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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

233 replies

packupmytroubles · 14/02/2021 10:28

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 16/02/2021 03:24

Kick him out permanently... who you were before meeting him is fook all to do with him... cheeky prick

OP you are worthy of love and respect always 🌺

Florelei · 16/02/2021 08:03

The ‘leftovers of a paedophile’ comment hit me right in the stomach like a physical blow when I read it. So I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.

I’m not sure there can be any way back for your relationship. I certainly could never trust him again.

EspressoExpresso · 16/02/2021 08:13

He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile

This struck me as a really bizarre (and totally horrendous unforgivable) thing to say, especially since throughout you've referred to it as a consensual relationship.

I am the last person to dramatise or extrapolate wild theories, but is there any way he could have been accessing child abuse images himself? His attitude and reaction towards this almost feels like he's doing it to achieve something, he's protesting too much as if to divert attention.

I'm so sorry you've been through the things you have in the past, and that they're affecting your life now. You're stronger than you realize Flowers

PlinkPlink · 16/02/2021 08:51

How are you today OP?

Original poster
packupmytroubles · 16/02/2021 12:55

EspressoExpresso
No, I have no concerns like that about him.

PlinkPlink

I'm a bit less in shock, thanks for asking.

I had a long phone call with a friend last night, which helped me work through some things, but then I woke up in the early hours feeling unbelievably sad, like a physical heartache.

I text him this morning saying I don't know if I can forgive what he's said about me and the relationship.

He messaged back that he is the wronged party in this and I'll be gone if I make out he's the bad guy. Shock Shock.

So now I'm not feeling much. My counsellor has said in the past she thinks he has some narcissistic traits. I was looking it up and I guess his reaction could be 'narcissistic rage' . Not that I'm excusing it at all by saying that, it's actually quite shocking this is by far the worst he's ever treated me in 14 years. Could it be a combo of -

  1. His big birthday recently and bitterness about his failures
  2. Me mentioning what happened after so many years giving him something to rage about, and finally
  3. Me pulling him up after his initial comment of he "has nothing" and " wouldn't have been with me" if he'd remembered. He hates being in the wrong.

He has no empathy for me at all. I think he knows he's behaved appallingly but he won't admit it.

I'm currently in the mode of 'this isn't about me' but I'm sure I'll crash again.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 16/02/2021 12:58

He messaged back that he is the wronged party in this and I'll be gone if I make out he's the bad guy

I don't see how he can make himself the wronged party in this, that's bollox. I would dump him rather than give him the opportunity to hurt you further by dumping you. xxx

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 16/02/2021 13:01

It's normal that you are trying to understand where this has come from but, really, what good does it do you to try to climb into his head any longer? Is he making any effort to climb into yours? No. The opposite. Please try to take the magnifying glass off his pathetic mindset and focus on you, what you want, what you need and what you deserve. I don't think it is this guy any longer.

Original poster
packupmytroubles · 16/02/2021 13:18

@SoulofanAggron I know what you mean. I want to focus on myself. It's just that I've been with him from age 18 for 14 years. I don't have many other adult people in my life. It seems so alien to me not to be with him. I'm seeing him in a whole new light now though.

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 16/02/2021 13:33

So you are about 32 ?
You have loads of life left in you , live it well .
It sounds like he has dragged you down , so a life lived well is without him .
What he said is unforgivable. You have been through so much in your life and yet he is prepared to kick you right down at the mere mention of your past .
I wish you well .

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/02/2021 13:37

It's good that you're seeing him in this new light

This is him, who he really is. He's nasty. Narcissistic. Petty. Spiteful. Arrogant. I could go on

I hope that you will continue to realise that actually, normal people do not treat their loved ones in this way. They support them, they help them. They don't attack them.

You really do deserve so much better than this Thanks

namitynamechange · 16/02/2021 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

namitynamechange · 16/02/2021 13:46

Also you sound a similar age to me (possibly slightly younger). We are young, we are so so young. Not even halfway through life. Not even a quarter of the way through our adult lives!

giao · 16/02/2021 13:48

He's using you as a punchbag for some reason, as though you're not a real human being. Some things are simply unforgivable, what he said to you can never be unsaid, or unheard.

Someone who loves you could never utter those words.

noirchatsdeux · 16/02/2021 13:53

Don't let it be his decision about whether you continue in this relationship or not. He doesn't deserve to have that power. Write down all the horrible things he's said to/and about you and look at the list whenever you have any doubt.

billy1966 · 16/02/2021 14:38

@Florelei

The ‘leftovers of a paedophile’ comment hit me right in the stomach like a physical blow when I read it. So I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.

