I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

I think you should give yourself a shake and not let him see that this is upsetting you. Be indignant. You have done nothing wrong in your relationship with him. Take a “how dare you speak to me like that” approach. Tell him that he knows where the door is. If he wanted to leave, I think he would have gone by now. If his ego is bruised, he needs to lick his wound and get over this himself!

How are you doing OP?

Thinking of ya OP. Not an easy time. Hope you're ok

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor
@PlinkPlink

Thank you for asking after me.

I'm not good tbh. Felt stronger yesterday. He was phoning me making small talk like nothing had happened and then he messaged saying he'll "try to put things out of my mind as best I can if you want to continue on" and can he come back at weekend.

Last night after doing some digging online I found that yesterday he had been bigging up some woman who's a presenter on a local YT channel. It's all public the comments and 'above board' ie there's no private messaging on YT and he doesn't have any other social media platforms. But he definitely admires her. He actually makes himself look like a sycophantic idiot, he doesn't even sound like him.

How can he be so ... I don't even have the words ... towards me and yet be acting like a smitten fan towards her.

Devastated.

Please please do not let him back on the weekend

You've come this far, stay strong 💪

Oh, OP. He's such an asshat. I'm sorry. Keep posting here, if it helps you stay strong.

He's acting like an idiot, and like he's doing you a massive favour considering coming back, etc. I know it's hard, but will you ever be able to look at him the same? You know what he's think of you now. You do not deserve that. None of it.

He acts like that because he’s immature and spineless. He’s starting to realise the reality of his actions. If you let him back then this will be your life. Under his thumb and waiting for the next round of accusations. This is an unhealthy relationship. You’ve seen his true nature. Stay strong. We won’t be in lockdown forever. Do your grieving now and when this is over you’ll be ready to get out there and live your life. In the meantime do not be his “go to”. He’s using you. Stop allowing him to small talk you. His arrogance is shocking. Message him back and say “thanks for the offer but no thanks. I’m not a bed and breakfast. You walked out for a reason so I think you should stay true to what you believe. I am” then watch him squirm. Fuck him. You deserve better than this arse.,

He’s starting to realise the reality of his actions. If you let him back then this will be your life. Under his thumb and waiting for the next round of accusations

Exactly.

Don’t get into lengthy emo texts. He wants a drama. Whatever he writes once you say no just reply “I hear you but the answer is still no” or “no it’s ok. You were right. We should stay split up. It’s best for you to have someone you can trust. I’ll just have to cope. Go with peace. I’m actually starting to enjoy having the house to myself so I’ll be ok thanks for thinking of me” be an absolute sarcastic cow. Dripping in sweet saccharine. This is YOUR moment

I'm just so so hurt. It's like a physical pain.

No I don't think I could be near him just now. I haven't replied re the asking to come back. I did hint that I'd seen the over the top fan posting to the woman but I didn't say it outright because I'm too weary to deal. He'll know I was 'stalking' him online. Well it's not actually stalking of course. They are public YT comments!! But it's on a YT channel that he's on that I have never ever taken the slightest interest in the discussion matter so he'll know I went looking.

I'm just done

Have you ever had support for your childhood trauma? Have you had therapy?

It's all been said about what a vile piece of shit he is - cos he really is. What I want to reassure you about is there is a real future for you as soon as you choose it. Honestly, just because you have been with him since you were young, yeah it is scary to break away but when, not if, you do that your life will blossom in ways you don't know just now. I had a long relationship in my early 20s and couldn't see how I would cope when I left, but it was the best time of my life afterwards. This is just the beginning, you will be better than fine, I promise you that. But you really have to ditch that cunt. I remember suddenly realizing men fancied me and I had no idea all that time I was in a shit relationship. I could suddenly do whatever I wanted and didn't have a dead weight dragging me down. It was a fucking revelation. I was so ground down by my ex being possessive I just didn't see my own worth. You're really quite young, waste no more time on the manipulative loser. Fly free darling. With love from a fellow survivor of abuse.

Yeah I have PTSD and I've had loads of therapy.

The things he said about me have really affected me. He's (was) the closest adult in my life for 14 years. For all his bad points, I never thought him capable of treating me like this.

I'm just done

Mean this. Don't let him back.

How can he be so ... I don't even have the words ... towards me and yet be acting like a smitten fan towards her.

Familiarity breeds contempt. He takes you for granted, that's why he thinks he can treat you like this. I bet he charmed you at first just like he's trying to do to her. Just a way to try and get what he wants.

He also doesn't see you as a person, but an object he owns. How dare you not act exactly as he wants- even before you met him!

--
Plus this sort of confirms some PP's suspicions that all this random behaviour is because he's just looking for an excuse to be free to see other people.

Either way, it doesn't reflect on you, it's just because he's not a nice person.

I know you feel beaten down and worn out but you have done so much with your life to move forward you don't deserve to consign yourself to the waste heap of a life with him.

He cannot unsay his filth.

