I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

OP, firstly don’t feel that any of this is your fault. None of it is. Not the fact you were exploited by an older man and certainly not the fact that your partner seems to not be able to deal with it.

Secondly, he doesn’t have the right to stay with you. Remove that control from him. Don’t resign yourself to the fact that “he’ll probably stay” because that is your decision and not his.

Stop contacting him, and if he talks about coming back tell him that is no longer his decision to make and that if you ever want him back you will allow it on your terms.

How dare he believe that he’s in control here.

Do you have copies of any of the messages you sent? Because if you do I would keep them as evidence against why he should be given residency. Someone with those kinds of abhorrent views is a victim blaming rape apologist and is not someone I would want anywhere near my children, especially my daughter if I had one.

And this is one case where I wouldn’t keep the reasons for your split from your children. They deserve to be safe.

I don’t agree with the poster who says to let him live there if he must. The fact he’s run home to mummy and daddy is a good way to ensure that he doesn’t come back into the house. But the decision as to whether he does is yours and yours alone. He no longer has the right to decide that the relationship will work for him after all.

Incidentally, do you know what he’s told his parents?

If my DS had a partner and I found out he was behaving like this I would probably disown him. At the very least I would feel I had failed as a parent and certainly wouldn’t be offering him a place to live.

The 14 Yr old, or many 14 Yr old could be left to babysit the 11 Yr old, the law doesn't specify an age its more how capable the particular child is. Tbh these things don't happen over night either so your 14 Yr old could well be 15 by time you split up. Also if she dislikes her dad's moodiness so much she may well step up to the plate if it means him moving out.

Firstly, I'm sorry for what he said to you, I can see that would be very hurtful.

But, offering a different perspective, do you think he may not be able to cope any more with the sheer sorrow of the situation? Has this been regularly hashed over now for 14 years? I think some people just get to the point where they want to put a period on things, and move on and live a happy life. He isn't a therapist. Maybe he can't cope? Nobody wants to feel sad for 14 years.

I had an abusive marriage before I met my now DH. Also, my DH had some very traumatic experiences with an Ex. We have spoken about these things, but are very much now in a headspace of these things being over, and let's appreciate what we do have, move on, and live a happy fulfilled life.

This isn't to minimise anything or how you feel. Just wondering if this could be it.

Do not have sex with him when you are feeling fragile. Whether it's the "pick me dance" or hysterical bonding in an attempt to keep him with you, it will not be good for your mental health.

He doesn't deserve to be in the same room as you, forget about having sex.

I know it's hard, especially when it comes from someone who is supposed to love you and knows you, but try as hard as you can not to let those feelings take hold. This is not about you. It's about his anger,his failures, his hangups. You are just a handy outlet for all of it.

He's using you trauma to patch his own failures and as an excuse to now abuse and control you.

He's reducing you to the status of "damaged goods" because it suits him.

You are not "damaged goods". You are not his property. You are a survivor. You suffered,you were hurt and you came out the other side of this. You stood by his side when no one else did. You gave him and raised two beautiful children. You gave him 14 years of your life. You worked hard and you're a stable,well adjusted ,hard working amazing woman. Don't let him make you feel any less.

Our pasts shape us, but it's not who we are.

@SummerBlondey

Firstly, I'm sorry for what he said to you, I can see that would be very hurtful.

But, offering a different perspective, do you think he may not be able to cope any more with the sheer sorrow of the situation? Has this been regularly hashed over now for 14 years? I think some people just get to the point where they want to put a period on things, and move on and live a happy life. He isn't a therapist. Maybe he can't cope? Nobody wants to feel sad for 14 years.

I had an abusive marriage before I met my now DH. Also, my DH had some very traumatic experiences with an Ex. We have spoken about these things, but are very much now in a headspace of these things being over, and let's appreciate what we do have, move on, and live a happy fulfilled life.

This isn't to minimise anything or how you feel. Just wondering if this could be it.

Would those feelings justify his behaviour then?

Would they justify the vile things op has said he told her about herself?

Do they justify her punishment?

If he couldn't cope, was his behaviour towards her fair and justified? Did she deserve his reaction because he couldn't cope?

If the answer is no, then your comments are simply victim blaming.

I didn't say that what he had said was justified. I am not victim blaming either. Just offering a different perspective. I know from my own experience of hashing over a bad marriage, that after a while it isn't helpful and becomes depressing. We are all human - yes, even Men.

I think you really need to reframe this in your head.

I’m willing to bet your threshold for acceptable relationship behaviour is low. It’s so unlikely that he’s going from 100% normal behaviour to this level of awfulness.

At 25, impregnating an 18/19 year old is frankly repugnant. It’s not the behaviour of a well adjusted man who thinks well of women.

