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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

197 replies

Savvyblonde · 27/02/2021 20:32

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

OP posts:

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BlueThistles · 04/03/2021 16:42

@NeedToGetOuttaHere

It doesn’t matter that she is leaving, your DH will still love her and message her. He will take energy and effort that is meant for you and give it to her.

yip ...

or he'll replace her with someone shiny and new that isn't moving abroad.. although Im still suspicious that she is really moving .... 🙄

Im surprised that OP simply accepts that because She is moving away... everything is now fine.. she already lives a few hours away.. and he still showers her with want love and affection.. how far does she really need to move too... for him to stop lusting after Her... and OP's marriage to be deemed safe ..

I feel sad for OP in that she has agreed to counselling ... for reasons way out with her control and nothing she has done 🌺

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 04/03/2021 15:18

It doesn’t matter that she is leaving, your DH will still love her and message her. He will take energy and effort that is meant for you and give it to her.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/03/2021 10:14

@Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

there are men out there that are way worse
That’s such an odd way to think. There are always worse men, no matter how bad one is.

Im shocked he had the cheek and arrogance to argue with you over staying a few days, but glad he has decided not to do that.

Sunk cost fallacy

LouiseTrees · 04/03/2021 08:49

OP did you explain why you felt you had to say something because if you didn’t he may very well take you on holiday to location where she has moved to and go watch the football at a pub there ( post pandemic obviously) or this whole moving abroad thing might only be for a defined period for a job ( 2 year secondment let’s say). Do you understand the circumstances around her move? Because if not you are just kicking the problem out a short time not solving it.

Kelly345 · 04/03/2021 08:26

@Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a

there are men out there that are way worse
That’s such an odd way to think. There are always worse men, no matter how bad one is.

Im shocked he had the cheek and arrogance to argue with you over staying a few days, but glad he has decided not to do that.

I'm more shocked she actually thinks he's never going to speak to the wom an again. This was all done in secret behind the Ops back. What makes her think it won't just carry on the same way. I foresee a future name change on MN because someone's found something on hubby's phone...

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 04/03/2021 07:58

there are men out there that are way worse
That’s such an odd way to think. There are always worse men, no matter how bad one is.

Im shocked he had the cheek and arrogance to argue with you over staying a few days, but glad he has decided not to do that.

onyourway · 04/03/2021 07:49

I'm glad you've had it out, but you will have lost respect for him, you'll think how stupid he was and you'll be in a different marriage.

I hope it works out, but it's a bit of a journey you are going on and I hope he proves to be a worthy partner on that journey.

WineInTheWillows · 04/03/2021 03:10

Well, I'm glad things have worked out satisfactorily for you. I do think he ought to be showing some remorse though.

Kelly345 · 04/03/2021 01:36

@Savvyblonde

He will be coming back with me on Sunday, no goodbyes. Sorry I should have said that.

Good luck with that...

Robin233 · 04/03/2021 01:17

Glad you put your foot down.
Men can be stupid - even the smart ones.
Good luck with the therapy etc
You got a road a head of you but you'll be ok x

BlueThistles · 04/03/2021 00:17

oh dear 🌺

CandyLeBonBon · 03/03/2021 23:21

Ok then!

littlefireseverywhere · 03/03/2021 23:06

Glad you’ve worked it out.

SofiaMichelle · 03/03/2021 23:00

@Savvyblonde

I'm not going to leave him over something that has never happened and never will. That is just not going to happen, there are men out there that are way worse, he's had a crush on someone and that is the end of it. Sorry to disappoint all the LTB campaigners but I'm fighting for this one. I am going to check out some councillors and try a bit of couples therapy to get things back on track but we will not be adding to the divorce statistics over this.

Good to hear you're on the way to working this out, OP.

Utilityroomenvy · 03/03/2021 22:18

But he lied to you? If you hadn’t seen the conversations between them, then you would have been none the wiser, and possibly accepting of his staying on after your break while you left with the kids. At which point it could possibly have tipped over into something more than goodbye. You talk about tears from you and nonchalance from him. It really sounds like he has a very low opinion of your worth. I understand you not wanting to throw away a marriage over something which seems insignificant (been there, done that, turned out it was something significant). But I would absolutely not accept nonchalance from him. He has tried to lie and pull the wool over your eyes and barely got away with it.

ElijahsMoon · 03/03/2021 21:52

Im sorry you're going through this OP. It's not nice for you. Can I ask what he said when you told him you'd seen the I love you texts etc?

TheChip · 03/03/2021 21:48

You know what you can handle, OP. If fighting for this is what you want to do then I wish you all the luck.
I think you have handled this all really well so far.
Glad to hear there will be no goodbyes!

Savvyblonde · 03/03/2021 21:44

He will be coming back with me on Sunday, no goodbyes. Sorry I should have said that.

OP posts:

NovemberR · 03/03/2021 21:43

You think it's lucky she's leaving?

And you're ok with the fact that if she weren't he would still be panting after her with his tongue hanging out?

I'd raise my standards at bit, to be honest.

Savvyblonde · 03/03/2021 21:43

I'm not going to leave him over something that has never happened and never will. That is just not going to happen, there are men out there that are way worse, he's had a crush on someone and that is the end of it. Sorry to disappoint all the LTB campaigners but I'm fighting for this one. I am going to check out some councillors and try a bit of couples therapy to get things back on track but we will not be adding to the divorce statistics over this.

OP posts:

TheChip · 03/03/2021 21:41

Unbelievable. So he wants to say his goodbyes to her, and expects you to be perfectly okay with that. He is arranging it at his parents home so that nothing can happen between them. So obviously knows himself that if he could, he would!

crosshatching · 03/03/2021 21:38

Doesn't he care that he's hurt you?

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BlueThistles · 03/03/2021 21:35

You need to LEAVE him 🌺

Savvyblonde · 03/03/2021 21:25

So an update. Finally the conversation has come up about visiting his parents. However, with me and DC's too this weekend before they return to school. His plan was then to stay on for a couple of days. It all came out, I challenged him and said I didn't trust him. She is leaving, moving abroad, he wants to see her for an evening but will do it at his parents so they are not on their own at all. There will be nothing happening between them, now or ever. I will always be cautious of this woman and possibly quite jealous too. But there is nothing more I can do currently and I have to say I am very pleased she is leaving. I knew this would never be anything other than a fling but luckily it would seem it's not even that. I've told him that once she has left I don't want to hear anything about her and never want him to see her ever. There were tears and shouting from me and nonchalance from him. I'm tired of putting any more emotions into this, he just doesn't get why I feel like this. Truly compartmentalised.

OP posts:

isitsummertimeyet · 02/03/2021 01:45

interested to see how this plays out.. if nothing comes of it and he doesnt visit,, do you just continue to monitor him..

That surely cant be healthy for you to be having to play FBI and secretly watching your husbands activities.

Good luck with the outcome.

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