Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

[Elsaandana]

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

@gaijinetal

I wonder would he really have left you if you'd continued the pregnancy..what was he going to say if you told people the truth and said that was why he'd left? He'd have looked like an utter c*nt. Was he going to try to lie/deny if you told people why he'd left?!

No doubt he made your life so miserable, you envisioned more of the same, with a new born (and you'd existing kids to boot) and couldn't face it; even if you thought he'd stay.

I think I remember your thread about it at the time, if you're the same person.

He actually admitted afterwards he probably never would have left that was a stab in the heart for sure

It sounds like a very sad situation OP, and I am so sorry you went through that.

If your husband definitely didn’t want any more it is a pity he didn’t go have the snip.

You don’t explain too much about your husband’s reasoning, but I can imagine someone taking a position that another baby would add so much pressure to family life that it would have a significantly detrimental effect on your existing 3 children and a termination was the best solution to a hard situation. It is grim to threaten someone like that though.

It sounds like you should have counselling together. Would he agree to that?

you knew he didn’t want a fourth child but got pregnant anyway

The only way this is true is if op knowingly intentionally dud not use contraception when her h thought she was.

Very sad situation. He should have taken more responsibility to use reliable contraception and maybe you should have stopped having sex until he did.
Why were you so fixated on having 4 kids?

The fact that he had unprotected sex with you and knew you wants another is wrong.

If my DH used divorce as a threat that would be it. I can really see why you can’t forgive him, it’s unforgivable to say that when he made no effort to not get you pregnant.

I had an abotortion because mine and my husband's communication was poor on the sunject. He didn't want one, but had taken very little responsibility for contraception, and I felt that he had not been very clear about definitely not having another. He made his feelings very clear that he didn't want another after we discovered I was pregnant though, but didn't threaten divorce if I went ahead with the pregnancy. I felt I couldn't have a baby with someone who didn't want one, so it was something I agreed to. But I have felt down since. A dark cloud hanging over things. And a bit betrayed, as you've said, because the man I love and is my family willingly let me feel that miserable.

I cannot fathom how you must feel after being coerced into that position though. It's horrible. Not equal at all.

I think it's sad in both parts. Men have very little option in terms of unwanted pregnancies, and rightly so it's the woman's body. HOWEVER they end up feeling very out of control and saying things they don't mean.

If he didn't want a forth, he should have used contraception. But so should you given you knew that.

I don't think anyone is right or wrong here, it's a hard situation for both parties. I hope you can patch up your marriage and get the trust back.

OP what do you mean by circumstances were not ideal? If you were struggling to stay afloat and put a roof over the heads of the children you have, I could see his point, or if you have high needs children, or the pregnancies have put you at increased risk or there was a very serious complication with birth etc.
I think this is quite different to life with kids is quite hard. To be fair four does have a big impact like not fitting in the family car so may have more financial implications than three but how much of an obstacle this would be depends on your circumstances.
Basically, did he have a valid point that another child might mean life is more difficult (in a much more serious way than just the having a small baby pressure) for your other children

I’m not saying this is the case but from your husbands point of view you have tricked him into a pregnancy twice now. If I’m reading your update correctly you were miss-using your contraception? Which if you had both discussed not having more children he would have no reason to believe you wouldn’t be taking it. It probably felt like a huge betrayal of his trust. Of course if he wanted to be sure he should have used condoms but given you are married and had discussed children he put his trust in you to be reliable with your contraception and you weren’t.

It is not your DHs fault you decided to have a termination he didn’t force you.

Get tha fk outta here, he coerced her.

Sorry trying to read through all the posts & comment to each person on one post but not sure how!!

Thank you SO much to everyone who replied 💗I didn't know if anyone would it's certainly a very lonely place to be in

A few answers to some of the questions

Luckily I've been having weekly counselling for over a year which in truth is probably the only thing that has saved me ( apart from my kids) because I contemplated at times not being here it was all just too much

Couple counselling is 100 % on the cards but I don't want to do it virtually

I'm slightly embarrassed to say this but there still is no contraception in place ( have only had full sex once in a year ) with a condom , rest assured I will no way in hell have unprotected sex until something is sorted

He has been very remorseful because he didn't realise how badly I would be affected post abortion, but still he has got away with it Scot free if you like & I feel actual betrayal like how could you treat me like that I could understand if I purposely trapped him or something

So sorry OP. No. I don't think I could forgive this

Men have very little option in terms of unwanted pregnancies

They gave three solid options - vasectomy, condoms and abstinence (or at the very least alternative sexual acts).

