I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Are you going to drive around with him trying to locate this man - presumably not!

I know this all seems seems impossible and overwhelming but you should really try and see how manipulative he is being here.

You say you want the pain to stop - the only way that will happen is if you accept that you cannot have a relationship with such a vile man and start acting accordingly,

Get fucking angry. How DARE he treat you like this!!

Get practical
Bag up all his shit and text him that it's outside waiting for him to collect before the bin men come.
The house is paid for by you and in your name, get him out from there.
Make an appointment to see a solicitor
Find out where you stand financially regarding child maintenance
Speak to work and explain the situation, they might be very supportive, you won't know unless you tell them.

Your DD's attitude to him is very telling - it sounds like she will be fully supportive of him leaving.
Talking of your DD, what would you say to her in a few years if she was being treated like this? What would you advise her to do? Put up and shut up? Keep being treated like a piece of shit? No, I don't think so. Do you want this to be a role model for her future behaviour?

You have so much going for you, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Look at what you've achieved and how you've managed to deal with all the crap you've had to deal with at such a young age. You should be being supported by your partner, not attacked.

See this man for what he is, and get rid.

You deserve so much better than this

No I told him where to go with the driving around.

I am angry, but I'm also overwhelmed and in shock.

The house in my name so easy to get him out, but he pays too, so not that easy.

DD I think doesn't like him because she is really mature for her age, she rolls her eyes at all his general posturing. His own mother lives him but is the same, always rolling her eyes at his ranting.

I know I'm a strong person, I've dealt with a lot, even more than I've put on here (not from him), but I'm tired of being strong, if that makes sense? I get depressed.

I can't believe he is trying to push you to revisit a place of huge trauma, both metaphorically (interrogating you about it yet punishing you for mentioning it) and literally (with the driving around). Sometimes someone does something so unforgivable that there is no going back. He has done that. I'm so sorry he has done this

I suspect, and I could be wrong, that him turning 40 (from what you've said) has brought some of this on.
He's now in the same decade as the man who took advantage of you.
So, if he's at all decent (most men are, to be fair) the thought of being not that much older than he is now, and sleeping with someone not much older than your daughter, would have revolted him NOW far more than it would have as a mid-20s man

Yes I think so. Add in his other significant issues, that he feels a failure as he has good qualifications but hasn't used them like his family (I don't care about this, but they do and he does).

It is unforgivable though. The worst thing is that he's not even considering my feelings at all.

I'm not blaming myself, but I (accidentally) brought it up at the wrong time.

@packupmytroubles

It's disturbing that you've been trained to think you should have sex with someone who has hurt you in order to "fix" things. Really disturbing

I don't think it's that, I think it's like that 'hysterical bonding' thing I've heard about after someone has an affair.

And why do I want him back? Part of me does, because he's all I know, only real relationship I've ever had, it's been a long time, I can't turn off love, I'm worried about residency issues, mostly I just want the pain to stop .

I know I should leave. I want to. I'm so angry at how he isn't caring how much he's hurting me, it's all about him.

Yes, still in contact, sad to say mainly initiated by me in hurt, like how could you etc. He keeps changing the goalposts like first it was it's over, then I can only move on if you contact the police (I said I can't there's technically no crime), then yesterday he said unless I go with him today to drive around the area the man lived and try to find him then we are over. I was particularly disgusted when he said I'm being 'deceptive' because I cannot remember his name or address.

Of course he keeps changing the goalposts. None of them are realistic or reasonable,just designed to keep you in your place and on the wrong foot. Then he has even more ammo. He gave you all these "chances" ,offered "solutions " but you just wouldn't do it.

You need to understand that none of this is about fixing the relationship or making things better. It's all designed to make you the villain of the story and him the wronged party. Same pattern of behaviour he has with his parents,work,bosses etc.

You need to put an end to his demands or explain/make excuses as to why you can't meet them. Tell him no and that he has no right to ask this from you. He can get over it or not, but you are not his performing monkey .

Remember he should be apologising to you, and trying to win YOU BACK.

I'm so sorry, OP.

I'm horrified and sad that someone who is supposed to love and care for you has turned on you in this manner. This isn't about you. This is about him. And it says terrible things about him, not you.

You don't deserve this. And I hope you find the strength to tell him to get to fuck.

He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile.

My god, he's vile. I hope you find the strength to leave. You deserve more than this disgusting man, who is throwing trauma in your face.

I'm so angry for you.

@billy1966

Oh and OP, only sleezy losers go after 18 year olds when they are 25.

He's a creep. Always was.

Perhaps your story hit a nerve with him...too close to home.

Huge red flag.

I was 18 when I met my ex, who was just under 26.

I left him 30 years later, he was abusive, and I can see the power imbalance that the age gap when we met was attractive to him.

I don't think you can come back from this, he is showing his vile colours. Don't be like me, OP, I wasted too many years.

I don’t think I could be with someone who blames victims for their abuse. Even if it was not aimed at me.

Yeah I just told him where to go with the demands.

He keeps using the word "apparently" , like apparently I don't remember his name or address. I am fucking livid at that.

He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile

My god this is disgusting. I could cry for you and punch him for you OP, how dare he say such a thing. Disgusting, misogynist, victim blaming, abusive cunt.

The more you say the vile your do sounds.

Him saying he put it out of his mind to be with you beggars belief. How dare he manipulate you into feeling grateful when he is clearly a moody fucker that is treating you very badly.

If he feels that strongly, he wouldn't have slept with you on Friday and made you feel awful after. He basically used you and took advantage in the same way.

