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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

160 replies

Wandalorian · 24/02/2021 16:23

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not Hmm Hmm.

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 25/02/2021 03:06

@Wandalorian

I get what you are both saying.

I'm sure he would stop if I gave him an ultimatum, stop complimenting her, stop trying to get her attention (this he denies), or we are over.

I can't work out how I feel though. I don't feel I can leave over it, but he's ruined my trust now and I crazy as it sounds I don't think I can trust him the same.

My god, he is allowed his own thoughts and interests that have zero to do with you.

No one wants to be married to a prison warden. Maybe you should ponder why he seems enthusiastic about this upbeat and accomplished woman.

litterbird · 25/02/2021 05:12

@CatAndHisKit....no, lol, but he’s worked with him. His current fans do fawn over my partner like the OPs though. It’s quite weird to read, especially from the men. It’s creepy for sure, so I can understand how the OP must read his posts and get the ‘ick. Fandom is a strange thing and I can only relate to it to when I was a nipper and had 2 posters on my wall, David Cassidy and Donny Osmond. I would dream about them and kiss the posters before I went to school! 😂

litterbird · 25/02/2021 05:18

@Onthedunes @CatAndHisKit, yes, Robert Plant is diseased and it isn’t him either, but has worked with him. I hope OP is doing ok today. It’s a weird thing to deal with.

MaLarkinn · 25/02/2021 06:02

Those comments wouldn't worry me at all ok. Are you feeling a little jealous perhaps?
I wouldn't be dishing out ultimatum based on those comments.

Gatekeeper · 25/02/2021 06:34

Robert Plant is still very much aljve!!!!!

CutePixie · 25/02/2021 06:35

@Wandalorian

Yes it's a normally very male based hobby.

It's comments like

"You should make videos every day"
"The other contributers (to the blog) are nothing compared to your insight"
"You are a game changer"
"No face painting or pretence with you - gotta love it"
"Where is (her name) today?"
"(her name) is my favourite contributor (to the blog)"
"Is there a fire in that fireplace?" (fireplace behind in her house)
"Great to see (her name)"
"She doesn't pout, she's so down to earth and insightful"

It goes on and on since he found it 3 months ago. He does comment about the hobby, but he never ever compliments any of the other contributors and there are way way more comments from him about her - only a very few vague comments to her from the others.

I would not be jealous of this. I would get the ick though. I doubt the blogger finds this attractive.
TableFlowerss · 25/02/2021 06:42

**My god, he is allowed his own thoughts and interests that have zero to do with you.

No one wants to be married to a prison warden. Maybe you should ponder why he seems enthusiastic about this upbeat and accomplished woman**

Ate you suggesting his behaviour is totally acceptable and OP should suck it up?!Confused

Problem is - they’re not just his thoughts, he’s transferring them on to some poor women and OP knows about ‘his thoughts’

We all have thoughts, but sometimes sharing then isn’t the best option.......

TableFlowerss · 25/02/2021 06:42

@PerveenMistry

justamummydoingherbest · 25/02/2021 06:44

Maybe your relationship with him has just run it's course?

RantyAnty · 25/02/2021 07:13

Been through this. It was really offensive, the fawning. It was obvious exH fancied her. I asked him to tone it down and he just got defensive saying she was just a friend and I was a prison warden and hid it better. He was full of shite. Men don't do this to women unless they fancy them. She didn't like him that way at all.

Imagine this happening at a party. Him across the room gushing like a schoolboy over her. Disrespectful and offensive. It's just as offensive online.

If that woman he's fawning over wanted to meet up, your DH would be gone in a second. Something about that midlife crisis age has them thinking they can do better, so they are out on the prowl online. Really gross.

Sorry he's putting you through this bs. Flowers

londonscalling · 25/02/2021 07:38

I'm assuming the woman hasn't yet responded?

It's obviously not through want of trying on your husbands behalf!

My concern would be that if she responds and they start chatting, then the situation could potentially quite quickly get out of hand (at least from your husband's point of view)!

Hollywolly1 · 25/02/2021 08:26

Flowersfor you

Weirdfan · 25/02/2021 08:30

I'd tell my DH the unedited truth if he was doing this, that he's killing my love, desire and respect for him by fawning over another woman. I'd be completely honest that I was worried my feelings for him were changing forever and that he would eventually get over his crush only to find I no longer want him because he's clearly been wanting someone else for the last few months.

