I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

You poor thing. Honestly I would stop worrying about the impact it will have on your relationship and LTB!

His reaction is unforgivable. Is he upset because he thinks you consented to sex with a 48 year old or because he believes you were abused? If it’s the first it’s none of his business, and if the second then that is a horribly misogynistic victim-blaming attitude.

Have there been any clues over the years that he holds these abhorrent attitudes towards women OP?

OP,

He sounds like a very nasty abusive man who isn't happy with himself and is using you as his punching bag.

Do not entertain him in any way.
It sounds as if this could be a blessing for you to see exactly the sort of loser he is.

Get organised and make plans for your future.

He doesn't deserve you.
He isn't good enough for you.

Well done for getting through so much.
You sound like a great woman and much stronger than the waster you married.

Are you "better" now OP?

Better than you were, stronger,more accomplished,confident etc?

If it's not an excuse to get out, then he's using it to put you "lower" than him and make himself feel better about his own failures. He's the big man now, hold all the cards and you need to work hard and keep him and win him back while he takes comfort in the fact that he's better than you and no matter how "low" he is he'll never be as low as you. Not just that but he can be your "saviour" again, the nice forgiving man, the supporter etc which is he's pushing you to go to the police. You'll be the victim,he'll be the good man standing by your side and any future failings can be blamed on how "stressful and heartbreaking " this was.

He. Can. Get. To. Fuck.

His behaviour is disgraceful. I'd be wanting to tell him I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who had revealed themselves to be such a disgusting misogynistic excuse for a human being.

You weren't in a relationship with an older man, you were a child who was abused by an adult man.

He's revealed that he thinks sex devalues women, that they're men's property. He's trying to punish and shame you for being abused, trying to bully you into subjecting yourself to a traumatic process by reporting to the police (which should always be a victim's free choice).

You met this man at 18 when he was 25. You were traumatised and had a history of sexual exploitation and abuse that felt normal to you. He had much more life and world experience. He targeted you as an easily controlled prize, because it was easy for him to come off as comparatively better than what you'd been through before and your perspective was badly distorted.

I'm sorry to say but he sounds as bad as the other man who preyed upon you. I suspect if you unpicked things this would be apparent from more than just this current outburst.

He's vile and I wouldn't want such a disgusting person around my children.

I find it really hard to imagine this reaction has come out of no where. Does he display other misogynistic/controlling tendencies? I agree with pp this is a form of abuse, using something from your past to hurt and humiliate you. A normal reaction from a partner would be concern and support.

As an aside, our laws on sexual violence and abuse are constantly evolving. What may have been legal at one time (trafficking, marital rape, coercive control, teachers grooming their students...) is not legal now. There are abusive and sexually violent actions that are not currently legislated against but hopefully will be one day.

The mere fact that at a particular point in time here was no criminal offence on our (extremely fallible) statute books does not change the nature of that act into something acceptable or non-abusive.

The question of what our legal processes consider proof, are able to prove, or will take action against are separate again.

A 48 year old man engaging in sexual acts with a 16 year old child has always been an act of sexual violence.

His reaction is unforgivable. Is he upset because he thinks you consented to sex with a 48 year old or because he believes you were abused? If it’s the first it’s none of his business, and if the second then that is a horribly misogynistic victim-blaming attitude I think a bit of both. He used the words "you willingly gave yourself to" but also alluded to it being abuse. It's a grey area.

Have there been any clues over the years that he holds these abhorrent attitudes towards women OP? No. No clues. Which is why it's so weird.

I am sorry that you have been abused .You have gone through such an awful lot, and done well to rebuild your life.None of this is your fault! I wonder is as PP says ,he is trying to put you down as it were to make himself feel big and important(he is neither BTW!) by being you "saviour" again .I cannot see how anyone could possibly feel that an abused Teenage girl, is in any way responsible for a middle aged man hitting on her! I really feel for you .I think he is having some sort of mid life crisis and taking it out on you .If his family are more successful than him he is taking his own feelings of failure and projecting them on to you FFS!

He's being a complete selfish dickhead making it all about him. He needs to grow the fuck up and support you rather than internalizing it and having a piss fit.
To be honest I'd leave him be, if he can't come round and see sense and apologise he's really not worth the hassle to be with.
Sorry your having to deal with this extra child in the relationship, your past doesn't have to be your future. Hope it works out somehow.

If it's not an excuse to get out, then he's using it to put you "lower" than him and make himself feel better about his own failures. He's the big man now, hold all the cards and you need to work hard and keep him and win him back while he takes comfort in the fact that he's better than you and no matter how "low" he is he'll never be as low as you. Not just that but he can be your "saviour" again, the nice forgiving man, the supporter etc which is he's pushing you to go to the police. You'll be the victim,he'll be the good man standing by your side and any future failings can be blamed on how "stressful and heartbreaking " this was

Thank you for this. I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

He feels bitter and bad about himself for getting older (recent birthday) and not achieving much. His siblings have achieved success but he hasn't and left many jobs through laziness and not getting on with colleagues, he now does what would be considered a 'low' job for his qualifications, because he can work without a boss. His parents don't really bring it up but they see him as a failure the few times they have said anything. He makes plans to do this or that which never happen.

