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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

251 replies

meanwhilebacktobasics · 24/02/2021 06:09

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 24/02/2021 20:23

Lundy Bancroft

gaijinetal · 24/02/2021 20:34

@meanwhilebacktobasics

My head is such a mess with everything just running around in it and trying to make sense of it. I still do have feelings for him despite all of this, and I'm certainly not perfect. I've said some nasty things back to him in retaliation. I have had other long relationships but never any experience of this kind of behaviour. I used to clear down my messages and he would analyse why,and what reason at that particular moment I'd done it. He accused me of flirting with people ,even if the subject was something boring,as he said it was the tone or frequency or that I had deliberately opened up the conversation. I'm so drained. How can anyone do this to someone who has never ever even looked at anyone else.
Men like this are surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly) same-y. When the patterns of behaviour are identified, and compared to other men like this; they're incredibly similar.

Have you seen anything the singer FK Twigs (stage name) has said about Shia Lebeouf? She's finally broken her silence about their relationship and his behaviour. She wasn't "allowed" to meet the eye of male serving staff of she was flirting etc.

gaijinetal · 24/02/2021 20:40

I've said some nasty things back to him in retaliation.

That's natural and normal.

I cracked and shouted back at, and also said nasty/critical things to the controlling man I had a relationship with; noone can take being questioned, criticised, berated, slagged off, denigrated etc repeatedly like these men do, without cracking and retaliating sometimes.

BrownFootStool · 24/02/2021 20:56

100% not your fault, 100% his fault.

Depression does not give him the right to treat someone terribly. It doesn't mean you have to stay.

It is brilliant you have ended it, well done you have been very brave and are still, even though it might not feel that way.

It will be difficult but your life is on the way to being sooooo much better. You will be happy and free.

BlueThistles · 24/02/2021 21:30

@noideabutstilltrying

You really aren't to blame for his actions. He has been very manipulative of you.

Please don't read anymore messages and don't reply. You won't be able to move on and recover from this if you don't cease contact.

It would help you to speak to someone about this.

This with bells ON 🌺

meanwhilebacktobasics · 25/02/2021 06:55

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. This is literally the only thing that is keeping me going. I am going to get a GP appointment because I am not eating or sleeping. I'm in a worse state than I ever have been.
I keep replaying all the stuff over and over, and thinking if only I'd said or done this, or thinking about all the good times we had.
I'm not young, how am I meant to recover from this and rebuild a life.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 08:19

@meanwhilebacktobasics

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. This is literally the only thing that is keeping me going. I am going to get a GP appointment because I am not eating or sleeping. I'm in a worse state than I ever have been. I keep replaying all the stuff over and over, and thinking if only I'd said or done this, or thinking about all the good times we had. I'm not young, how am I meant to recover from this and rebuild a life.
This is going to sound harsh - but seriously he's not worth this, especially when you have a child to think of

.... He's just another abuser.

He'd have acted this way to anyone, and I'd bet a considerable sum of money that he has acted in similar ways in pass relationships.

You are taking everything on your shoulders, that is actually on his shoulders.

His behaviour is text book controlling, insecure, jealous, possessive man syndrome .. unfortunately it's a common enough syndrome (I suppose it's a firm if mental illness). Unfortunately it's a form of mental illness that hurts and damaged their partners more than them.

You will rebuild your life, and you'll most likely meet another partner in time should you want to; in the meantime you have a lot of recovery to do.

Dragongirl10 · 25/02/2021 08:23

I'm not young, how am I meant to recover from this and rebuild a life.

You didn't have a good life with this man! please let the scales fall from your eyes. This was a miserable relationship.
Change your perspective, he did not add anything worthwhile to your life, you have been unhappy and stressed.
Now you can be free of all of that, but you must look forward not back, everytime you start to go over the past, make a big effort to STOP and start planning nice things for the future.

Dragongirl10 · 25/02/2021 08:27

Also op,
STOP being a victim. You have a choice, start treating yourself as a friend.

Start eating 3 small tasty meals a day, you can, you really can.
Do an exercise before bed, some yoga or meditation, or have a long bath.

Every day do nice things for yourself, if you really cannot imagine what you would say to a good friend in the same situation and be that friend to yourself.

You do not need a man to be happy, and it is far better to be contentedly alone than in an abusive relationship.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 08:42

They always always say it's you.

If you ever get to know about their last relationships, you'll see signs it's their default behaviour. But they could never ever admit it's them ... So they'll always convince themselves and try to convince you it's you.

I was with a man who had some similar behavioural traits. He told he me it was a. Because I told him I'd cheated on an ex, and b. Because if the strength & uniqueness of his feelings for me (he's fallen in love and this was the first time in years).

He had started, from about three months into the relationship, trying to get me to agree to an arrangement that we would not socialise separately from each other (despite not even living together and seeing each other only once or twice a week). I wouldn't agree to it (even if we'd been living together or seen each other more, I wouldn't have agreed to it).

He started "cracking up" when I socialised separately from him (he was angry, critical, threatening to finish the relationship or finishing it but later not following through. After the incidents he'd make critical comments and question me about absolutely anything I said about the social events during natural conversation).(He also criticised many things I mentioned about past situations, before I met him, that I'd said during other normal conversations).

