Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

[Elsaandana]

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

Tbf, he very clearly laid down how he felt.

Have no idea where you got that from in op"s posts. All I saw was that he joked about it, it was a running joke. Not that he seriously, clearly says he did not want another child or could not countenance it. Op said he was reluctant re their third child but not strongly opposed/giving ultimatums, she probably not unreasonably thought he'd be the sane about another, esp given he was taking risks with contraception alongside op.

No I couldn't get over it. He should have supported any decision you made (your body, your choice), but also made it clear what his preferences were. If you went ahead with the pregnancy then he should have made his own decision to stay or go. It was an awful thing he did to threaten you with the relationship. Awful awful man

No he knew both times fully that I was not on any contraception I think he just hoped for the best

He probably assumed that if you did fall pregnant you would get a termination. I’m not sure why either of you wouldn’t use contraception.

Oh the poor men! they're constantly being tricked into pregnancy when it is completely and utterly in their own hands.

OP I'm sorry you've been going through bad times because of this. TBH if it were me i wouldn't be able to come back from this.

I hope that you find a way through this that brings you the maximum possible amount of happiness.

He knew I wasn't on any contraception yes

Then he had no right to start stamping and making demands once you were pregnant, especially when with two already he presumably knows what causes it

I agree with the PP who said you may need counselling - and yes, plenty still are working face to face. This site lets you search for those offering "in person": www.counselling-directory.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA7NKBBhDBARIsAHbXCB4RMbTsfIKbsNJWHKAyHwpvHuV6iiwMGrnEdrujZxXcFZJu7RrnnusaAqHCEALw_wcB

@gaijinetal

Men have very little option in terms of unwanted pregnancies

They gave three solid options - vasectomy, condoms and abstinence (or at the very least alternative sexual acts).

Vasectomy, even reversible as it is, may not be an option for some men but certainly is in cases like this where he had several children and does not want more.

Not to mention that they can clearly, specifically and unequivocally communicate on whether they would want a child/another child.

I said with unwanted pregnancies.

Not with contraception.

I've already addressed the lack of contraception as BOTH of their issues.

@TableFlowerss

NRFT but it’s not clear about your contraception. If he thought you were protected then it would have been a shock to him.

Wanting a fourth child imo isn’t a dealbreaker. People can change their minds and it’s not the same as someone saying they don’t want kids at all a few years in to the relationship. That is a deal breaker and I don’t see them the same thing.

He didn’t want a 4th and you did so there’s no right or wrong answer - you both wanted different things. He should have been using a condom but most men don’t wear a condom with their wife if they think she’s on contraception.

You feel overwhelmed with loss. He feels relief as it was too much for him.

You don’t feel like him and he doesn’t feel the way you do so won’t understand the devastation you feel. So yes I could forgive him because he’d said he doesn’t want a 4th.

Only you’ll know if you done it on purpose ‘accidentally’ and if you did then that’s worse in my opinion. If you didn’t and you got caught despite contraception then it’s a tough situation for you OP but I do t thus it’s worth ending a marriage

Op has clarified that they didn't use contraception, they, he was aware of it and she naturally presumed he was ok taking the risk she could fall pregnant.

Did he think you were tracking your cycle and only making love during “safe” times? Otherwise having sex as and when with no other form of protection is generally known as trying to conceive. You initially said you were reckless with your contraception which does give the impression that you were notionally using some form of family planning?

You shouldn't be together. Why in God's name are you continuing to have unprotected sex when one of you wants another child and the other doesn't?

You need to be on the same page or you need to divorce.

Regardless of how you got pregnant or how powerless/betrayed he may have felt, a good man does not coerce a woman into an abortion she doesn’t want.

He keeps ejaculating inside you and blaming you for biology.

“ I disagree completely with this. If he was so against a fourth child he either needed to give up sex or get a vasectomy. Sex makes babies, whatever you do some women will still get pregnant. Bullying your pregnant wife into an abortion she very much does not want is abuse.”

Couldn't use the quote function for some reason, but this is how I see it, too.

Has he now arranged to have a vasectomy??

How are you going to feel if you split and he has another child with someone else because he can't be bothered to sort contraception out and the next person may not be coerced into abortion?

Tbh you both sound like you have been reckless, immature and selfish.

I think it’s awful when women get pregnant ‘accidentally on purpose’ with someone they know doesn’t want a child. It so reckless.
It’s also idiotic of men not to take responsibility for contraception.

I’d be divorced with the 4th child

You shouldn't be together. Why in God's name are you continuing to have unprotected sex when one of you wants another child and the other doesn't?

