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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

160 replies

Wandalorian · 24/02/2021 16:23

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not Hmm Hmm.

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

OP posts:
Thebestposter · 24/02/2021 21:58

Is he 12?

How were you attracted to him? He sounds like a nerd

Shwubberwy · 24/02/2021 22:02

those messages are cringe! sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
Wandalorian · 24/02/2021 22:08

I haven't asked him how he'd feel if it were me yet, but I know he'd hate it and he'd not accept it at all.

Yes exactly - even though we've been through a lot of crap in the past (none infidelity related) this has really changed how I see him.

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 24/02/2021 22:09

OP are you the poster whose DP was very cruel to her recently about her past? The comments on the hobby blog thing rings a bell, and if so paints a bigger picture of someone you need to get far away from.

If I'm totally wrong on that then sorry. I still think seeing those comments from my husband would give me 'the ick' massively and I'm not sure how you come back from that.

BrideofBideford · 24/02/2021 22:18

Ah, this happens a lot

A friend of mine (married) is doing the same with Chris Packham, she keeps being all gushing and saying how amazing he is and how he understands things other people don’t

In her case it is that there is not much love in her marriage, and this is probably some fantasy escape from daily life (daydreaming about someone unattainable), but she forgot that we all see her regular comments... Blush

Another friend of mine with a blog gets very needy followers she then has to block

It’s a thing

Your DH has a silly infatuation but not sure it’s anything more than that. It’s unlikely to lead to anything

ColdBrightClearMorning · 24/02/2021 22:21

I’m cringing. Trust issues aside i’d lose attraction.

Thebestposter · 24/02/2021 22:24

ROAR at Chris pack ham. Jesus. WHY

DeeCeeCherry · 24/02/2021 22:25

EarthSight
That's just fucking weird OP. Every day?? Like can't he give it a rest?? Especially after he knows you've seen it. The worst thing about this is that she lives locally, and I'd be really pissed off at he's massively trying to get her attention. Pick
meeeee!!! I follow a few people online, and I don't comment or like every single post

^This

Can your mates see his comments too, as you're local? He's making a fool of himself, and making you look like an idiot alongside.

The comments he's been making - if it were me making those comments - he'd go absolutely batshit at me. That's how I know. Also he looked very worried when I told him I saw them

Oh really? But it's ok for him?

We are human it's possible to develop a crush on someone. But making it so obvious in this way is not on.

Tell him to pack it in fgs

BrideofBideford · 24/02/2021 22:26

I know Grin her husband is an angry Tory Brexiteer, maybe Chris is the antidote to that?!

Zerrin13 · 24/02/2021 22:54

Chris Packham asked me out on a date many years ago when I was 20. I wasn't interested!

IsThePopeCatholic · 24/02/2021 23:04

Chris packham is unique, with far more integrity and commitment than most men.

Bluntness100 · 24/02/2021 23:11

God, I always wondered what kind of person makes all these gushing comments, always creeps me out.

Op have you name changed and posted about him before?

Melange99 · 24/02/2021 23:15

Tell him you have lost respect for him.

TableFlowerss · 24/02/2021 23:19

Don’t care if I get flamed for this but I’d probably end it.

People saying he hasn’t technically done anything wrong, to me, that’s overstepping the mark though. Also, if she messaged back and wanted to meet - would he? For me that’s the crux of it.

Many men don’t cheat but many men don’t get the chance or circumstances to cheat if that makes sense.... so they don’t - because they can’t if the opportunity doesn’t come round.

It’s about respect. An messaging another woman on SM bombarding her with complements like a school girl with a crush, is pathetic. I’d lose lose respect for him for not respecting me enough to not make a fool of the both of us!

Cockenspiel · 24/02/2021 23:19

42 is prime midlife crisis age!

Onthedunes · 24/02/2021 23:51

Tell him, nothing personal, but you would rather have sex with someone else who idolises you, rather than him who idolises and gushes over this local woman.

It's about intent.
Find someone who intends to remain respectful to you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2021 23:51

I wouldn't be jealous, I would be cringing and see him differently in that sense. It would be the ick for me.

caringcarer · 25/02/2021 00:01

I would not be having sex with him until he stopped the compliments to this other woman. Make it clear you can't fancy him if he acts like this.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 25/02/2021 00:13

I'm sorry, OP. This is horrid for you.

I'd be cringing at his behavior, but also would get The Ick knowing he is one of those men who fawn - maybe not actually a dirty old men, but certainly he's being a creep. It IS like being unfaithful to me.

He is enamored of someone else, and publicly showing it. That's hard to swallow. And off putting. He needs a hard shake, whatever that looks like in your relationship, so that he knows that this has to stop now.

MsDogLady · 25/02/2021 01:42

He is gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

No face paint or pretence with you..gotta love it.
Is there a fire in that fireplace?
She doesn’t pout, she’s so down to earth and insightful.

He is absolutely crossing a line with his drooling and is fishing for 1:1 exchanges. He has even been making sexual innuendo and commenting on her looks and personality.

Although he has dialed down the intensity after you confronted him, he is still complimenting her daily. This shows that he is prioritizing his hope for a connection with her over his loyalty to you.

If my H was reaching out and mooning over another woman like this, and continued after I’d spoken to him, my trust and respect would plummet and I would tell him so. I would be reconsidering my marriage.

CatAndHisKit · 25/02/2021 02:06

littlebird women of certain age AND husbands? hmmm are you maybe Robert Plant's partner? Grin

Anordinarymum · 25/02/2021 02:11

Chris Packham is better than David Ike. Now that would be weird :)

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2021 02:18

I'm sure you've lost all respect for him. He's making a fucking tit of himself.

Onthedunes · 25/02/2021 02:43

@CatAndHisKit

I reckon it's Robert Palmer's wife. Grin

Whose addicted to love.

Onthedunes · 25/02/2021 02:48

Christ he's died, strike that. RIP