Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

[Wandalorian]

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not .

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

@AlternativePerspective

As much as your DH sounds like a twat in terms of his responses to you, I wouldn’t be hurt over this kind of attention to some blogger. In fact I would think it was cringeworthy and pathetic and would have no hesitation in telling him so.

No I wouldn’t be hurt either. I’d be cringing and It would put me right off him, so I’m not sure I could continue, as once you get th ick, there’s no coming back from it. I think the “oh god, you’re that creep” shudder would replace any hurt.

Yes but again, the OP is hurt so people saying they wouldn't be doesn't really help.

@Wandalorian

Yes it's not just the comments, but the way he is complimenting her but he very rarely compliments me anymore.

Our relationship is quite stale tbh and we've been together a long time. He's still affectionate and also sexual with me but both reduced over the past few years and became a bit mechanical. It's stayed at the reduced level for ages though, no recent changes. I do try making effort sometimes though whereas he doesn't really. I know he does love me very much, but he takes me for granted.

I'm getting more and more angry.

He's at work (not stressful work) and I sent him an email outlining how I feel. I text to say I've sent you an email and he replied with "Not interested in emails". So angry. I replied I'm leaving then if you cannot even be bothered reading an email from me but you make time for your online messages.

I really don't care anymore.

Yes you should leave. He needs a massive wake up call. His being a complete dick and embarrassing himself. That women must read them comments and cringe

Maybe you should ponder why he seems enthusiastic about this upbeat and accomplished woman

This comment hurt. Because it's how I see myself too. DH and I have two shared passions but one isn't possible due to the pandemic. I don't share in his other main passion that this woman does.

I am boring probably. My other interests are boring ones. I don't have an interesting or respected job. I'm kind but I'm not witty like her, not a good conversationalist like her and I don't have a creative or musical bone in my body.

I'm not upbeat either but I will say I'm more upbeat than him.

I think he admires her, fancies her a bit, and he's interacting with her as a kind of escapism from stresses and mid life crisis.

Nah don't do that OP. Don't compare. Ever.
You are you. She is a fantasy, he doesn't know her. Not properly. Shes an escapism.

Don't ever do the pick me dance. Hold your head high.

The 'upbeat and accomplished 'woman is maybe what hes aspiring to because he's not. He's attracted to the qualities he doesn't have. But it's still a fantasy s a vlog, blog whatever is not real life.

@SandyY2K

So angry. I replied I'm leaving then if you cannot even be bothered reading an email from me but you make time for your online messages.

But will you go through with this?
Because otherwise its just an empty threat.

Yes I think I'm ready to go through with it. We've been together a v v long time and the past few years haven't been great although I've clung on because there's still love there on both sides.

I never thought of him in a mid life crisis sports car buying kinda way but now I think about it he has been mid life crisis-ing for a couple of years, some bad family and career issues for him too, and he's been treating me quite badly.

@Silenceisgolden20

The 'upbeat and accomplished 'woman is maybe what hes aspiring to because he's not. He's attracted to the qualities he doesn't have. But it's still a fantasy s a vlog, blog whatever is not real life.

Yes I think it's partly this. Also just because he fancies her.

He only recently started using any kind of social media and I think he likes that he can project an image on there of someone he wants to be. Whereas I've loved the twat for who he actually is for a very long time.

Wandalorian If your relationship has been on the rocks for a while, then it makes sense this is a tipping point for you. It just feels really extreme though to end a marriage for comments he's posted on a public forum that sound cheesy at best, sleazy at worst, and haven't even elicited a response from her. If he's slid into her DMs to proposition her, that's a different story.

That said, if this is a general pattern of him neglecting you in favour of others and of him disrespecting you and he's never going to change, pull the plug. Just don't do it because the MN's LTB brigade says so.

@LoudestCat14

It's not that he neglects me in favour of others. Over the past few years he's been a bit less affectionate and a bit less sexual. Ok fine it's a long marriage and he's not a young lad any more. Also though he's been more dismissive of me, negative about me more than positive, and I've some health issues he used to be kind about but now just rolls his eyes about. That kind of thing.