I’m not sure there can be any way back for your relationship. I certainly could never trust him again.

Me too.

Totally shocking.

He truly is the scum of the earth.

OP, you are a strong woman.

You have a daughter who sees the scum her father is clearly.

I wouldn't want him in my home again.

He is sleezy scum.

His remarks show exactly who he is and always has been.

Be brave again.
Don't allow this horror back.

Whether you accept it now or not, your relationship is over.

There is no way of getting over and forgetting the core character of him.

He's utterly repugnant.

Flowers
Opentooffers · 16/02/2021 15:11

"he gets in a huff if I don't 'give' him sex". Is it you, or him that thinks that sex is something a woman 'gives' to a man? That's a bad attitude to harbour towards sex, it takes 2 people to be in the mood at the same time. A huff signifies he feels someone should go ahead regardless, because the other is entitled to it. I think you'll find that he's always viewed sexual interactions wrongly. He blames you because it's something you 'gave'. He's definitely showing signs of mysogany, he prefers to think that the older man 'took' you than you 'gave' to him, and at best, he's going to make sure the older man gets what's due at his hands because it's like he wronged him when he wronged you - because you are like his property now, being 'his' woman, that's why police or challenging him personally seems a good idea in his mind.
So likely that is the simplistic way he thinks sex happens, either woman gives or man takes or not. He's just plain wrong of course, but if he' s always been like this, then his views are rigid and deep-seated and not likely to change. He's compartmentalized what happened to you because it doesn't fit with his rigid logic. Now he's had to think about it, he's making it fit his warped beliefs rather than accepting there is a whole lot of grey areas around why sex happens - coercion, intimidation, flattery, or wooing and romance being some tactics, not to mention just plain hormones giving the urge.
He's got one massive sexist chip on his shoulder around sex at least if not childcare and housework ( neither of which he would be doing I'll wager if his career was successful, actually his failure in that is probably why he's more involved in other areas where there is no risk of failure).
Doubt he'll change, your best bet is to leave him to it, it's his loss. Reduce contact, stay strong, you have nothing to lose, say you are done. It will make him think at least and show him what he has lost.

hannayeah · 16/02/2021 15:50

I would be very concerned about how he would react if one of your children experienced trauma or abuse. Would he act as if he was the one wronged? As if they were to blame and now dirty?

grapewine · 16/02/2021 16:49

@hannayeah

I would be very concerned about how he would react if one of your children experienced trauma or abuse. Would he act as if he was the one wronged? As if they were to blame and now dirty?
Very good point. OP, you're struggling now, but this is worth keeping in mind when you make decisions for the future.

He isn't the wronged party. He also isn't a good man.

Chipsahoy · 16/02/2021 17:01

Is this out of character? If so then he is having some mental break to say such vile things
I don’t think there is any come back from this. The relationship cannot survive what he has said to you.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2021 17:04

Just read all your posts OP, I am absolutely horrified by what I've read. How dare he claim to be the wronged party in this, what a vile vile man he is to say what he has done to you. I hope you find the strength to leave that "man"

Isthisit22 · 16/02/2021 17:31

He sounds awful even despite this- which is utterly unforgivable.

You seem like such a strong and together person, which must have taken a lot of hard after the abuse of your childhood. Hope you find the strength to get rid of this toxic, unpleasant man

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2021 18:06

He sounds incredibly misogynistic
I really hope you can leave him

WaltzingBetty · 16/02/2021 18:17

@packupmytroubles

I'd be asking him directly how you being groomed and mistreated as a teenager and him 'remembering' this 16 years later and subsequently deciding to walk out on his wife and children is him being 'wronged' in any way? Who has wronged him? Is he actually blaming 16 year old you for his current choices?

PlinkPlink · 16/02/2021 19:16

I'm glad you're feeling less in shock. You'll probably feel numb for quite a while.

I was with a partner for 10 years from the age of 15. It took me a while to see all of his awful behaviour. In fact, I wouldn't have left had it not been for me being in counselling and clearing my head of all the mess.

I realised that my need for freedom far outweighed my fear of being without him.
I also realised that I didn't have to keep putting my stuff on hold or stop living my life anymore.

I think you will find a sense of relief in some ways...

user1471565182 · 16/02/2021 19:31

Does he have any friends? i'm just shocked that somebody with such a lack of self awareness could carry on in society for so long (not saying you're lying op, im forever shocked by the depths people go to out of pure petty nastiness & selfishness)