Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

[Wandalorian]

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not .

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

I think if he's posting these things OP, they're so cringe-worthy that he's going to be laughed at and teased by other people in this arena - and it will be they who stop him.

I don't think there's a need for you to do anything - because you can't. If you try to stop him he will just focus on keeping it from you and letting his thoughts run wild.

Far better that he realises he's being a twit through other means than his wife.

I'm a bit conflicted because I don't see the difference with being over-gushy about a RL person whom you will never meet - and raving over a celebrity whom you will equally never meet. I have to say that I see some really horrendous posts from women here about men they fancy. If it were men posting like this they'd be called letches.

What would I do if this were my husband? I'd tell him that I find his posts really off, nothing to do with the hobby and that I think less of him for them. I wouldn't want to hear about this person and I might add that she probably gives a deep sigh when she sees those posts herself but, if he wants to carry on making a fool of himself then he can carry on. If it intrudes into his treatment of me then he can do without me.

Essentially though, I'd let his internet peers deride his stupidity and make him stop.

Or just quietly make your plans to leave him, OP. Stop the wife stuff, stop the coupley stuff and just keep it all separate, ready to go.

I wouldn't rule that out because if my husband was treating me like I didn't matter then he would cease to mean much to me also.

I'm sorry - just caught up after realising that there were more pages. He doesn't sound very appreciative of what he has in you.

@outbutnotoutout
@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Thanks for asking after me.

I haven't let him back yet. I've said I can't be with him if he thinks it's all completely fine to gush over another woman like that and that he wouldn't like it if it was the other way round.

He asked me to go to our hobby together a few days ago. I said no and reiterated the above. He went off on a rant saying he is leaving me etc. I said fine if you'd rather throw away a long relationship rather than admit what you did, whilst not cheating, was inappropriate, then fine.

I see what you are saying @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe about it not being in real life, but it's a local hobby group and she is local, and there have been group meet ups in the past (way before OH joined the group recently, he's definitely not met her). So there's a chance he could meet her in future if you see what I mean? Yeah if it was someone he'd never meet I'd have been way less annoyed.

I don't know what I am going to achieve though, Bluntness is probably right. I don't feel I can leave him over it since it's not an emotional affair even, but I don't think I'll ever trust him the same now I've seen how he's capable of fawning all over another woman. It sounds weird, but if you knew him, this is out of character behaviour for him. He's never, ever had female friends even predating our relationship he didn't, doesn't say actresses are attractive or anything.

I don't know tbh.

DC have been visiting him at his parents - it's literally a few streets away. I sent some food with DC - just leftover home made pizza cause DC2 wanted to take it with them to eat there, and a big bag of onions I'd over ordered when the lorries at border thing happened and I can't use them all, maybe his parents would want.
One of the DC asked him why has mum sent so many onions, and he replied "I know exactly why your mum has sent them". DC replied why and he said "it's not for you to know". .

I think if she did meet him, she would think he was an irritant fly and flap him away.

He on the other hand would act like a love sick teenager 🙄

I'm glad your ok, he has been very disrespectful and should at least apologise

I know this woman is local and that might feel different but there's another thread going at the moment about celebrity crushes and the consensus is they are harmless and normal. I can imagine it feels a bit humiliating but he hasn't done anything 'real'. He isn't in dialogue with this woman. It's a one way thing and it will probably pass.

It's not worth ended what is otherwise a good relationship over. I think your reaction has been harsh. I've had crushes during relationships. I didn't cheat though.

Wandalorian, I can hear in your posts that this is painful for you - and humiliating. I think that you're the only person who can correctly interpret a) what your relationship means to you and b) how 'bad' your husband's behaviour is towards you in relation to this blog-woman.

He has said that he would leave you? Because you won't join in with his hobby? That is a shocking overreaction from him IF you and he have other things that you do together, have in common, and you spend time together - or companionable silence doing your own thing, but together. He should not be saying this.

Do you think he's living a fantasy life in his head? Thinking she may become important to him once he 'moves on'? He sounds very out of touch because all the posts you've said he's made on this woman's blog probably have her feeling a bit queasy or laughing her head off. I don't know any woman who would feel flattered with that absolute nonsense.

What do you want to do? Teach him a lesson? Let him know what it feels like to lose you? Or, tell him that his disrespect ends now and that you will both make a go of your marriage - or call it quits? Or ignore and find your own interests?

He's an absolute IDIOT.

Can you talk this through with somebody in RL? Somebody who knows you, knows your husband? Would be in your corner for you to unload?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

He has said that he would leave you?Because you won't join in with his hobby?*

No, because I haven't let him back (not as bad as it sounds - his parents live a few streets away it's a big house and the DC are free to come and go). He maintains he has "done nothing wrong" his "conscious is completely clear". Him asking me to the hobby we usually do together I think was his olive branch, and because I didn't take it and insisted he admit it was inappropriate, he said he's leaving.

I don't know any woman who would feel flattered with that absolute nonsense

He's a bit goofy like that. He probably thinks it's flattering. I used to find that endearing about him.

What do you want to do? Teach him a lesson? Let him know what it feels like to lose you?

I suppose this, yes. He knows full well it was inappropriate, his flapping and desperately minimising reaction when I brought it up tells me that. He doesn't want to admit it. I suppose I feel like I'll diminish my own self esteem if I just let it go.

I have spoken at length to a good friend but she only knows me. My family dislike him.

@Doyoumind I see what you mean, I do. Within the dynamic of our relationship though, how completely out of character it is for him, and also the fact that he so rarely compliments me for years now and takes me for granted. To see him fawn over this woman is quite a big thing for our relationship/to me.

It could be said I'm a hypocrite though cause I too have had workplace crushes over the years. Never acted on but still.

I think the key points are that he has been dismissive of you, taken you for granted, and has humiliated you.

I can understand how your feelings would change for him.

Without him admitting his error, understanding your upset and apologising, I can't imagine how you would move forward, or want to either for that matter.