I stuck with it but this just feels like a tipping point. He's dipping a toe into what I'd consider the very very first stages of infidelity with those out of character gushing comments and the contrast of how he never compliments me hurts. I think if she'd have replied or swapped contact details it might have gone further. I just have that feeling.

It was me who said I'm considering leaving not Mumsnet. I said to him I will definitely be leaving if he continues to assert that it's fine and not inappropriate and that he'd be absolutely fine with it if the shoe was on the other foot. Clue: he would not be fine with it!

He sounds like a coward. Instead of talking to you he's dismissive of your emails, rudely so, he's putting attention on some fantasy instead.
You're not a priority.
That is pretty depressing. I don't blame you feeling the way you do

It sounds like he's 100% taking you for granted and gradually pushing pushing pushing to see how far he can go.
If my husband rolled his eyes at my being unwell in any way at all he'd be out of the house on his arse before he could beg forgiveness.
he needs a wake up call.

OP - please don't do yourself down, you sound like an intelligent, caring and loyal partner who has had her self-esteem slowly eroded by this pathetic and deluded little man over a number of years.

He probably thinks he is in with a chance with this other woman too, whilst she is no doubt cringing about and wishing he would fuck off and stop drooling over her and embarrassing himself. Urgh!

Today he has shown his full and true colours with total arrogance and contempt for your feelings. For many people (me included) this would mark the end of things. I could not stay with someone who thought so little of me and who consistently belittled me and minimised my legitimate feelings.

Are you in a good position financially to split / walk away with what you need to move on?

His comment to your email shows he’s not very nice to you. It was disdainful at best. And to contrast it with how he’s smarming on this woman because he fancies her, and has likely been fantasising about her, would really sting when you do the comparison. So I can see how that could hurt. As would the knowledge he would go there if she let him.

For me, that’s cheating, because it doesn’t matter if the physical act occurs. What matters is intent, the fact she isn’t interested so he can’t, doesn’t change the fact that given the chance he’d get with her if he could. And you know it.

The question is do you actually want to leave? Is it the end for you? I think for me, to be honest, if my husband was doing this and if I thought for one moment he’d cheat if he could, personally I’d be out.

@Bluntness100 Yes exactly. He's shown the first intent. I am not sure of my feelings about leaving as in we've been together a very long time, he does have some redeeming features and there is still love between us. That's why I put that I'm not sure how I feel about these messages. I'm muddled. Really muddled.

I'll definitely be leaving if he does not admit and genuinely believe that he is being inappropriate. I know that 100%. I will not let him think that it's ok or that I'll put up with it ever again. That wasn't a fake ultimatum. Even if he does that I don't know I just don't know.

The problem is not the content or context, it's the fact you have asked him to stop which is far worse .

He has ignored your feelings and knows full well he is hurting you.
A total disreguard for you, that is what he will regret doing.
He is damaging your relationship. These men never learn, they take the person who have loved them for decades and take them for granted.

I think at the moment he thinks so highly of himself that if you left he would act nonchalantly, he is believing his own hype and this rediculous fawning is giving him some new found confidence.
The truth is he is an embarrasment, tell others, that's the next step, he will hate that.

Discontinue sex, washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning and general making his life smoother.
Tell him his wonder woman can do it, the one who gets all the compliments. Don't be a doormat.
Be very attentative of others.
This could get very nasty as I think he is going to fight you all the way.

PS. @litterbird ...
Robert Plant, very much alive.
Robert Palmer died 2003.
Phew, sorted, next try, a wife of someone in Duran Duran

@Onthedunes

These men never learn, they take the person who have loved them for decades and take them for granted

Yes

This could get very nasty as I think he is going to fight you all the way

What do you mean by this please?

