Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

[Elsaandana]

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

@SirVixofVixHall

Could I forgive this ? No. I am sorry but I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I was coerced into ending a pregnancy with the threat of divorce.

This. He should have got the snip -and not forced a termination.

I appreciate everybody's replies including the he's a see you next Tuesday ones! Thank you for reaching out I see so many posts of people contemplating abortions but few that have unsupportive husbands/ partners

To the person who asked why I wasn't & aren't on any contraception for my 3rd child I thought we were going to split & my pill review which was the same time as my 2nd child vaccinations was cancelled so I decided to give my body a break , when we didn't split I made it VERY clear I had stopped taking the pill , 4th time I was naive as hell but then I would have kept the baby with my husbands support

And for the pair that called me reckless (well both of us )did you actually read my posts ffs I said MY RECKLESS contraception decisions will be a regret I take to my grave

Are you staying with him for your children's sake (and his, for his relationship with them), rather than for the relationship between the two of you?

Do you think you can live like that, as housemate co-parents? Can he?

4th time I was naive as hell

In what way? Since he knew you weren't using contraception I've already said this is largely on him, but with 3 already it's not as if you don't know what causes it ... and yet you said there's still nothing sorted?

Unless you're secretly hoping it'll happen again and that he won't mind this time, I'd say it's time for a properly adult conversation

He keeps ejaculating inside you and blaming you for biology

Exactly this. Sex makes babies, sex he is willingly having whilst knowing neither of you are using some form of contraception.

That’s like ordering a burger and being surprised you get a delivered a burger.

Struggling to see how people (and him) are suggesting you’ve trapped/tricked him into pregnancy, when quite clearly he could take matters into his own hands if he felt that strongly.

This may sound harsh but any man who bullied and coerced me into an unwanted termination by threat of divorce would be a ex-husband in the blink of an eye. Frankly I think he’s vile.

I know its very unpleasant what he's put you through – and only you can say whether you'll ever be able to forgive him. It's too personal really for us to make recommendations.

But I have to say I have quite a lot of sympathy for the husband (though this may be unpopular given how hardline some of the other commenters are being). Having a child is such an enormous enormous thing to embark on. He'd already been so reluctant to have the third child, it came faster than he wanted, and he stuck around then. It sounds like your relationship is still in a tricky place.

If I were him, and my partner announced another surprise pregnancy, I would feel utterly exhausted by the prospect, and perhaps unable to guarantee that I would stick around. It's shit that this has happened, and yes, blah blah contraception is everyone's responsibility. But I don't really blame him for the ultimatum, if that's what he feels.

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you create a post about this at the time? I'm sure I remember it.

No, I could not forgive him. He gave you an unfair ultimatum and you are the one having to live with the emotional stress and he's got off scott free.
I would be filing for divorce.

You were going to split. So why didn't you. You could have split and not terminated. He did not hold all the cards. Don't you have to take some responsibility for your own decision.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

4th time I was naive as hell

In what way? Since he knew you weren't using contraception I've already said this is largely on him, but with 3 already it's not as if you don't know what causes it ... and yet you said there's still nothing sorted?

Unless you're secretly hoping it'll happen again and that he won't mind this time, I'd say it's time for a properly adult conversation

So it was coming up to 2 years of just withdrawal method & I guess just naivety of thinking I would sort something before anything happened After that heart to heart it was my plan to go to Gp and sort it but I wasn't quick enough & I kick myself for it

Probably going to get flamed here but right now it's to do with a vasectomy, I have this fear ( and now heightened by the feelings after the abortion) of god forbid something happening to my kids like a car crash & a vasectomy seemed so final if I did ever want another child ( only for those reasons ) but I'm leaning way more twords telling him it's that's it now just get it done ASAP

I've gone through hell now he can take responsibility

Do you think perhaps he thinks you got pregnant on purpose OP? Both the third and the 4th times?

I can see why he would think that - and some of the pp above wondered the same - especially as you’d always said you wanted a larger family. And if he thinks that it was on purpose, then I can understand him being so angry.

Even so, I don’t understand why he hadn’t gone off and got the snip, or at the very least resolved to always always use a condom, before the fourth pregnancy happened. What an idiot. And having been such an idiot he’s not really in a position to blame you is he.

I had some sympathy with your husband at first , for after all he had said he did not want a fourth child. All sympathy evaporated on reading this:

"He on the other hand was happy to have unprotected sex knowing full well he didn't want anymore & that's what kills me , I might as well have been some one night stand tracking him down to tell him I was pregnant with the way he treated me."

He knew he was having unprotected sex. He knew this had resulted in his third child. So he was effectively playing Russian Roulette; except that the gun was pointed at you .

"He actually admitted afterwards he probably never would have left that was a stab in the heart for sure"
That was beyond cruel. He should never have told you that. Is he really so so stupid that could not see how much that admission would hurt you?

"My main point was obviously could you forgive someone that willingly& happily had unprotected sex & then when their worst fears came true treated you like absolute shit"
No. I could not forgive him. I'm not even sure if I could look at him.

@Mrsmummy90

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you create a post about this at the time? I'm sure I remember it.

No, I could not forgive him. He gave you an unfair ultimatum and you are the one having to live with the emotional stress and he's got off scott free.
I would be filing for divorce.

Yea ages ago on another topic board

Think you are being a bit unreasonable. He gave you three children even though he didnt really want the third. Children are not easy as you undoubtably know. Perhaps he does not want to go through the sleepness nights and endless crying and shitty nappies all over again.

Look at this from his side.

The reasoning I could forgive. The threat of leaving and pressure to terminate I could not.

