Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

[Elsaandana]

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

What more responsibilty do you want me to take ?

It's not for anyone else to tell you what to do, but you might consider a properly adult conversation around what you're going to do about contraception in future

Unless, as said, you're hoping it'll happen again and he'll take a different view next time

He can't realy live you to even suggest ending your marrage if you didn't get an abortion. How could he make the woman he love go through such a traumatic thing. If he realy loved you you and him would have made it through even if it wasn't the best time to have a baby ect.

Ive taken all the opinions on board supportive or harsh

Does anyone actually think I would let it happen again? , not a cat in hells chance , i still havent sorted contraception because the only option now is a vasectomy and until that is set up in place then if it means abstinence for the time being then so be it

Hes extremley hard working & a great dad, just an emotionally shit husband unfortunately so its weather I can move on from this

@elsaadana yes I'm still here and being young and niave back then I didn't realise I was putting his happiness before my own. I was just thinking he's not taking my dc. I will live with my regret for ever but I have one healthy dc and I put his happiness over my own every day. There is no point worrying about the ifs and buts i cannot change things but you do what's best for family . Just don't ever put yourself in the same shoes because even if you did and had a 4th child long down the line it won't take the pain away.

Why is vasectomy the only contraception? Just to be bloody minded and make him pay?

You were previously using hormonal contraception successfully so why not again? Or a coil or condoms if hormonal is no longer your thing.

You seem to have a real block about discussing your fertility choices with your husband. Why not sit down with him and make a plan? Which may include some transitional contraception on your part whilst he organised the snip and waits for confirmation that it has worked correctly.

Why can’t he use condoms? Even in the meantime

@Katrinawaves

Why is vasectomy the only contraception? Just to be bloody minded and make him pay?

You were previously using hormonal contraception successfully so why not again? Or a coil or condoms if hormonal is no longer your thing.

You seem to have a real block about discussing your fertility choices with your husband. Why not sit down with him and make a plan? Which may include some transitional contraception on your part whilst he organised the snip and waits for confirmation that it has worked correctly.

Not to be bloody minded & make him pay , he's happy to have one

It needs to be something permanant & thats the scary part , ive already said I have a fear irrational or not of something happening to my existing children because that the only reason I could ever see myself having another one

It might not seem logical but abortion fucks with your mind

Does anyone actually think I would let it happen again?

On the basis of what you've said, certainly - after all it's already happened twice, though granted your OH came around with the third child

And sorry, but the concept of "vasectomy or nothing" is hard to grasp. If you no longer want to take hormones what's wrong with a suitable type of coil, a diaphragm ... or even him using condoms?

@YNK

I'm really sorry that you have been subjected to this cruelty OP.

IMHE, once he knows an ultimatum gets him what he wants it won't stop there.

I faced ultimatum after ultimatum, even when I told my ex I would respect his decision to go and would support him to do so, eventually it took a year of reminding him his choice was made and he needed to get on with it, rebuild his life and stop punishing me and the children.
He then claimed he couldn't leave because I would not survive, even though I was not surviving the daily ultimatums.
After I insisted he leave he told me he would destroy me by making sure I had no family and no friends - this is the one promise he made good on!

I'm now estranged from my adult children which he promised he would do. He kept on telling them the marriage ended because of my bad behaviour - some of the stories he tells people about me are outrageous even 20y later.

wow Im sorry ynk thats truly shocking , its hard to believe any mother or father would keep a parent away from a child by brainwashing them , I hope at some point you can reuinte with your children 💐

I’d have thought something long lasting which you can’t be accused of tampering with would be a better choice than vasectomy if you are mentally struggling with the permanence aspect.

A coil or an implant perhaps with an agreement with him that if they fail, given how rare that is, chips lie where they fall. If you have them removed without telling him, all bets off but a divorce would seem likely.

@Katrinawaves

I’d have thought something long lasting which you can’t be accused of tampering with would be a better choice than vasectomy if you are mentally struggling with the permanence aspect.

A coil or an implant perhaps with an agreement with him that if they fail, given how rare that is, chips lie where they fall. If you have them removed without telling him, all bets off but a divorce would seem likely.

I've got this exact agreement with DH, except in reverse- I don't want any more kids but he'd be thrilled with a third. I'm using a coil and told him if we accidentally conceive that I get to name it and then he gets the snip.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Does anyone actually think I would let it happen again?