I wonder if the age of your DD is relevant? He’s looking at her and feeling disgusted with himself for his adult relationship with a girl not much older?

@SummerBlondey

I didn't say that what he had said was justified. I am not victim blaming either. Just offering a different perspective. I know from my own experience of hashing over a bad marriage, that after a while it isn't helpful and becomes depressing. We are all human - yes, even Men.

You are asking if he can't cope. His behaviour has involved verbal abuse, storming out, and shaming her for something that happened before they met.

If your suggestion is that he simply couldn't cope, is his response appropriate and justified.

If he couldn't cope, who's responsibility is it to fix him?

Your comments were absolutely victim blaming.

@SummerBlondey

I didn't say that what he had said was justified. I am not victim blaming either. Just offering a different perspective. I know from my own experience of hashing over a bad marriage, that after a while it isn't helpful and becomes depressing. We are all human - yes, even Men.

If that were the case he wouldn't be blackmailing OP into going to the police, which would only bring more attention and discussion. Or keep rehashing it himself and calling her all those disgusting names. He doesn't want her to stop talking about it. He wants her to make it up to HIM, for being abused as a child.

You're normalising abuse.

Identifying abuse is not about checking example behaviours off tick lists, it's about the underlying dynamics.

He's an abuser. There is no threshold at which it's ok to be an abuser because it's not as extreme as what another abuser does.

He is an abuser. That is not ok.

It's disturbing that you've been trained to think you should have sex with someone who has hurt you in order to "fix" things. Really disturbing.

OP I get the feeling that you are still in contact with him, waiting for him to 'come round', to calm down, to come back.

There is not coming back from this. He's said (and thinks) some awful, awful things about you, and I for one would not be able to be in the same room as him ever again.

Take control. Take back control. Take the decision out of his hands - you are not allowing him back because of what he has done. It's not a case of 'he'll take you back' - you will not take HIM back.

Get angry.
Sort your finances - there are benefit calculators on the .gov website.

Toss this loser, this failure.

Get on with your successfull life, rid of abusers of all kinds.

Yes it was Friday night very late though.

He probably just told his parents we had an argument. It's not that frequent that we have a big argument but it has happened over the years. He also stays there quite often anyway to help as PIL have severe health problems and are 5 mins away.

But, offering a different perspective, do you think he may not be able to cope any more with the sheer sorrow of the situation? Has this been regularly hashed over now for 14 years? I think some people just get to the point where they want to put a period on things, and move on and live a happy life. He isn't a therapist. Maybe he can't cope? Nobody wants to feel sad for 14 years

I wish it were that, but no. I told him once about 6 months into the relationship about my past. It's not been mentioned again as far as I recall. Until Friday night, we were watching one of those crime programmes and it came up a 45 year old man with a 16 year old. I rarely drink much but had had a few drinks and my brain made the connection (in my case 48 year old) and it just sort of tumbled out. I only said one sentence.

He maintains he'd put it out of his head in order to be with me and forgotten, and if he had remembered he'd have never stayed with me 14 days let alone 14 years and would never have had DC with me.

It's just awful.

Why do you want him back?

If you speak or text him again

Say that you will only speak about issues relating to the children & childcare

He said his words
There is no going back
He has ended the relationship

Stay strong

You are no lesser a person, than anybody else
You need to take control

Good luck

I’m willing to bet your threshold for acceptable relationship behaviour is low. It’s so unlikely that he’s going from 100% normal behaviour to this level of awfulness

At 25, impregnating an 18/19 year old is frankly repugnant. It’s not the behaviour of a well adjusted man who thinks well of women

You are probably right that my bar is low.

I'm not trying to defend him here, I hate him right now, but genuinely it wasn't bad, the age gap when we met. He's always been immature, I was more mature than him at that age!! He lived at home but I'd moved out at 16 shortly after that incident actually. I had a job at 16.

He can be moody, a bit snappy, a bit dismissive and selfish (him him him), not very emotionally supportive, doesn't really talk through issues unless forced, controlling over the DC like he wants to make the decisions (but usually gives in), is boorish and inflexible in his views.

Those are his bad points, he isn't abusive though. He's never, ever spoken to me like this before.

I wish it were that, but no. I told him once about 6 months into the relationship about my past. It's not been mentioned again as far as I recall. Until Friday night, we were watching one of those crime programmes and it came up a 45 year old man with a 16 year old. I rarely drink much but had had a few drinks and my brain made the connection (in my case 48 year old) and it just sort of tumbled out. I only said one sentence.

Ah, okay.

Well, in that case I just don't get his behaviour whatsoever!

He maintains he'd put it out of his head in order to be with me and forgotten, and if he had remembered he'd have never stayed with me 14 days let alone 14 years and would never have had DC with me

Wow. I just don't understand why he would say this? I'm completely stumped.

