How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

[Savvyblonde]

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

[EmptyOrchestra]

You’re doing amazingly well - I wonder if frankly you don’t give a shit if he’s there or not and I can’t blame you!

[TheyIsMyFamily]

I'm amazed at how calm you're being, but it's smart to play the long game here. I hope you have screen shots or pics already so when he does announce he needs to travel you're ready.

[Angrymum22]

I think until you go through something like this you have no idea how you are going to react. Your situation is very individual. She is someone your DH has known for years, has history with and who knows exactly the state of his relationship. She has had ample opportunity to stop their interactions. She may not appear to have been encouraging the EA but importantly she has not discouraged it. This makes her complicit.
I think you need to make both of them aware that you know about their messaging and as soon as possible. Don’t sit on it as it will do you more harm.
I went through an almost identical situation last year. I found it far more threatening than if DH had developed an emotional attachment to someone new to him who had no idea what he was really like. But to have someone from his past (in his case an ancient ex) turn his head was very wounding. Unlike your OW, my OW did not know me and had no way of finding out who I was or my character.
I confronted DH as soon as I found out and messaged the OW to let her know. Neither of them had been transparent about their current relationship status and both stand to loose a great deal. I resisted the temptation to message her DH but may do in the future. I think she needs to go through the car crash I went through.
Like your “friend” she had not been quite as full on as DH but she had not stopped him or blocked him. It took DH a while to ‘get’ this, men are pretty thick when it comes to reading a situation. She was careful to encourage him without implicating herself. When confronted she also said he was free to block her, knowing full well that being the person he is he would resist this (pride).
A lot of pp go straight for LTB and getting ducks in a row. I don’t do festering feelings, I’m far too easy to read when I’m angry or upset. I’m the main/only earner, DH took early retirement a couple of years ago on a small pension that was a joint decision based on us staying together as a couple. It was part of our life plan pre EA. I am rethinking the situation now and will ask him to look for a job to top this up when Covid is over, because it will be me that leaves if I cannot move on from this and if he wants to stay in the house he will need a bigger income to afford it. There are lots of reasons I am staying put at the moment but I will always be in a position to walk out if I want to.
If you confront him make sure you inform her at the same time so that they have no opportunity to come up with a cover story.
You are going to be opening a can of worms but you’re damn if you do and damned if you don’t.

[Nanny0gg]

You need to read @AcrossthePond55 post and follow her advice.

Now is not the time to get shafted even more.

[Teentitansonloop]

You're doing the right thing keeping your cards close to your chest. But he's going to minimise everything isn't he? Is there any way you could be at his parents for when he gets back from hers? Assuming he goes.

[MrsWooster]

It’s all about him-´IF he’s doing this, then I can...´.
What do you want, op? You have the absolute right to make decisions based on you. He may never have ‘touched’ her, have no intention of doing so, and you still have the right to want to end a marriage that (may have) run its course. It sounds like there’s a distance between you which he hasn’t attempted to address, choosing instead to put his emotional energy what may be a fantasy relationship. It’s five to call him on it and try to fix it, and it’s fine to say “you know what-enough. The rest of my life will be different”.
What do TOU want?

[MrsWooster]

Oh ffs. YOU!

[BoffinMum]

If I was absolutely sure of my ground, and it sounds like you are, I would do what LockdownAlli suggests.

[Angrymum22]

Nannyogg totally different situation. So much easier to leave a short term relationship. 20yrs together is a long time and far more difficult to un pick both financially, physically and emotionally.
At 20 years your relationship can be very un exciting but there is often a great deal going on never mind Covid.
Advice from someone ending their first serious relationship is not what op needs.

[Nanny0gg]

@Angrymum22

Nannyogg totally different situation. So much easier to leave a short term relationship. 20yrs together is a long time and far more difficult to un pick both financially, physically and emotionally.
At 20 years your relationship can be very un exciting but there is often a great deal going on never mind Covid.
Advice from someone ending their first serious relationship is not what op needs.

[HereForTheFeminismChat]

Solidarity, @Savvyblonde.

Really glad you have photographed the evidence. Lots of men, when confronted about cheating, will admit only to what they think you know. So you are in a strong position, as you can push back if he acts dumb or tries to gaslight you.

Could it be a silly crush? The answer could be yes. If she's not really reciprocating, it could feel to him like a game with no stakes - he can enjoy the pursuit and the fantasy but without actually having to make any difficult decisions. Obviously, there are numerous problems with that plan, including you finding out and/or her developing serious feelings for him.

One of the key things I'd say is that you don't have to do anything, say anything or decide anything immediately, and all the more so during a lockdown where you may not have your usual social contact and support network.

[Happymum12345]

What sad sad people. Get rid of him now. I wish I was as calm as you when I found out about my dh affair. It was years ago now and I stayed with him. I deeply regret that now and still long to leave. All the best with what ever you do. Onwards and upwards. You will be ok.

