Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

[Elsaandana]

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Neither person in this relationship has listened to the other and it has ended up with tragic consequences. I can't really see any way forward for them. Each of them thinks they are right and appear unable to communicate

Accurately put

It was OP herself who said "I know this sounds all very Jeremy Kyle", and it's hard to disagree with that

[pallisers]

She knew he didn't want a baby and carried on.

He knew she did and carried on.

Neither is more to blame than the other at this stage (the forced abortion is a separate thing)

how can you say neither is more to blame. The thing they "carried on" doing was sex - which results in babies. How is her having unprotected sex while wanting a baby the same as a man having unprotected sex while not wanting a baby (apart from his obvious thick stupidity). They were doing the thing that results in babies. he knew it. she knew it. She was fine with a baby. He wasn't. I'd say he was to blame for the conception he didn't want and for the abortion he coerced his wife into.

[Elsaandana]

@gaijinetal I really appreciate you see this from my prespective 💗

@pallisers nice to feel undestood 💗

@itsgoodtobehome we dont both think we are right he realises he fucked up spectacularly in his thought process but its done now he cant change it , moving past that is the issue

I should have probably never mentioned the current contraception issue as thats what so many are focusing on , if I was saying I was just hoping for the best after having a termination that would be a different story

I wonder how many babies are born to parents that arent 100 % on the same page about how many they want or with perfect marriages & perfect contraception communication , do some of you actually read mumsnet 🤦‍♀️

[SoulofanAggron]

we dont both think we are right he realises he fucked up spectacularly in his thought process

@Elsaandana Really? x

[MiddlesexGirl]

Do you still love him? Is there any vestige of respect for him?

If there is then my own view, which I'm sure will be controversial, is that the only way I could get over it would be to try again for baby 4. That would be my way of dealing with it and if DH said no then that would be the end of the relationship for me.
What I wouldn't do though is threaten DH with that. It would just be a natural consequence of the relationship difficulties a bit further down the line.

[Fabiofatshaft1]

Immovable object meets irresistible force.

Every time you look at the kids or future grandkids you’ll be angry and resentful

He will be angry and resentful at your anger and resentfulness

Best sort out your ‘ protection’ in the short term and the survivability of the relationship in the long term.

It all must surely be impacting on the kids, massively.

[Jackie2022]

When you are such a maternal person to have your baby you wanted sucked out of you & discarded is a huge physiological nightmare which comes with every emotion under the sun not to mention the physical aspect of the procedure

sounds like you should have dumped him, not the pregnancy - you wanted the baby. Don’t really see how you’ll recover from this, he admitted he pressured you into it and wouldn’t have left. Pretty manipulative

I think you need to think about whether you do want another child or if you have accepted you’ll never have another. It doesn’t have to be with him.

[REignbow]

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m aghast at some posters here, laying blame at the OP.

Her DH, knew that the OP was open to having more children. HE, knew that neither were using contraception when he they were having sex (let’s hazard a guess that it doesn’t feel the same when using condoms and anyway, contraception is for the OP to sort out ). HE knew that by having three DC already (and one being a surprise) that the likely hood at having a forth was most likely.

HE knew that his wife would suffer utter turmoil having to terminate this pregnancy, so used coercion and threats of damaging her DC by ending the marriage, to do so.

OP I couldn’t get past this. My love for him, would have ended the day of the termination.

Remember, that resentment breeds contempt.

[RootyT00t]

@REignbow

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m aghast at some posters here, laying blame at the OP.

Her DH, knew that the OP was open to having more children. HE, knew that neither were using contraception when he they were having sex (let’s hazard a guess that it doesn’t feel the same when using condoms and anyway, contraception is for the OP to sort out ). HE knew that by having three DC already (and one being a surprise) that the likely hood at having a forth was most likely.

HE knew that his wife would suffer utter turmoil having to terminate this pregnancy, so used coercion and threats of damaging her DC by ending the marriage, to do so.

OP I couldn’t get past this. My love for him, would have ended the day of the termination.

Remember, that resentment breeds contempt.

I don't blame her and I'm not negating his horrific behaviour about the abortion.

I just don't think it's solely a man's job to prevent pregnancy.