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Original poster

Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

234 replies

Elsaandana · 23/02/2021 19:02

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

OP posts:
CookieClub · 25/02/2021 17:05

@SoulofanAggron

The OP is looking to us - a bunch of internet strangers - to validate her feelings. What I'm saying, is that how she feels is how she feels..and completely bloody valid.

@CookieClub I suppose so. She knows that what her DH did was atrocious. She can't move past it and she asks us whether it's something we could move past.

You said that OP's issue she needed counseling for was mainly the fear of losing one of her DC, as you claimed it was irrational so she clearly needed help.

But her main issue is what her husband did/said and as you say, she isn't irrational to be upset by that.

Absolutely not, she can't help how she feels. She can help whether she lets it consume her, or gets help to move past it though.

And I didn't mean irrational as such, regarding the vasectomy/kids passing away, I mean like..it seems to be another rung to the ladder because she should deal with the other emotions first...but I do think they're all interlinked with regard to anxiety/betrayal and hurt.

Totally valid, and yes counselling should help.

itsgoodtobehome · 25/02/2021 17:47

It seems to me that you didn't take your DH seriously when he said he didn't want any more children after the second one. You got away with a third one, but he drew the line at the fourth. Everyone on here is saying how awful the DH is, but the OP basically ignored her DH's viewpoint and carried on getting pregnant regardless. Imagine if a man did this to a woman. It would be called abusive on here no doubt. No wonder his reaction to the fourth was so extreme.

allsayingthesamething · 25/02/2021 18:01

You got away with a third one, but he drew the line at the fourth

So it's fine for him to use abortion as a form of male contraception, is it?

Katrinawaves · 25/02/2021 18:21

It’s fine for him to say if you go ahead with this fourth baby it’s on your own because I don’t want another and will leave you if you do, yes. Particularly when he’d already had one surprise pregnancy imposed on him and accepted it against his wishes.

RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 18:23

@SirVixofVixHall I can see where you're coming from with the abortion but everything in life cannot solely be on the man. Women need to take some responsibility as well apart from just men.

allsayingthesamething · 25/02/2021 18:37

Particularly when he’d already had one surprise pregnancy imposed on him and accepted it against his wishes.

It's not possible to have a baby imposed on you against your wishes unless you don't know how they're made.

Even if she had lied about contraception, which she didn't, we all know the risks, male or female.

cherrybunx0 · 25/02/2021 18:38

It's not really against his wishes, if he chose to have unprotected sex though is it...

Presumably, most adults know how babies are made.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 18:46

@itsgoodtobehome

It seems to me that you didn't take your DH seriously when he said he didn't want any more children after the second one. You got away with a third one, but he drew the line at the fourth. Everyone on here is saying how awful the DH is, but the OP basically ignored her DH's viewpoint and carried on getting pregnant regardless. Imagine if a man did this to a woman. It would be called abusive on here no doubt. No wonder his reaction to the fourth was so extreme.
He had unprotected sex with her, knowing she'd like a fourth child (he also dud if knowing she wanted a third child).

The h ignored op's viewpoint, and then he trampled all over it with heavy duty boots by coercing he'd into an abortion, and threatening to leave her and break up.their family as it is.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 18:48

carried on getting pregnant regardless

Lmao.

What, on her own? Did she steal.hus sperm from a condom and turkey baste herself.

She didn't even lie about or be flaky with contraception; he knew they were using nothing.

Who needs misogynist men when a woman ; apparently - can come out with statements as ridiculous as that one.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 18:55

@Katrinawaves

It’s fine for him to say if you go ahead with this fourth baby it’s on your own because I don’t want another and will leave you if you do, yes. Particularly when he’d already had one surprise pregnancy imposed on him and accepted it against his wishes.
No it's not.

He knowingly had unprotected sex.

He took the risk op would get pregnant.

He knew she wouldn't want to.gsve an abortion.

He coerced her into an.abortion in quite a spectacularly cruel way - threatening the kids of their marriage, and family in its current form.

It's not in the realm of fine, it's irresponsible and immoral.

And his behaviour about the third pregnancy was also.

In what world is it fine to say to your wife and mother of your kids, having knowingly had unprotected sex with her and impregnated her, "have an abortion or I'll leave you, and make you a single mum honour kids".

Disgusting excuse for a man.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 18:57
  • the loss of their marriage.

I'd think very poorly of a man who knowingky having unprotected sex with a ONS and coercing her into an abortion; let alone a married man of his wife & mother of his kids.

RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 18:59

@gaijinetal

carried on getting pregnant regardless

Lmao.

What, on her own? Did she steal.hus sperm from a condom and turkey baste herself.

She didn't even lie about or be flaky with contraception; he knew they were using nothing.

Who needs misogynist men when a woman ; apparently - can come out with statements as ridiculous as that one.