You need to be on the same page or you need to divorce.

Absolutely this!

You are both blaming each other. You are both resentful of each other. Just break up.

Had you discussed this together and he told you he didn’t want one but you went against his wishes hoping that he’d change his mind?

What a poisonous thing to suggest.

do you still want a 4th child op? sub consciously is that the reason you're still not using contraception?
on a different note, imo you never know how a termination will affect you until its happened. if he had known, would he have reacted differently i wonder?

I am totally pro abortion, but i know i could not forgive my husband for this .
I am so sorry you are in this pain ,the fact that he said he wouldn't have left after all must make it very hard .
I think it would be the end for me .
You have a few pointless comments re your lack of contraception , that's not really the point .

Ok maybe I should give some more background information, he always knew I wanted a big family but we never really had the discussion of actually making a plan of how many but he never cited he only wanted a specific amount when my middle one was about 2 or so he started to saying he didn't really want anymore and obviously that was a thing for me

We had couple counselling further down the line & this topic came up, we actually had more or less agreed to split and he moved out for a week he then wanted to work it out & said he was open to having more kids just not right at that time maybe in like another few years!

Well after a week apart things got a bit intense if you know what I mean and I ended up pregnant straight away , he was embarrassed at what people would think as we live in a small place & obviously we're having couple counselling so yea obviously it didn't look great but I think he only mentioned abortion in a round about kind of way once but he was totally detached emotionally from the pregnancy at first

This 3rd child is the light of his life & their siblings lives & he always says how glad we know have them

I know this seems all very Jeremy Kyle but I promise you I like to think of myself as a decent level headed person

My main point was obviously could you forgive someone that willingly& happily had unprotected sex & then when their worst fears came true treated you like absolute shit

Sorry if I rambled

*I said with unwanted pregnancies.

Not with contraception.*

How do unwanted pregnancies happen .

Yes, once a pregnancy has happened; women can have a termination .. they can't (theoretically) force a termination .. though in reality they do force terminations through any number of tactics (as this charmer of a husband demonstrates).

But let's just ignore that, they have no control over a pregnancy once it happens ..
That's why the contraception is as or more crucial to men ... Yet they regularly, irresponsibly, cavalierly take risks with it and give the responsibility to women.

These are the guys that consider themselves logical, scientific, clever. And often have a superiority complex over women.

If you don't want yo be in a position of having next to no control over an unwanted pregnancy, don't put yourself in that position in the first place.

The semen doesn't shoot itself up vaginas.

I'm very sad for you, OP. It's easy for posters to say they'd leave or they'd stay. We're not in your position with your husband and they're not you but it's very difficult not to take a position on this and I'm no different.

I'm reeling from the 'stab in the heart' that your husband delivered by saying to you - after the abortion - that he probably wouldn't have left. In which case you went through all that for nothing. He didn't discuss this with you when you were pregnant with your fourth, didn't get himself castrated when he was certain he didn't want another child... and you carried the burden. How can a man who knows that his wife dreams of a fourth child have unprotected sex with her, let her keep that dream alive? He had absolutely no business doing this and to do it was cruel.

So I'll join the other posters in saying how it would be for me. I wouldn't be able to live with him anymore, the relationship would be cold so it would be done - and not a chance I'd ever have sex with him again. There would be no affection and any love I'd had for him would be gone - that 'last stab' would have been the proverbial straw.

Would I stay? Yes, probably, there are three children to consider, but we wouldn't be sharing a bed again. I feel very angry on your behalf, Elsaanddana and you must be a very strong woman indeed to go through all that you have and be willing to have couples counselling.

So angry that I hit 'post' too soon... all the very best to you, Elsaanddana. I hope you will find a place where you are happy again, in or out of your marriage.

Why in God's name are you continuing to have unprotected sex

Do people ever read posts?

She said they've had sex once with condoms since.

He didn’t want a third or a fourth child and he’d made that clear to OP after the second was born.

If OP continued with the fourth pregnancy he was honest he would have split from her. He was giving her the information she needed to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy to become a single mother of 4.

If he
a didn’t want to bring up 4 children and
b had been honest with OP about that and
c believed she was using contraception

Why should he have been forced to stay in a marriage and family set up which would make him unhappy? OP doesn’t say he would have refused to pay maintenance or to see the children just that he didn’t want to stay in a relationship with her if the pregnancy continued. He’s already bitten the bullet and accepted one pregnancy he didn’t want. At what point did he get to set his boundaries about this?