On the basis of what you've said, certainly - after all it's already happened twice, though granted your OH came around with the third child

And sorry, but the concept of "vasectomy or nothing" is hard to grasp. If you no longer want to take hormones what's wrong with a suitable type of coil, a diaphragm ... or even him using condoms?

How has it happened TWICE ? If you read all of my posts you will see he had said he wanted more children just not straight away & then proceeded to have unprotected sex knowing i came off the pill , he wasnt happy but abortion wasnt mentioned , no threating to leave it was a completly different situation

yes contraception should have been seriously talked about but its as if your saying after all this I would risk getting pregnant again in same circumstances

It will NEVER happen again , its called saying No

Do i give a shit if he doesnt get sex for a while ? Absoloutely not

Tbh I wouldn't want 4 kids. 2 is hard enough

Maybe discuss with him about a vasectomy. I was sterilised at 25 as I don't want anymore kids. Husbans wouldn't be done as he couldn't say he didn't. If we split up I def don't want kids. Hope your OK xx

You sound very unhappy, I think that you would benefit from some breathing space and time to think. Your relationship has probably reached the end of the road because you will never forget.
It was very cruel of him.

Have you threatened to divorce him for not having a vasectomy? If not why not?

I’m more fucking concerned about the baby than either you or your husband, to be honest, that’s the life you were playing with

And no I haven’t had a termination but we tried for years for another baby, unsuccessfully. To see you play around with a baby’s life like you both did, that really upsets me

This is an absolutely shocking post. You are suggesting that because of your struggles, then no-one should have an abortion. When do you deem an abortion to be the right choice? You really should stay off posts that will have you projecting your struggles all over it.

I mean, if you are struggling to conceive it is hard to get your head round the idea of those who are willingly having unprotected sex, being lucky enough to conceive and then admitting that they are still not using contraception (even if you are claiming you've only had sex once in a year, apparently with a condom).

Although saying that, I don't agree with the emotive language used at all. It is very anti-abortion, and I think there are ways to get your point across without allowing your own feelings or views getting in the way of making a valid point/expressing an opinion.

I had the same situation with my now ex-husband.

In retrospect, he couldn't handle any kind of responsibility and literally could not cope with the idea of a child (it would have been our first). His terror distorted everything, e.g. thinking I'd deliberately got pregnant just to ruin his life.

I understood his feelings, but eventually realized that what hurt was him not particularly caring about mine. I eventually left, and have a much, much, MUCH happier life now.

@Cottoncandy01

I mean, if you are struggling to conceive it is hard to get your head round the idea of those who are willingly having unprotected sex, being lucky enough to conceive and then admitting that they are still not using contraception (even if you are claiming you've only had sex once in a year, apparently with a condom).

Although saying that, I don't agree with the emotive language used at all. It is very anti-abortion, and I think there are ways to get your point across without allowing your own feelings or views getting in the way of making a valid point/expressing an opinion.

I dont know why you are so obsessed with the contraception part ?

The post was originally to say could you forgive for that ....

Yes it would probaby be very hard for someone struggling to concieve , the post did say trigger warning so prehaps not read the thread!

Theres no apparantly about it YES with a condom! If I choose my responsibility to abstain whilst making a decison about contraception then that still is a valid RESPONSIBILITY

Bloody hell i'd hate to see what some of you would say on the pregnancy choices board 🙈

Do i give a shit if he doesnt get sex for a while ? Absoloutely not

THIS speaks volumes to me. If 'HE doesn't get sex' not we/I , but he.

Personally, I think get a coil or implant fitted, something long term. Ensure he also wears a barrier method too, get him on the list for a vasectomy.
In the meantime I think you should focus on your counselling. It's certainly not normal to not be able to live in the present because of a potential imaginary catastrophe further down the line. Ie. no vasectomy now in case all your children had an accident and you want another baby in the future.

I think you need to have further counselling around that. Around attachment and letting go.

Having a coil fitted will buy you some time mentally, too. It'll give you time to have something more reliable in place, whilst you have some breathing space to deal with the emotions around grieving not having a 4th child.

