you have one chocolate bar. The thing I've been thinking is, would I have had my head turned if it was the other way around. And possibly yes! I would have enjoyed the flirting, would it have actually gone anywhere No and I think he is the same. He will be watched very closely this week and will be ambushed at an appropriate time, but today is not the time. There is no rush with this, it's going nowhere at the moment, at least not this week.

[Angrymum22]

Savvyblonde I think you have done the right thing. Like you I was in a position to react slowly but I did loose it when I confronted him. I would try and do it when your children are not around. You can get the screaming and shouting done then open a dialogue. One thing DH did that impressed me was to allow me to talk and talk when the feelings overwhelmed me. He could see when I was approaching a meltdown and would talk. He didn’t lie and, although his admissions hurt at least I was able to process what was going on. It took some months for me not to boil over on a weekly basis. He also stopped all contact and made sure I was able to check his phone.
As some pps have suggested it was based on fantasy and lockdown boredom allowing the mind to reflect on life and how an alternative path would have gone. I also think in his case he was taken in by the lovely life she portrayed on SM. We have a much better life in comparison but don’t broadcast it. It was like looking at what could have been without seeing all the shit you go through to get there. He doesn’t do SM so has no idea what a false platform it is. She, however is an expert.

[WomanKind]

@Angrymum22 and @Savvyblonde Have been where both of you are and reading your posts is like reading my own experience.

I didn’t rush into a decision but did confront him as soon as possible in that only open dialogue was actually going to move us forwards one way or another.

My DH was totally taken in by an alternative reality (by a woman who had MH problems too and needed support). It made him feel good to be helping someone who needed him. I think he knew in reality it would never work for a host of reasons.

Take your time but don’t play games.

[Angrymum22]

The OW in my case started to stalk DH after he closed down contact. Mainly via FB groups but also visiting the area we live in. She is not local but does know the area. I found it weird behaviour for a happily married middle aged woman. So maybe she does have some MH issues or maybe she is a once attractive woman who has lost her sheen and DH’s attention was all about her ego.
Who knows but if she turns up on our doorstep after lockdown I will not be as polite as I was when I messaged her.
Savvyblonde I wish you the strength to see it through.

[BlueThistles]

@yetmorecrap

A wise lady lawyer once advised me ‘don’t do anything hurriedly based on the ‘it serves him right’ methodology- do things at a pace and time and way that suits your needs .

my comment regards 'serving him right' was in response to.. it may just be fantasy... even if it was fantasy.. he has fractured a 20 year relationship...

I was also crediting OP for keeping a cool head.. as its easier to lose the cool... I wasn't suggesting she leave right now ... 🌺

[BlueThistles]

I personally would have struggled to keep MY cool ... which is what I meant... so credit to OP for not doing so .. 🌺

[Osirus]

I would struggle not to say something too as I can be very emotional and wouldn’t be able to hide it anyway! I’m sure waiting will pay off for you.

I also agree that there is no point trying to make him stay if he’d clearly rather be elsewhere. I had a brief relationship with my husband when we were in our early 20s and he broke up with me. He asked me after we got back together why I hadn’t chased him - he was surprised apparently.

Well, probably had something to do with the fact that he said he couldn’t see himself marrying me and didn’t like me “in that way”! Why oh why would I chase someone who’s not interested?

Good luck OP - I hope things work out for you.

[gutful]

Just feel like the fact you could hold onto this for 4 years & day nothing, act like it’s all fine shows a real disconnect in the marriage & in this context makes it seem like the marriage for both is for convenience & show.

This doesn’t sound like a loving, respectful or intimate relationship.

To let this go for 4 years, you don’t care enough to say OP? If you don’t care how can your partner?

That is not to say you have caused this. Just that you both seem to not be in love with each other.

You say this is not enough to end a 20 year marriage - the other perspective is you have spent 20 years & why spend any more of your life living what sounds like a sham? Or perhaps that is a strong word but it’s selling yourself short in life + love.

Is that worth being able to say you’ve been married 20 years? Something in you must feel security or strength with this married status.

Because this sounds like a very lonely relationship.

[shutterteal]

@gutful

Just feel like the fact you could hold onto this for 4 years & day nothing, act like it’s all fine shows a real disconnect in the marriage & in this context makes it seem like the marriage for both is for convenience & show.

This doesn’t sound like a loving, respectful or intimate relationship.

To let this go for 4 years, you don’t care enough to say OP? If you don’t care how can your partner?

That is not to say you have caused this. Just that you both seem to not be in love with each other.

You say this is not enough to end a 20 year marriage - the other perspective is you have spent 20 years & why spend any more of your life living what sounds like a sham? Or perhaps that is a strong word but it’s selling yourself short in life + love.

