Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

[meanwhilebacktobasics]

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

You often find once you've had a narcissist or similar I your life in one way, you have more in other capacities.

Why wouldnt a friend be supportive hearing everything that he is done? Why would she try to make you second guess yourself?

Either as pp said, often ppl dont understand and want to see the best in ppl (but then...she still isnt a good friend to you tbh given the circumstances you explained to her) but...it may be she is cut from the same cold hearted cloth he is.

It might be time to take a good look at everyone in your life and back away from those who dont have your back.

Just for context, when I had an abusive partner i also had a narcissist best friend. When I started to question his behaviour she would make out I was in the wrong. So I had them both gaslight me about his abuse and it therefore took me longer to get away from him.

It's so horrible to think that a friend would want to see you suffer. But her sort view you as the competition and so enjoy seeing you 'getting taken down a peg or two' so that they remain feeling... above you, I guess.

It was only when I realised what he was, that I realised what she was.

You have to be careful who you trust. Unfortunately,just because you love and care for a friend, family member partner, doesnt mean they have hearts capable of the same thing for you.

@Wanderlusto

Just for context, when I had an abusive partner i also had a narcissist best friend. When I started to question his behaviour she would make out I was in the wrong. So I had them both gaslight me about his abuse and it therefore took me longer to get away from him.

It's so horrible to think that a friend would want to see you suffer. But her sort view you as the competition and so enjoy seeing you 'getting taken down a peg or two' so that they remain feeling... above you, I guess.

It was only when I realised what he was, that I realised what she was.

You have to be careful who you trust. Unfortunately,just because you love and care for a friend, family member partner, doesnt mean they have hearts capable of the same thing for you.

Horrible but yes this happens often...

glad you escaped this vicious pair..

OP this is not your fault 🌺

PP I honestly dont think it's taken seriously is it? Seen as a bit of banter by people or just the fact that I'm too sensitive. If it's not physical, then it's just a row...and everyone has those don't they.
It's not like I need people to wallow with me, but I honestly think that people assume theres no smoke without fire, that he must have had reason to be that way. Or that I'm so passive and nice it's my fault, at least some of it. That's why it's good to be on here, women supporting women because they've been there and understand.
He has been in contact ,there is a way for him that I cant block at present, but exactly as PP said..nice, then nasty,promises and threats ( to himself). You ladies call it. Everytime.

If you need to respond to his contact grey rock him, but if you don't you're better not to. Keep a note of anything he contacts you with, just in case. Look after yourself

You are absolutely not to blame for this terrible behaviour. He is a disturbed person but that is not down to you. You've done the right thing ending it.

Where do I start. Ones parting shot, when I said I was leaving and moving away to another county. He said, They dont let good meat go to waste, in that county. That told me I had wasted years on that man. Not surprised I enjoy solitude, my own home, I am not lonely. Many people, men and women, are more lonely in a relationship. That was true for me. Hold your head high, check someone out, really well before you commit. Go in haste, repent at leisure. Good luck.xx

I'm sure that there were all manner of stories about me 'having an affair', whether physically, through my phone, online or through fucking time travel.

On a related note; one thing I noticed about my ex (and many other woman have mentioned this) is the retrospective jealousy ... Every relationship & interaction with the opposite sex is a problem for them too; not only do they want you own you in the present, they want to own you in the past - before you even met them, too. They - in contrast are allowed to have had past relationships and flings (the idea of flings really fkg gets to them) without being criticised about it.

I feel like they don't see women as people, more like objects/posessions.

They'd only really be capable of a relationship with a robotic sex doll. Even then if she wasn't straight out of the factory they'd be tearing their hair out over her history log lol.

@gaijinetal so true. Ive been berated over my " past" so many times...not that I really have much of a one that's worth mentioning.
I'm just concerned now that he wont go quietly ,he still isn't accepting my decision that we are over ( I cant block him on one thing at the minute as it is work based) so he is sending horrible messages ,then loving apologetic, then interspersed with pretty bizarre emails with quotes from books and emojis on.