I never have made him feel bad, and no I'm not accomplished or 'better' in any way.

You are so correct in your description of what I think is going on. It went from I have to leave you, I cannot be with you, to being I can only get closure if you go to the police. He said some awful things about me . But no, he's never been misogynistic before. I think me making that comment at a trigger time for him was the catalyst.

He now has his phone off

He'd never consider counselling at all. I think he should and his mum thinks he should (for other issues) but he'd never agree to it.

So he'd rather be dysfunctional, unhappy and make the people around him unhappy, than sit in a room for an hour a week and talk?

If it came to it, he values his marriage so little, that it's not worth an hour a week?

OK. That tells you what his life and relationship with you is worth to him.

@packupmytroubles

If it's not an excuse to get out, then he's using it to put you "lower" than him and make himself feel better about his own failures. He's the big man now, hold all the cards and you need to work hard and keep him and win him back while he takes comfort in the fact that he's better than you and no matter how "low" he is he'll never be as low as you. Not just that but he can be your "saviour" again, the nice forgiving man, the supporter etc which is he's pushing you to go to the police. You'll be the victim,he'll be the good man standing by your side and any future failings can be blamed on how "stressful and heartbreaking " this was

Thank you for this. I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

He feels bitter and bad about himself for getting older (recent birthday) and not achieving much. His siblings have achieved success but he hasn't and left many jobs through laziness and not getting on with colleagues, he now does what would be considered a 'low' job for his qualifications, because he can work without a boss. His parents don't really bring it up but they see him as a failure the few times they have said anything. He makes plans to do this or that which never happen.

I never have made him feel bad, and no I'm not accomplished or 'better' in any way.

You are so correct in your description of what I think is going on. It went from I have to leave you, I cannot be with you, to being I can only get closure if you go to the police. He said some awful things about me . But no, he's never been misogynistic before. I think me making that comment at a trigger time for him was the catalyst.

He now has his phone off

I meant "better" and more accomplished than you were when he got together.

Your relationship will not survive (in a safe,healthy and non toxic way) unless he's willing to put the work in. Him. Not in. He needs therapy, he needs to deal with and accept his failings and move on.

Whatever you do,do not beg,do not give in,do not make promises.You're not in the wrong here. He is. For leaving,for the things he said, for blaming you. He should be asking for forgiveness,not you.

I know the fear and instinctual reaction is to try and hold on tightly, but if you do that you'll always have it hanging over your head.

What I would do (and I know it's fucking easy to type it when it's someone else's life at stake) is send him a message saying "Look, this is my past and my trauma and I've put the work in, dealt with and moved on. You need to move on too and if you can't then that is your choice. I can't fix this for you ,only you can. "

Tbh, I don't see how YOU could possibly move past this and his behaviour, but we're all different.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the more you think about things, the more you'll notice signs of him being misogynistic, just under the surface or hidden behind jokes or a twisted saviour complex, something.

In my experience, and from the studies I've read, men don't suddenly turn into fully fledged abusive dickheads, they've always been like that. They keep it under wraps or their partner is too downtrodden to notice, because it's little drips over time that erodes her. Eventually the little drips aren't enough to keep her down, because humans are resilient and able to withstand a lot without breaking. And thus, the mask slips.

@avocadospringseternal

His behaviour is disgraceful. I'd be wanting to tell him I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who had revealed themselves to be such a disgusting misogynistic excuse for a human being.

You weren't in a relationship with an older man, you were a child who was abused by an adult man.

He's revealed that he thinks sex devalues women, that they're men's property. He's trying to punish and shame you for being abused, trying to bully you into subjecting yourself to a traumatic process by reporting to the police (which should always be a victim's free choice).

You met this man at 18 when he was 25. You were traumatised and had a history of sexual exploitation and abuse that felt normal to you. He had much more life and world experience. He targeted you as an easily controlled prize, because it was easy for him to come off as comparatively better than what you'd been through before and your perspective was badly distorted.

I'm sorry to say but he sounds as bad as the other man who preyed upon you. I suspect if you unpicked things this would be apparent from more than just this current outburst.

He's vile and I wouldn't want such a disgusting person around my children.

This ^^ a million times over. He sounds awful OP, I’m so sorry he’s put you in this position

Tbh, I don't see how YOU could possibly move past this and his behaviour, but we're all different.

Agreed

I am so sorry he has behaved like this and the way he is treating you is unacceptable. He should be loving you and supporting you rather than blaming you for what happened which is totally unfair.

