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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

251 replies

meanwhilebacktobasics · 24/02/2021 06:09

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

OP posts:
meanwhilebacktobasics · 12/03/2021 17:54

@doversoul so annoying isn't it. I've got no intention of replying. Apparently he has " lots to say to me". I can imagine what that would consist of..no chance.
And yes I did change the locks, best to be on the safe side.

OP posts:
meanwhilebacktobasics · 12/03/2021 17:59

@Yebanksandbraes I have blocked, it's just so infuriating, but then I should have expected it.

@TurquoiseDragon yes MN its probably the best distraction ever, although have done some baking today so that's helped too! I honestly feel like that relationship is so far in the past now, I have no desire to have any contact ever again.

OP posts:
DoverSoul · 12/03/2021 18:05

That's so good to hear, meanwhile. You've come a long way in a short time, well done Smile

Sssloou · 12/03/2021 18:13

How old is your DC @meanwhilebacktobasics and how have they been impacted by what you have endured?

meanwhilebacktobasics · 12/03/2021 18:27

@Sssloou late teenager , and he was on his best behaviour with them!! Used to buy stuff and seemed genuinely fond. He got them on side as it were and was very careful to wait until we were alone to be awful. I think it was just part of his tactics really..another reason why he thought I'd find it hard to leave seeing as they got on well.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 12/03/2021 18:52

Sounds like a very highly manipulative character - at least he didn’t hurt them directly.

However your teenager will likely have been negativity emotionally impacted by seeing their DM mentally eroded over a long period of time. I am wondering if they had support from their own Dad during this difficult time?

chaosrabbitland · 12/03/2021 18:56

because you have lived in fear of his temper and emotional blackmail you were scared of how he would react or what meltdown he would have if you just finished quickly it was easier to give into the pressure and keep agreeing to try again . with of course the result its looked like you have lead him on . if hes got mental heath problems caused by his awful life its not your job to fix him only he can do that . sounds like hes not fit to be in any relationship really . you are well best out of it now

Yebanksandbraes · 12/03/2021 20:06

You are doing so well OP. You sound determined to keep him out of your life now which is fantastic. I'm so impressed.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2021 20:31

He is dangling the prospect of explanation and closure for you.

Ignore him. He is trying to suck you into his orbit again. There will never be closure here, not from him anyway.

mathanxiety · 14/03/2021 03:32

He is dangling the prospect of explanation and closure for you.

Ignore him. He is trying to suck you into his orbit again. There will never be closure here, not from him anyway.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 14/03/2021 06:51

I can predict what he would say to me if he gets a platform for it. Either declarations of love and how he is addressing his issues , and he is a totally new person now, look at how far hes come etc. Or, vitriol and vile insults about how horrible I am and what I've done to him, and what I've done to previous partners. Or threats about what he will do to himself because of me.
I dont want to hear any of it.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/03/2021 07:48

You are very well clued up.

Don't waver.

Flowers
Yebanksandbraes · 14/03/2021 09:18

You are right OP. He would say anything to manipulate and/or hurt you.
You are infinitely better off without him in your life. Well done for not responding.

SionnachGlic · 14/03/2021 09:30

Please don't give this abuser more power now that you've finally managed to break free. You've done the right thing for you. Don't listen to his family...they are the ones prob listening to his rants now & not knowing what to do except cast blame. Leave them too it. You are strong to end it, you are probably suffering something like PTSD & being emotional & weepy but you should not feel a second of guilt. Do not listen to them...restore your energy & go live your best life, free from his abuse. 🌷

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 14/03/2021 10:02

I dont want to hear any of it

Good. You're really getting the hang of this freedom lark, aren't you?

As he's obviously still lurking, he got through the Significant Date fine. As if it wasn't actually that significant when he doesn't have somebody to bully and control with the threat of it being Such A Terrible Anniversary.

Keep on blocking. He and the shit that comes out of his mouth, is not your problem ever again.

DoverSoul · 14/03/2021 12:29

I dont want to hear any of it

Good. It's amazing how well we get to know them once we are free of them and our heads are clear, isn't it.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 14/03/2021 12:38

Thanks all for keep checking in on this thread...I do appreciate it so much. Yes when the fog lifts and you can finally see all the chaos he brought in...I wish he would meet someone else and just forget about me totally. The thought of him " lurking" isn't good, but I've made it clear where I stand and nothing will change my mind.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 16/03/2021 20:43

How are you doing, @meanwhilebacktobasics ?

DoverSoul · 20/03/2021 08:02

Hopefully you're striding into the distance without a backward glance, meanwhile, but if you are still about - how's your week been?

meanwhilebacktobasics · 29/03/2021 21:17

Sorry PPs I am still here! I am doing so well, thank you for checking in. I had one attempt from him at contact by post. Binned it without looking and made sure everything still blocked. It all seems like a lifetime ago, and I am not kidding when I say every single day I wake up and am so grateful that MN posters and WA gave me that validation and determination to get out. I'm never looking back and am well on the way to being who I used to be before I was crushed down. Life is so much better , I was like a zombie, I can see it now.....just wish all the other posters who are in vile relationships could see a few weeks or months down the line when the pain is gone and life begins again
I say this while relaxing from my own lovely comfy bed, shared with just the cat and eating a tub of cookie dough ice cream....all for me😁.

OP posts:
meanwhilebacktobasics · 29/03/2021 21:20

@DoverSoul
@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Meant to tag you in my update!

OP posts:
RabbiTouch · 30/03/2021 11:07

I've name changed but it's still me Wink. Glad you binned whatever drivel he was trying to reel you back in with.

I'm so pleased to hear how well you're doing Smile. It really is joyful being able to do what you want, when you want, without anyone trying to make out you're doing something wrong. Enjoy! Grin

^^

Newestname001 · 30/03/2021 12:37

Well done, @meanwhilebacktobasics!!

Glad to hear you sounding so strong and positive. Love the idea of being comfy in your own bed with the cat.

I'm more a dark classic magnum girl - I try not to have them in the house as they call to me from the freezer until they are ALL eaten and I have a guilty conscience and brain freeze 🥶! 🌹

Spudina · 30/03/2021 12:46

Great update OP. X

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 13:27

fantastic update 🌸