I do get where you are coming from. I always wanted 4. After 3, I still couldn't imagine not having a 4th even though practically, financially and mentally I knew we shouldn't.
I somehow fell pregnant, despite using contraception and only having sex once that month and I miscarried. It was horrible and upsetting...but I also struggled with my emotions because I felt relieved that I hadn't had to have a baby that I wasn't happy about.....I had therapy years later and all this came out. But it did cement the realisation that I didn't want a 4th and I had a coil fitted..because I still struggled with the thought of the finality of a vasectomy. Well years later, I'm over that, I am definitely done having babies.
I do think about my 4th little star, especially when the 'would be EDD' comes around. But I am at peace with it all now.

You sound very unhappy. Just get a coil, buy yourself some time, deal with your emotions and try and work out if you relationship can get over this. Good luck xx

It's certainly not normal to not be able to live in the present because of a potential imaginary catastrophe further down the line. Ie. no vasectomy now in case all your children had an accident and you want another baby in the future.

@CookieClub As the OP references in her original post and what it is mainly about, is feeling made to have the abortion and that she understandable finds it hard to forgive her husband for it.

Fear of losing one of her children is 'just' the reason she doesn't like the idea of a vasectomy. Some people think it's entirely reversible but it's often not, which is why it's usually not available on the NHS.

@Elsaandana I don't know if you replied to previous posters asking why you feel other contraception than condoms is not an option? It doesn't have to be hormonal- I had a hormone free one, which was great.

But I can understand you not wanting to use contraceeption really. Do you think it's like a bit of a power struggle with your husband- you want to have a baby, you resent his actions, so you don't want to use contraception for the consequence-free sex he wants to have? If I'm not being incomprehensible.

I can completely empathize with all you're saying, even though I've never had children and had two miscarriages.

I suppose another thing I was thinking is how did you feel at the time when you had sex without contraception ? Is it something you wholeheartedly wanted to do?

If not, it's sexual coercion.

Totally agree with you @SoulofanAggron.

But I think the majority of posters are picking up on that there are potentially bigger issues here.

The OP is looking to us - a bunch of internet strangers - to validate her feelings. What I'm saying, is that how she feels is how she feels..and completely bloody valid.

The only way to move forward is with counselling/a therapist. Husband was an emotionally selfish, unsupportive dickhead, yes. Is that hard to comprehend for the OP, yes. Did she know he didn't want another baby, yes. Did she also not use contraception and risk pregnancy...yes.

Not saying not valid. All valid, all horrible. Sometimes we experience emotions we don't expect. Some things cause trauma, when we expect to be able to brush them aside easily.
But is it worth loosing her marriage for....well only OP can decide that. And personally, I think she'd only be in the best place to make that decision ONCE she's access counselling - it should empower her to feel confident in her decisions, validate her feelings and not need the guidance of internet strangers to make her life decisions,

This is why I'm saying OP should take some responsibility for herself and her future - be it contraception, healing/therapy, divorce or separation.

@Lachimolala

He keeps ejaculating inside you and blaming you for biology

Exactly this. Sex makes babies, sex he is willingly having whilst knowing neither of you are using some form of contraception.

That’s like ordering a burger and being surprised you get a delivered a burger.

Struggling to see how people (and him) are suggesting you’ve trapped/tricked him into pregnancy, when quite clearly he could take matters into his own hands if he felt that strongly.

This may sound harsh but any man who bullied and coerced me into an unwanted termination by threat of divorce would be a ex-husband in the blink of an eye. Frankly I think he’s vile.

This.

I am hugely pro choice for the population but for myself it would be a no.

For my husband to have done what your husband did, our marriage would be over and done.

I think he is absolutely despicable and utter scum.

You poor, poor woman to have been in this situation.

Please do everything you can to help yourself and as for that piece of shit on your shoe, I wouldn't be concentrating on trying to get over your totally justifiable anger.

I really hope you have support from family and friends.

To be coerced into an abortion is just horrendous.

The OP is looking to us - a bunch of internet strangers - to validate her feelings. What I'm saying, is that how she feels is how she feels..and completely bloody valid.

@CookieClub I suppose so. She knows that what her DH did was atrocious. She can't move past it and she asks us whether it's something we could move past.

You said that OP's issue she needed counseling for was mainly the fear of losing one of her DC, as you claimed it was irrational so she clearly needed help.

But her main issue is what her husband did/said and as you say, she isn't irrational to be upset by that.