I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

[quote packupmytroubles]@Meowtha I see what you mean but it's not as simple as that. I work 5 evenings til late (not changeable). He looks after ds (11). If I threw him out, he'd end up having ds most overnights at his (either new place or his parents) cause of my work, and possibly get custody of him because of that. dd (14) just does her own thing, she could be left on evenings, but not with DS, at least not yet.[/quote]
How late ?

Could you afford a baby sitter ? Any family members that could help? What about your MIL minding him at your house? Or at her house but even if he's living there make it clear the arrangement is with her.

Can you try at least a conversation with work and see if there's any change of site or hours available? Explain the situation so they know it's not on a whim.

Any chance of you getting a different job?

This won't be forever either, only until your son is a bit older to be left alone/with your DD.

Ok.

Then let's box clever.

Could you look for a daytime job? Is there a reason you don't already do one - of course everything is much harder now but at these ages, it could be made to work. They could theoretically be alone for the time between school finishing and you coming home.

Powder dry, daytime job, tell him to stay away for now, plan your escape?

5pm - 9pm X 5 days plus cover for holidays etc of split shifts.

I can't change hours. It's the needs of the service.

No family within 20 miles or so and they have their own lives.

PIL have very serious health issues (cancer etc).

I could try look for a job with better hours, but I don't know if I'd get one in the current climate.

I'm so sad I got myself into this position.

@packupmytroubles

5pm - 9pm X 5 days plus cover for holidays etc of split shifts.

I can't change hours. It's the needs of the service.

No family within 20 miles or so and they have their own lives.

PIL have very serious health issues (cancer etc).

I could try look for a job with better hours, but I don't know if I'd get one in the current climate.

I'm so sad I got myself into this position.

Is your job far away? Are you contactable by phone? 4 hours wouldn't be that long to leave them especially if they are sensible children, but it depends how much tome the commute would add to the times .

Any friends of yours or parents of his friends that would be willing to have him for a few hours? Or with an older (sensible)teen looking to make some money?

Have a look anyways either at other cleaning jobs if that's what you're comfortable with or a different day job. You don't have to fully commit to a decision right this moment.

There might be absolutely no other options,there might be. You need a clear head to consider it all.

@packupmytroubles

This is exactly why I'm afraid to even tell my OH about my groomer when I was 15. Your OH has reacted exactly how I would hate to be reacted to. I had enough of it when I was assaulted later on in life. People's reactions were not great and I cannot express the damage it did. To the point it made me doubt myself so much.

Nowadays, I kick myself and remember it was NOT my fault.

I'm so sorry he's reacted this way. It feels awful. Even when you KNOW you were never in the wrong, that insult is just so utterly degrading.

You are strong though OP, you've survived so much. And you have your kids to keep you going too. You will survive this too.

@packupmytroubles

He has our youngest ds about 50% of the time whilst I work, well working around both our works (I work evenings as a cleaner). So out with school time (obviously not just now), he does normally a bit more childcare than me and about half the cleaning. That's what worries me.

The eldest can't be bothered with him. I think she sees through his arrogance and superiority complex. This annoys him.

I worry for residency of DS though.

I feel numb again. He keeps texting about finding the man and reporting him. He was a vile man who definitely had a perchant for young vulnerable women, but DP really is making this all about him, the 'conditions' he can stay with me.. feel like he's went unhinged.

So he has your youngest when he's in bed?

Get legal advice but doesn't sound too worrying.

It definitely sounds like he wants a way out and this seems like a massive over reaction on his part. Sorry his reaction is so awful!

I had a relationship with someone older when I was 16 too, although the guy was 25 so not a huge gap. I then also got a long term boyfriend after that and he couldn't deal with the fact I had been with someone else, he said I was his left overs and said the guy had just used me and why would he ever want me after what I had done. It was so odd, I found myself apologising profusely for something I did completely willingly! I didn't think he could cope with the man being older than both of us and that I had dared be with another man when he was very insecure that I was his only sexual partner. It's not too similar but it is very hurtful to be told these things!