[RuralJuror]

@Savvyblonde

I can't go with him as I work (key worker) and DC's are at school. He would be at work during the day for 12 hours. If he plans to go at the weekend, he absolutely will have the DC's in tow.

As a keyworker you must be thrilled that the pandemic is over.

[Tigertigertigertiger]

@gutful
You are absolutely correct and I dont know why others can’t see this.

Being the main breadwinner puts op in a very shaky position if she wants to end the marriage. He will be entitled to a half share of property and pensions . And you can’t lawyer your way out of that.

[Bluetrews25]

Like a PP, I'd be a bit concerned that the PILs might secretly prefer the OW, their "daughter", and won't be too upset at any breakdown.
Bastard fuckwits.
Sorry this is happening, OP.

[SofiaMichelle]

[quote Tigertigertigertiger]@gutful
You are absolutely correct and I dont know why others can’t see this.

Being the main breadwinner puts op in a very shaky position if she wants to end the marriage. He will be entitled to a half share of property and pensions . And you can’t lawyer your way out of that.[/quote]
Absolutely this.

And the advice about changing locks, hiding financial documents and moving investments is just unhelpful.

Seems some people are almost salivating over the prospect of someone going through a difficult time so that they can egg them on to do things in the hope of more titillation and excitement.

@Savvyblonde I would take some proper legal advice ASAP if you're of the mind that this marriage will be ending because there are potentially big financial implications for you if you're the higher earner with more assets. The wrong actions taken now - if you were to follow some of the silly 'advice' - would potentially be looked upon very dimly later and could further hamper you.

[AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN]

Well done you for being so unshakable that you won’t be treated that way. Very admirable. Good luck.

[Vetyveriohohoh]

Well done on biding your time OP, sorry he’s treating you this way

[Angrymum22]

Sophia Michelle. Excellent advice. I do find the hyaena attitude of some posters quite worrying at times. Although op may well be looking at ending her relationship it’s not as black and white as some posters seem to think.
I sat and thought long and hard about the situation. I decided to confront DH before he had made the decision to go physical. He then had to really think about whether it was worth it and whether he was prepared to put everything on the line. But this was on the back of a long-standing relationship, where quite frankly we had been through much worse.
I am no angel and have been tempted myself, in the past, but chose to stay with DH.
If you are the main breadwinner, any messing with financial matters will possibly put you in a difficult position further along the line. The law favours transparency and unless you have a very clever accountant and legal team you can end up losing out ultimately.
It is also important to protect your children from the initial fall out.
I would arrange for your inlaws to have the children for the weekend and for you and DH to spend the time thrashing it out. I wouldn’t be worrying about the OWs mental health or feelings, she is an adult and is responsible for her own situation.

[Cameleongirl]

I suspect her DH is having a daydream about escaping family responsibilities and starting afresh (many people do occasionally) but will be horrified when he’s confronted with the reality of a possible breakup and facing the consequences of his actions.

[BlueThistles]

it'll serve him bloody right... daydream or not I'd have booted his arse out already.... so credit to OP for remaining calm 🌺

[Breadmix23]

Agree with SofiaMichelle.

Also you don't need to rush into any decisions, do take your time. I think you need to talk to him. But of course be prepared for lies, minimising and gaslighting. This is sadly the most common reaction of men when they are "caught out".

Please be prepared for the parents to take his side. This is generally the case and they will often be surprisingly welcome and forgiving to OW (if things to progress to that stage). They may even more or less blank you (this is what happened to me, sadly its not unusual).

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you are the higher earner you need to be careful. Your DH could be entitled to half the assets and pension contributions, possibly even more.

Good luck, I know it's hard. Do rely on your friends, and try and develop a good supportive network around you.

[Cameleongirl]

@BlueThistles

it'll serve him bloody right... daydream or not I'd have booted his arse out already.... so credit to OP for remaining calm 🌺

Oh I agree, I wouldn’t tolerate this. it just has fantasy written all over it, IMO.

[Devlesko]

If her behaviour changed towards him a couple of years ago, and you witnessed this, sounds like they've been at it for at least 2 years.
Could it be the reason her bf finished with her.
He will minimise this, but I wouldn't conclude they haven't been at it for years.

[BrideofBideford]

You sound cool headed and that’s good

But things may not pan out as you think... he may claim they are just friends. He and his parents may just think you are overreacting. There may actually be nothing real?

Do you still love him? If my DH did this I would not try and catch him out for evidence, I’d talk to him and ask him what his feelings for this person are . If he saw her as the one that got away, I’d not stay.

But it sounds as if you are looking for a way out of the relationship? As if you want a valid excuse?

You are allowed to end it, even if he has not strayed. You can just fall out of love. That’s reason enough