@crumpledlinens

I know its very unpleasant what he's put you through – and only you can say whether you'll ever be able to forgive him. It's too personal really for us to make recommendations.

But I have to say I have quite a lot of sympathy for the husband (though this may be unpopular given how hardline some of the other commenters are being). Having a child is such an enormous enormous thing to embark on. He'd already been so reluctant to have the third child, it came faster than he wanted, and he stuck around then. It sounds like your relationship is still in a tricky place.

If I were him, and my partner announced another surprise pregnancy, I would feel utterly exhausted by the prospect, and perhaps unable to guarantee that I would stick around. It's shit that this has happened, and yes, blah blah contraception is everyone's responsibility. But I don't really blame him for the ultimatum, if that's what he feels.

I get where your coming from , I just find it so hard to understand how someone is so adamant they don't want anymore that they never say 1 serious word about contraception?

Also an ultimatum is a form of coercion in abortion decisions many men are unaware they are doing it as so subtle I didn't know until I read up on it

whole situation is a mess OP.

I'm sorry for what you went through but this is what happens when adults dont take care of their fertility. frankly, this whole scenario is ridiculous. one or both of you needs to sort this out if you stay together to stop it ever happening again.

reckless and foolish. harsh but I'm not sure what either of you were thinking.

When I was younger I got married to a guy who already had a child. Six months into the marriage I got pregnant and I had a termination at 9 weeks. We had very much the same conversation. I was forced into it because I didn’t want to get divorced six months after I got married and admit I made a huge mistake.

I had a complete nervous breakdown over it. I never forgave him even though we then went onto have another child together.

In fact the day after the termination he went out on a stag weekend didn’t come back for 3 days.

We are now divorced he hasn’t seen either of the children (my ex step child and my child) in 8 years.

I think about it now and it still upsets me 25 years on. Take care of yourself.

@Lachimolala

He keeps ejaculating inside you and blaming you for biology

Exactly this. Sex makes babies, sex he is willingly having whilst knowing neither of you are using some form of contraception.

That’s like ordering a burger and being surprised you get a delivered a burger.

Struggling to see how people (and him) are suggesting you’ve trapped/tricked him into pregnancy, when quite clearly he could take matters into his own hands if he felt that strongly.

This may sound harsh but any man who bullied and coerced me into an unwanted termination by threat of divorce would be a ex-husband in the blink of an eye. Frankly I think he’s vile.

The burger comment would actually be quite comical if it wasn't such a shit situation 🙈!

I'm glad most people see this, as long as he got his "shag" then I can be the one to deal with the consequences

His very first words when I told him it was positive was shit sorry about that - Wtaf

@Elsaandana

I get where your coming from , I just find it so hard to understand how someone is so adamant they don't want anymore that they never say 1 serious word about contraception?

I hear you. But... you were both being reckless. You know it about yourself. He will know it about himself. It's just really bad luck. It's again forced a question that has caused such an issue in the past. I don't blame either of you. It's really hard.

Is there a reason he won’t wear condoms??

@Wellthisisafuckup

When I was younger I got married to a guy who already had a child. Six months into the marriage I got pregnant and I had a termination at 9 weeks. We had very much the same conversation. I was forced into it because I didn’t want to get divorced six months after I got married and admit I made a huge mistake.

I had a complete nervous breakdown over it. I never forgave him even though we then went onto have another child together.

In fact the day after the termination he went out on a stag weekend didn’t come back for 3 days.

We are now divorced he hasn’t seen either of the children (my ex step child and my child) in 8 years.

I think about it now and it still upsets me 25 years on. Take care of yourself.

Ahhhhh I'm so sorry to hear what you went through, what a complete bastard , I really don't think a lot of men have a clue how physically & mentally horrific an abortion is

I don't think it ever leaves you does it? I hope you are with someone decent now & you sound like a lovely person 💐

I think if you do stay, you need to make it plain that abortion is off the table should you conceive again, if that's the case.

Some men, wrongly, presume that, if you know they don't want a baby, you will take steps to prevent that baby and they'll presume that you intend to get an abortion in the event of conception. I think for clarity's sake, in all relationships in which people have sex, contraception or no, they should discuss beforehand what would happen in the event of conception. If all couples did this as a standard discussion before sex, a lot of heartache could be avoided (though not all, because sometimes people do change their minds).

@Elsaandana

I get where your coming from , I just find it so hard to understand how someone is so adamant they don't want anymore that they never say 1 serious word about contraception?

"Also an ultimatum is a form of coercion in abortion decisions many men are unaware they are doing it as so subtle I didn't know until I read up on it"

It is coercion, and really nasty. He did it thoughtlessly too (apparently) which is also a very painful aspect of this situation. How can you be so thoughtless about your wife and mother of your children?

Men need to realise that contraception is as much their responsibility as women's. If they don't want a baby, then they know what they have to use contraception.

Permanent contraception is scary, but if he doesn't want more kids that's what he needs to do.

Oh dear love you , I’m sorry to hear of the turmoil you’re going through. No
I don’t believe you should be with someone basically forced you into it, if anything it’s his fault. I would take your
Children and go. You will always feel bitter towards him and rightly so, take care and know your little baby is in Heaven

This is a really sad situation however, I’m afraid I think you were both playing with fire, you both knew that and you were both not on the same page about having more children.

If I was your third child and read this thread, I’d be devastated, regardless of how much you say you both love that child now.

And then you went on to get pregnant again! You both carry that responsibility and yet all you speak of is how you are affected. You’re playing with children’s lives and yet hope to get empathy for that.
Sorry, but I think you’re both equally in the wrong here.