He will never be able to have a drink without the possibility that he will bring this up again.
Would you ever feel truly comfortable with him again knowing that having spent 14 years with you he was capable of such filth.

He is utter scum.
Your 14 year old daughter has the measure of him.

Please think of her.
You know he is scum.
She knows it too.
Don't bring him back into the home.
If you can't do it for yourself.
Do it for your daughter who also sees him for the awful excuse of a man that he is.

Think of your legacy to your daughter, the example you want to be to her.

If she came to you with your story about her husband, what would your want her to do.
Would you want her to allow her husband back into her home, knowing how dreadfully he treats her.

Would you like her to model a strength she saw first hand from you, getting rid of an awful man who treated her appallingly.

You deserve better.
Your daughter deserves a strong role model in you.

Don't allow him to speak to you like he is prepared to return home, to deign to return, like he is bestowing some favour.

He's treated you like shit for years.
Show him you are worth 10 of him.
And you know it.🌻

Hi OP,

I’m very sorry to hear all you’ve gone through and now you have a cunt of a partner that’s said absolutely vile things to you! I can’t get over the peadophile comment, my mouth actually touched the floor!

Even though you’re worried about being on your own, it’s much better than staying with a disgrace of a man. Imagine if your 14 year old daughter had heard or seen some of the horrid things he’s been saying too you? Do you really want a man like that around your daughter who is close to the age you were abused?
You’re so young and shouldn’t waste another second on this piece of shit.
I do want to add though, not that you want to report it or give in to his demands(as is your right and yours only) Technically, if you wanted to report to the police, you could. At 16, you are legal. However it’s only legal if you sleep with a 16 or 17 year old. As soon as you hit 18, that’s when you can sleep with anyone over 18. Therefore it was rape and he could be prosecuted for sex with a minor!
I wish you all the best in your future and please don’t waste another minute on your “partner”.

@RatsolutelyFabulous If she's in the UK, the age of consent with anyone is 16.

Unless they are the person's teacher or something, in which case it's 18 I think.

@SoulofanAggron My mistake, I just googled it and you are correct about it only being if you are in a position of trust. Thank you for the insight. I do find it disgusting that it’s not classed as rape though. 16 is still a child and over 18 is an adult, very disturbing 😩

Wow, what a vile thing to say to you, so sorry, there is no coming back from that, make plans to separate, so sorry xx

Oh @packupmytroubles

I think you need a total break from him. This must be so hard - your lives are so entwined, but the more you post the worse he sounds.

He should be grovelling for forgiveness

He sounds like a judgemental bully who is using you to make him feel less of a failure about himself. He's putting you down to boost his own self worth whilst simultaneously fantasising over a woman on YT (is she younger per chance?). That is not love

In addition his behaviour is terrible role modelling for you children. Is this how you want your son to behave to women?

Take care of yourself and stay strong

@packupmytroubles

I'm just so so hurt. It's like a physical pain.

No I don't think I could be near him just now. I haven't replied re the asking to come back. I did hint that I'd seen the over the top fan posting to the woman but I didn't say it outright because I'm too weary to deal. He'll know I was 'stalking' him online. Well it's not actually stalking of course. They are public YT comments!! But it's on a YT channel that he's on that I have never ever taken the slightest interest in the discussion matter so he'll know I went looking.

I'm just done

I told you he'd be asking to come back if you don't play ball. Funny how now suddenly he can get over it.

However, after everything he put you through ,you can't and that's completely understandable.

To be fair, after this week his reasons are irrelevant, he's shown you so much spite ,cruelty and contempt,he's hurt you so much that the reasons don't even matter any more. Now you know exactly how low and far he can go.

I don't think I could come back from this, I'm so sorry op , what an utter betrayal 😔
Hope you are doing ok

My long post wouldn't load last night for which I think everyone will be grateful.
He said some shockingly vile things that cannot be unsaid. Sadly, if you let him back into your life, they will be said again next time he is p*ssed off. If you let him back you are giving him the message that it is OK to abuse you this way as you will forgive him.
If he genuinely believes the things he said, he is not going to be able to forget about them. If he doesn't believe them, then he really is the vilest of the vile, a turd on the pavement of life.
You are in a world of pain at the moment; if you reconcile it will ease a bit, but it will not go away as he will be a constant reminder to you of his words and you will be walking on eggshells, waiting for the next time. You have worked hard to rebuild your life, he will destroy it.
Take heart from the many posters who have escaped abusive relationships and thrived. You are young, obviously you are strong to have rebuilt your life. Be kind to yourself and leave him to stew in his vileness

OP, I know you said he's never done anything like this before but your counsellor already didn't like the sound of him and your daughter isn't a fan either. Stuff has happened before; people don't turn into absolute weapon level arseholes like this overnight, even if they have had a birthday. It's beyond that, the things he's said and the way he is weaponising this and making it all about him.

You want to go back to how it was, understandably, but how was it? How was it really?