Husband fancies someone else. Need help to work out my feelings

[Wandalorian]

Feeling really down about this and could do with some advice.

DH fancies a woman who runs a blog/vlog. Nothing 'sexy', she posts about an interest of his. He's definitely never met her in real life, but she does live locally to us.

He mentioned her around Christmas time and showed me her blog and he did seem over complimentary. I didn't think much else of it.

Last week I decided to have a look at her blog myself and I saw links to her social media. Followed the links, and low and behold found lots of comments from DH. He's gushing about how great she is, how she has the best knowledge, how he misses her posts when she misses a day, and so on..

It's so very unlike him. He isn't the type to give compliments to anyone really. It's so over the top fawning I know he has a thing for her. I told him I'd saw the comments and he got all flustered and denied liking her. I said you were obviously trying to get her attention, he said not .

It's not that I don't think people should have friends of the opposite sex, it's that it's so completely out of character for him that there's definitely something in it.

I can't really do anything as such because he's technically not done anything wrong. I feel like the intention is there though and it's destroyed my trust. Since we spoke he's toned down the comments, but he's still complimenting her nearly every bloody day!!

How do I deal with my own feelings about this?

What are you hoping to achieve from this?
You want him to admit he's wrong and stop the comments?
It runs deeper than that though, it's what's made him do it you need to discuss. He's clearly unhappy with something and is using it as escapism.

@Jenny215

What are you hoping to achieve from this? You want him to admit he's wrong and stop the comments? It runs deeper than that though, it's what's made him do it you need to discuss. He's clearly unhappy with something and is using it as escapism.

This is really valid

I’m not sure what you’re hoping to gain either. Threaten him into admitting it’s wrong or you’ll leave, when you don’t actually want to do that, I mean even I know you don’t want to, so he must know that.

Secondly he doesn’t seem bang up for admitting it. But even if he does. What have you gained? You force him to do something. What then?

As Jenny says you need to address the root cause, why is he smarming on her like this. Why does he treat you like he does. He’s looking for something else. If not her, it will be someone else. What you going to do, constantly stalk and threaten?

You both need to talk about the issues in your marriage. The cause. Not the symptoms. And fix that, becayse threatening and forcing isn’t going to fix it.

I understand what you are both saying.

I don't think this is even about me though. Yes he's bored of me I think. Yes he sees me as part of the furniture.

I've not caused any of our issues for many years though. Seriously - I'm not just deluded. I treat him well. It's him who hasn't treated me well these past few years.

If there are problems in the marriage then I cannot do much to fix them because I already try the best I can. He neglects me.

Maybe he doesn't respect me for putting up with his shit.

It’s interesting that we often think something must be ‘wrong’ in the marriage when this happens. My DH had extensive therapy during / after his mid-life crisis. What became very clear is that he felt incredibly unhappy with himself. Lots of issues from his childhood and teenage years resurfaced. He felt he was losing his edge at work and felt inadequate. He says now that something was wrong ‘inside him’...nothing external...just a deep dissatisfaction within himself. Of course he blamed external factors at the time but through therapy he identified that this was not the case.

What I’m saying OP is don’t blame yourself or your marriage. You aren’t responsible for his dissatisfaction. Only he can change this.

Maybe he doesn't respect me for putting up with his shit.

I too thought that. My DH felt inadequate and therefore thought of me as an extension of himself. If he were inadequate then I must be inadequate to put up with him. If he didn’t like himself then I must be unlikeable too for having stayed with him for many years...

Has there been any stressful life events that may have triggered this OP?

Yes he's had major stresses the past few years. Way more stress in the past few years than the many years preceding that I've known him.

That is probably why I have stayed despite some pretty bad treatment and neglect from him.

I’m sorry but stress doesn’t cause some to cheat. That’s ridiculous.

Op, it’s up to you what you do, but it doesn’t read like you want to end it, and his response on the email indicates he knows it doesn’t matter what he does, you’ll,take it..

You need to address that, becayse no, people don’t respect you for letting them treat you badly. But that’s just the tip of it, the two of you need to sit down, maybe a nice meal. A glass of wine, and talk through your relationship and how you both feel about it.

