Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

Does he have life insurance OP?

Every time he brings up your ‘frivolous’ spending, remind him that you would have more money if you hadn’t had to pay off his debts.
Then tell him to F off.
Never apologise to him for buying things you and your kids need. You shouldn’t have to buy second hand.
Your post has made me so angry. I feel he will slowly chip away at you.

Op - I think he is trying to control you financially. Also, I bet the coat looks lovely. The fact you say he pulled a frown when you bought it rings alarm bells that he doesn’t want you to look nice. By putting you down and bringing everything up and relating it back to the coat is his way of putting you in your place. Stand your ground with him. You and your children have as much right to essentials such as a coat just as much as he does.

@Labobo

Of course a winter coat is essential, especially as the only thing we can do right now is walk! And £39.99 is a bargain. Tell him you are not Victorian paupers who deserve to shiver in the frost - your self esteem is higher than that and being short of money doesn't mean you should neglect essential self-care if at all possible. Then tell him Subject Closed. Never ever ask his permission or discuss these things with him. For your toddler, maybe buy two sizes of the same coat so he doesn't even notice.

All of the above.

And collect details of bank accounts, investments etc, and when you get a chance - leave.

If he is like this now, things will only get worse. When your children have growth spurts he will make your lives a misery.

I would also make a note of what he spends on himself, and when he starts ranting on, place it in front of him.

Forty quid for a decent coat is an investment, not a frivolity.

@Touchmybum

This is why I never considered being a SAHM (among other reasons) - I would never allow a man to tell me what I could and couldn't buy. £40 is nothing for a coat! Wear it and enjoy it.

Who ran up the debt, I wonder?

This is nothing to do with being a SAHM , it’s to do with who the husband is . I’ve always been very pt or a SAHM ( was a registered nurse) but I have full control and view of our finances and my husband has always been happy for me to spend whatever I want on whatever I deem fit. It sounds like the OPs husband is financially abusive .

When I read posts like these I always hope they're not true. He sounds a right misery op.

Go back to work

Take birth control

Move out

Please

It's £40 he's a controlling dick head. If you couldn't put the heating on or put food on the table - ok but this isn't your situation.
He thinks you've spent HIS money. That's what this is. W*nker

Going down the SAHM route with a tight man is a sure fire road to misery. I like to spend on myself and the dc so make sure I earn but a winter coat isn’t an unnecessary spend in anybody’s book, he’s being unfair.

I’m not sure what I was trying to achieve here, but for context I earn slightly more than DH.

Anyway, I said ‘if I didn’t work and needed a coat, would you buy me a £40 coat today?’
‘Of course!’ He said.

So I said ‘OK, can we go and buy me a coat?’
He say ‘No, go buy it yourself!’

Anyway, a coat is essential, especially now and it shouldn’t be a choice between a coat for you or shoes for your kids. To make you feel guilt about that is cruel in my opinion.

If he can buy himself headphones etc, he clearly can afford luxuries, so necessities should surely come first? The problem is that he’s viewing his earnings as ‘his’ money that he’d prefer to spend on things he wants and begrudges spending on the family.

OP his behaviour isn't bordering on financial abuse, it is financial abuse.

He sounds like a miserable selfish git and I'd make plans to leave as soon as you can as he is not a good role model for your kids.

What a wanker. I feel cross on your behalf. In the meantime enjoy your new coat and stop letting him make you feel bad about it.

If hes shit with money he could damage your credit rating in the long term. Make sure he doesn't take out anything in your name.

@IdblowJonSnow

OP his behaviour isn't bordering on financial abuse, it is financial abuse.

He sounds like a miserable selfish git and I'd make plans to leave as soon as you can as he is not a good role model for your kids.

What a wanker. I feel cross on your behalf. In the meantime enjoy your new coat and stop letting him make you feel bad about it.

If hes shit with money he could damage your credit rating in the long term. Make sure he doesn't take out anything in your name.

this!

