Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

[meanwhilebacktobasics]

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

We believe you.

You have done the right thing, he is abusive and his family are enabling it. Block them all, don't read the message.

Can you talk to a friend or Women's Aid? Or talk to your GP about counselling (might be a wait but worth it).

You’ve done nothing wrong, in fact I admire you for breaking free from an unhealthy relationship.

I did the same thing once. Ended a relationship because I could see he was trying to isolate me. I felt stifled. When I ended it, he threw at me that his parents hated me. It only cemented my decision that I’d done the right thing.

Stand firm in your decision. Of course you feel guilty, you’re a nice person and have a heart. He will get over it. Let him spout to people, they don’t care and if they know you both then they know the truth. He’s only going to make himself look bitter and foolish. You can’t stay somewhere that causes you misery and having someone ask a thousand questions about one Facebook post is miserable!

The dust will settle. Big hugs!

Well done leaving! Its so hard to do.
My ex is exactly the same with regards to nothing ever being his fault. Every single thing he did/resorted to in our relationship is apparently how he had to be in order to deal with my 'attitude'

That includes turning to cocaine when we had a newborn and toddler because I expected too much of him.

I'm sorry but we, and anyone else, cannot 'make' a person into anything. We are not to blame for their actions. They are fully grown men who make these decisions.

I understand the feeling awful bit. I did/do. My ex has been awful since I left in November but I still wouldn't wish harm on him and I really do feel sorry for him when he's clearly struggling. But there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough and look after yourself. Ranting on here does help. And it would probably help to be able to speak to a helpline. You will feel better x

No, absolutely not your fault .

If you need someone to talk to there's the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Penny Appeal or even the Samaritans.

My head is such a mess with everything just running around in it and trying to make sense of it. I still do have feelings for him despite all of this, and I'm certainly not perfect. I've said some nasty things back to him in retaliation. I have had other long relationships but never any experience of this kind of behaviour. I used to clear down my messages and he would analyse why,and what reason at that particular moment I'd done it. He accused me of flirting with people ,even if the subject was something boring,as he said it was the tone or frequency or that I had deliberately opened up the conversation. I'm so drained. How can anyone do this to someone who has never ever even looked at anyone else.

Because he is a psychopath/narcissist op. Or similar. His family consider him 'ill' because the alternative is to admit he is just an evil shit.

He has drawn you into this fantasy too.

Because it's always hard to realise that someone who is supposed to love and care for us, is actually incapable of it. Infact,he views you with contempt.

It is not your fault he is what he is, you have done nothing wrong. A lion cannot love a lamb. You escape him or are eaten, it's that simple.

Block him on everything, if he finds a way to threaten suicide, call the 999 and tell them what he has said but make it clear you think it might be a manipulation. They can decide what to do.

If he continues or his family continue to harass you, make a police report.

It would be worthwhile for you to read up on narcissists and also their hoovering techniques. Melanie tonia Evans does great youtube videos on the subject. Learn as much as you can.

Narcissists like to tell you'everyone/no one'ferls a certain way about you. They want to make you feel alone and isolated and to back up their statements which are aimed at making you feel crazy/heartless/oversensitive ect...

You are so lucky you've got free. Keep him gone and learn all you can about his sort so they dont find their way into your life again. It will get better.

Op you have done the right thing, and you will not feel this horrible for ever, it will get better.

You cannot fix another person, nor should you have too.

Just remind yourself that he is in your past and keep planning your future, little things to look forward to.

He is abusive and you had no option but to leave.

*I should say that psychos can also be depressed/have other mental issues.

But the heart of the issue op is that he is a nasty pos. A bully, a cad, an abuser. Disordered and a danger to your wellbeing.

Always choose yourself over anyone like him.

To use blunt language - he is an abusive fucking loon and so are all of his family (who probably were quite pleased he'd found a victim to take him off their hands).

Of course you feel awful. Who wouldn't after being subjected to abuse for years?

