Intimate body part question

[embaressssed]

Hi

I know this is a very private matter so please feel free to ignore (and not post to just call me a weirdo for asking), I think I'm just looking for reassurance!

I am single after a long term relationship. Once restrictions are lifted I feel ready to 'get back out there' however I'm really embarrassed about how my, ahem, private area looks. My ex made a very very nasty comment about it and it's made me very paranoid (although to be fair I wasn't that confident about it anyway).

I'm in my mid 30's and for the first time considering cosmetic surgery (labiaplasty). I have asked a couple of friends if they changed 'down there' after giving birth but nope, seems for everyone else everything that is meant to be hidden, is!

I know bodies are all different, I suppose what I'm really asking is how common is this? I think I would be able to accept it if I knew a future partner had likely come across it before.

I know it's not a very polite thing to ask people so even if there are any midwives or doctors (or even just men that have had numerous partners!) that could maybe tell me how common it is and (well I suppose this is more directed at men) if it puts people off? It's definitely putting me off ever getting intimate with someone again!

Men who are abusive or trying to hurt you will pick on anything, it could have been the size of your nose or the hairyness of your legs. Pay no heed.

I have a fair bit on show, but any man who has seen that has just been so bloody grateful that I let them get that close that I have never heard any comments other than happy ones!

I rather suspect your issue here isnt your genitals but your low self worth. Any man who has any opinion at all on your downstairs that isnt 100% positive can fuck right off.

I think women sometimes worry that men are as judgemental about labia size as women are about penis size. We're not.
Agree with PP who suggested he said it out of spite. What a turd.

Just want to give you a hug. As many others have said, he just wanted to hurt you and hasn't a clue.

My husband told me back in the dark ages (2004?) that I was too loose and he couldn't feel anything. It took me ten years to even begin to get over that, even though he did apologise a few years later when I finally said how much it had hurt me. My husband is sadly dead now, and what has finally repaired that comment has been having lots of casual sex, WhatsApp sex and picture swapping with plenty of other men and getting loads of positive feedback. I thoroughly recommend this as a boost to your confidence, at times it made me like all men much more. To think I wasted years thinking my breasts were too small, my vagina was too large etc etc. It's easy to think that male sexual drive is all oppressive - sometimes it has the joy of a life-force. Don't have surgery; have lots of sex instead.

@PermanentTemporary

Just want to give you a hug. As many others have said, he just wanted to hurt you and hasn't a clue.

My husband told me back in the dark ages (2004?) that I was too loose and he couldn't feel anything. It took me ten years to even begin to get over that, even though he did apologise a few years later when I finally said how much it had hurt me. My husband is sadly dead now, and what has finally repaired that comment has been having lots of casual sex, WhatsApp sex and picture swapping with plenty of other men and getting loads of positive feedback. I thoroughly recommend this as a boost to your confidence, at times it made me like all men much more. To think I wasted years thinking my breasts were too small, my vagina was too large etc etc. It's easy to think that male sexual drive is all oppressive - sometimes it has the joy of a life-force. Don't have surgery; have lots of sex instead.

Pesumably at one point you said "Why do you assume my vagina is too big and its not your dick that's too small?" and if not, why not! It would have been the very first thing I said! But then.....I am a lot older and more savvy now, perhaps in my twenties, back in the ancient nineties, I would have taken it much worse.

"You want men who have had numerous partners to tell you what types of fannies they prefer"

Folks. Here’s an example of how not to respond to someone who is clearly reaching out for reassurance and what is a genuine concern to many. Perhaps a bit of compassion might be a better response or even nothing at all - keep moving along.

Hey OP. All vulvas are lovely. If yours is healthy and your labia are not so large that they are causing you discomfort, then please accept that it is okay to look a little different. I'm sure lots of men will actually find this to be aesthetically pleasing.

I opted to have labiaplasty on my inner labia to try and correct a small tear after childbirth. The op was unsuccessful the first time and I had to undergo a second op. I was in agony afterwards and wished I wouldn't have gone ahead with it. I know that's not the same thing, but thought it may be worth sharing.

