Page 4 | Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

DeciduousPerennial · 23/02/2021 20:17

He knew you weren’t using contraception so preventing pregnancy would need to be on him

He chose to risk it without contraception

Your other children were conceived under similar circumstances so he certainly knows the consequences of this choice

Despite supposedly being vehemently against any more children he took no steps himself to prevent any pregnancies

He told you if you didn’t terminate he'd divorce you

After you’d done what he wanted, seeing how hard the decision was, he then said he probably wouldn’t have left you anyway

He knew how much you wanted another child

Even now he still doesn’t seem to grasp how much this has affected you

He’s taken zero responsibility while all the impacts, choices and consequences fall on you.

No. I wouldn’t forgive him. Ever.

allsayingthesamething · 23/02/2021 20:17

It's so sad.

I think this is a massive thing to try to get over.

I don't know how I would, but everyone is different.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 23/02/2021 20:22

I don't think he was hoping for the best, he just thought it would be your problem to sort out, not his.
There would be no coming back from this for me.

Stovetopespresso · 23/02/2021 20:25

his behaviour re the termination sounds like it's not the only reason you're not getting on (which is an understatement i know). you say there have been issues in the past too.
i dont know if I could "forgive" or not, its a very back-and-white churchy word. only you know whether this is a deal breaker, the big one, or whether this is a final straw out of many many straws.
... or whether its a bump in a long road which is what a long marriage is.

Dullardmullard · 23/02/2021 20:25

@Katrinawaves

He didn’t want a third or a fourth child and he’d made that clear to OP after the second was born.

If OP continued with the fourth pregnancy he was honest he would have split from her. He was giving her the information she needed to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy to become a single mother of 4.

If he
a didn’t want to bring up 4 children and
b had been honest with OP about that and
c believed she was using contraception

Why should he have been forced to stay in a marriage and family set up which would make him unhappy? OP doesn’t say he would have refused to pay maintenance or to see the children just that he didn’t want to stay in a relationship with her if the pregnancy continued. He’s already bitten the bullet and accepted one pregnancy he didn’t want. At what point did he get to set his boundaries about this?

Have actually read the thread

He knew she wasn’t on any contraception and he took the risk. Then to insult her future I wouldn’t of left.

addicted2spaniels · 23/02/2021 20:25

When I fell unexpectedly pregnant with our last baby, DH wasn't remotely keen to go ahead with it. However, he'd been the one who chose not to wear a condom (I can't use hormonal contraception). So we had a few sharp conversations about the door being open for him to leave at any time, I wasn't shouldering the blame for his choices, and that if he wasn't wearing condoms in future, we weren't having a sex life. He got a vasectomy when our baby was 6 weeks old.

Men are equally accountable for contraception. And a man who fails to take any accountability isn't an attractive one.

Dullardmullard · 23/02/2021 20:25

Further*

thepeopleversuswork · 23/02/2021 20:26

I would really struggle to get past the fact that he issued an ultimatum on this. It's a pretty brutal thing to ask you to do, knowing how you felt.

I initially was of the view that he had a point as you knew he didn't want any more children and felt determined to have a fourth at any cost: and I still slightly question why you were so hell bent on having a fourth child when you knew he didn't want one and you already have three.

But ultimately the fact he refused to use contraception knowing what he did makes him a hypocrite.

I think I would find it very hard to continue the marriage in these circumstances.

TableFlowerss · 23/02/2021 20:28

@StellaDendrite

Tbh you both sound like you have been reckless, immature and selfish. I think it’s awful when women get pregnant ‘accidentally on purpose’ with someone they know doesn’t want a child. It so reckless. It’s also idiotic of men not to take responsibility for contraception.

I think this poster sums it up pretty well. The pair of them were reckless

Hubstar · 23/02/2021 20:29

@Elsaandana

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

Can I just ask why you weren’t and still aren’t using contraception?

❤️

RandomMess · 23/02/2021 20:29

I'm really not sure I could ever forgive his behaviour.

BloggersBlog · 23/02/2021 20:30

Wow, what a cruel cruel man. Bargaining his staying with you terminating a pregnancy.

I certainly wouldnt be calling him "D"H, unless the D stands for disgusting.

I would NEVER, ever forgive him. Or let him touch me again

gaijinetal · 23/02/2021 20:32

The dude had unprotected sex knowing his wife wouldn't want to have an abortion/would want to keep & have the child ... Then when the risk they both took resulted in a pregnancy; coerced her into an abortion ... Using the the kids of their marriage & family as it is as the stick to beat her into it.

He's a c u next Tuesday.

And if op leaves him, he'll be a part-time dad with way less responsibility - which op will shoulder.

SilverBirchWithout · 23/02/2021 20:33

I’m not quite sure whether this will help or not - but might help you think that other solutions may not have helped save your marriage.