It's disturbing that you've been trained to think you should have sex with someone who has hurt you in order to "fix" things. Really disturbing

I don't think it's that, I think it's like that 'hysterical bonding' thing I've heard about after someone has an affair.

And why do I want him back? Part of me does, because he's all I know, only real relationship I've ever had, it's been a long time, I can't turn off love, I'm worried about residency issues, mostly I just want the pain to stop .

I know I should leave. I want to. I'm so angry at how he isn't caring how much he's hurting me, it's all about him.

Yes, still in contact, sad to say mainly initiated by me in hurt, like how could you etc. He keeps changing the goalposts like first it was it's over, then I can only move on if you contact the police (I said I can't there's technically no crime), then yesterday he said unless I go with him today to drive around the area the man lived and try to find him then we are over. I was particularly disgusted when he said I'm being 'deceptive' because I cannot remember his name or address.

Are you going to drive around with him trying to locate this man - presumably not!

I know this all seems seems impossible and overwhelming but you should really try and see how manipulative he is being here.

You say you want the pain to stop - the only way that will happen is if you accept that you cannot have a relationship with such a vile man and start acting accordingly,

Get fucking angry. How DARE he treat you like this!!

Get practical
Bag up all his shit and text him that it's outside waiting for him to collect before the bin men come.
The house is paid for by you and in your name, get him out from there.
Make an appointment to see a solicitor
Find out where you stand financially regarding child maintenance
Speak to work and explain the situation, they might be very supportive, you won't know unless you tell them.

Your DD's attitude to him is very telling - it sounds like she will be fully supportive of him leaving.
Talking of your DD, what would you say to her in a few years if she was being treated like this? What would you advise her to do? Put up and shut up? Keep being treated like a piece of shit? No, I don't think so. Do you want this to be a role model for her future behaviour?

You have so much going for you, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Look at what you've achieved and how you've managed to deal with all the crap you've had to deal with at such a young age. You should be being supported by your partner, not attacked.

See this man for what he is, and get rid.

You deserve so much better than this

Jesus christ OP, with every post he sounds worse and worse.

I think your DD has the measure of him. It's a shame your youngest seems more likely to think him an appropriate role model.

He's an absolute gold-plated cunt. In fact he's off the cuntometer.

The good news is that as you're not married and your name only is on the rental lease, he has no legal right whatsoever to remain in your home.

As per PPs, I strongly suspect he has been looking for a way out for some time and this is a convenient excuse. But to do it this way? Absolute, irredeemable evil fuckery. He needs to get in the fucking bin.

You are a strong person. You have turned your life around and faced your demons and done the hard work necessary to become a fully-rounded, emotionally healthy partner and parent. (What's he ever done to improve himself? Fuck all, I'm guessing.) You don't need him.

I strongly suspect you will blossom and grow even further without the massive drag factor of his negativity in your, and your children's, lives.

I think you need to concentrate on you and what you want and need. As a victim of teenage, sexual trauma, I know how hard you have worked to have a 'normal' life. To have someone who should love and support you undermining you like this could have a severe affect on your mental health.

At the moment you are struggling with the shock of his reaction; the vileness of his remarks and the question of how you cope without him. But if he can't let go of your past and keeps bringing it back up, every time you disagree then that is no life for you.
Even if you do report it to the police and they feel there is a case to answer, I don't see how it is going to make him feel better, you will both only feel worse through having it all dragged back up again.
If you want to save your relationship, you need a grown up conversation. Does he want to save the relationship?
If he wants to save the relationship as well you need to live apart; go to counselling couples or together; and you only talk about your past in counselling .
I would also contact WA for advice. Good Luck

I suspect, and I could be wrong, that him turning 40 (from what you've said) has brought some of this on.
He's now in the same decade as the man who took advantage of you.
So, if he's at all decent (most men are, to be fair) the thought of being not that much older than he is now, and sleeping with someone not much older than your daughter, would have revolted him NOW far more than it would have as a mid-20s man.

I think that might have some input into his revulsion.

But his victim-blaming stance towards you is horrendous - of course it wasn't your fault that this middle aged man took advantage of you at the time! And no, it wasn't paedophilia but it WAS "hebephilia" and it was just as revolting but barely legal. You're right, you have nothing to report him for, unless he was your teacher or manager at work (assuming not or you'd have mentioned it by now).

I don't know how you can get past it - what he has said is so disgusting - but it's something that you'll have to come to terms with and work out what YOU want to do.

So sorry you're going through this.

It is very odd that this is coming up now. It literally has nothing to do with him, and you’ve allowed him access to that part of your life when you really didn’t have to. Another vote for there’s something else going on with him here.