@Silenceisgolden20 yes, he has said "he wont just go away..."

Keep a diary. Don't be afraid to call the police. For the smallest thing. Say you don't feel safe. Get it logged.
That's my experience.

Oh and don't ever reply. Ever.

Sorry I meant to messages. Don't eve acknowledge them

@Silenceisgolden20 yes I will follow your advice. Just a shame he lives so near, he could almost see our house from the back of his.

Does he work at the same company as you? Just wondered since you say you can't block him on a work system. It might be advisable to speak to HR or your line manager, just in case he tries to make trouble for you at work.

FWIW, I think you've done brilliantly to get this piece of shit out of your life. The next step is to get him and his horrible family out of your head as well. It will happen, just give yourself time.

If it's a work email, you could speak to your line manager/HR - he should not be using work systems to harass you or send you inappropriate messages.

Yes it's a similar platform he can message on ( trying not to be too specific) ,but he doesnt work at my place. If needs be I could speak to IT to sort something out. I feel so drained but I guess I can expect crap for a while from him, as he doesnt understand " no" or boundaries.

Yes, out him. Abusers thrive on secrecy . You don't have to go into details but you can speak to HR & explain this man must not contact you.
Limit the crap to expect from him. Don't accept it. Put things in place.

Remember this is a shit time but the more you do now, the more you can move on and get him out of your life. It can be done.
He will hate it and push but stick to it.

@Silenceisgolden20 yes I will just have to keep thinking that. At the minute I cant imagine ever being okay again. Not sure what a breakdown feels like but I think I'm having it. My hands are shaking, y heart is pounding.I keep replaying the rows over and over, then crying because I remember the times when he was loving and we had fun. Then guilt, I honestly dont know what I'm doing. I'm going to ring my GP tomorrow. I did try a helpline but didnt get through ,maybe I'll try again. I knew this would be awful but I didnt realise just how bad.

I couldn't understand why I was so upset and felt so awful when I was so glad to see the back of him. Being in an abusive relationship is such a headfuck.

I guess I can expect crap for a while from him

This is not acceptable. Please seek professional help if he harrasses you. Keep copies and notes of every contact.

Please do try the helpline again. I hope you manage to speak to your GP. It is a horrible time right now but you will get through this

[quote meanwhilebacktobasics]@Silenceisgolden20 yes I will just have to keep thinking that. At the minute I cant imagine ever being okay again. Not sure what a breakdown feels like but I think I'm having it. My hands are shaking, y heart is pounding.I keep replaying the rows over and over, then crying because I remember the times when he was loving and we had fun. Then guilt, I honestly dont know what I'm doing. I'm going to ring my GP tomorrow. I did try a helpline but didnt get through ,maybe I'll try again. I knew this would be awful but I didnt realise just how bad.[/quote]
That is the trauma coming out. You've experienced trauma with him.
It will be ok and it will get better.
Womens Aid are fantastic and good you're speaking to your GP. What would help is talking about it to someone who understands, a counsellor?

You wont feel like this forever and it's ok. You've been through a lot. Be kind to yourself

You’ve had excellent advice from the ‘Nest of Vipers’ as we’re called.

Just to echo some others that I’m recently out of a very controlling abusive marriage that went on for 20+ years and your thoughts and behaviours to all this will take some unraveling.

Stay firm, uncover the abuse to others that can help you IRL and call up more friends and tell them what’s happened. I’ve had a couple who’ve somewhat brushed off my experiences, but the rest have been incredibly supportive.

Start to build up your own team.

Yes, talk to your GP. I’m still partially held together by ADs.

I don’t tend to think they’re working until I forget to take them for a couple of days!

This is my first experience of MN and I can honestly say that you have kept me going. If this is " A Nest of vipers" as PP said then I want you all on my team. The empathy and support is amazing.

Has anyone had what feels like panic attacks? Did anything help? Last night I honestly felt like I was having a heart attack with a massive pain in my chest. I'm so shaky and lightheaded. I cannot believe that this is so bad. I think someone mentioned trauma bond, it's like coming off heroin.