Am I to blame for abuse? They say I am

[meanwhilebacktobasics]

We were together 3 years and got on well. After a time he became more and more insecure and tried to control how I interacted with people, social media etc, he thought that every message or picture would lead to me getting together with someone else. He interrogated me for hours if I put a post on Facebook.He wanted us to be together 24,7, he said he could not cope if not. He became depressed and lost all his friends and things got worse as his temper got so that I was scared of him. We would then make up and he'd still ask if we were going to be together etc. By this time I just was afraid of him kicking off and I'd say we have to end it but then in the fallout he used to make threats about what he would do to himself if we broke up, I still loved him and felt sorry he was in this state so I kept saying yes,we will try again,yes we will be together. But however much I reassured him it didnt work. I felt like I was going mad as I still loved the calm side of him.Now I cant take his temper anymore and have finished it for good as I'm on the verge of a breakdown. He is saying I am to blame for it all as I have lied and lied to him, he says he will tell everyone what a lying cheating b*itch I am,leading him on. His family have said I am to blame as well, as I have kept building his hope up. I have nobody to talk to.

Should add that I have never been on heroin but could imagine...

Bless you, explaining you have never been on heroin. It's great to hear that you are resolute to stay away from this guy.

If you are having a panic attack, try taking a few deep cleansing breaths then think about :-

5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste

Or, just describe your surroundings to yourself. Im sitting on a comfy couch, I've got a furry blanket over my legs, etc. It just distracts your brain enough to bring you back to earth.

Please keep posting here and don't be afraid to look for help from your work or the police or women's aid. You are not alone and can get through this.

Were you able to get an appointment with your GP or did you get anywhere with the helpline, meanwhile?

@doversoul yes I spoke to them on the phone, she was very understanding and has prescribed me some antidepressants and will give me a call next week.
Been in bed today, honestly I am just at a loss. Been watching videos of trauma bond and I can tick every box, horrible to hear that it can go on for extended period though, as the bond is broken,the trauma remains.
It sounds crazy but I used to long for a bit of peace and some time to myself but now I feel desolate ,so alone and keep thinking we would have been having lunch/ watching tv etc...

That will fade. Honestly, once you've rested, it will. And then you will find your anger on how he could treat you this way.. And then process it.

Your life will improve, it really will

@silenceisgolden20 I need to keep hearing that. I might try the helpline again tonight, as this has just illustrated how theres none IRL to lean on and tell me that.

The friend that I opened up to hasn't contacted me again, not even to ask how I am coping. I miss having no messages, I feel like most of my life has been ripped away and yet it sounds so stupid as we argued so much. Ithink even if I did have anyone to unburden it all to, I wouldn't as they would just be thinking " get a grip".

Keep talking to the helpline, you're not alone

For those who have sadly experienced this, how did your abuser take it when you broke up?

He threatened suicide. I ignored that, so he made an "attempt" that apparently landed him in hospital. After he'd texted me at first, but I didn't see it as I'd put my do not disturb on for the night.

He tried again, texting me, so I called 101 and asked for a welfare check. All ok. He tried a third time, contacting my dad this time. Dad was wise to it and called 101 for a welfare check. I suspect something was said that time, he never tried it that way again. It was all manipulation, trying to get me to go to the house and worry over him, so he could worm his way back in.

I'd been on MN for a while, had a thread from before I left and got some amazing support that helped me to get away. So I was ready for the "suicide" attempts.

On the first anniversary of leaving, he sent a message to our DD, and an email to me. DD's message wouldn't open, for a week, and the email to me made no sense. I heard through the grapevine that he'd been to the hospital that week due to taking an overdose. He lied to medical people about the overdose, he did no such thing. And we still wonder if he really saw medical staff, or if it was all a stunt. We have black and white proof that he couldn't have taken the overdose when he said he did because of the email and message timestamps. And we have other proof that means the story he told people wasn't true.

I kept my powder dry on this proof, I only intended to use it as a last resort if he carried on being nasty. As it stands, he died suddenly late last year from non covid natural causes, the DC inherit everything (still going through probate) and I guess I have the last laugh.

I get some people still trying to find out why I left, and they don't realise they aren't as subtle as they think. I simply say "I had reasons, and won't be airing his dirty linen in public". I see people do a double take when I say that. I don't say anything specific, but they get the message that he wasn't the victim he claimed to be (accusing me of an affair for example).

Keep posting here, meanwhile, hopefully we'll get to the stage where we're posting inane rubbish and your friend's lack of empathy will not feel so hurtful

Despite the trauma bonding thing, you are still grieving the end of the relationship and your life has changed quite suddenly from having someone in it who was probably always on your mind for the wrong reasons to them not being there - it will take a wee while for your head to get used to your new situation.