Your kids should be fine at that time of night for 4 hours op - But obviously you know your kids best

They say scum like him look for women like you. A certain type...Regardless of whether you realize it or not you possibly gave off a vibe that said I am vulnerable, need protecting, or look I am easy to control. They go for young women, They test the water for years sometimes and as long as you play ball it's okay, but don't you dare raise your head or have different opinions, and yes I have been there with my ex. I thought I was great at 17 with a man of 23, until many years later, isolated from my family by him I realized it was cos he wanted a young thing with family difficulties to control and mold..

Next time he opens his vile mouth, just reply sure you were obviously the same as my abuser, you went for me when I was young and vulnerable too. Pot calling kettle black much. Should I report you too?

I am so so sorry this has happened to you and I hope you will be okay xxxx

I do t really have any practical advice, but feel strongly that you need to remember that None of this is your fault and that your partner ought to be thoroughly ashamed of himself. He is frankly no better than the abusers in your past.

My work is an hour commute, but yes contactable by phone.

I don't have friends here and don't speak to any of their friend's mums anymore.

I'll look for other work.

Hopefully soon they'll be if age.

I can't sleep.

Had a dream we were back in our old house and having sex. Don't have to guess at what that means.

It's strange this feeling of so angry but also so hurt. We stopped texting at teatime last night and he still saying it's over for him.

I do think he will stay though, after a while. Maybe not. He needs me in a way. But I'm starting to see that I fill a role for him and if he found someone else more 'worthy' he'd probably leave now, whereas before he probably wouldn't.

I think he'll have gone off me and things won't be the same.

I can't stand that. I cannot keep going through this. If he cannot deal with it properly I'd rather we split.

I think I want to leave him for the devastating things he's said about me and how he's made my trauma all about him and not shown one iota of care for my feelings. I'm still in shock though I think.

I’m so sorry, OP. What he’s said and done can never be undone.

He won’t leave you over this, he’ll just make your life miserable. And that is far worse. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you. The support on here has meant a lot.

Yeah that's what I'm afraid of - that he won't leave but instead this will keep coming up and he'll treat me like shit. It hurts me so much that he won't see me the same.

He said yesterday that he had put it out of his head like a car crash, because otherwise it would have been terminal, and me saying it made him remember. I was at that. He fucking knew.

I should leave. I don't have the strength I suppose because I love him. It's just so strange, I'm used to his usual moodiness, he's honestly not abusive before. I've read all the signs of abuse and he does very very few of them if any. I know I can't keep going through this though so I will hopefully get up the courage.

You don’t have to do anything now. You just need to make sure that you don’t start internalising what he’s saying to you and about you, just because you don’t have the capacity to leave yet.

Try not to talk about this with him, and try not to let things go back to ‘normal’. Just start living your own life, even if it has to be under the same roof for now.

I’m so sorry you are going through all this OP. You are such a strong, amazing woman. To have had all those awful experiences in your past and be able to move on with your life is just incredible. If you must, you can do it again. You and your children deserve so much better than this. Please look after yourself, he’s proven just how unbelievably selfish and uncaring he his.

OP, this is horrible and I do sorry he is treating you like this. He needs to be supporting you. Can he get some help for how he's feeling? He's very wrong here. for you

@TheStoic

You don’t have to do anything now. You just need to make sure that you don’t start internalising what he’s saying to you and about you, just because you don’t have the capacity to leave yet.

Try not to talk about this with him, and try not to let things go back to ‘normal’. Just start living your own life, even if it has to be under the same roof for now.

I think I am internalising what he's been saying a bit. I'm trying not to, but I do feel it definitely, like dirty or comparing myself to other (imaginary) women and his exes. Then I feel angry because I did so much work on myself to heal, how dare he make it all about him. Then I feel sad because he obviously doesn't care about hurting me.

You are right, I think that's the only way out of this, to start living my own life.