Just preceding my DH’s ‘crisis’ (and it really was a crisis) he had also been through two extremely stressful situations...worse than we had ever experienced in many years of marriage. It was this that had an impact on his self esteem. His ‘crisis’ was his way of escaping feelings of loss and inadequacy.

This is in no way about you or because of you.

Major stress doesn’t cause someone to cheat but it can cause a loss of self worth, self esteem, depression and a struggle with identity. Some people turn to alcohol while others might engage in drastic or uncharacteristic behaviour as a way of coping with a loss of control. I work in a field with people who have ended up engaging in some very random behaviours as a result of major stress (many at mid life). It’s hard to imagine if your own life is stable but it doesn’t take much for some people to go off the rails and behave in ways that are unthinkable to their family and friends.

Join the forum. Every time he comments, reply to it with a meme like this one:

Seriously, though. I'd look him dead in the eye and say 'You act like you're a single man. I can make that happen for you if you like...'

As Groucho Marx said....

"Please accept my resignation, I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member"

A feeling that the wife who stood by them is substandard because they are.

I do think there is truth in this with middle age men, they seem to see their own wives aging but not themselves and think they deserve better.

@Bluntness100 I understand what you are saying that op must look inwards at her relationship and find out the root cause, but I don't think it would help other than leaving and never going back.
The root cause tends to be selfishness and ego and you can't change that if someone feels they are entitled and better than their partner, because that's essentially what it boils down to.

The husband thinks he's better than the op.
Nasty to hear, for anybody on the receiving end of being neglected and then discarded but this dream outcome that mid life crisis men usually want doesn't materialize as they expect, and the wives are left to pick up the pieces when they return to their senses.

So what to do whilst they destroy years of marriage for (in many cases) nothing.
It's impossible every woman is different op sounds like she wants to stay, enforce the boundaries, if he doesn't comply take away all comforts and if all else fails boot the shithead out.
It sounds like you are in for a bumpy ride, I personally wouldn't do it again, I would drop the rope and find a solicitor, that's the shortcut.

They ruin it anyway, you loose respect, it affects your sex life and really is very hard to overcome, and then they cry because after years of trying to tell them the love is diminishing, one day they realise they FUCKED UP.

And then you don't want them.

Complete waste of time.

Op I was going to make the point that, although I like a little innocent flirtation while in a relationship, the priority should always be your partner and you should respect them enough to not make them uncomfortable in this way. You are husband & wife. He needs to show you that your are his priority, apologise and cease & desist.

Then I read that you'd email him and his dismissive reply and I'm pretty angry on your behalf, I'll be honest. There are bigger issues at play here, as I think you know, that you need to discuss with him.

If he's getting angry with you because you're upset, then he's deflecting because he knows he's in the wrong.

I hope he followed up his comment about your email with a proper discussion when you were both home?

Don't sell yourself short.

I never thought of him in a mid life crisis sports car buying kinda way but now I think about it he has been mid life crisis-ing for a couple of years, some bad family and career issues for him too, and he's been treating me quite badly.

In that case I see why you'd leave.

What are you hoping to achieve from this?
You want him to admit he's wrong and stop the comments?
It runs deeper than that though, it's what's made him do it you need to discuss. He's clearly unhappy with something and is using it as escapism.

I can absolutely what the OP wants to achieve.
He's behaviour is inappropriate for a married man and he's not admitting it...yet it wouldn't be acceptable if she did it. It's hypocritical and he needs to be held accountable for what he's doing.

He won't admit it, because if he says it's wrong..then he knowingly did it.

If he says it's okay and you do it with some male blogger, he'll get jealous and won't like it.

I had something similar...not a blogger...but something DH was doing and he didn't want to accept it was wrong.

So I said if you're saying it's okay, then I'm going to do exactly the same. He didn't like it, tried to say his situation was different and because he knew or had a strong belief I'd do it, he then accepted that he wouldn't like it if I did what he was doing.

He kept saying I was being unreasonable, so I said ok.. why don't we ask a group of independent people on a forum. We did (not MN) and everyone told him he was wrong.

Your DH either recognises he's doing wrong..if it's not wrong you can do it too right? I hate hypocrisy.

@Wandalorian

You hit the nail on the head there when you said he doesn't respect you for putting up with it. As much as you maybe felt you would push him away in the past by calling out his behaviour, it probably would have done the world of good. This should have been nipped in the bud years ago when you first felt he was being less sexual or interested in you, or when you started to feel taken for granted. It's manifested into this mess.