Is that worth being able to say you’ve been married 20 years? Something in you must feel security or strength with this married status.

Because this sounds like a very lonely relationship.

You haven't read the thread have you?!

[BlueThistles]

@gutful

Just feel like the fact you could hold onto this for 4 years & day nothing, act like it’s all fine shows a real disconnect in the marriage & in this context makes it seem like the marriage for both is for convenience & show.

This doesn’t sound like a loving, respectful or intimate relationship.

To let this go for 4 years, you don’t care enough to say OP? If you don’t care how can your partner?

That is not to say you have caused this. Just that you both seem to not be in love with each other.

You say this is not enough to end a 20 year marriage - the other perspective is you have spent 20 years & why spend any more of your life living what sounds like a sham? Or perhaps that is a strong word but it’s selling yourself short in life + love.

Is that worth being able to say you’ve been married 20 years? Something in you must feel security or strength with this married status.

Because this sounds like a very lonely relationship.

What !? 🤔

[Thelnebriati]

I did wonder if thats OP's partner.

[MMmomDD]

OP - I think you get a lot of typical MN black and white responses here.
But in reality - you are quite sensible, self-aware and confident in what you want.
It has been a long long Covid nightmare for all of us. Pushed everyone to a limit.
And you are best to judge what you think is going on in your relationship and how to react to things that come up.
And you seem to have a good plan for dealing with the current situation.

[CandyLeBonBon]

I admire your patience

[midnightstar66]

I agree to watch and wait atm but do feel a big shift in your stance since your OP. What I will point out is that he's not having his head turned and enjoying the attention a little too much, as you say you might, of being persued. He's very much the head turner - the persuer. So keep strong and don't make excuses for him!

[Usagi12]

It does sound a bit like you're downplaying it in your head and trying to explain it away but when they're making plans for him to stay at her house it's not an EA it's an actual affair and if it's got this far it's only a matter of time, even if he doesn't go next week he'll find a way at some point if that's what they've decided to do I'm afraid.

[NeedToGetOuttaHere]

Depends if you find the one chocolate bar is poisonous .

[PetalPath]

It’s astonishing to me the forgiving nature of some people. This must be one of the secrets to a 20 year relationship.

I think you suggested you get the same level of forgiveness, if so, I guess it’s a match made in heaven!

[DavidsSchitt]

"This is the man I plan to retire with and he will be getting an absolute arse kicking at the right time."

Hmm, he really might not care. Sounds like he can simply sit, nod, accept his "arse kicking" and then carry on.....until he's had enough and decides to pursue things further or you find out lots more. Usually the case unfortunately

[harknesswitch]

I found an emotional affair as damaging as a physical affair, it was the lying and deceit I struggled with.

I hope you can work this out, but he really does need to feel that he might have losses the marriage as a result, or this will become a regular thing as he'll now he can be forgiven

[Haffdonga]

[quote Savvyblonde]@Angrymum22 you are spot on. We have grown together so much over the last 20 years. This is the man I plan to retire with and he will be getting an absolute arse kicking at the right time. I feel sick to the stomach about it but know I've got to disconnect the emotions to get through it. For everyone saying I need to LTB (a very MN response). There is so much grey to this. Yes I'd loved to have gone at him today and thrown him out on his arse, but you don't give up eating healthily because you have one chocolate bar. The thing I've been thinking is, would I have had my head turned if it was the other way around. And possibly yes! I would have enjoyed the flirting, would it have actually gone anywhere No and I think he is the same. He will be watched very closely this week and will be ambushed at an appropriate time, but today is not the time. There is no rush with this, it's going nowhere at the moment, at least not this week. [/quote]
Gosh @Savvyblonde, how can you compartmentalise his behaviour so easily?

[isitsummertimeyet]

interested to see how this plays out.. if nothing comes of it and he doesnt visit,, do you just continue to monitor him..

That surely cant be healthy for you to be having to play FBI and secretly watching your husbands activities.

Good luck with the outcome.

[Savvyblonde]

So an update. Finally the conversation has come up about visiting his parents. However, with me and DC's too this weekend before they return to school. His plan was then to stay on for a couple of days. It all came out, I challenged him and said I didn't trust him. She is leaving, moving abroad, he wants to see her for an evening but will do it at his parents so they are not on their own at all. There will be nothing happening between them, now or ever. I will always be cautious of this woman and possibly quite jealous too. But there is nothing more I can do currently and I have to say I am very pleased she is leaving. I knew this would never be anything other than a fling but luckily it would seem it's not even that. I've told him that once she has left I don't want to hear anything about her and never want him to see her ever. There were tears and shouting from me and nonchalance from him. I'm tired of putting any more emotions into this, he just doesn't get why I feel like this. Truly compartmentalised.

[BlueThistles]

You need to LEAVE him 🌺