However, in time, you will begin to feel better. Probably around the time that you realise it's fine to speak, look and think about somebody other than him. Want to make eye contact and smile at the bloke behind the counter at the Coop whilst saying thank you? Go ahead, it doesn't mean you're planning how to jump his bones by the baked goods aisle. Want to take your DC to the park and have them play with another child whilst you chat to their parent in the sunshine? You're good now. Want to twat about on the internet for an hour and not worry about having anything you type being inspected, analysed and used as evidence for further abuse? You can do that now.

For the first time in years, you're FREE. Your thoughts are your own, your body is your own, your time is your own. Free. You don't have to deal with that shit anymore. His emotions are not your responsibility. You owe him and his fucked up family absolutely NOTHING.

Being able to breathe fully after being trapped so badly is scary. It doesn't feel normal. But you can do it and, as you get to do it, it will feel so good.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup I think you've nailed it on all counts! Whatever else I was dealing with he would make worse, and it seems as soon as I relaxed ,he would pick a fight.

No lovely. You are in no way to blame. He is and he alone.

And you know what? Just fuck him. He can tell his story, you tell yours. Stop protecting that wanker. Hold your head up high; people who believe his shit aren't worth your time or thought.

In my life many people have judged me: sometimes deservedly, sometimes not. I no longer care at all, anyone with an unfounded, agressive or hurtful view of me doesn't get the chance to tell me it. I'm viewed as a slut, an idiot, hard of thinking, a benefits scrounger, a cheat, lazy, spiteful - but I know that it's broadly all shit and it doesn't change my actions or thoughts in the slightest. It doesn't matter what some next wanker thinks of you, and if they think that crap, they're no good in your life anyway. Live your life for what you know is right, not what an abusive tosser or his shitty friends think.

@Herja this made me smile! I really need to be like this, and take no crap. I really need to examine why I've let him/ them do this. I'm not young, and basically I've allowed his family to give me a bollocking...and I've agreed and felt sorry for them!! I honestly feel like I have been so stupid I deserve this heartache.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

To use blunt language - he is an abusive fucking loon and so are all of his family (who probably were quite pleased he'd found a victim to take him off their hands).

Of course you feel awful. Who wouldn't after being subjected to abuse for years?

However, in time, you will begin to feel better. Probably around the time that you realise it's fine to speak, look and think about somebody other than him. Want to make eye contact and smile at the bloke behind the counter at the Coop whilst saying thank you? Go ahead, it doesn't mean you're planning how to jump his bones by the baked goods aisle. Want to take your DC to the park and have them play with another child whilst you chat to their parent in the sunshine? You're good now. Want to twat about on the internet for an hour and not worry about having anything you type being inspected, analysed and used as evidence for further abuse? You can do that now.

For the first time in years, you're FREE. Your thoughts are your own, your body is your own, your time is your own. Free. You don't have to deal with that shit anymore. His emotions are not your responsibility. You owe him and his fucked up family absolutely NOTHING.

Being able to breathe fully after being trapped so badly is scary. It doesn't feel normal. But you can do it and, as you get to do it, it will feel so good.

OP, this is a good summary.

I left my emotionally, financially, verbally, sexually, etc, abusive ex after 30 years.

My god, I felt guilty initially, because I'd been conditioned to think of his needs and wants first, and me last.

And even though he had depression, quite badly, apparently it still didn't give him a free pass to treat me badly. Same for you, his MH was not ever an excuse to treat you badly either.

Good for you on getting out of this, and now block him and his family. Whatever he says about you, people who know you, or who get to know you in RL will catch on sooner or later (sooner in the case of my ex, he did rather overegg how "bad" I was to him and they soon sussed him out).

More than 3 years on, I feel great, getting healthier, looking better and working my way through my bucket list and planning to start dating this year. (30 years is a long relationship, I needed to heal and work on myself first.)

So, no it's not you, you're not to blame for his behaviour. This is all in his control, and don't let him manipulate you with stated or implied threats of self harm. I doubt he'll do anything, except maybe a feeble attempt to reel you back in. (Been there, he was never going to hurt himself.)

Best of luck, and go forwards into that shiny future without his weight holding you back.

It's not your job to fix him.

What he does now is NOT down to you.

He sounds batshit and controlling. Well done for getting away.