Vasectomy, even reversible as it is, may not be an option for some men but certainly is in cases like this where he had several children and does not want more.

Not to mention that they can clearly, specifically and unequivocally communicate on whether they would want a child/another child.

In what way was your choice of contraception "reckless", OP, and more to the point was he aware there was a significant risk of pregnancy?

Within an established relationship - especially when this also happened with your third child - my own view would depend on what each party knew

@gaijinetal

It is not your DHs fault you decided to have a termination he didn’t force you.

Get tha fk outta here, he coerced her.

Tbf, he very clearly laid down how he felt. And why shouldn't he? If he genuinely did not want another child and felt he had been 'tricked' into one (pure speculation there) then I can understand him lashing out and not wanting to continue the relationship.

However if he was happily having unprotected sex with a woman he knew wanted another child, then acted all surprised when she fell pregnant and made that threat, he's a dick.

Ah sorry I may have misunderstood - I assumed you were on hormonal contraception but weren’t taking it but now she’s you weren’t using any. In that case he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If he doesn’t want children he needs to wear condoms or get this snip. Totally unfair to put this all on you and blame you when you (obviously!) get pregnant.

Now see*

I’m not saying this is the case but from your husbands point of view you have tricked him into a pregnancy twice now.

The third child, it's not clear.

The fourth pregnancy, op seems to be saying they both took a risk, and knew they were taking a risk. He apparently accepted that risk - until it resulted in a pregnancy.

If he absolutely did not want a forth.child he should have had the snip. I could never forgive a B who threatened me with divorce for falling pregnant when he impregnated me in first instance. I would have said, go ahead and divorce me and made him pay maintenance for 4 kids. I certainly would never have sex with a B like that again.

I'm slightly embarrassed to say this but there still is no contraception in place

Yes, but was he aware of this?
If so and he took a chance then he's got nothing to complain about ... if not, it's a rather different conversation

@Regularsizedrudy

I’m not saying this is the case but from your husbands point of view you have tricked him into a pregnancy twice now. If I’m reading your update correctly you were miss-using your contraception? Which if you had both discussed not having more children he would have no reason to believe you wouldn’t be taking it. It probably felt like a huge betrayal of his trust. Of course if he wanted to be sure he should have used condoms but given you are married and had discussed children he put his trust in you to be reliable with your contraception and you weren’t.

No he knew both times fully that I was not on any contraception I think he just hoped for the best 😩

I am so sorry to hear this op. it must be so hard reading some of these replies ( no criticism of anyone in particular just I remember the feeling when you really care about something, watching the replies roll in with your heart in your mouth).

can you speak to him about it, it takes a lot of courage I know to do this, but this is a joint problem. then yes, consider counselling either just you or together?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I'm slightly embarrassed to say this but there still is no contraception in place

Yes, but was he aware of this?
If so and he took a chance then he's got nothing to complain about ... if not, it's a rather different conversation

He knew I wasn't on any contraception yes

Are you perhaps feeling angry because you are devastated and still trying to deal with this, while he has seemingly moved on unscathed?

Are you feeling angry that he is not acknowledging your hurt?

That would make it hard to forgive, for me. If DH and I had been in that position, I would expect him to be hugely sympathetic and caring and mindful of my feelings for a long, long time afterwards. That is what I would need in order to move forward.

NRFT but it’s not clear about your contraception. If he thought you were protected then it would have been a shock to him.

Wanting a fourth child imo isn’t a dealbreaker. People can change their minds and it’s not the same as someone saying they don’t want kids at all a few years in to the relationship. That is a deal breaker and I don’t see them the same thing.

He didn’t want a 4th and you did so there’s no right or wrong answer - you both wanted different things. He should have been using a condom but most men don’t wear a condom with their wife if they think she’s on contraception.

You feel overwhelmed with loss. He feels relief as it was too much for him.

You don’t feel like him and he doesn’t feel the way you do so won’t understand the devastation you feel. So yes I could forgive him because he’d said he doesn’t want a 4th.

Only you’ll know if you done it on purpose ‘accidentally’ and if you did then that’s worse in my opinion. If you didn’t and you got caught despite contraception then it’s a tough situation for you OP but I do t thus it’s worth ending a marriage