I used to long for a bit of peace and some time to myself

Me too and I couldn't understand why I felt so bad but eventually I did start to feel the relief. That relief hasn't left me yet, every day is still a celebration in my little world

You just have to take each day, even hour, as it comes. You really will get through this. Just don't, whatever you do, contact him, that would set you back and make it harder in the long run.

Glad your GP was good, doesn't do any harm to have the abuse on record with her. Is the helpline Women's Aid?

Oh wow, Turquoise. Can I ask how you feel about him dying, if it's not too personal a question? When mine was back for some of his stuff he was crying and actually put the back of his hand to his forehead and exclaimed "It would have been better for everyone if I'd died!" and it got me to wondering how I would feel if he did. I think I'd feel relief, even now, but you just never know. Don't answer if you don't want to. But well done on how you handled everything else

@doversoul yes it is Womans Aid and I will keep talking to them.

I was out picking up my prescription and saw a single man I know ..my heart started pounding, I actually pretended that Ihadnt recognised him at first...all flashback to what Ex would have said if he'd been there.I would have been in for a night of interrogation about how I must have secretly arranged to meet him, how had I done it etc etc. I stopped to talk to him and his daughter for a minute,and all the time I was looking around fearfully. I couldnt help it.

That should tell me something shouldn't it.

@TurquoiseDragon you sound
like you had been put through a lot by this man, and had managed to detach from him successfully, that must have been really hard, you are very strong.

@Doversoul "having someone in it who was probably always on your mind for the wrong reasons"

100% correct. No idea what I will even think about and focus on now!!!

@meanwhilebacktobasics and @DoverSoul

I left him just over 3 years ago, after 30 years together. I'm sad, in a distant way, that he died, wouldn't wish it on anyone. But he didn't suffer.

I'd managed to detach pretty well. Although, it was so hard in the early days, but I focussed on our DC, who were also beginning to suffer and understand his abuse.

I ended up being the one to arrange the funeral on DCs behalf as they are NOK (they are 17 and 20) as they didn't have any idea where to begin. You couldn't make it up.

@meanwhilebacktobasics each day will take you a step towards healing. It takes time, but one day you'll look back and realise how far you've come. That moment for me was when I was told about ex's death and realised I felt sad but not devastated. He was already "somebody I used to know".

Turquiose you've handled it so well, you are an inspiration.

meanwhile there will come a day when you will bump into someone and not give the ex another thought. You'll be able to concentrate on what you and the person are talking about and a few hours later you'll remember how it used to be and realise how far you've come.

It's hard to move forward just now because of lockdown but try thinking about how you want things to be, re-arrange your furniture, paint your walls the colour you want them. Making plans, however small, to make my life mine again helped me move forward. It took a while and I still find I'm spending time thinking about him and everything he did to me but I find it easier to switch back to the nicer things now and I don't react so badly.

I couldn't have done without WA, they were amazing, and I didn't even think I warranted their help, it was my solicitor who recommended them.

I'm another one who spent 20+ years and had DC with one of these. It was quite weird to see a scenario in the Lundy Bancroft book referred to earlier in the thread which was exactly what he would have done: the one where the guy saw his partner get out of the lift at the same time as a man. Well obviously they must have been "at it" - with their clothes on, in a lift, between floors of a busy office building, while expecting to meet her husband at the bottom. Bancroft got his client to admit that he didn't really believe it, but with XH I could never be sure what he believed, as he isn't always very well connected to Planet Earth. He was obsessed with my racy past too, the ludicrous bit being that I hadn't even had one and wouldn't have been ashamed of it if I had.

The point is, of course, that it doesn't matter any more what he believes or says or whatever. He is no longer my problem, and if I want to have a laugh with male colleagues or smile at customers or wear the top button of my shirt undone, or for that matter shag the Brigade of Guards, I bloody well will. (I've done the first three. Can't really be bothered with the fourth at my time of life.)

And the second point is that I spent 25 years with this man, believing that if I just moderated my behaviour, and had children, and got fat, and didn't wear make-up, and was totally honest about everything, he would eventually learn to trust me. But he didn't. They don't, because they don't want to. Bancroft has this covered too. Read it!

I advise look up Caroline strawsons podcasts

@Stonecrop I have linked into those and will watch tonight,thank you.

@DoverSoul I can actually see small chunks of light through the despair, I managed to eat something yesterday and called at a shop today, actually feel proud of myself. I'm going to try and go through my house tidying and sorting ,hopefully it will be therapeutic.