Love your fanny for all that it is because i can guarantee you that it is splendid

I read the public hair post just now then came across this one.

Interesting 1st posts...

seems for everyone else everything that is meant to be hidden, is!

No, the labia minora aren't "meant to be hidden"!

It's slightly more common than not to have some degree of the inner lips not covered by the outer. I read a really great study that mapped differences in a large sample of women (looking at labial shape, colour, texture, length- it was very detailed! ) If I manage to find It I'll link.

www.instagram.com/the.vulva.gallery/ is a great account

Simply put, women with "neat" vulvas are far more likely to appear in porn, naked in films and other media so are considered the standard. It used to be common that exposed inner labia were considered obscene and so pixelated/blanked out, whereas a vulva with everything tucked away would be on show.

@embaressssed
I had labiaplasty at the age of 39 (I was quite, ahem, asymmetric there). No one ever commented on my body parts - this is something that bothered me and only me. I couldn't be happier now that I've done it.
Of course if you can accept yourself, don't do it - but if you cannot- it's not that big of a deal it get it done and forget that you ever were uncomfortable with your body parts.

I agree that this wasn’t about your body but all about hurting you.

Some people are nasty and spiteful....they identify something you’re sensitive about and focus in on it deliberately to hurt you.....and whether there’s anything in what they say or not, it hurts.

So don’t even consider it further. Know there is no normal. If it helps, know that the more people someone has slept with, the more different shapes they will have seen. Yours won’t be anything special or unusual.

It was totally said to hurt you and be spiteful. So awful, when you’re being intimate with someone, but some people are spiteful.

Isn’t it easy to think of retorts after someone has said something spiteful...’oh, perhaps you’re not as experienced as you think, if my fanny is surprising to you....you clearly haven’t seen many’
But no doubt you were so shocked and hurt (which is what he intended) that you were stunned into silence....but it’s eaten away at you.

Do not do what he intended to do to you...which is to crush your self esteeem and feel hurt. Take seriously the comments here about fanjos varying hugely, and only total arseholes having a view on such things or ever commenting on them like he did. Know this was all about him and nothing to do with your fanjo at all.

Pyong, he was lashing out to hurt me, and I knew he was hypersensitive about his dick size. I've got no interest in saying this crap to other people, it's wrong whoever does it.

Unless it is causing a physical discomfort, I would seriously discourage your from doing this. I've heard that these types of operations are often done by plastic surgeons that are not properly trained. Some are referring to older textbooks that don't go into proper detail about clitoral size & spread, even today in our day & age!! Then there are horror stories where surgeons have removed far too much, or injured women for life. It's an incredibly sensitive area. You could seriously impair your circulation which is important for arousal and pleasure. The nerves are so incredibly complex and sensitive. Interfere with that at your peril.

There is a real shame about this, spread by porn and a lack of awareness of what real bodies look like. I would not trust other women to give you a truthful answer.

Would you seriously turn away a man because one of his balls was a bit lopsided. What about if they were on the large size? They're reproductive parts. Highly function orientated in nature and not meant to be pretty. Why must everything about a woman be perfect, symmetrical and pretty??

@DeeCeeCherry

I read the public hair post just now then came across this one.

Interesting 1st posts...

Quite!

And yes, if you’d have had a slight concern about your boobs, he’d have picked up on that and said something foul about them, or if it was your nose you’d been a bit sensitive about, he would have found a truly horrible way to make you sure your nose was awful.....he was honing in on your insecurities and deliberately trying to make them grow.

What a foul thing to do, but especially about something intimate.

Dont give him the satisfaction as it were...as another poster said, have lots of sex (if you want to) or things that essentially stick 2 fingers up t him. But most important, just don’t believe it....it was a lie to hurt you and absolutely not a fact.

@oldegg123

seems for everyone else everything that is meant to be hidden, is!

No, the labia minora aren't "meant to be hidden"!