Give him a preview of where this will end up OP, he needs to realise the damage he's doing. And counter any 'but I just admire her work' replies with 'doesn't matter what your motivation is, this is how it's making me feel, now it's up to you to decide what's more important, fawning over her or not further damaging our relationship'.

I would have the same worries as you though, that my trust and how I view him would be permanently affected and I'd never look at him the same way again, even if he stopped at this point. Hard to respect someone when they're acting like a sad, pathetic creep, tell him that too! Flowers

dottiedodah · 25/02/2021 09:10

I think he is in a mid life crisis TBH. ATM we are in LD and many people are looking for an "escape route fantasy " sort of thing .I would just tell him you are not happy about it .If he cares for you then he will stop doing it!

BehindMyEyes · 25/02/2021 09:33

[quote litterbird]**@Onthedunes* @CatAndHisKit*, yes, Robert Plant is diseased and it isn’t him either, but has worked with him. I hope OP is doing ok today. It’s a weird thing to deal with.[/quote]
He's diseased ? 😂😂😂😂

RealisticSketch · 25/02/2021 09:50

Could you show him an article on limerance and tell him that because his attention is not reciprocated his comments are obvious to everyone that he is having a massive crush. That this is not on out of respect to your relationship and pretty embarrassing all round and he needs to have a good think.

Jenny215 · 25/02/2021 09:55

God he needs to stop that NOW. It's humiliating for yourself and him. Of course he can fancy someone else, enjoy their blog but the comments that the whole world can see should stop now.

Maxellious · 25/02/2021 09:58

I'd also be asking him how he thinks the woman feels to be getting his comments. Because he probably thinks he is giving her a nice feeling, yet the frequency and the tone will actually probably be freaking her out. It is creepy.

A man at work did this to me once, it was all "you're so interesting" and "it's so refreshing to see a woman enjoying this kind of work" and then "where were you yesterday? I didn't see you" and "oh you'll be missed when you go on holiday". The comments themselves were initially on the edge of acceptable and then became less so, but never HR-worthy. But the tone, frequency and the fact he talked to others about me really freaked me out and I felt trapped. All I wanted to do was go to work, and be respected for doing my job well.

And then when you tell them to back off, men think they are the ones that have been offended. Hmm

Scrunchy95 · 25/02/2021 10:20

Here's what I would say to him.

'In the interest of honesty, I've mulled over your comments and clear infatuation with (bloggers name). I want you to know that you are being creepy to her while simultaneously loosing my trust and respect.'

Deliver this without emotion and just walk away when you are done. He needs a kick up the arse and to see that you are not unconditionally going to stick with him regardless of how he behaves. Perhaps a little fear of loosing you with re-focus his attention.

SandyY2K · 25/02/2021 10:27

The comments wouldn't make me jealous tbh....more annoyed and irritated.

He comes across like an obsessed creepy kind of fan, who is in awe of her.....which is embarrassing for a man his age.

Also embarrassing that such a man is my H....I'd be telling him he's coming across as creepy and he'll freak her out.

yetmorecrap · 25/02/2021 10:29

my H went through quite a few years of constantly commenting on a young friend of ours FB page with seemingly innocuous stuff like 'must meet up when you get back' or 'you are looking well' I didn't know at the time as I wasn't friends with her on FB, when I found a drawer full of longing poems and songs about this girl years afterwards I friended her on Facebook, went back years and saw how much he commented. Its not nice OP, Ive never been anti female friends but I am anti it when its clearly a crush that they are acting on. We can all have crushes , but if you are with someone its totally disrespectful to not keep it in your head. My H clearly had gone further with all the songs and poems and whilst we stayed together Ive never really forgiven or forgotten this. I would certainly nip it in the bud know and tell him he is coming across like a middle aged sleaze. in public.

Zenithbear · 25/02/2021 10:34

Sorry Op but my ex was the same and that is why he is my ex. Honestly if your partner is that interested in someone else it's time to boot him out. Well I did.

MrsDoctorDear · 25/02/2021 10:38

It's cringe. I'd go right off him.

Viviennemary · 25/02/2021 10:39

It's annoying and he's bring a bit silly. I think I'd develop a crush on some hunky guy and see how he likes it. Put his photo next to your bed.

DamsonDress · 25/02/2021 10:51

I understand what you mean about working out how you feel about it but tbh how its making him look would be enough for me and I'd make no bones about telling him "Pack it in. You are making yourself look like a dick."

He needs to catch himself on. For his sake.