Block him and all his family.

Sounds bloody awful. Block him on everything. I totally relate to any feelings of care you might have towards him, but I actually think it's misplaced. Have you considered that the way you love him is the same way a mother might love her child? She doesn't want to hurt or abandon her child.....except he's a grown adult man, not a child who is truly dependent on you in a way that normal and natural. He's an adult male who sees no issue with holding you emotionally hostage in a relationship, to serve his own needs. Please don't hesitate to contact the police if you have to. It must be really scary to take that step but it might be necessary with him.

Well done for taking your life in another direction. Oh and no, it's not your fault. His family are looking for someone to blame here for how horrible their son can be, and you gave no idea how much they know & don't know anyway.

This man is utter garbage and his family are more of the same. Do not feel guilty for an abuser. Focus on yourself and take time to get well, this utter piece of scum did not worry about your wellbeing.

You are all amazing! These comments and insights have kept me going all day, having support behind me ( even though I dont know you, mores the pity as you are awesome) has really made me feel stronger. I know I will have to see this through no matter what, and I'm sure that he will play the victim ,spiteful man child that he is. I just wish I had more people around IRL, a they know I'm alone ,no family, nobody to fight my corner as it were.
I can usually fight my own battles but I'm so emotionally beaten, I even stumble over my words now through nerves.

Echoing everyone else here. I left my abuser after 2 decades of marriage, so I can empathise. You. Are.Categorically. Not. Responsible. For His. Abuse. Nobody is responsible for being abused. You are also not personally responsible for making him happy. He is responsible for his own actions, including what he may or may not choose to do with himself after you leave (and never look back).

@meanwhilebacktobasics, my ex is totally the victim. But I know the truth, and I am free, demonstrating to my children that it is infinitely better to go it alone than put up with abuse.@NeverDropYourMoonCup has put my feelings and experience very eloquently.

I just wish I had more people around IRL, a they know I'm alone ,no family, nobody to fight my corner as it were

He deliberately did things to make sure you didn't have anybody else. Part of the abuse.

Now you're free to open up conversations, do things, be comfortable in yourself, by yourself and with others.

No, you are not to blame for any of his behaviour.

He's an abuser.

You are not to blame for "building his hope up" - do they mean because you've gotten back together with him .. he's pressured, emotionally blackmailed etc you to do that.

He can say whatever he likes .. there is no court for the breakdown of relationships. If he says anything to anyone whose opinion actually matters, you can correct it. But the reality usually us that nobody really cares. Relationship breakdowns are oldness very quickly.

If his family think you're a,b, or c for "giving him hope" then they'll be happy and agree you're doing the right thing when you end the relationship and don't have any further contact with him at all ... Won't they .

He's a text books user - right down to the "retrospective jealousy" (jealousy and anger about your interaction with people of the opposite sex before you even met them).

Many if us have been involved with men who were like this to done extent of another ... In my opinion, they don't change, they don't stop. You have to get away

Incidentally make sure you keep.yoursejd safe at all times after you end of with him in case he turns out to be violent/obsessive/stalky etc.

Women are killed on a regular basis by men like him.

I just wish I had more people around IRL, a they know I'm alone ,no family, nobody to fight my corner as it were

It would be good for you to meet people irl, but in the meantime and in addition; we are here op.

Anything they say, anything that's bothering you ... People on here will support you and see right through their bullshit.

Besides, you should cut him and his family off completely.
No contact at all.

Contact if any sort just kers them abuse you.

And they are proof the spoke doesn't fall far from the tree.

Then should be getting their son psychological help rather than verbally beating on his latest victim too.

*Apple!

Sorry about all the typos.

You definitely are not to blame and aren't responsible for his actions. I'm sorry he put you through all this. As others say, it will get better in time. Stay strong and well done for getting out of it.

Oh and you could do the Freedom Programme.

And if you haven't read it, "Why does he do that" byLunsy Bancroft. It is about physical abuse but covers all kinds abuse and us very good - especially the "myths about abuse" and the "abuser profiles" parts.

There used to be a free line version but I can't find it at the moment.