Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

[meanwhilebacktobasics]

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

You really aren't to blame for his actions. He has been very manipulative of you.

Please don't read anymore messages and don't reply. You won't be able to move on and recover from this if you don't cease contact.

It would help you to speak to someone about this.

You will soon have lots of support here. He sounds like the classic abuser where everything is someone else's fault never his own. It matters not what he, or the family that created him, say about you. Block him, move on and enjoy the rest of your life!

He was emotionally abusive towards you. Well done on splitting up . It's hard to do.

Now you need to make sure you stay away from him and rebuild what he's taken from you. Stop all contact with him and his family.

Speak to Women's Aid for support and look at doing the freedom programme.

Thank you. Nobody believes me. He even got me so flustered questioning and interrogating me that I even got my childs age wrong. He went bad with me because he found out I'd taken my child on a playdate with a dad and his child...4 years before meeting him,and said I was dishonest, I hadn't told him this,what else was I hiding. He accused me of flirting with anyone, and if I wore makeup,demanded to know who was in my office that day that I was out to impress.
But, he has had an awful life,his family are protective, they blame me for his worsening mental health.
Why could I not have just left sooner instead of keep hoping and taking him back. I still blame myself, I must be an awful person. He said whatever he does now, I will be to blame

You don't owe him anything and you certainly don't have to justify yourself to his family.

You are allowed to end a relationship for whatever reason you want. This particular relationship sounds awful. He is abusing you and trying to make you unable to leave.

Leave, block him and his family. And don't feel guilty. You deserve better than this.

As others have said he has been, and still is, emotionally abusing you. Anything he does now, is not your responsibility. You have now been clear and he is trying to get you back with guilt. His family will only know his side of the story.
Try to make a clean break, block him and his family on social media. You need space to look after you

You're not to blame. He's the bad person here.

Also, think about it, are you really that powerful and almighty that you can turn a normal nice person into an abuser? How exactly have you taken away his choices to behave kindly, to have trusted you, to have walked away if he was unhappy? You have not. Stop taking responsibility for his choices. He's a grown adult man.

Block him and his family now. Read resources about emotional abuse, speak to Women's Aid, get support.

Well done for leaving! You did the right thing.
Now block him and his family completely - they sound horrendous.

Time to block him on everything and I mean everything as he’ll try to communicate through any medium he can find just to berate you more.

This is classic of men like him.

Take time for you and you alone. Do the freedom programme to and seek therapy if you can afford it.
Vent on here whenever you want.

If he ramps up and contacts you directly tell him you are not interested and if he continues you’ll contact the police on the grounds of harassment and stalking.

Is family can fuck off too how dare they blame you this is all on him.

NO you are not to blame for anything he does. Some people don't realise how hard it is to leave someone that's threatening to hurt themselves and it always suits families to blame someone other than their family member. Make sure you have no contact with him and his family if possible.

Steer clear he sounds like a real pig and you're better off without. Let him and his family talk all their useless rubbish. I'd prefer people to talk rubbish about me than put up with a maniac like that.
You're better off on your own than having that as a relationship! Treat yourself and look after yourself!!!

Do you think his family might have been pleased to offload him on to you?

Well done you on leaving this nasty manipulative man.
Never return to him.

Of course he and his family want to blame you for all his problems. That is a way for them to feel better about their own behaviour. They are wrong, so ignore what they say, stop all contact with them.

When you feel a bit stronger, think about doing the Freedom Programme, you can do it on line. It will help you see the ways that he controlled you, and more importantly, will help you to spot & steer clear of controlling abusive men in the future.

Focus on your own well-being and you and your child's happy future life away from this dreadful man and his family. Lots of luck and happiness to you!

@Summerhillsquare

Do you think his family might have been pleased to offload him on to you?

I'm sat here crying. Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much.I have no family, I so desperately wanted a future. I've had a really unhappy past,with so much loss and this feels like the last straw.

And yes to the PP, they did want to think he was happy with me,and said that I was totally evil to need time for myself when I couldnt cope with his outbursts,that if I loved him it couldnt just be when he was well.
I know he is a horrible place, but I have tried and tried to help and support, outdid tell him that I was suffering anxiety and depression myself and felt unable to cope. Him and his family are believing that I am some cold calculating woman who has deliberately lead him into destruction. I have blocked now and I feel really alone.

Well done on blocking OP, it’s the most important step you can take. Are you working from home or going in to the office? If the latter, is there anyone there you can talk to?

No,I'm at home. I wouldn't be able to go to the office even if I could as I'm in such a state. I feel terrible on about an hours sleep

OP - this is totally on him. He and his family are abusers - abusers are never at fault. They can be lovely when you are doing exactly what they want but become extremely unpleasant when you do what you want to do. His family are clearly toxic too, which is why he has ended up the way he is, but that is not your problem.

You have a right - indeed an obligation to yourself - to remove yourself from the situation because the relationship will destroy you if you remain.

Well done for getting away. Keep posting here for support but also - you might find it helpful to speak to Women’s Aid so they can support you - you have been in an abusive relationship so they will be able to support.

Block him on everything and if he continues to harass you, talk to the police. You could also think about applying for a non-molestation order. If you speak to the NCDV, they will be able to help you with this.

Do you have HR support at work? Could you speak to them?

Keep talking on here

It can help somewhat.

It does help to talk on here. This is the only place I have. Why on earth do I feel this terrible

No it's not your fault. I hope you can get some support to process this.
Have you tried the Freedom Programme?

This is not you. He'll be onto his next victim soon, they always do. It's how they operate

@meanwhilebacktobasics

It does help to talk on here. This is the only place I have. Why on earth do I feel this terrible

You feel terrible because you have been abused. You are a victim. It is absolutely 100% NOT YOUR FAULT and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (in fact, cut them off as they are toxic too).

Keep talking here. There are people who understand and will support you, even without knowing you.

He's a despicable character, and clearly his family is too. You feel terrible because he has spent several years manipulating you into feeling that way. None of his abusive, controlling behaviour was your fault. None of it.

You have seen the light, and you've done the right thing.

Absolutely not your fault.
This is emotional abuse you suffered and his family has no right to blame you.
His past and his depression are not your fault.
He sounds sick and manipulative.
He has basically forced you into staying with him by threatening to hurt himself whilst making your life hell with his insecurities.
Good that you ended it now.
Stay strong and don't give in. Try to ignore the manipulation and threats.
The best is to block the number.
Could you talk to someone irl? Someone you trust to vent?

He has brainwashed you over time. You need to keep speaking to trustworthy people, call Women's Aid and talk about it to bring you back into reality. He alone is responsible for his actions. You can build a happy and secure life free from abuse for you and your child, that is your priority. Well done for gaining your independence. You don't deserve to be abused.