How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

[Savvyblonde]

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

[WomanKind]

I’ve been in this situation OP. DH compartmentalised to an extent I will never be able to understand. It was as though he were leading a double life. Flirting and fantasising with OW while telling me he loved me and planning our long-term future. Sickening.

I confronted him immediately though. I saw the messages and didn’t wait. Talking with him afterwards he said he thought it would fizzle out and never really thought seriously that it would work. In my case he was definitely being pursued though, to an obsessive degree. He liked all the attention. It was escapism at a difficult time when he had been very stressed and suffering depression due to work. As soon as things looked serious though (ie OW wanted him to leave me and move in with her) he quickly stopped in his tracks. When he actually had to choose, he chose his marriage.

You have so much control here. However powerless you may feel, you do have power. He will undoubtedly turn the blame and responsibility on you. He will undoubtedly blame you for reading the messages. Take none of it.

There is still part of me wishing that I had just let him go to the ‘new life’ which would have been a disaster but would have been what he deserved. He didn’t think of the consequences until he was forced to choose. Your DH isn’t thinking of the consequences either. He will choose you.

Hold your head up OP. You have done nothing wrong. You have power. Use it.

[Snowmakeseverythingbeautiful]

[BlueThistles]

Credit to you OP... you are controlled and magnificent in adversity..

Consider this... when he leaves for his 2 hours journey... Text HER and his Parents everything you have... and you know.. and that he needn't bother coming back..

Easy for me to say..do this.. but whatever you do obviously suits you and your childrens needs OP..

Wishing you strength and support

[gutful]

A 4 year emotional affair?

It's either gotten physical or he is pestering her & she isn't actually into them.

A 4 year emotional affair doesn't really sound like the norm here. It would either progress to a physical affair or fizzle out.

Am of 2 minds - yes this is cheating. Also if the marriage is described as basically being flatmates for years then at what stage is it an unspoken thing that you're both seeking intimacy elsewhere?

Am confused how someone could sit on this for 4 years knowing & not saying anything.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Savvyblonde

I like your mumsnet username
I defiantly think you are by the sounds of it are living up to your moniker.

I agree with other poster in general that it in certain aspects men in general find it easier to compartilize stuff this is defiantly one of the one(obviously there will be exception to the rule.

Op
Don't let him make a fool of you in any way.
You are worth far more than he is treating you.

My advice is find /get a good lawyer and hit him hardest where it hurts financially, taking him to cleaners op.!

Also when lockdowns are easing up, join a Healthspa treat yourself to this type of self care.
Also treat yourself to a hot stone body massage or holistic therapy sessions op.
xxx

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I agree that his parents might not respond exactly as you'd hope, especially if they know and love this girl like a daughter anyway.

They still might, of course! but you can't bank on it.

Also yes to seeing a good solicitor because as things stand, he is entitled to half the marital assets - so best to find out exactly how much you can claw back on that if you decide it's over. Also need to check how much child care he is/was doing while you're working, because that could affect child custody outcomes too.

I really hope it's just some silly fantasy shit that's going on, and he has no intention of breaking up your marriage - but equally, emotional affaris ARE still damaging, because he's focusing his emotional contact on someone other than you, and that's not healthy.

Good luck!

[MsDogLady]

You and your family lived in another country for several years and returned home last year. For years he has channeled his emotional energy into OW and created distance between you. It sounds like their affair is escalating if they have made arrangements to stay together in her home. Whether or not he actually follows through this time, he has ‘gone there’ in his desire and intention. I would assume that some physical lines were crossed when he has visited without you.

Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate this disrespect and would confront him asap.

[starrynight21]

The compartmentalising seems to be something that men can do more easily than women. My ex did that for two years whilst having a physical and emotional affair. During which time his father died, I had our second baby, he lost his job and got another one....and we supported each other through all those things plus a multitude of others. And he never missed a beat . The OW left her husband for him and he brazenly asked me to help her to move out ! I cringe every time I think of all that stuff now. Men are from a different planet, I swear.