@Anniegetyourgun I have downloaded Lundy Bancrofts book,thank you. So accurate about the fact that these man do not care if you bend over backwards trying not to trigger them it's never enough, you get berated for breaking their rules ( that you never knew existed). I didnt wear makeup or fancy clothes, but was still suspected of flirting and using my sexuality to attract men ( anything from 18 to 80).
And again,same with my past...I hardly have one considering how old I am, but I'd shared so much stuff that he had ammunition to fling out in any arguement. His past and the fact that I wasnt interested init just proved to him that " I knew how much he lived me, that's why I had no need to fear.My behaviour on the other hand was supposedly so covert and suspicious that " anything was possible with me "and that's why he was like he was. If only I showed him properly how I loved him, he would have no need to behave that way....all my fault of course..

Hello OP, just dropping in to say I hope that you are doing OK. You have done so well to make the move to end the relationship and block him. It will take a while for the panicky feelings to go, but they will just get less with time. And you will start realising that you are free to do what you choose. I regret how much time I spent with a previous partner, and I am very happy for you that you got out when you did. As you know, NONE of it is your fault. It is all on him. And if he's unhappy about the relationship ending, he's only got himself to blame. Be kind to yourself, just rest if you need to. take care xx

I can actually see small chunks of light through the despair, I managed to eat something yesterday and called at a shop today, actually feel proud of myself. I'm going to try and go through my house tidying and sorting ,hopefully it will be therapeutic.

Good work! You are rocking this already

Mine didn't want to know anything at all about any previous boyfriends - I think because they would have made him feel even more weak inside (although you'd never know that's how he was from the outside). Over the years I did tell him about various episodes of misogynistic and unwanted episodes from before I met him. Again when he was leaving, he complained that I hadn't told him anymore about those and why was I being so secretive. I stopped telling him things like that because when I mentioned one of them he said "Why did these things happen to you?". He simply would not accept that other women had experienced the same if not worse.

If only I showed him properly how I loved him, he would have no need to behave that way....all my fault of course..

Of course it was!

When I was in the throes of guilt and worry about ending my marriage, a friend directed me to the Relationships board and I had an amazing revelation. I had assumed our troubles were unique to us, but not only did I find a whole bunch of women with similar experiences, but their abusive partners seemed to be working from a startlingly similar script - sometimes using the actual same phrases. I am half convinced there is an Abusers' Handbook that teaches these control techniques. Of course XH hadn't read it properly so he got it confused sometimes...

@Anniegetyourgun totally true, it is really wierd that they all seem to be hard wired the same way.

I've been feeling so guilty about my part in all of this, I've said some awful things back, but I came across articles about " reactive abuse" which explains why people who are on the receiving end of constant harassment and torment do snap eventually and act out of character. This is exactly what has happened. He used to say I was as bad as him and that I was the abuser, I had let him stay ( rent free!!) in my house just so that I could maliciously take advantage,belittle and abuse him!!

My goodness @meanwhilebacktobasics. What an awful lot of anger, manipulation and fear this man has brought into your life. And how strong you have been in the last three years - even if you don't believe it. I know things are incredibly hard for you right now but remember - you are still standing. Still fighting back. Some people don't manage to get out of a relationship at all until they are a husk of their previous selves

Getting help and advice from Women's Aid and now here in MN from other Lionesses who have also been strong and put their own mental health and that of their children ahead of someone who was trying to destroy them.

I hope your IT department manage to sort out the access this creature currently still can have with you and, remember that, if needed, you still have recourse to the law against him harassing you. Filter his family out of your life, together with whoever else puts pressure on you to return to the previous relationship or who are generally unsupportive if you.

I am sure that, once this toxicity is out of your life there will be more positive interactions in life for you and your child.

Stay strong my dear. 🌹

Then I nearly married someone else. He said one sentence. Things will change when we marry. I legged it. Never lived with a man since.

Wow @lydia2021. That sounds so scary. Thank goodness he slipped up and showed you how your life would be controlled once you were married! Lucky escape and how wise of you to recognise this and run. 🌹

I have massive guilt feelings starting now. I have this huge urge to try and " fix" it, even though I know I cant. I just keep thinking of him left with nothing now, I was literally the only thing he had. Plus there is a very significant event date coming up ( think anniversary/ big birthday) and I am honestly afraid of what might happen. In previous conversations prior to me going no contact, he did threaten to hurt himself. My anxiety is through the roof.

He has trained you well. - He is unlikely to hurt himself as he is too selfish but any threats to do so, ring 101 to get a welfare check. Have you changed the locks yet? And seriously consider disussing his harassment with the police as well.
Please get your work IT team to block him ASAP.