Maybe now, he's seen you actually call him out on his behaviour and how he's treating you, might make him have a realisation and change his ways. However, it's been years he's been taking you for granted so it's not going to happen over night. You two need some serious conversations now if there's anything chance of salvaging this marriage.

Hi OP please don’t compare yourself to this woman. He is making a dick of himself. She prob thinks he is creepy. That’s the approach I would take. Point out he is making an arse of himself. Not only with you, but her.

I agree he is tipping his toe in and if in the v v unlikely event she offered to meet up, he would jump at it. He is fixated with her. Possibly more so because life is hard at the moment. I’m fantasising and daydreaming more than ever in lockdown just because I’m a bit bored. Have spent far too much time with my husband. Lol. Good luck with whatever you decide x

How are you doing @Wandalorian?

@Florelei

Still pretty crap but thanks for asking.

DH still maintaining he has done nothing wrong. He has some quite serious family stuff going on in the coming weeks which I'd look awful if I wasn't sympathetic to so I think this - whatever 'this' is - will get brushed under the carpet between us. I can't stay ignoring him when he has a distant family funeral and a parent having cancer surgery.

I keep pointing out to him that he wouldn't like it at all if I'd have said those things to another man. He just keeps ignoring in his typical fashion.

He is being nicer to me but it doesn't make up for him complimenting this woman more times in a month than he has me in many years.

I feel like I need to protect myself and my feelings and work out ways it could be financially viable to leave.

Just wanted to say I feel for you OP .

If my partner did this to me I couldn’t look at him the same. I couldn’t be intimate / emotionally close with someone with that at the back of mind.

To turn it around to a bloke’s perspective (so he can’t be all “I wouldn’t mind if you did that.” I also know that if I did that to my partner, he would hit the roof and I would be out on my ear. He would find it SO disrespectful.

I don’t know is a sincere apology would help you at all, but if so perhaps ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same to some bloke.

Lots of love. People are bloody shit sometimes x

Ps just seen you’ve said how would you feel if I did that, but maybe use the specific examples of things he’s said...

I’m really sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like your marriage isn’t going to survive unless he makes a big amount of effort to rectify things and even then, if you continue to see him in a different way to before it probably won’t anyway.

Don’t let this get brushed under the carpet. Each time he tries to, remind yourself that no matter what is going on with his family that if this woman said yes he would likely be having sex with her right now. That’s the brutal reality here. If he can find the time to come on to her, which is what his messages are, then he can find the time to discuss with you about whether you have a future.

I’d set yourself a date in the future and if things haven’t improved, look into the practicalities or separating or having some time away.

@WomanKind

Major stress doesn’t cause someone to cheat but it can cause a loss of self worth, self esteem, depression and a struggle with identity. Some people turn to alcohol while others might engage in drastic or uncharacteristic behaviour as a way of coping with a loss of control. I work in a field with people who have ended up engaging in some very random behaviours as a result of major stress (many at mid life). It’s hard to imagine if your own life is stable but it doesn’t take much for some people to go off the rails and behave in ways that are unthinkable to their family and friends.

You’re obviously a very very understanding person and I hope you and you husband are happy now and all that was in the past.

I think you’re DH is very lucky that you’re still around and that you did believe that stress made him do whatever it was he done.

With respect, many people suffer stress but don’t seek attention elsewhere from the opposite sex. Being stressed doesn’t justify messing about/having an emotional affair. Imo it’s an excuse nothing more.

We’ve all got out crosses to bare in life. We’ve all had to deal with shit, obviously some more than others, but I don’t believe that excuses inappropriate behaviour.

I think simply, they are seeking a thrill from elsewhere are attracted to someone else and play the stress card to crawl their way back in, if it doesn’t work out, as it’s better than being on their own.

Again, you sound really nice and that makes it worse as it’s the nice ones that get get taken advantage of.

Sad for you op that you’re now just going to brush it under the carpet, and looking for reasons to justify you doing so. and he’s just blanking and ignoring you over it. Something you were so sure wasn’t acceptable to you.

Everyone has to do what’s right for them, and if you feel this is right for you then thats what you need to do.

How are things?