Should I have sex with him though?? It really hurt me because we always have sex on a Saturday morning cause that's when the DC go to their grandparents for a few hours. Like always. After they'd left he jumped straight out of bed and got dressed. Made me feel so dirty. I kind of want to, to try 'fix' things, but I'm too fragile to cope if he rejected me even slightly.

Also we have a hobby we do together, perhaps I should not participate.

I do feel really fragile and like I need to protect myself.

I’m so sorry that someone so close to you would use past abuse against you.

I’m wondering if he is now looking back and having issues with his own behavior when you first met. Given that you’d just escaped an abusive situation with an older man and he was pretty significantly older, I can imagine that he might now see his own behavior and the age gap with very different eyes.

If you didn’t have children I’d say you should block him as he’s being very abusive.

You’re going to feel shocked and hurt and all kinds of bad feelings. But you need to protect yourself from him now and recognize that you don’t deserve this treatment. It might help you to imagine another woman in your shoes. It’s very easy to see if you step outside of the situation, that none of us who have experienced childhood abuse deserve to have someone like him or anyone else speaking to us this way. We didn’t cause our own abuse and are not the ones that should feel ashamed.

I’m so sorry. This has absolutely horrified me. I had inappropriate ‘relationships’ with much older men and I realised each time after a short while they were living with partners / married. I was at school with the first and he was I’d say mid 30’s so I was 15, perhaps 16. The last I was 19/20 and him well into his 40’s. It was a pattern I’d grown accustomed to, if you will and had no respect for myself.

When I was 16, my grandmother’s boyfriend incapacitated me. I managed to fight him off. That was awful. By the ease of what he did, it was clear this was very very far from being the first time. As I screamed at him to get out, he kept on saying, ‘this is our little secret’.

I think back to this time in my life and how I felt. I was so young and naive at 16 and over the next couple of years at 18, when you met him. No way could you ever have been blamed.

What he said to you is totally unforgivable. For me, this would be over and I’m definitely not an ltb.

Does your husband not understand your dd is nearly that age? How would he react if this happened to her? Or if one of his mates groomed and seduced your dd? For this is exactly what he is saying, he’s 40 after all. Misogynistic prick. He is making a judgment not just about you but about your female child if she ever wound up in this situation. This is sick.

I agree with this very astute comment: He’s lashing out because you have spoilt the sick fantasy he had of seducing a young girl.

Please please don’t forgive him or have sex with him. He has just told you who he really is. He is horrible. Please believe him.

Can you contact citizens advice?

Handhold op sorry you are going through this.

Re the job, it’s not the best time at the moment but if you are a cleaner how about going out on your own and moving into domestic cleaning? You can set your own hours and hourly rate, your products will be tax deductible and as things start to open up things will pick up again. If you decide not to leave straight away you could take time to build up your client base, but either way you can lose the hour commute. It also means you can be more flexible for your kids if necessary.

Good luck

@ScreamingBeans

My first thought is that he's having an affair or has done something appalling and is using this to try and gain a negotiating lever.

Otherwise it's just baffling, you told him about what happened when you were a child, his current behaviour is abusive and vile.

I'm sorry he's letting you down so badly. I don't think you can "try" to save this relationship because he clearly has the intention of always holding this over you as some kind of trump card. It's finished. I'm really sorry.

Yep, he's grasped onto this for some other reason.

I 100% agree with ScreamingBeans.

This is a red herring.

I think you need to take control op, as shitty as you feel at the moment. He's treating you appallingly and will be causing as much damage as the event itself.

You are right, abs I agree with other posters, he's laying the foundations for something and when he has his ducks in a row, he'll be off light a shot. Don't get blindsided by this, start to make your own plans, if it's a hobby group, find another, start making plans to leave, stop engaging with him. If he starts to mention it again just tell him he's said he's leaving so no need to discuss it.

I think his attitude is un-salvageable to be honest. Why are you 'tainted' by a past relationship, but he remains pure? Ok, your past relationship wasn't entirely healthy, but at 16 who's is!?