Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

[Wandalorian]

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not .

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

I was (am) on the receiving end of this slimey behaviour. I have an insta page for my side hustle business. My business is very face to face so I had to suspend it during the pandemic. I was only occasionally posting a photo of a take away coffee or if I went for a nice walk, just to keep myself out there and for people to remember me.
Anyway, this guy who used my service one time started commenting on every post and eventually started sending creepy messages on WhatsApp as he had my number. It started with just innocent comments, but then the messages started to be more and more creepy, including “how is the most beautiful woman in the world today’ ‘I miss you’. I have never replied to him.
I even had missed calls from his number over Christmas...
I blocked him now but I am pretty sure he is messaging me from another account.
I met him ONCE. He is married, I know who his wife is.

Haven’t RTFT just snippets.

Could your unsure feelings be because he’s never been like this with you, your skill, your hobby etc in all the time you’ve been together but he has with some stranger on the internet?

I personally would be upset. More than upset. I do amazing things as do you (big and little count) and you should get complimented accordingly.

He’s gushing, lavishing praise and fanning the ego of a random woman but couldn’t do that for you and whether you’d appreciate that or not he NEVER bothered.

Even if it is a crush on this woman it really puts it starkly that he’s happy to let you be and prop up yourself

His reaction says alot about his intentions. It would appear that he's trying to solicit a response? Had this vlogger responded it could have escalated quickly, particularly as she's local.

Chris Packham is a cock. Sooo funny

And lol at dead Robert Palmer. 😂

Those messages are toe curlingly cringey. I'm embarrassed for him

Yes it's not just the comments, but the way he is complimenting her but he very rarely compliments me anymore.

Our relationship is quite stale tbh and we've been together a long time. He's still affectionate and also sexual with me but both reduced over the past few years and became a bit mechanical. It's stayed at the reduced level for ages though, no recent changes. I do try making effort sometimes though whereas he doesn't really. I know he does love me very much, but he takes me for granted.

I'm getting more and more angry.

He's at work (not stressful work) and I sent him an email outlining how I feel. I text to say I've sent you an email and he replied with "Not interested in emails". So angry. I replied I'm leaving then if you cannot even be bothered reading an email from me but you make time for your online messages.

I really don't care anymore.

Ah shit OP, that's a shitty attitude from him. No doubt it's a self defense strategy from him, double down on his position kind of? It's not acceptable though to just dismiss your worries and reaching out to him like that.

Oh my word. What an horrendous attitude. He’d be on the sofa or at his mother’s house if he spoke to me like that.

Not interested in emails? He’d be getting a rocket up his arse with that attitude.

Yup. What he is not interested in is facing it or being the bad guy. Keep swinging between hurt and anger. Think I prefer anger.

@Wandalorian

Yes it's not just the comments, but the way he is complimenting her but he very rarely compliments me anymore.

Our relationship is quite stale tbh and we've been together a long time. He's still affectionate and also sexual with me but both reduced over the past few years and became a bit mechanical. It's stayed at the reduced level for ages though, no recent changes. I do try making effort sometimes though whereas he doesn't really. I know he does love me very much, but he takes me for granted.

I'm getting more and more angry.

He's at work (not stressful work) and I sent him an email outlining how I feel. I text to say I've sent you an email and he replied with "Not interested in emails". So angry. I replied I'm leaving then if you cannot even be bothered reading an email from me but you make time for your online messages.

I really don't care anymore.

Good for you OP. He sounds like an absolute creepy nonsense to that poor lass, whilst in the meantime making you feel crap and not respected.

He doesn’t deserve you tbh. By the sounds of it, it’s only not gone further because she’ll be repulsed by him, not because he’s not tried

I feel sorry for you OP. I wound definitely feel the same as you. Midlife crisis or not, it’s not acceptable. As you’ve seen, some people wouldn’t feel jealous and that’s fair enough but it doesn’t mean his actions are appropriate

What a horrible response, OP.

@Wandalorian

Yup. What he is not interested in is facing it or being the bad guy. Keep swinging between hurt and anger. Think I prefer anger.

Anger is more constructive in situations like these I think.

If you must stay with him, Let it slide now it's getting out of hand.
I think there's deeper issues in this relationship and him commenting on her blog has just highlighted them and made them worse. The fact he's taking you for granted tells me you now to need to start being the bitch. He needs reminding that you want him, don't need him, he's lucky to have and there's plenty of men out there who want you. By this I mean you need to become less available, find new hobbies, not interested in his life as much anymore, be a confident independent woman so you have no time for his childishness. It really is pathetic what he's doing. A real man would be too busy with YOU and trying to constantly keep you happy. He needs things shaken up and to kept on his toes

Also if it was me - Instead of getting angry at him, I'd simply laugh at how pathetic what he's doing is. Literally laugh at him, in front of him, be a bitch for once and watch how pathetic he feels. It will kill him

So angry. I replied I'm leaving then if you cannot even be bothered reading an email from me but you make time for your online messages.

But will you go through with this?
Because otherwise its just an empty threat.

Does she ever respond to him? Or is it as one-sided as it sounds? I'm not sure I could get worked up over this. He's not telling her she's gorgeous and sexy and he wants her, he's fan-girling over someone who is an expert in the same hobby as him and she just happens to be a woman. He's also been open about following her.

@Wandalorian

Yup. What he is not interested in is facing it or being the bad guy. Keep swinging between hurt and anger. Think I prefer anger.

Wow, you go girl!

The key question - do you have kids?

Because if it's a no, I'd not hesitate in leaving a bloke like this.

Just grim all round - firstly, how fucking embarrassing to have one of those emoji-splattering online creeps with their slightly lechy comments as your actual husband. We have all scanned blogs and FB posts and seen those kind of men pop up with their endless smiley faces and hearts and thought, shudder.

And then to have the same lowlife little creep respond to you like that - omg - the haughty 'not interested in emails' -?! who the fuck do you think you are - you do realise that now I've seen what a total loser you are I've already got one foot out of the door!?! - do you want to stay married to a normal woman - if so then yes I suggest you do get fucking interested in emails RIGHT NOW.

I don't think I'd have it in me not to just drop him like a sack of cringy shit.

So angry. I replied I'm leaving then if you cannot even be bothered reading an email from me but you make time for your online messages

Is this true. Are you?

As much as I’d cringe myself inside out of my husband was the creepy bloke on line perving and smarming on some woman, I am also not up for using threats as some form of blackmail if you don’t mean it.

Wow, his "not interested in emails" was beyond rude and dismissive.

I don't know what your situation is with DC, etc. but if possible, I wouldn't be there when he got home from work.

I'd spend the night with a friend or a nice hotel.

@Viviennemary

It's annoying and he's bring a bit silly. I think I'd develop a crush on some hunky guy and see how he likes it. Put his photo next to your bed.

I would do this 👏

You've called him out and he doesn't like it

What a twat

As much as your DH sounds like a twat in terms of his responses to you, I wouldn’t be hurt over this kind of attention to some blogger. In fact I would think it was cringeworthy and pathetic and would have no hesitation in telling him so.

But she is hurt