You poor, poor thing @packupmytroubles. I was abused by an older man as a teenager. Different situation by the sounds of it, but I had a lot of unresolved trauma from it even many years later (still do, despite therapy and a lot of love). My husband has never once been anything but supportive and kind, he’s let me talk about it, taken care of me and helped me. That’s what it’s supposed to look like. You’ve done nothing wrong.

If you have family that you can call upon, take the children and go and stay with them. You deserve better than this. How dare he say things like that to you. So disgusting. You are no less of a person than you were before this happened to you. That’s not how anything works.

Good luck.

Op he's a fucking moron.

God he is behaving in an unforgivable way. I suggest you let him do the running now, just assume he has left. When he contacts you ask if he is collecting his things or if he wants you to put them in bags outside the door. His misogyny is vile.

OP, I have been in a position similar to you.

Abused at 6.
Groomed at 14 and ended up in a relationship with a 42 year old man.

He knew my age. He knew what he was doing. I thought I did in my naivety. I thought I knew what I was doing.

Years later I look back and realise how fucked up it was and how little I knew. I didn't realise I was being groomed. I felt at the time like it was my choice. But I've since learnt that men like that know how to pick our vulnerable girls. They just know.

It was not your fault and I would say you were most likely groomed. No one really knows what they're doing at 15 or 16 especially if they've been abused in their past. It completely skews your perspective

Your OH is projecting on to you I think. Totally ignorant of the trauma of that situation and projecting his own issues on to you. Maybe he is depressed. Maybe he does want to leave but he's using that as an awful way to distance himself from you.

I would suggest some time out for you both...you can both re-assess things then

Agree with @AccidentallyOnPurpose that it’s his problem. You’ve put in the work at your end and faced your demons in counselling and come through it.

He has his own issues that he’s making you the whipping boy for. He needs to get counselling to get through it.

As Accidentally said, it’s easy for us to say this, but don’t be running back to him. I’d be bolting the door. If you do get back you will be his whipping boy whenever he likes. You’ll think that having him at home is better than nothing but you will soon realise it’s not and that life without him would be less stressful and emotionally punishing for you.

Do you have a job? Whose name is the house in? You need to sort out that kind of stuff and he can stay it’s his family until he’s recovered from his mid life crises and had professional help.

You deserve better than him tbh.

I'm sorry for your childhood trauma. I'm sorry that your husband is so awful. If I were you I wouldn't be thinking of being "us" again. I'd be assessing whether I could forgive him his actions. And I don't think I could. His position is clearing all about him and not you at all. The stance of "I can forgive if you go to the police" is so ludicrous as to be laughable. At the end of the day at 16 you had a consensual relationship with two adult men. One 42 and another 23 (you said your husband was 7 years older? So he was an adult man having sex with a teenager just as much as the other guy was) From a legal standpoint as you were of legal age and you agree that you gave full consent and weren't groomed- both he and the older man had sex with you? Why is the older man criminal and he not? There's no logic to his argument and his attitude and the things he has said about you are unforgivable imo.

He's a cheeky shit. He's acting like you've done something wrong. Don't apologise to him or chase him.
Let him come crawling or tell him to fuck right off.

Op I'm so sorry for what you've experienced- at 16 and with your husband reaction.

I don't get it, how is you having a consensual (albeit unusual and you have acknowledged abuse of a potentially vulnerable person) relationship before him grounds for him to leave you or not be able to look at you. So weird!!!

I agree with pps - he's using this to feel superior.

I mean what's he told his parents when he's rocked up? "I'm so angry and cross, my long term girlfriend and mother of my kids had a perfectly legal albeit odd relationship with an older man when she was a vulnerable teen... which has absolutely no impact on our relationship or her as a person now. THE HORROR"
If it were my parents they'd be like " and what's it for to do with you, stop being a prat and go home to her and your children"

He's making it all about him. I hope you're ok lovely! Xxx

AccidentallyOnPurpose is right.
This turning on you is a smokescreen.
You've had counselling, you've tackled tough stuff. You are the stronger one here. You, in fact, are the rescuer. In your DP, you rescued a wounded older man. For reasons you probably know.
To me it sounds like this was going to happen regardless. You unwittingly provided a good opportunity for him to trigger his attack. I'd even wonder might he even have led you into that conversation that caused the row.
He was waiting for an opportunity to turn on you. Like the teenager blaming his mother. The subject matter of your teenage incident, is a red herring and of less significance than it seems.
He blames the outside world for all his problems. He rejects responsibility or anything that hints at his adultness.
He's gone home to Mummy. There's a surprise, not.
This has much much less to do with you than you think.
So take heart, you did nothing wrong. Let him cool off. I suspect this 'episode' he is having will blow over, but it's got little or nothing to do with you. It's the inner attack turned outwards. You did nothing wrong.
Get angry at his treatment of you, the horrible undeserved verbal assault on you, and the position he has put you in with the kids. Don't cover for him. Demand an apology and that he go yo counselling himself for anger management.
He's a mature adult acting like a kid.