Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

[Elsaandana]

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

[Fairycake2]

My exH did something similar to me so I understand how you feel. Difference being we had agreed to start trying for our first baby so she was very much planned. I fell pregnant fairly quickly and 4 weeks later he said he didn't want it and tried to pressure me into a termination. I didn't go through with it though and he changed his mind again in the end and did want the baby but I never forgave him for what he put me through. Its one of the many reasons we are now divorced

[giantwaterbottle]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. How utterly awful!
And no I absolutely couldn't get past it. I would resent him forever and in my opinion he is not a good man for doing what he did.

[Elsaandana]

@FourPillars

This is a really sad situation however, I’m afraid I think you were both playing with fire, you both knew that and you were both not on the same page about having more children.

If I was your third child and read this thread, I’d be devastated, regardless of how much you say you both love that child now.

And then you went on to get pregnant again! You both carry that responsibility and yet all you speak of is how you are affected. You’re playing with children’s lives and yet hope to get empathy for that.
Sorry, but I think you’re both equally in the wrong here.

My 3rd child will never know but obviously of course if they read the thread they would be upset

Have you ever had an abortion before??? When you are such a maternal person to have your baby you wanted sucked out of you & discarded is a huge physiological nightmare which comes with every emotion under the sun not to mention the physical aspect of the procedure so forgive me if I'm more fucking concerned how IM affected versus my husband

[Pessismistic]

Hi I'm sorry to hear that something similar happened to me a long time ago and I've never got over it he not only threatened to leave but he was going take my 7 month dc away too. I could have taken the morning after pill if he been honest at the time but it wasn't necessary and I believed him. I cried through every stage of it and had to have dc as the pills didn't work I've had counselling and all I can say it won't get easier but remember why you did it and never let him go in unprotected ever again as the scars stay forever. my oh regretted it but it was way too late and he never apologised he also told me to move on a few days afterwards. As far as he was concerned it was done and over with. If you ask me its never over and the shame of not being able to be honest about it in rl. He said if I left he would take dc so I stayed for my dc and have had a miserable existence but I know without my dc it wouldn't have been worth living and I have to remind self I did what I did for my dc and hate my oh for this and no i will never forgive him but I certainly wouldn't let him do it again. I hope this helps.

[Rockinmomma]

Has he been at all supportive since?
It’s not just a termination is it? It’s the 12 and 20 week scan you didn’t have, finding out the sex or not, telling family and friends, planning the birth and your due date
It’s the woman who goes through all this and I think if he’s not been sensitive and understanding of your grief for missing all these things then no, I couldn’t forgive him

[Missymare]

There’s no way I could ever forgive him tbh

[CarnationCat]

I couldn't forgive my husband for backing me into a corner about this, no. Even if I'd made the decision to keep the baby and whether he decided to stay with me or still leave me, I could never look at him the same for attempting to force me to have an abortion.

Sounds like it could be the end of the road for your marriage. I'm sure you could rebuild your life and happiness without him.

[Viviennemary]

If he felt so strongly then he should have had a vasectomy but he didn't. It is what it is. You can't turn the clock back. I agree with having counselling.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

@WineInTheWillows

I think if you do stay, you need to make it plain that abortion is off the table should you conceive again, if that's the case.

Some men, wrongly, presume that, if you know they don't want a baby, you will take steps to prevent that baby and they'll presume that you intend to get an abortion in the event of conception. I think for clarity's sake, in all relationships in which people have sex, contraception or no, they should discuss beforehand what would happen in the event of conception. If all couples did this as a standard discussion before sex, a lot of heartache could be avoided (though not all, because sometimes people do change their minds).

This is so wise.

When I was younger I always knew if I got pregnant accidentally I’d terminate. So I made sure to tell the guys I was dating during that period of my life that was my belief (with the obvious caveat that I could only predict how I’d feel if it happened to an extent).

When I reached a certain age I felt if I did accidentally get pregnant I would go ahead with the pregnancy. So, again, I communicated that. Sometimes contraception fails and I wouldn’t want anyone to shag me presuming I would abort an accidental pregnancy when I knew going into it I wouldn’t.