He told me he'd had no problem with previous girlfriends socialising separately from him; it was just me (because of the above) .... He would stop for an occasion or two but always return to the explosions over me socialising separately or even plans to do so.

Like many people, he was capable of getting into a conversation about past events and get carried away/lose discretion .. he tended to talk a lot about one of his exes who he clearly still held a lot of animosity towards; he let it slip during one convo about her (where he got carried away in his triumph that she'd been caught out lying) that he'd actually dumped her because she'd gone on a girls night out at a time when they weren't getting on.

Yeah .. the guy who told me very confidently that he only had a problem with me going out separately because I was a past cheater and also he'd fallen in love this time; had somehow weirdly had a problem with this ex socialising separately too. He also omitted to realise when he told me that she'd lied about being out in the girls night out but had been caught out (by being seen by a mutual acquaintance who told him) .. that I could draw the conclusion that she felt she had to lie. Why would anyone lie about something like joining some other women on a girls night out : if they thought there'd be no problem with it on their relationship??

They're all the same, they're the same with ever woman (to.skme extent of another), they always say it's you. It's not.

Just be grateful you have no child with him.

He's dressed you out with the endless shit these guys come out with; which just have an effect on you being happy, relaxed etc ..
That has a knick on effect on your child. Don't let him keep doing that, even when you're not seeing him any longer. You deserve to be happy and relaxed; and your child deserves to have a happy, relaxed, undistracted parent. Dint let him face that effect in their life.

He's nothing but an abuser.
And a very common garden type of one at that.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 08:45

*stressed you out, obviously

Bouledeneige · 25/02/2021 08:48

Listen to Louis Theroux's Grounded interview with FKA Twigs. This is classic abuse. You are not to blame.

Get yourself support and ensure your safety.

DoverSoul · 25/02/2021 08:53

Incidentally make sure you keep yourself safe at all times after you end of with him in case he turns out to be violent/obsessive/stalky etc. Women are killed on a regular basis by men like him

This. Please do everything you can to keep yourself safe, change the locks if he has keys (could he have keys you might not know about?).

None of this is your fault, OP. I remember feeling the way you are describing when my 30 year relationship ended. Despite the fact his abuse had become utterly unbearable and I didn't even like him by the end, I still had to grieve the end of that relationship. I also think there was some trauma bonding to deal with.

That's good that you're seeing your GP. I too think contacting Women's Aid would be a good idea. They were so helpful with me. Abuse of this sort can leave its mark, the more specialised help you get the better.

Keep posting, we're here for you Flowers

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 08:54

Also op, ending any relationship is painful.

It will take time to recover.

Pyewackect · 25/02/2021 09:00

It sounds like he has MH issues, which he really needs to address with a professional. I would go out of my way to say out of his way and if he ever says anyhting even vaguely threatening then I would go straight to the police. I also suspect his family are fully aware of his MH problems and have , deliberately, kept that from you. Take sensible precautions and block any communication with him or his family.

It's only when you are the otherside you look back and think, " Jeeze, what was that all about ? ".

meanwhilebacktobasics · 25/02/2021 09:03

@gaijinetal I have read and re-read your post. Totally accurate in everything you have written.
" cracking up" is exactly what I had to face if I tried to do anything to have time to myself, He had hypervigilance about anything that could lead in his mind to the threat of me going off with someone. Even something totally innocent like giving someone advice on a site, he saw it as an " in" to get responses and start banter with people. I used to show him my phone ( yes I know...) to prove nothing was there...but he would actually find something he viewed as suspicious every time!! He used to ask about anyone male who "liked" anything I added to fb ( is he single,how do you know him etc) and insisted that all the chat heads you can see were people I must be in regular contact with.

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 09:09

*I also suspect his family are fully aware of his MH problems"

They've also blamed you for "giving him hope" (thus destabilising him in their eyes, given you got back to the point of splitting again sooner or later - due to his behaviour).

In doing that, they've conveniently ignored that he was emotionally blackmailing you to continue the relationship, and that you were yourself trying to cope with attachment and investment and the pain if splitting. They also conveniently ignored that if was his continued behaviour, on top of all the previous, that had you back at splitting each time.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 09:26

[quote meanwhilebacktobasics]@gaijinetal I have read and re-read your post. Totally accurate in everything you have written.
" cracking up" is exactly what I had to face if I tried to do anything to have time to myself, He had hypervigilance about anything that could lead in his mind to the threat of me going off with someone. Even something totally innocent like giving someone advice on a site, he saw it as an " in" to get responses and start banter with people. I used to show him my phone ( yes I know...) to prove nothing was there...but he would actually find something he viewed as suspicious every time!! He used to ask about anyone male who "liked" anything I added to fb ( is he single,how do you know him etc) and insisted that all the chat heads you can see were people I must be in regular contact with.[/quote]
Op, before I stopped talking about any interaction with anyone of the opposite sex in natural conversation (which is unnatural and demonstrates how unhealthy a relay is) I got criticised/grievances aired over;