It's not misognystic though.

She knew he didn't want a baby and carried on.

He knew she did and carried on.

Neither is more to blame than the other at this stage (the forced abortion is a separate thing).

moanieleminx · 25/02/2021 20:27

What @RootyT00t said.

Neither party is innocent. Both parties knew they were having unprotected sex, both parties knew that the husband did not want another child.

Both parties are culpable.
Although, the woman is the one who bears the consequence for sex. Which is why she needs to find her voice and take charge. It's called sense of care.

I don't deny OP is struggling, I would hate to be in her position. That said, I find the 'but I was willing to have the baby' response selfish and unacceptable. But I also find the unprotected sex given the circumstances, unacceptable.

I struggle to comprehend how a married adult couple can fail to listen to each other, carry on bonking, unprotected, and then be shocked that this happened.

Pessismistic · 25/02/2021 20:27

Oh op I feel for you. You asked one simple question about could you forgive a forced abortion and all sorts of weirdos go on about contraception who was to blame blah blah. Only you can decide f you can move on and forgive everyone is different. Please ignore stupid comments that don't even relate to your original post. Good luck with your future.

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/02/2021 20:29

@Katrinawaves

It’s fine for him to say if you go ahead with this fourth baby it’s on your own because I don’t want another and will leave you if you do, yes. Particularly when he’d already had one surprise pregnancy imposed on him and accepted it against his wishes.
Imposed on him??? He had sex with her!!
Original poster
Elsaandana · 25/02/2021 20:35

@Pessismistic

Oh op I feel for you. You asked one simple question about could you forgive a forced abortion and all sorts of weirdos go on about contraception who was to blame blah blah. Only you can decide f you can move on and forgive everyone is different. Please ignore stupid comments that don't even relate to your original post. Good luck with your future.
Aaahhhh thank you for this! 💕!! I know it’s all related but yea this thread has massively deviated from what I asked!!!
OP posts:
gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 20:38

It's not misognystic though.

Carried on getting pregnant regardless is misogynist ; because it puts responsibility on a woman for "getting pregnant"; not a man and woman equally for conceiving a child.

Original poster
Elsaandana · 25/02/2021 20:55

Some of these comments what the fuck!! 🤣

@Katrinawaves Dont make me laugh !!! Surprise pregnancy? Him telling me he was open to having more kids & then having unprotected sex after I told him I had come off the pill, do you understand the meaning of surprise 🤔

@itsgoodtobehome whats your defintion of being "serious" about not wanting any more?? Making a few flippant comments & Jokes & and taking no precautions & hoping for the best? Give over!!

For the hundreth time I have said I was reckless and made a life changing mistake

Believe it or not when you feel like you were pressured into making a decision if you keep a baby or not sex is pretty low down on your list of priorities afterwards

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 21:02

@gaijinetal

It's not misognystic though.

Carried on getting pregnant regardless is misogynist ; because it puts responsibility on a woman for "getting pregnant"; not a man and woman equally for conceiving a child.

But the majority of posts have blamed him and him alone.
RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 21:03

@Pessismistic

Oh op I feel for you. You asked one simple question about could you forgive a forced abortion and all sorts of weirdos go on about contraception who was to blame blah blah. Only you can decide f you can move on and forgive everyone is different. Please ignore stupid comments that don't even relate to your original post. Good luck with your future.
Nice.

🙄

SoulofanAggron · 25/02/2021 21:28

But the majority of posts have blamed him and him alone.

@RootyT00t They really haven't. Lots of people have been pretty nasty to the OP.

itsgoodtobehome · 25/02/2021 21:40

Neither person in this relationship has listened to the other and it has ended up with tragic consequences. I can't really see any way forward for them. Each of them thinks they are right and appear unable to communicate.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 21:51

But the majority of posts have blamed him and him alone.

You must be reading a different thread.

But that's a different subject from what I responded to, and what you challenged and said is not misogynistic.

Which was "you carried on getting pregnant" ... Which focuses entirely on the woman in terms of responsibility for conception, and thus is misogynistic.

RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 21:53

@gaijinetal

But the majority of posts have blamed him and him alone.

You must be reading a different thread.

But that's a different subject from what I responded to, and what you challenged and said is not misogynistic.

Which was "you carried on getting pregnant" ... Which focuses entirely on the woman in terms of responsibility for conception, and thus is misogynistic.

It's not.

They both played their part.

gaijinetal · 25/02/2021 21:55

@itsgoodtobehome

Neither person in this relationship has listened to the other and it has ended up with tragic consequences. I can't really see any way forward for them. Each of them thinks they are right and appear unable to communicate.
Neither listened to each other but op didnt coerce her h into conceiving a child (he knowingly took the risk) ... Her h dud however coerce her into ending the pregnancy.

It's obvious who things are tragic for; and it's not him.