Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

[meanwhilebacktobasics]

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

Love, you're not all he has.

He's been using his horrible family to emotionally blackmail you, so he has them, for a start.
He has a job and colleagues.
He has somewhere to live and neighbours.
He has access to doctors, helplines and support if he wants to seek it.

Before you were in his life, only 3 years ago, he survived just fine.

He's a full grown adult man who is responsible for his own choices and own behaviour, and always has been.

You are not responsible for him and you are not what he needs - you wouldn't be doing him any favours by putting your neck back on his chopping block. You don't make him happy or influence him to be a better person, you're just his emotional punchbag. It doesn't do his brain (or soul if you believe in that) any good to have opportunity to exercise his worst impulses and treat you like shit.

Ride out the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) feelings you're experiencing. They're a lie created by the emotional abuse, and they're just emotions anyway - they will change and pass. It hurts and you want it to stop, but you will get through this if you give yourself a chance to stay out.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you need motivation to stay away, this film is everything you are talking about and it didn't end well. It's a true story: Murdered by my boyfriend

@category12 I know you're right, it's just so damn hard as it goes against every instinct to ignore someone when you think they are at rock bottom. I know I have to though, I've honestly felt like I m going mad.

@lougle I have just watched this, thank you. Same script, I was astonished at word for word he repeated some of what my ex said ,it is chilling. And the crying, the promising, the quick switch from nice to nasty in an instant, the forcing her to " tell the truth" is exactly what he used to do, I'd tell him and then he would just accuse me of lying..

If I didnt have you lovely MNetters with your support,recommended reading,podcasts etc..(and every single one I am following up) I can honestly say I would have caved in by now, with nobody to warn me otherwise. I need to stay strong.

@meanwhilebacktobasics

I have massive guilt feelings starting now. I have this huge urge to try and " fix" it, even though I know I cant. I just keep thinking of him left with nothing now, I was literally the only thing he had. Plus there is a very significant event date coming up ( think anniversary/ big birthday) and I am honestly afraid of what might happen. In previous conversations prior to me going no contact, he did threaten to hurt himself. My anxiety is through the roof.

He's got his family.

And the satisfaction of having a 'significant date' that he can weaponise to further harass and bully you about.

IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Even if he does hurt himself (which I very much doubt, but it depends on how much he really, really wants to bully and torture you further just so he maintains ownership of you), that is not your problem.

You are free of any obligation, duty or connection to him.

You will never, ever be able to 'fix' it. He doesn't want you to - the only benefit to him from this is that your escaping and then being terrorised back would be he'd have a whole new bunch of things to accuse you of - that you left because you must have been fucking somebody else, that you wanted him to die, that YOU LEFT and THAT PROVES YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED, that he was right all along about you.

He believes you're a slapper. A whore. He doesn't actually want YOU, he wants a slave, a prisoner, a serf; if it hadn't been you, anybody else would have done. All women are the same to him. All snakes with tits/never trust anything that bleeds for a week a month without dying/all whores and slags and there to serve his wants. That person has never loved you, never cared about you, never respected, liked or barely tolerated you. But they've pretended to, so they can get what they want - a broken down shell with a vagina that thinks of nothing but him.

HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He's done this to himself. Not you. He did it. You don't owe him a second of your thoughts, your compassion, care, affection, time, body, soul - not even a millisecond.

Take back your time. It's yours, not his. He tried to steal it from you by physical/mental force. And in the end, he failed. He doesn't like that. Well, tough fucking shit.

Good post, NeverDrop.

I've honestly felt like I m going mad

I thought I was losing my mind in the last few years of my marriage. It wasn't until he'd been away for a while that the fog began to clear. I also found researching narcissistic abuse, and seeing posts on MN where others had been through the same, helped me to understand that there is no reasoning to any of their behaviour, apart from to abuse you. It is a complete headfuck, there's no other word for it.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup Good points, especially the part about him having yet more things to berate me for.

@doversoul I keep replying the scenes over and over in my head, all mixed up. It scares me the way that I'm feeling. I dont think I will ever think straight. I left my door unlocked when I went out, I forgot the shopping I'd just bought..I feel as if I'm totally cracking up.

It's very early days, meanwhile. You may have left you door unlocked but you went out! You went shopping! That's a lot more than I did that soon. Don't beat yourself up for understandable mishaps. Slow down, go easy on yourself and your head will clear in its own good time.

@meanwhilebacktobasics - I think you should, first of all, congratulate yourself in getting out, shopping, and having a conversation with another bloke. Next time will be a bit easier, be him a cashier, a barman, a friend of a friend. It’s going to take time to unravel... but you’ve taken a few steps in the right direction.

It’s also JUST FINE to have a duvet day, and rest.

Can I really recommend this: freedomprogramme.co.uk
It’s a course that can be done in person via zoom in a number of places, or you can do it online.

I did it with www.sutda.org They are brilliant and very inspirational women who’ll help you in other aspects too, or at least signpost you.

@Anniegetyourgun and @TurquoiseDragon
I hear you. Like you, I managed 25 years.
It’s a lot of mind f*ck to unravel.

@meanwhilebacktobasics it takes time to heal, but you'll get there.

And I doubt he'll do anything permanent to himself. His type rarely do. It's all about the manipulation and punishment of you. He can't manipulate or punish you if he's dead, can he? He wants to get enjoyment from watching you squirm.