My first LTB

Re. the 30 hours at 3. In a 2 parent household both parents must work at least 16 hours a week each. This is why the OP doesn’t qualify at present. If she returned to work in a role that offered 16 hrs per week and her DH doesn’t earn in excess of £100k she will be eligible.

Re. The coat. I felt so sad when you said you feel awful looking at it now. The feeling of happiness at finding a decent quality coat, that fits well and makes you feel good is a rare find. Even more so at £40.
He’s soured that.

What a miserable existence he has created. I’m not sure what to advise OP. Time to take a step back and look at the positives and negatives and how to change the balance of the relationship if you feel it is worth the effort? Personally I’m with those saying re-establish your financial independence, obtain suitable childcare for both DC and then review.

Sell his coats and tell him a winter coat isn’t an essential item and your strapped for cash.

This is financial control. Please don’t let him do this to you, or your children.

I know how hard it is to be a SAHM and not have your ‘own’ money- I’m currently at home with a baby and toddler too- but I never get asked about what I spend money on and I don’t feel I have to justify anything that I do spend or if I want to treat myself. It’s not right. Please don’t put up with this any longer

@fairway21

My first LTB

Mine too.

What a mean, tight bastard!

A decent man (person) would not begrudge his wife and kids clothes and shoes that fit them and keep them warm.

He could at least look for something else to whinge about other than a winter coat but I expect you haven't bought anything else for yourself so the twat can't find another way to get at you.

You need to get a job if your family are struggling to make ends meet. It is sad you can't afford even a cheap winter coat or childrens clothes but if there's no money left there is no money left.

@Viviennemary there would be money if the H didn’t spend it all on himself.

[quote Megafedup]@Bluntness100 we looked into it as we weren’t eligible and only for the 15 hours. Oh maybe because I’m not in full time work.
We discussed it awhile back and it wasn’t worth our while because what I would earn wouldn’t cover childcare costs for younger child.[/quote]
It doesn't matter if your earnings wouldn't cover childcare. Childcare is A JOINT EXPENSE and will pay for itself in your future increased earnings, be saved when your children go to school and allow you to build your pension.

Being able to earn your own money is about a lot more than covering short term childcare costs.

So one rule for him and another one for you! He sounds like a tight-fisted knob.

Tell him that’s fine, you’ll go back to work and we’ll pay for childcare.

Or next time you’re meeting anyone with him (when we’re out of this lockdown!) wear you most scabby clothes and embarrass him.

You need a coat. Your husband is an arse. Tell him to jog on and stop being a financial abuser.

This is unfair, when I was a stay at home Mum I had very little disposable income (not due to my DH being controlling with money but we didn’t have a lot spare money.) I ended up getting a weekend job, whilst he looked after the children, that really helped us have extra spends etc. Can you get an evening/weekend job? It’s nice to have some financial security, even if it’s small.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Not accepting that your children need clothes which fit is disgusting. My toddler is on a mad run of growth spurts and has grown out of the last lot of clothes we got her in 6 weeks. I tend to buy them secondhand on eBay but even that costs money.

How do you split your money? Instead of going off on one why didn’t you ask why he gets non-essentials like headphones and new face products and you don’t get a warm enough coat?

If money is extremely tight I wouldn’t have spent £40 on a coat, you can get great second hand things for a lot less. But if he’s shopping for himself with no thought to your finances you should be able to as well and shoes and clothes that fit your growing child are obviously essential, though they don’t need to be very expensive.

He’s obviously not happy with you being a SAHM and this won’t be the last you hear of it so you need to think about going back to work if your family can afford childcare.

Charity shops are shut. I usually buy secondhand and I’m spending more atm because I’m having to buy new.

£40 for a winter coat isn't much.

Return all the shite he buys for himself and keep the money.

So when he is driving about in his nice warm (and dry) car, and you are walking everywhere with the children, in the depth of winter - what does he expect you to wear? Be huddled up in a shawl like some poverty-stricken Victorian?