  • speaking to an ex work colleague I met in the street outside a hotel while attending a concert. Not sure what I was supposed to do; blank people I worked with for a few years, but only if they're male. This was a grievance aired in the context of me attending the concert with friends mid week on my own - which I shouldn't have been doing.
  • speaking to a man I knew slightly through a hobby, at an event related to the hobby we knew .. while standing beside him. The offence of politely offering to get the man something to eat of drink (he was an away club member visiting my club if that makes sense, and had given me hospitality at an event before) when I went to the food tent, was apparently utterly inappropriate too.
  • playing table tennis with "a bunch of fellas" at a birthday party I attended on my own (table was the main gift) which I naively mentioned in natural conversation. This was only let go when I explained that only guys stepped up to play and that they were all there with partners. Comments were made about me attending/staying over at the party (only the 40 yr old birthday girl, her 50 something female week-day lodger, and myself stayed over) ..
He knew what house parties are like, everyone knows what house parties are like.

And on and on ..

I had a (married with young children) temporary work colleague who was male and I actually purposefully made no mention of him so I wouldn't have to watch every word I said about him.

It's untenable, it leaves you with perpetual tension.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 09:36

He also started suggesting I start my own small business in my industry in one of his outbuilding; at the time I thought it was a nice offer and liked the apparent confidence & can-do attitude to business (as opposed to my v cautious, lacking in confidence attitude)

..... In retrospect I wonder how much of it was about getting me out of the work force in my male dominated industry.

They think of every angle, every possible opening for you to have interaction with the opposite sex, and try to plug it. When I told one of my uncles about his behaviour, he mined locking a door and putting the key in his pocket; he is correct. The only reason men like him don't keep women in a cage is they can't do it in our society.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 09:38

*mimed

lydia2021 · 25/02/2021 09:49

Fantastic family hes got... burying their head in the sand about him and blaming you. No, you are not to blame, there are many people who are emotional cripples and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. You are right to end it as you appear to have no quality of life with this person. I was married once, he was a monster. Then I nearly married someone else. He said one sentence. Things will change when we marry. I legged it. Never lived with a man since. Well done for getting out before kids came along. Xx

meanwhilebacktobasics · 25/02/2021 10:06

The insight that you lovely Mumsnetters have has blown me away. I never knew men could seem so lovely and normal and loving and then turn into this..although they dont turn do they, its them all along. For those who have sadly experienced this, how did your abuser take it when you broke up? Did friends realise but didnt tell you,or was if all covert?? I told a friend yesterday who I havent spoken to in a while but she didn't seem to make much of it, for example, the stuff about social media policing, she said " well I dont use it..." and messaging people she said " oh I dont tend to do that..." so it was as though I was stressing him out by doing it. I wished I'd not said anything.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/02/2021 14:01

@meanwhilebacktobasics

The insight that you lovely Mumsnetters have has blown me away. I never knew men could seem so lovely and normal and loving and then turn into this..although they dont turn do they, its them all along. For those who have sadly experienced this, how did your abuser take it when you broke up? Did friends realise but didnt tell you,or was if all covert?? I told a friend yesterday who I havent spoken to in a while but she didn't seem to make much of it, for example, the stuff about social media policing, she said " well I dont use it..." and messaging people she said " oh I dont tend to do that..." so it was as though I was stressing him out by doing it. I wished I'd not said anything.
Threatened suicide. Random text messages 'at x cliff, wanted to say goodbye' bollocks. Planned to stage an elaborate performance in front of me so that I would tearfully 'save him' and beg him to move in and forgive me for my awfulness (but didn't realise I was watching him rehearse).

Messages on answerphone 'had some terrible news about x member of family', 'there's an emergency and x relative is asking for you', 'we should go for a coffee as friends to have closure', turning up at the house and watching it. Shit like that.

I had been caught out by owning a mobile that didn't allow me to block numbers. It was replaced very quickly and the landline/answerphone was unplugged hurled across the room and never used again.

I'm sure that there were all manner of stories about me 'having an affair', whether physically, through my phone, online or through fucking time travel.

I don't give a fuck if he said I was knocking off half of Kent in exchange for half a bag of cold chips and the bus fare home, the important thing is that his batshittery isn't my fucking problem anymore.

As long as he's not trying to make it my problem by turning up or finding new ways to contact me, I do not give one shiny shit if I've become the mythical Evil ex who did him wrong when he's trying to get some other woman to feel sorry enough for him to shag him.

DoverSoul · 25/02/2021 14:24

For those who have sadly experienced this, how did your abuser take it when you broke up?

Thankfully mine had another woman so he left me but he still did his best to break me once and for all before he went. Despite all that, he still said "Do you want me to go?" after he had told me he was moving in with her, because he couldn't even take the final responsibility.

I told a friend yesterday who I havent spoken to in a while but she didn't seem to make much of it

My experience has been that people don't understand unless they have been through it. Doesn't mean they don't care, they just don't get what it's like.

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/02/2021 14:43

Stalking. Be aware of this and please make sure you call the police if need be.
Keep a diary of every shit thing he does or says.
Contact Womens aid. Get support. Only talk to trust worthy friends about it.
Process it all with professional help. Don't do it all by yourself, there is help out there.