Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper You weren’t wrong. He is in the wrong, he is financially abusive. Sorry OP he doesn’t sound very nice at all. Does he want to keep you home all the time, is that why he doesn’t want you to have a coat? Controlling twat. YADNBU

OP, this is not nice to read. (I've only read your posts).

You need a decent winter coat. He sounds like an idiot at best, financially abusive and controlling at worst. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. You deserve better.

OP he sounds financially abusive, I recommend doing some reading around this and talking to women's aid.

I would plan to leave him. You don't say whether you are married so it is difficult to advise but surely even if you end up on universal credit you can at least budget for essentials yourself without being made to feel guilty about essential spending. You will also qualify for more free childcare which could help you back to work.

If you aren't ready to leave, suggest you make a budget. Work out what you need for essential bills and leave that in the joint account. The remainder is split into your spends, his spends, kids stuff and family treats. You can do this using separate accounts or something like Monzo that has separate "pockets" or using cash. Then whatever you have in your "pocket" is yours to spend on whatever you want/need with no questions asked. It isn't fair that he can buy loads of crap but you get a hard time for buying essentials or clothes for the kids.

I'm quite petty over our budget. I have to be, because our income has almost halved over the past couple of years and whilst we can manage, we can only do so with a really, really tightly managed budget plan.

A winter coat for every member of the household, that fits and is warm and waterproof and not falling to bits, is a priority only the tiniest bit behind food, rent and utilities. I did a winter once without waterproof footwear, putting plastic bags inside my shit £4 Primark boots to try and stay dry and it was horrible, horrible, horrible- and I had a coat that was warm and waterproof. A winter coat is not a luxury.

Your posts make me think your husband is abusing you and I would add my voice to those saying to seek help and support rather than confronting him.

He's just awful OP, you shouldn't have to live like this, justifying and being harranged over an essential purchase.

By comparison, the zip broke on my winter coat a few weeks ago. I mentioned it to DH and he hasn't stopped trying to get me to buy a new one since. He's worried about me being out and about in the not as warm coat I've been using since. I don't want to buy one as I'm currently losing a lot of weight and whatever I buy will be way too big by next winter, so I'd rather wait. DH keeps insisting that he'll get me another next winter if I need it. (My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and if he gets me a coat I may have to kill him.)

To be blunt, although your coat is bound to be nice, that is a very small price to pay for a coat. He's living on another planet! Most winter woolly jumpers cost more.

Agree with the others that he is abusing you.

Woaw! He begrudges you a £40 winter coat? That is ridiculous! Those little purchases he makes will very soon add up to £40, but that's not what this is about. How little value does he put on you if you can't buy something like this without getting it in the neck?

You might want to advocate a bit stronger for yourself, OP. Small budget doesn't even come into this.

Unfortunately this is a common theme on MN.
The man happily says sure, let's have kids and you can be a SAHM, then turns into a financially controlling, bitter dickhead.
THIS

@Deadposhtory

Unfortunately this is a common theme on MN. The man happily says sure, let's have kids and you can be a SAHM, then turns into a financially controlling, bitter dickhead. THIS

To be fair that’s not what she said happened, she said the free child care fell through forcing it, and that they’ve struggled and got into debt because of it.

I know in the short term, going back to work and spending the equivalent of your entire earnings on childcare seems pointless, but the longer you are out of work the more irretrievably your earning potential collapses.

Let's say you go back to work in April, and you earn 24k and BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU your childcare ends up costing as much as your take-home pay.

Next year you're going to be on 26k.

Then 28k.

Then child 1 starts school - childcare costs drop dramatically.

Then maybe you're going to do a Masters at night or some other enhancement to your qualifications, and 5 years from now, when your baby is starting school, you're on 35k with no childcare costs.

Maybe your qualifications and previous career mean you can add 10 or 20k to those numbers, I don't know.

But if you wait until the kids are at school, suddenly you've been out of work for SEVEN YEARS, and you'll be damn lucky to get in there at 24k.

A good dad would not get into an argument about new shoes for his child. As long as you're bringing them up in this atmosphere they are learning that this is how normal relationships work.

£40 for a winter coat is not expensive. Yes you could get second hand, but it is an essential item.

He's being controlling - has he forgotten that you paid off his debt?

Why can't he get bus to work so you can have car with the DC? My dad used to get 2 buses to work so my Mum had the car when we were little. Not that she ever took us anywhere in it but that's not the point.

If you can't drive then I think you need to learn so you can get back to work & being able to drive will open up more opportunities for you.

I'm always amazed on here at the number of people stuck with partners who control their money and it turns out the wife doesn't drive and has to deal with a baby and a toddler with no transport. It's sad that the men are as a result completely in charge.

You're absolutely right OP. A decent coat is an essential and well done for the bargain price. Don't let him beat you mentally, wear that coat and enjoy it. Long term I'd be questioning if I could live like this.

It sounds really unhealthy that he is making such a big deal out of a £40 coat that is needed and making it feel you so bad.
He is being so unreasonable and it such a shame you say you don't recognise him from the way he now treats you, he should want to change that,

He’s financially abusive, you need to start work ASAP even if it’s not earning that much to begin with. Don’t let him bully you like this. Remind him you paid off his debts so if you buy a coat then it’s not exactly bankrupting him. It doesn’t seem like he sees you as a team at all

What @crosspelican says. Pay the childcare. Go back to work. 5 years from now you will be substantially better off financially

Yes its essential and £40 isn't a lit for a decent coat, tell him to stop bringing it up , you need a coat and thats that.
Could you sell your coats that you said don't fit but are in good condition ? Not to please him but to give you a bit more money for you?
Does he control all the spending ?

What @crosspelican says!

Get back into the work sphere and start making a life for yourself.

FFS. Of course you need a warm coat! There are a lot of this on MN where someone who is the sole earner seems to feel that the stay at home partner doesnt get to spend any money and has a fit when they do. It is really unreasonable and bordering on financial abuse. I hope you can get to a point where you can have a sensible chat about it and that you need to be able to spend money for what you consider essentials without him harping on about it. Hugs to you. Sounds horrible.

You need a warm coat more than you need a husband OP. Go back to work as soon as you can and make sure he spends as many hours doing household work of as much quality and quantity as you do when you start back in the workplace. Do not wait for DC to be in school. Start training now and pay fir it, even if it means taking on more debt in the short term.

I’m not sure if that is what it says and bits are falling off of it, or if it’s just a bit knackered, but she did have one.

@Bluntness100 I thought she said she didn't have one that fits anymore.

He’s saying they are struggling because of that 40 quid spend.

No one can stay at home when the other doesn’t support it. It’s great to want to stay home for several years till the youngest is at school,but that only works if both parents are in agreement and you can afford it.

He earns £50,000. They're not that poor. OP doesn't describe the debt as being massive or anything.

To be honest I'll just answer with a list of everything he bought for himself since you bought the coat.

I feel so sad for you. Are you happy, are you willing to waste your precious life with a man that has no respect for you ? Life really is too short to live the way you do

Are you sure this is really about money and not an excuse to have a go at you, or a way for him to make sure you don't get out & about very much without him and the car?

What does he do for a living btw? I'm asking because with other issues that are often on the board, there seems to be a pattern with some professions that they attract a certain type character.

This isn't about a coat.

OP please read up on coercive control and financial abuse. Your 'D'P has lead you to believe that his treatment of you is normal. It isn't.

You can call women's aid or another domestic abuse service and just talk through your relationship with them. You might find it quite enlightening to reflect on what has become normalised in your relationship.

This will only get worse.