[peak2021]

@starrynight21 I think you have hit the nail on the head there. Ryan Giggs came to mind, and David Lloyd George.

[Shoxfordian]

He doesn’t value you very much if he can do this, I hope you can address it with him and tell him to not bother coming back

[WomanKind]

Agree @starrynight21 It is quite incredible as shocking. I’m sorry you had to go through this too.

[PegasusReturns]

OP it sounds like you’d be better off without him - good luck.

@gutful you seem to be a bit arrogant about how you can just walk away laughing while being the main breadwinner in a marriage

Crikey talk about putting the boot in - I assume there is some projection going on there

OP may well have to split her assets and pension but from then on, all the money she earns is hers. She will continue to be successful and have financial stability and he will have to make his own life. There’s nothing arrogant about revelling in that.

[AnitaB888]

'How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?'

Very easily. Men can do this better than women that's why they can cheat more successfully. They don't let their feelings overlap.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP.

[Iris3456]

You are a hero OP. I wished I played my ex's EA at the time the same way. But I alerted him too quickly so all evidence was removed. The long game is the best way.

Yes, get those documents copied and yours removed from the property.
No, don't change the locks, it's not legal.
Be prepared for his family to be accepting. My ex eventually left and has set up home with ow and both sets of parents seem delighted.
Be prepared to part with assets. I couldn't believe how much I had to give to a man that I found under a rock with nothing.

[Grimbelina]

Irrespective of the EA, I think you really need to decide if you actually want out of your marriage.

If you want it to end then AcrossthePond55 has given amazing advice on what to do.

If you want the marriage to continue then you probably need to confront him sooner and before he goes to meet the OW, and before more damage is done.

Do you think it is salvageable? What do you really want?

[Grimbelina]

... but actually I would do everything that AcrossthePond55 suggests in either case.

[WomanKind]

I commend your calmness but... what is the point to keep it secret that you know when you can....nip this in the bud?

@KarmaNoMore I agree with this to be honest if you think there is any chance you want to repair your marriage

If you genuinely believe their relationship has not been physical then I wouldn’t wait until it does before intervening.

However I guess you are waiting to see if he makes plans to visit or not.

One thing that interests me is the fact you say the ‘love you’ messages are from him but there are no responses from her (have I got this right?) Are there any messages from her at all or just none that are suggestive or ‘love you’?

It’s an awful situation and I’m sorry you are going through this.

[Sillysandy]

Good luck OP, everyone here is so impressed by your cool head.

[lockeddownandcrazy]

I'd boot him out - an EA is as bad or worse as a quick shag ~IMO

[Itstimetoquit]

So sad,hand hold x

[Cokie3]

An EA is far, far, far worse than a quick screw.

It means he has at least partly fallen in love with the OW. Feelings make everything worse.

[Eddielzzard]

What AcrossthePond55 said. But it doesn't sound to me like she's that interested. Maybe she just likes flirting. I'd wait as long as possible before revealing your cards.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

He could just claim it’s a friendship- I tell my friends I miss them (not sure if I tell my makes mates this) I def don’t say I love you to them or send hearts though. Wait for proper proof or he’ll play she’s like a sister card...

[Youllbeoldertoo]

Male*

[Savvyblonde]

This hasn't been a 4 year EA. She has been single for 4 years. She came to visit about 2 years ago and things were different between them. Following this there were messages but due to location, I knew he couldn't see her and it then went quiet until the last 2 weeks.
I'm waiting to get a look at his phone records later and will then ask if he's spoken to her recently. His response will let me know how I play this. I'm not sure she wants anything. The messages are very one sided from him. She has some MH issues and I know he cares for her as a friend and wonder if he's trying to boost her by showing someone loves her, but he has gone over the top and doesn't understand how it makes me feel that he shows her this attention. She's got plenty of single friends that could be doing this for her. It doesn't need to come from him.