But while he won't do anything permanent, I'd block him because he might pull a stunt to disturb you. Just remember that it will be a stunt. Ignore any of his flying monkeys.

Thank you, all brilliant advice. Yesterday evening I almost thought I'd turned a corner, today I woke in a panic and I feel I'm at square one. I spoke to a friend yesterday, it was good to be able to talk, but she seemed to think that now I had ended it, I should not give it a moment's thought...ever again. Do people really do this??? I mean after 3 years and some incredible happy times, then the trauma of things spiralling out of control and chaos....? Surely it's not wrong to feel as I do. I know I cant have that honeymoon period again, and I definitely dont want the bad parts back but it's hard to come to terms with.

A family member pretty much said this as well, with the added bonus of " told you so" .I'd mentioned a while ago that we were having some problems and she' d said to break up at the time. I just felt stupid. I loved him! Does everyone IRL just think I'm an idiot and have brought this on myself, I think they do.

If it wasnt for MN support god knows what I'd have done.

Who cares if his family don't believe you? You need to leave them behind you along with him. You can't control what he tells people. Anyone worth knowing and keeping in your life won't just take his word anyway. Sounds like this guy is completely toxic to you, get far away from him, block block block

As a general point, I think what the partners parents or family think about any relationship and especially the ending of same should be of zero relevance to our decision-making.

Do people really do this???

Some might be able to but very few, I would imagine. You can't just put something out of your mind, no matter how much you'd like to. Sometimes you can imagine you're putting it in a box to think about at a specific time but at the moment it's still very early days for you and your mind and body need time to get used to the change.

I understand what your friend means, and it's very easy to say, but there aren't many people who can just switch off. Don't think she was being unfeeling, she might just have not known what else to say. If people haven't been in such a relationship they don't seem to understand.

I think when you concentrate on making things how you want them and doing things for yourself that is leaving less room for the bad stuff but you cannot be blamed for needing to work through it.

You are not back at square one - you are a good few days down the line. Go back and read your first post and see how far you've come already

Tiny steps I guess. Have eaten something and found the Freedom Programme which I have bought to do online.

I know the panic feeling passes now and thanks to MN I have had the lightbulb moment that I must not contact him ,something I never managed to accomplish previously). That cycle is broken.
I read through these comments every day to remind me that I have done the right thing. My thinking is all over the place but going back to that is not part of it. I'm sure that this is why these men dont want you to have any time to yourself..as soon as you have the clarity on what's really happening, they know you'll be gone.

I'm sure that this is why these men dont want you to have any time to yourself..as soon as you have the clarity on what's really happening, they know you'll be gone.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. They really don't want you thinking for yourself. That'll be why they don't like you having contact with other people too, in case they 'put ideas in your head'.

Please do not let him back into your life. He is a sick controlling fuck. None of it is you.

@doversoul He used to look for signs I'd been talking to others about him, hed say I was acting differently and people were stigmatising him unfairly.

I definitely need to stop any possible channel of communication so that he can't send anything awful, wish I could stop the post and live somewhere else too...

people were stigmatising him unfairly

Ever the victim. It all boils down to his insecurities and fragile ego.

Have you had the locks changed?

[quote meanwhilebacktobasics]@doversoul He used to look for signs I'd been talking to others about him, hed say I was acting differently and people were stigmatising him unfairly.

I definitely need to stop any possible channel of communication so that he can't send anything awful, wish I could stop the post and live somewhere else too...[/quote]
Nah, they just sussed him out as being an arsehole.

@DoverSoul all my keys are here, so I am hoping that it's okay.

@neverdropyourmooncup afraid so, but it's always someone else's fault isn't it.

Do you think it would be a good or bad idea to try and check up on him on this date that's coming up? I dont want to get in touch directly, but say if I asked his family? Or is that just a lousy idea and it would get back to him or they would reproach me. ..

[quote meanwhilebacktobasics]@DoverSoul all my keys are here, so I am hoping that it's okay.

@neverdropyourmooncup afraid so, but it's always someone else's fault isn't it.

Do you think it would be a good or bad idea to try and check up on him on this date that's coming up? I dont want to get in touch directly, but say if I asked his family? Or is that just a lousy idea and it would get back to him or they would reproach me. ..[/quote]
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.....

You get the idea?

Definitely do not approach anyone on the special day. In fact, Redouble your efforts to block him and his family friends. Do not respond to any unknown or privote numbers around the date. Would not put it past him to try to contact you to draw you back in.

meanwhile I really don't think it would be a good idea at all. Cutting all contact completely is the best way to go IMO. I would sometimes see or hear things, good or bad, about my ex and much as it sated my nosiness it always made me feel so much worse mentally. I only properly started to move on when I wasn't getting any information or reminders about him at all.

Your ex may well be expecting some kind of contact from you on this date - don't let him know he's even on your mind, for your own sake

Thanks, that's unanimous. Great advice.Just Had an online chat with WA, She was really good, very active responding , and she said it would be dangerous to have any contact and if hes going to do something, I cant be held to ransom. I honestly think I've been brainwashed over these years, my rational mind has learned to doubt itself and be overridden ,my git feeling and intuition have perished.one thing is for sure, I need to stay away from any relationship for a good long while until Iheal and examine how this horrific situation came about. Red flag after red flag and I did nothing. I could have ended it so much earlier on, I had my chances.I need to get some insight.

• gut ( although git might be a freudian slip...)