Unfortunately he does sound a bit bored with you to be honest and whilst his behaviour is probably not going to lead to some torrid affair (it sounds more cringeworthy than anything) it is still showing that he doesn’t care what you think and that bit is the concern

I think he will dig his feet in, these mid life crisis men tend to have an inflated sense of self, it can usually coinside with the wifes, menopause, illness, insecurity about something which makes them loose their confidence.

To add insult to injury instead of helping their partner they seem to actively want to hinder their journey to better health or return of confidence.

I don't know why but it seems to be very prevalent.
A lot of these men do tend to "grow"out of it, and it could take years but usually everthing is destroyed and ruined by the time they realise what they have lost.

Fucking idiots... that's what they are, the question is do you want a long battle or do you give up and move on.

It just becomes a battle of wills.
Sometimes there is nothing you can do, they are consumed by their own self importance, which can coinside with doing better at work and confidence in that area.
There are so many men like this.
Ruining wonderfully loyal, loving relationships for their ego.

His ego is cetre self at the moment.

Oh OP. Really feel for you.

This has all the hallmarks of a mid-life infatuation. Suddenly everything this person does is amazing. Suddenly they are the object of respect and admiration. Your DH will become barely recognisable.

Protect yourself. Look after yourself. You can’t control what he does because he has lost touch with what is real. But you can, and must, look after yourself.

I have been in your position. It is so hurtful. However you are in a strong position (even though it does not feel like it) because he can’t even see what is happening whereas you can.

Sadly there is nothing you can do except be clear about YOUR boundaries. Know your threshold. Your line in the sand. Communicate that to him.

Then focus on yourself. Not him. Not her. Not what he does. Put energy into you.

We lose our sense of self in these situations because we become so absorbed by what they are doing. You do have power. Find it and channel it to yourself.

He’s a fool.

Agree totally with @Onthedunes

He will only be thinking of how he feels. For whatever reason befriending this person on social media makes him feel good about himself. It’s not that he doesn’t care about you, it is that he simply can’t ‘see’ you because he is so self absorbed.

And yes, fucking idiot.

And yes, my DH did this. He went for therapy afterwards and the therapist considered it to be a form of escapism from the mundane (normal life). It made my DH feel powerful in a way that reaching mid-life did not.

It was so hard OP. I spent so much time and energy trying to fix things. Wish I hadn’t. I consider those months as my ‘lost years’ as I barely thought of myself during that time. It made me ill. Please don’t let the same happen to you. Seek some counselling and support for yourself. Counselling did help me.

Definitely sounds like a mid life crisis ego boost to me while he keeps it in public I would just keep and eye on things and try and tell him he’s making himself look like an idiot gushing over her
I went through something similar a few years ago with dh with what was a new mutual friend met through dd hobby. I said I felt uncomfortable with things but instead of addressing my concerns and possible insecurities he went to great lengths to hide it to avoid arguments which made things worse as then I didn’t trust him. Nothing ever came of if except a lot of hurt for everyone. That is a very short version of events. We are still together and happy which I think is more to do with kids now being older pre covid being able to go out together on own etc but I will never forget the hurt and chaos he caused during that time and every so often a bit of doubt crosses my mind that he’s hid things before so could again

@Alfiemoon1
I feel for you. You sum it up. Chaos. My DH spent two years causing chaos due to his mid life crisis. It was like being on a rollercoaster with him in the driving seat. Knowing what I do now I would have started behaved in unexpected ways. I tried to reason with him. Figure out what was wrong. Psychoanalyse the situation. Shouldn’t have bothered. I should have actually behaved ‘unusually’ myself because while I behaved in a way that was ‘to form’ he categorised me as being part of what was dragging him down. I felt powerless but what I should have done in hindsight was go and stay with family / friends and made myself uncontactable. It may have been taking a risk but it might have been a bit of a wake up call for someone who had lost touch with reality.

I too won’t forget the hurt and chaos. I lost respect for him during that time.

I would lose all respect for him to be honest.
It’s all so cringey