OP and her DH were both awfully reckless (as she’s admitted), she knew he didn’t want another child and had unprotected sex anyway. He was wrong to have unprotected sex knowing he didn’t want another. The marriage sounds irreparably broken from the trauma of this, all from one silly moment of throwing caution to the wind.

[Nith]

I can't see how people make out that OP was equally in the wrong. If a man chooses to have sex with a woman he knows not be using contraception without taking any precautions himself, then he is accepting the risk that she will indeed get pregnant and he is effectively saying to her that he is OK with that. It's completely wrong morally to decide to take that risk on the basis that, if the woman does get pregnant, the man will bully her into an abortion against her will.

[pallisers]

@Nith

I can't see how people make out that OP was equally in the wrong. If a man chooses to have sex with a woman he knows not be using contraception without taking any precautions himself, then he is accepting the risk that she will indeed get pregnant and he is effectively saying to her that he is OK with that. It's completely wrong morally to decide to take that risk on the basis that, if the woman does get pregnant, the man will bully her into an abortion against her will.

I agree with this. He didn't use any contraception, knew you weren't using any, knew you wanted another child but presumed that he could bully you into an abortion if you did get pregnant. What a prince.

[PickAChew]

I don't think I could move on from it. It's not like he had no part in the whole process.

[Runnerduck34]

Im not sure I could forgive.
You made the best decision you could in difficult circumstances, so please dont blame yourself.
Him saying now he wouldn't have really left you must be a stab in the heart. He made you choose between the baby and him which is a horrible thing for a husband to do.
Individual counseling and couples counseling may help.
Has he had a vasectomy? Because if he really doesn't want any more children he needs to step up and take responsibility of his fertility.
Ultimately you both are responsible for making the baby.

[PickAChew]

@crumpledlinens

I know its very unpleasant what he's put you through – and only you can say whether you'll ever be able to forgive him. It's too personal really for us to make recommendations.

But I have to say I have quite a lot of sympathy for the husband (though this may be unpopular given how hardline some of the other commenters are being). Having a child is such an enormous enormous thing to embark on. He'd already been so reluctant to have the third child, it came faster than he wanted, and he stuck around then. It sounds like your relationship is still in a tricky place.

If I were him, and my partner announced another surprise pregnancy, I would feel utterly exhausted by the prospect, and perhaps unable to guarantee that I would stick around. It's shit that this has happened, and yes, blah blah contraception is everyone's responsibility. But I don't really blame him for the ultimatum, if that's what he feels.

If you were him and didn't want another child, wouldn't you have put a condom on it, or would you have just harassed your wife when the quite possible happened?

[SoulofanAggron]

You both carry that responsibility and yet all you speak of is how you are affected

@FourPillars OP felt she had to have an abortion of a wanted child. Her husband didn't have to do either of those things.

He possibly thought it was an unlikely coincidence that you both wanted a fourth child and “accidentally” became pregnant with one when he had stated he didn’t want to. Even if this was a genuine contraceptive failure rather than carelessness or sabotage I can understand his dismay and possibly also his mistrust of you.

@Katrinawaves there wasn't any contraceptive failure- they weren't using any and the husband knew that.
--
@Elsaandana I would think he's horrible. Now you realize what he's done- coercive control of the worst kind. I think you would be best to leave.

Are there other ways he manipulates/manipulated you into doing things you didn't want to do over the years?

[MixedUpFiles]

Why the heck are you having vaginal sex with him at all? That should be completely off the table until he gets a vasectomy.


He had no right to pressure you to terminate a pregnancy. His decision point was when he chose to have unprotected sex. That’s just the way it works. I understand wanting to work past it and I hope whatever that ends up meaning you find happiness.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

he knew both times fully that I was not on any contraception I think he just hoped for the best

This is the central point, OP. He could have used condoms, but he took the risk of making you pregnant, and did make you pregnant. He has no right to act as if you tricked him.

He needs to get a vasectomy right now. It's a much smaller operation than sterilisation for a woman. As neither of you wants to use contraception, sterilisation is essential if you want to stay with him (I wold not). Otherwise you face years of unwanted pregnancies and drama till you split up.

