Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

@Megafedup, if you are able to talk to your DH about a financial plan to clear those debts, an excellent step is for you both to keep a spending diary for a month. All his little bits he buys may well add up to a lot more than your winter coat, and if he can realise this it may help. As for his comment about having a budget when you aren't in dept any more - well, a proper budget can help you get out of debt. And it may all look less daunting with a proper plan in place. Have a look at the money saving expert website - there are some great resources on there www.moneysavingexpert.com/budgeting-debt-help/

I certainly do agree with other posters that he is being financially controlling and only thinking of himself. Do start making a plan for yourself.

If you can, list everything that he's bought recently and when he says that you could have bought shoes for the DC if you didn't have a new coat you can immediately come back with moisturiser/beer/treats etc.

My bets are, through no fault of her own, she doesn't know half of what he spends on himself - a coffee here, a sandwich for lunch because he fancies something different.
He's the one who incurred larger debts before and the current debts seem to be associated with childcare and current circumstances rather than OP being frivolous with limited family finances.

£39.99 is nothing for a good coat, it's not a fashion item and coats can last a long time. Unless you are penniless it's a reasonable item.

I have been skint for years and I have several coats from charity shops, but that's me.

A bad coat can be the only impression people get of you so it's important you have one you feel good in.

Your husband may be being abusive, I had an awful partner who screamed at me for spending money so he could feed his addiction, look out for deeper reasons for this whining, it's spoilt and ridiculous.

Absolutely, my boyfriend once screamed at me because I bought a denim skirt in winter and wanted to buy tights to go with it, he was spending all our money on drugs and booze.

As a side note, one of my friends comes from another (very hot) country. When they got here they had very little and he was on a low salary to start with (although they are a lot more comfortable now). She was at home with their young family, and extremely vulnerable due to being in a foreign country, with no income of their own. Also it was a country which most people associate with quite macho/male centred behaviour. She told me recently that one of the first things he bought, before she even arrive, was a warm coat for her because he knew she hated the cold. And that he prioritised feeding and clothing their children over everything else for years until they were in a better position financially. He isnt perfect by a long shot but that is what you do when you love and care for someone. You are the mother of his child for gods sake.

He's now my ex!

My DH is very money savvy and when he met me i had credit card debt which he helped me pay off. He has never had a credit card and refuses point blank to get one which is stupid because you are covered online for big purchases. I work part time so he can't stop me buying stuff for me (and tbf he never has) but he never buys himself anything nice and he loves music but has never been to a concert because he refuses to pay "extortionate amount" for a ticket. Same for meals out and holidays - will only pay the minimum which does limit where you can go. It is really tedious and because of his stingy attitude we don't do much together. His argument is that you can still enjoy life without spending money!!!

What an arse, of course you need a winter coat.

I have a down jacket which I wear most of the time as it's light and warm. But definitely not waterproof, so I may wear a waterproof jacket over the top or I may wear my ski jacket which is both warm and waterproof.

I also have numerous other jackets and fleeces which I can wear depending upon varying degrees of cold and wet.

This is dreadful when you walk everywhere. I also have a car but I walk lots so if I need one you sure as hell do.

Also, who does the food shopping? Presumably he doesnt object on you spending money on food (since its for him too). So if it is you try to get 5/10 pounds or so cash back with each big supermarket shop. Save it and you have money then to spend on clothes for your children (or just leaving him). You should not have to do this by the way. Its ridiculous. But its better than having to beg him for money for clothes for your children (and being told "no")

Oh fuck that.

My boyfriend would not give a fuck if I bought a new coat. or 10 of that for that matter.

Of course you need an appropriate coat for winter, that fits you!!! Especially when you dont drive and walk everywhere! £40 was a bloody bargain! Ignore him. I'd remind him that, " we re not that poor!!!"

Does he himself run around in a t-shirt?

To be eligible for 30 hours childcare you both need to be working.
However I do agree with a pp that you should start work and the childcare needs to be split not just out of your wage.
A good winter coat and shoes are essential items op and you paid very little for yours, wear it with joy.

A winter coat is essential. £40 is a bargain. He is financially abusive.

Also if he is saying he'll only do a budget once the debt is gone then he's a fucking idiot as well as financially abusive.

A budget can help you get out of debt. God he sounds insufferable OP.

The account is joint which is the weird thing. The joint account was Dh’s idea when i was pregnant with dc1.
The OP has explained about the bank account.

OP you need to have a serious talk with him and sort things out.
Of course a winter coat is an essential!
He's neglecting your children if he won't let you buy them shoes that fit and suitable clothes.
Look into the free hours again and start looking into getting back to work ASAP so that you either have more say and control over what you spend or are in a better position to get away from him.

I agree with pps op. You need to get away from this man.

Exh was just like this. I remember many, many years ago spending a couple of hundred £ on a new work wardrobe as I'd just landed a new job with a smart dress code. I did not hear the end if this for years. Every time I needed something new for myself or the kids he'd say that we can't afford that because of that spending , the amount I spent would increase each time he spoke about it too , I think it was up to £600 by the time I walked out...he still tells the kids about the time I spent £50 on moisturiser too. It was actually £12.99.

He's an alcoholic btw. There was always money for that.

Best advice? Make a plan and leave. You can't live this miserable life.

Look him dead in the eye and tell him there are words to describe a man who would hav his wife and kids dressed in rags and unsuitable clothes. Tell him you don't want to hear his whining anymore.

Personally I couldn't be financially dependent on a bloke like this, don't have any more babies to him.

think because if that time in his life is is scared of debt

Doesn't seem to be scared of debt when he's buying for himself though does he?

He's very into himself

Yes I think we all noticed that. It's called being a self centered tosser...

This is bordering on financial abuse.
Take steps towards financial independence because at the moment he has you over a barrel and judging by his behavior he knows it.

Do you have any idea how he came to be in debt the first time around? If it was anything to do with gambling/spending on alcohol etc then it could well be that he has started doing that again and so "needs" his money for other things. (Also the more grown-up version of gambling that is "investing" in bitcoin or reddit inpired trends). I know you have a joint account but if he is transferring his pay check from one account to the other you wouldnt know if he was keeping anything back. It might be worth checking, otherwise youc ould spend years scrimping and saving, denying yourself and the children to find out that there is nothing to show at the end of it because hes spaffed it all away.

I am really worried by the fact you are dreading going down to see him....over a coat....

I would sit together work out your monthly budget and even if you only have a spare £10 a month split it so every month you have your own money so can save to buy what you see fit and then he cannot moan.

I am really worried that you are so worried by him though hunny

He's worried you look too nice in it.
Post birth, staying at home, slowly reverting away from slackened baby body. It's a nice safe time for him.
But now you've got your form back, and rightly so, he's jealous. You look nice and other men will see that too when you go out.
You buying and liking the coat tells him he doesn't own you as much as he had gotten used to.
Twat.

I feel your pain, my ex was the same. He planned money around his habits not his family. I still feel guilty when I spend money on myself.

I agree it's just about financial abuse.

A coat is essential. Without it you can't go out of the house without risking getting pneumonia.

And having a job doesn't have to cover the cost of childcare, because he contributes too. It's a question of whether you can afford what it would cost from your combined income, factoring your happiness, independence and self-worth into the bargain, not just whether you would earn more than the cost of it.

A Coat in the winter is essential.

Could you maybe get a part time job in the evening? This is what I did when our children were younger, in fact I did it until they were teens. I worked 2/3 evenings a week and it gave us extra money and meant I didn’t feel guilty about not having my own money.