It's slightly more common than not to have some degree of the inner lips not covered by the outer. I read a really great study that mapped differences in a large sample of women (looking at labial shape, colour, texture, length- it was very detailed! ) If I manage to find It I'll link.

www.instagram.com/the.vulva.gallery/ is a great account

Simply put, women with "neat" vulvas are far more likely to appear in porn, naked in films and other media so are considered the standard. It used to be common that exposed inner labia were considered obscene and so pixelated/blanked out, whereas a vulva with everything tucked away would be on show.

I'd also add that it's quite common for women to not be happy with labiaplasty results. The vulval tissue is naturally very soft and loose, meaning that scar tissue can be more a problem than it would be in other areas of the body.

I’m not sure why you would want to ask men about fannies. They don’t have them, their expectations of them are wildly unrealistic, and most of them aren’t that bothered about aesthetics anyway.

I’m a lesbian so I’ve been up close and personal with a few, and obviously I have one of my own. They’re all different OP, and unless your’s is green I really wouldn’t worry.

The only time to think about surgery is if you are uncomfortable when sitting down, or wearing tight trousers. These are genuine reasons for having surgery but other than that, no.

Hi OP,

When I was a teenager I did have the surgery on my down below, mainly, due to the fact I was getting constant chafe and in pain all day every day as my labia were ridiculously long. If I could of taken a tablet for them to reduce, I would of, but sadly you can’t, so surgery was the only option.

Even after the surgery, I still have long labia and am also myself uncomfortable with my down below and can’t stand blokes looking at it. I’ve never once had any man say anything bad about it. In fact, my ex used to tell me to stop being silly and reassured me anytime I started getting self conscious.

I am now, still in the back of my mind slightly conscious and embarrassed about it but as others have suggested. Blokes do not care and if they do make a comment (absolutely disgusting your ex did) they are not worth your time of day.

We all come in different shapes and sizes and that also goes for down there. Please get yourself back out there and as hard as it is, try not to let it overcloud the moment when the time comes! If you are that self conscious and decide on surgery then you do what you need too, but honestly, if it’s not causing you pain or discomfort, just try work on not feeling like you’re not normal down below and find someone who’s going to reassure and compliment when the time comes! There is no normal when it comes to vaginas!

Oh my inner bits stick out quiet a lot. More so on one side. I was a bit worried about it but discussed it with DH (who has seen his fair share) and he was clear they’re all different. Obviously he claims to be fond of mine but I think most blokes are all for viva le difference!

Your ex sounds a real nasty piece of work. Don’t let him get you down. I’ve never been appalled by a Willy and I’ve seen a range in terms of their aesthetic prowesses!

I'm being completely honest here. No decent man will give a shit about how it looks down there. All vulvas look odd. As long as it's clean, genuinely, no man worth seeing will care. Same goes for body hair as well- yes, men might have a 'preference', but confidence usually trumps a preference. So do what makes you feel good.

I would personally shave/not shave (whatever makes you most confident and sexy) and embrace what you have. I know it can be hard to get over body confidence issues (and I have plenty myself, especially after having two c sections), but the best thing you can do is adopt a policy of 'well if he doesn't like it, it's his loss' and stick to it.

There's so much more to women than the shape of their vulva.

Couldn't pick mine out of a line up. After I gave birth, the nurse asked me to check in the mirror to see what my scarring was looking like. Well, I didn't and I wouldn't of known if my vagina had changed anyway. I suppose my DP would but I haven't asked him.

For health reasons, I should probably look at my vagina. I'm not prudish, it's a body part, with functions that I'm not embarrassed of, but at the same time, I just don't fancy looking. That's weird and contradictory isn't it?

I used to worry about what I looked like after four natural births, but saw a documentary on Channel 4 or 5, where a photographer took photos of 100 vaginas and now feel completely at ease with myself

It's a definite possibility this man was trying to control you in some way i.e. to stop you leaving him or something. Don't assume it's logical.
It says alot about his mental state for him to say that and nothing about your body.

I do also want to advise, since my surgery, I don’t really have much sensitivity to my clit and because of this, even with a vibrator, I do struggle to orgasm. So please take this into consideration before thinking of going for the surgery. Best of luck with what you decide though!

^The useless waste of skin here is your ex, not your fanny flaps.