[Brefugee]

So many "oh poor, tricked man" here. WTF?

Think you are being a bit unreasonable. He gave you three children even though he didnt really want the third. Children are not easy as you undoubtably know. Perhaps he does not want to go through the sleepness nights and endless crying and shitty nappies all over again.

I don't take hormonal contraception and after 2 babies we decided we didn't want further children. So we used condoms carefully and properly. And didn't get pregnant. There are plenty of ways that MEN can make sure THEY don't get someone pregnant. The nuclear option of not having sex won't kill them.

Yes, as OP has admitted, she made a silly decision to have unprotected sex. But she wasn't the only one there and she is the only one with the responsibility here? i think not.

And as for the abortion decision - all of you who would have said no and kicked him out? Good for you. Not everyone can manage that.

[Silenceisgolden20]

[quote thedownpipe]@SirVixofVixHall

If he was so against a fourth child he either needed to give up sex or get a vasectomy. Sex makes babies, whatever you do some women will still get pregnant.

I did actually say in my post that he shouldn’t have had unprotected sex if he didn’t want a fourth child.

Obviously, it’s shit to threaten divorce, but the OP has clearly said she knew he wouldn’t be happy but got pregnant anyway. My point was that I felt there was fault on both sides here.[/quote]
She got pregnant anyway? Was it an immaculate conception????

[Silenceisgolden20]

What was the relationship like before OP?

[Nith]

He'd already been so reluctant to have the third child, it came faster than he wanted, and he stuck around then.

I'm bemused at this idea that he had no choice in when the third child came. Surely someone having unprotected sex knows that just "not wanting to have a child yet" isn't a way to prevent pregnancy?

If I were him, and my partner announced another surprise pregnancy, I would feel utterly exhausted by the prospect, and perhaps unable to guarantee that I would stick around

If I were him and didn't want my partner to announce another surprise pregnancy, I'd do something about ensuring it didn't happen. I certainly wouldn't assume that the answer was to pressurise her into an abortion.

[moanieleminx]

What a horrible situation.

As an adult, you need to take charge if the situation. I do not think it is fair that you are placed in charge of contraception, when you clearly desire another child. I would be open and honest about that, and tell him that he needs to take control. This removes any opportunity to say that you 'tricked' him into another pregnancy. (Which is just a vile narrative. That poor innocent man, he didn't stand a chance against that temptress. Ffs!)

If he does not want another child that badly, then he will take care of contraception. If there is to be a permanent decision made, it needs to be a joint one.

You need counseling and you need to talk.
If you are adult enough to have a sex life, bring three lives into the world and make a choice about a fourth pregnancy, you are capable of having these discussions. There is no excuse for not talking about it.

FWIW, when we had a contraception failure, DH took the pregnancy news very calmly (from a hospital blood test) while I panicked. Neither of us wanted to abort as we had a happy marriage and no valid (to us) reasons not to continue. only financial, which we did not think were reason enough and we were worried about what regret would do to our marriage.
DC4 is now 6 and an utter delight. Our marriage is still going strong. We are tired, can't afford to move for the moment but our home life is a very happy one.

And I had my tubes tied during DC4's birth to prevent any further births. As married adults, we both made that decision together and have never regretted it.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

The end.

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

Hi op I could have written your post only it would have been my third. my DH issued a very similar ultimatum based around me ruining everyone's lives. I told him the effect it would have on me but still I felt pushed.

This was 10 years ago I won't go into details as I don't want to upset anyone and if I do I fear I can't come back. Anyway I have since had 2 lots of counseling and am on high dose AD, I drink to much to block it out which I am working on again. In short it changed me forever. I have told DH that I won't ever forgive him but I have accepted what I did to start to forgive myself.

I don't have wise words it eases but I do get triggered and spiral. I will never be the same person but, I have to go on with life for my 2 gorgeous DC. If you need to pm me you can. No-one in real life knows and I dread to think what they would feel about me if they did. It is so emotive and something I did not think I would ever do. For the record I don't judge people who do just didn't think it would be me (I struggle to use the terminology as it really upsets me).