Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

[Wandalorian]

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not .

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

you don't have to deal with your feelings. He grows up and stops babbling on about this woman, or he is at risk of being out the door.

I know, but even if I give him an ultimatum I still wouldn't feel the same about him. I get that it probably sounds crazy and I sound like a over jealous wife, but I can't stress enough how out of character this is for him. We've been together for a very long time and never has he had a female friend. I've never doubted his loyalty to me either until now.

I know he's not 'done' anything, but I have a feeling about it. I feel the intent is there and he is testing the waters to see if she's amenable to one to one interactions with him rather than public comments.

You don't need to work out your feelings. He's the one who's developed an infatuation. He's idealising this woman. You say he's toned down, but he needs to stop. He's making a fool of himself and of you.

A lot of the compliments you mention seem to be more of the 'fan boy' variety than that of someone he's sexually attracted to. Could it not be that she is just someone he admires, and especially now during lockdown, his hobby is the one thing keeping him going?

I don't use social media to every engage with people I follow. However, during lockdown, I have started to engage online with some people who post a lot about my hobby - a lot of people have tbf, as it's the only real social interaction anyone has atm. They're all mostly women I follow, but there is one bloke whose stuff I like, comment on, and even tell my bf about. But there's nothing sexual, I don't fancy him at all - but his posts everyday are the most interesting thing in my morning.

The fact he showed you the blog and told you about it, means he's not being secretive. Surely, if he were, he just wouldn't have mentioned it. He's probably embarrassed because he's a grown adult who's fan boy-ing. There was a thread here once with a woman who dumped her date because she saw him commenting excitedly on all Taylor Swift's posts - and all the women agreed with her, saying it wasn't sexy behaviour for a man.

Would you feel as weird if the blog was run by a man? Unless he's commenting on her appearance or flirting with her, I would just assume, he respects her writing on his hobby, is a bit of a fan, and is trying to feel connected to people during a weird time in the world.

I get what you are both saying.

I'm sure he would stop if I gave him an ultimatum, stop complimenting her, stop trying to get her attention (this he denies), or we are over.

I can't work out how I feel though. I don't feel I can leave over it, but he's ruined my trust now and I crazy as it sounds I don't think I can trust him the same.

How would he feel if you were gushing over a local mans blog? Would he even care?
He sounds like a school boy. Very unattractive. Is he having a mid life crisis?

@BibbityBobbety He showed me the blog before all his comments started though, and the comments are not on the blog itself, but on her social media which he wouldn't think I'd look at.

Yes it is just an interest they share. He couldn't put comments about her appearance though cause that would look even weirder than his OTT praise of her insights and blog and probably freak her out.

Trust me when I say it's so out of character for him.

Out of character behaviour = mid-life crisis. Especially when they become lovey-dovey when previously they weren't. Bit sad really, for all concerned.
How old is he?

@Silenceisgolden20 The comments he's been making - if it were me making those comments - he'd go absolutely batshit at me. That's how I know. Also he looked very worried when I told him I saw them

He's 42.

Then he's a silly old fool.
How does he think you're going to be sexually attracted to him with this?
He's looking ridiculous

I don't even think he considers how I'd not be attracted to him. We've been together a long time.

He looked mortified when I told him I'd seen his comments to her.

He looked mortified because he's been living in airy-fairy land and you've just burst his bubble. He's probably embarrassed.

I know this seems like a major thing at the moment, but at least it's not a real-life affair/infidelity.

I don't want you to think i'm minimising your situation because that's not my intention. I do really feel for you. But I think you need to know that the mid-life crisis affects their brains and they can become proper strangers, seemingly overnight. If it's just a make-believe infatuation, you may well have got away lightly, as long as you can nip his childish behaviour in the bud right now.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, I think he is just in 'fandom' mode. Fans of people can get swept up in the worship status. I really don't think you should leave over it, but if you think you cant trust him anymore and want to leave then that is totally down to your choice. I have some background to 'fandom' and deal with it daily in a slightly different way. My partner is a musician and has recently released his latest album. He has many, many fans and a lot of them are women of a certain age, as I am, who not only are married but their husbands are also fans. I read what they put and its serious fandom territory, very similar to what your husband writes. I speak to my partner about it and ask how he deals with this adoration. He says it comes with the territory and he is complimented that they like his music and buy is albums. What I am trying to say is this may just be an infatuation that has sent his brain firing off. I am sure he wouldn't run off with her by any means but its just a bit of escape. Try, if you can, to step back a bit and work on re trusting him if that is the right move for you.

That's just fucking weird OP. Every day?? Like can't he give it a rest?? Especially after he knows you've seen it. The worst thing about this is that she lives locally, and I'd be really pissed off at he's massively trying to get her attention. Pick meeeee!!! I follow a few people online, and I don't comment or like every single post.

The real test here would be how he would feel if you were acting the same over some local man and wrote gushing praise. I dare say that he would hit the roof. That's what I would do to really highlight how offensive his behaviour is to him.

OP, you really must share what she vlogs about. Is it something that is normally very male dominated, by any chance?

I agree he's in fantasy land. I'd watch and wait tbh. Likely to fade.

What sort of comments is he making? If it was stuff like "this is really interesting" or "that was very insightful" or "I really enjoyed your vlog" then I wouldn't mind too much but if it was "you are so amazing" or "I can't stop watching you" or that type of thing then I'd be pissed off too. Is he normally very passionate about this hobby or is he particularly keen on her vlogs because she's an attractive woman rather than her being an authority on the subject?

Yes it's a normally very male based hobby.

It's comments like

"You should make videos every day"
"The other contributers (to the blog) are nothing compared to your insight"
"You are a game changer"
"No face painting or pretence with you - gotta love it"
"Where is (her name) today?"
"(her name) is my favourite contributor (to the blog)"
"Is there a fire in that fireplace?" (fireplace behind in her house)
"Great to see (her name)"
"She doesn't pout, she's so down to earth and insightful"

It goes on and on since he found it 3 months ago. He does comment about the hobby, but he never ever compliments any of the other contributors and there are way way more comments from him about her - only a very few vague comments to her from the others.

Urgh sounds like one of those blokes who’s comments I read and think ‘creep’ and imagine them to be lonely and single, but also think, I wonder if their DP is aware of this.

I wouldn’t be happy about it OP, not really because of him crossing a like but how I view those men, and now I’d think my DH is one of them.

Yes I did think she's maybe thinking that.

He was sooo sheepish when I told him. He was flapping and trying to over explain it away. Apparently he only makes those comments to her because he doesn't like some of the other contributors on the website but he can't actually say that without getting banned

Sorry OP-
Just wanted to mention Dress3 said: He's making a fool of himself and of you.

He is only making a fool of himself. He is not making a fool of the OP, as she is not responsible for his stupid behaviour. It just bugs me when women feel humiliated by the bad behaviour of their partners. It is not right.

Oh God it's so cringeworthy......
My fanny wound dry up and I would find it hard to not only respect but be attracted to him

Have you asked him how he’d feel if it was you doing that? Does he think it’s appropriate? I’d push it back to him and ask him where he thinks the boundary should be here.
Know what you mean about seeing him with different eyes though, some things just change a relationship and it’s hard to get past. Everyone had a different line.