He is making this all about him. He is seriously messing with your recovery despite how hard you've worked to get over things. It is completely unforgivable. If he truly loves you he wouldn't be trying to break you like this. It really is quite sick and abusive. Is he generally controlling? Likes to have his own way? This all comes across as a power play to ensure you're easily managed in the future.

So he's an idiot as well as vile then?

What does he honestly think the man would be charged with? You were over 16, and even if you were 15 when the sexual relationship started, if you confirmed it was consensual it's highly unlikely he would have been charged with anything.

You probably would have been closely questioned by a female police officer to ascertain as much as possible that you weren't being coerced, and advised how to contact police etc if you did feel like you were being forced in the future. That's it.

Please don't let someone so vile back into your life. Teach your DC by your actions to value themselves.

@grapewine

He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile.

My god, he's vile. I hope you find the strength to leave. You deserve more than this disgusting man, who is throwing trauma in your face.

I'm so angry for you.

Is that how he'd describe your daughter too if the same thing happened to her in a year or two?

Would he blame her for being groomed by a man that should know better?

If yes he's a hateful misogynist, if not then sadly it's just you he dislikes
He sounds like at utter arsehole

I wonder if the age of your DD is relevant? He’s looking at her and feeling disgusted with himself for his adult relationship with a girl not much older?

There was certainly some if this in my case, looking back. My ex wS abusive to the DC, and more so to DD, which began to escalate the closer she got to 18, the age I was when I met ex. And looking back, it's obvious I was the more mature one in the early years, he could be so immature, and wS still somewhat immature when I left.

OP, this man is vile, and I really think the relationship is over from your side. I think his behaviour is all about getting you in a place where he can feel superior.

If he feels that strongly, he wouldn't have slept with you on Friday and made you feel awful after. He basically used you and took advantage in the same way

He never slept with me. Well he went to bed after it was said but it was after midnight. That's actually the hurtful part, that he didn't. We always have sex on a Saturday morning, because the DC go to grandparents til lunch (our bubble) and it's the only time we get alone outside work. He got up, got dressed straight away. That was hurtful.

I just want to say this is appalling behaviour
And it’s not acceptable
We could spend hours going into why and how , but it’s pointless

He is abusive towards you because you were abused , you can’t move past that fact

I would personally stop even engaging with this ridiculous shit

Whatever you decide is your choice

But his behaviour is 100% unacceptable and wrong and indefensible

He has no rights to your house as it’s in your name. Don’t let him back. Change the locks. He won’t get residency, he has no house of his own, you do. Also, at your ds’ age, he gets some say.

I can’t see your relationship recovering from this. He wants you to undo the past (why do so many men seem to need this?!) and you can’t. Why should you? Oh, and he’s a sulky sex pest? Just beautiful!

Was he a virgin when you met? What about the women who his sperm was once in? Do they have to confine themselves to a convent because they are now tainted by his dna??
What if, instead of just being a bit of a creep, your ex became some kind of saintly philanthropist? Is his dna still dirty?

"Do not give your past the power to define your future"

Although leaving him is definitely the long term objective, in the short term can you arrange things so that he looks after DS whilst you’re at work but then goes back to PIL? Try & get a default set-up of you & DC in the house & him staying at his parents.

You sound like a strong person, you will get through this. If you have any doubts or indecision, think what you would advise your DD. 💐

How cruel is he...you must be livid! You have been through quite a few traumatic experiences and instead of listening to you and being supportive he is berating you for something that happened years ago. I would tell him to sling his hook!

I'm so sad I got myself into this position.

@packupmytroubles You didn't do anything except have a partner. You weren't to know he'd turn out to be a misogynistic twat who uses you as a punching bag to help him feel better about himself.

I wouldn't let him hurt you anymore- take back control and be the one to draw the line and finish with him for good. Then have as little contact with him as possible- you don't deserve how he's talking to you and it's not ok.

I don't have the strength I suppose because I love him.

Get even more rightfully angry and you will stop loving him. How he's acting isn't ok.

I kind of want to, to try 'fix' things, but I'm too fragile to cope if he rejected me even slightly.

Bin him first, don't give him the opportunity.

I do feel really fragile and like I need to protect myself.

Absolutely- not because you're fragile in a bad way but because he's not treating you well.

if he had remembered he'd have never stayed with me 14 days let alone 14 years and would never have had DC with me.

This is horrible. Please don't let him come home for the foreseeable- this is something that'd need months of him making it up to you.

And that would only be worth doing if he wasn't often obnoxious anyway, which it sounds like he is in a fair few ways. Even his own mum sees he's a joke.

I can't turn off love

You can with time and thought. Keep thinking of the awful things he's said and his lame and mockworthy traits.

I suspect, and I could be wrong, that him turning 40 (from what you've said) has brought some of this on. He's now in the same decade as the man who took advantage of you. So, if he's at all decent (most men are, to be fair) the thought of being not that much older than he is now, and sleeping with someone not much older than your daughter, would have revolted him NOW far more than it would have as a mid-20s man

Yes but so the average dad/40+ guy would be grossed out at the dirty 'old' man, not take it out on the woman who was the girl.

He keeps using the word "apparently" , like apparently I don't remember his name or address. I am fucking livid at that.

I'm glad you're livid. So misogynistic, randomly mistrusting you.

He is a failure, but not in the way he thinks he is.

I'm sorry I don't believe his sudden revulsion with this.
He is up to something.

There is more to this than meets the eye. If he is using this as some kind of excuse to leave or punish you it's beyond hurtful, pure cruelty, and shows a complete lack of care towards you.

No one and I mean no one should ever hear, or say those words he chose about' left overs of a paedophile'.

Shocking, truly shocking and unforgivable.

for you