A DF had 3 children (all by IVF) and then fell pregnant with the 4th. Her husband was horrendous, trying to insist she had an abortion saying they couldn’t afford a 4th. Her friends gave her a lot of support and she didn’t go ahead. They split up for a few weeks, and then got back together. They had their 4th child and to most outsiders everything looks fine. However their marriage never recovered - she still cannot forgive him for what he put her through. He has a very strained relationship with the 4th child (now grown-up), it’s as if on some level she knows although DF has not said anything. DF has been very unhappy for over 20 years, and they live really as strangers, and her husband still moans about their financial position, I think one day she will leave him, she never regrets the decision she made - but it did have far-reaching consequences.

What I’m trying to say is decisions get made for a number of reasons, there isn’t always a perfect solution. Sometimes you just need to work with what you decided at the time. Whether you are able to forgive your DH or not is up to you, but do make peace with you own decision however much you regret it.

gaijinetal · 23/02/2021 20:33

*Using the loss of their marriage & family as it is, as the stick to beat her into it.

Deux · 23/02/2021 20:42

Crikey, my friend was in the exact same position but their marriage never recovered. She left him about year later as the whole episode permanently affected how she viewed him.

Whybot · 23/02/2021 20:42

This sounds like an abuse of power to me, no wonder you are so angry. I would be too.
These people are v kind www.crosswaypregnancy.org.uk/
Forgiving someone who doesn’t feel or say sorry is huge . You are normal.
Sending hugs xx

Original poster

Elsaandana · 23/02/2021 20:44

@ifitpleasesandsparkles

You shouldn't be together. Why in God's name are you continuing to have unprotected sex when one of you wants another child and the other doesn't?

You need to be on the same page or you need to divorce.

Did you read the post ? I'm NOT, I've said we had full sex ONCE in a year with contraception I'm not that stupid

OP posts:

CutePixie · 23/02/2021 20:46

If he doesn’t want more children, then you should respect his decision. However, you say he knew you weren’t using any contraception so he should’ve worn a condom if he didn’t want to risk another pregnancy!

Did you feel emotionally low before the pregnancy? Was your relationship strained? I know you said you have split in the past, but did you ever recover from that?

Please focus on making happy memories with your 3 healthy DC. Focus you energy on them, not a “what if” of a fourth child.

Icanflyhigh · 23/02/2021 20:48

I terminated my first pregnancy in very similar circumstances, and ultimately, though I had three further full term, healthy pregnancies afterwards, with him, I never ever forgave him for for what he made me do under ultimatum. It was the downfall of our whole relationship and with hindsight I should never have married him.
I would suggest you think very hard and carefully about what you want and what you are prepared to do to forgive him, I know I tried my hardest and I just couldn't. I still struggle now and it's 20 years ago.

Wobblywombat · 23/02/2021 20:48

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation, I am sorry you are having to go through this.
That said, I’m not sure it would have been easier had you kept the 4th child.
Would your husband still be with you? If yes, would he be able to forgive you for insisting on growing the family beyond what he felt happy with? Or would he blow up every time you have a long day with the LOs?
Would you forgive him for being unhappy with your dream of four children coming true?
And supposing you were able to forgive each other, might a 4th child have brought other sources of stress into the household eg over finances and providing for a large family?
What if the child had turned out to have health problems that made him / her particularly tough to care for? Would that have tested the marriage further while giving you even more responsibility than you had bargained for?

Sorry if this line of questioning is not helpful, but it seems like from the moment this pregnancy happened without both of you agreeing to it, there were going to be challenges regardless of what decision you made, no right or wrong answers, and probably some need for counselling to help you both get back to common ground.

Original poster

Elsaandana · 23/02/2021 20:51

@SilverBirchWithout

I’m not quite sure whether this will help or not - but might help you think that other solutions may not have helped save your marriage.

A DF had 3 children (all by IVF) and then fell pregnant with the 4th. Her husband was horrendous, trying to insist she had an abortion saying they couldn’t afford a 4th. Her friends gave her a lot of support and she didn’t go ahead. They split up for a few weeks, and then got back together. They had their 4th child and to most outsiders everything looks fine. However their marriage never recovered - she still cannot forgive him for what he put her through. He has a very strained relationship with the 4th child (now grown-up), it’s as if on some level she knows although DF has not said anything. DF has been very unhappy for over 20 years, and they live really as strangers, and her husband still moans about their financial position, I think one day she will leave him, she never regrets the decision she made - but it did have far-reaching consequences.

What I’m trying to say is decisions get made for a number of reasons, there isn’t always a perfect solution. Sometimes you just need to work with what you decided at the time. Whether you are able to forgive your DH or not is up to you, but do make peace with you own decision however much you regret it.

Thank you silver it definitely is food for thought, I don't think it will ever leave me x

OP posts:

BeakyWinder · 23/02/2021 20:57

He is

not wrong to not want more children
very very wrong to not use contraception every single time

You are

not wrong to want more children
very silly to have unprotected sex knowing his feelings, setting yourself up for heartache there

LifeExperience · 23/02/2021 20:58

I could not forgive this.

blueshoes · 23/02/2021 21:03

You could have left him at the point of the ultimatum and you would probably leave him now. Or he would have left you. Either way, the 4th pregnancy was due to both your reckless behaviour on contraception but the outcome is the same.