I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

WOW. He is being a huge arsehole and it makes absolutely no sense after such a long time! I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is absolutely NOT your fault, it's something that happened before you even knew him, and he has NO right to insist that you report anything to the police when you don't want to.
I'm furious on your behalf. What an absolute bastard.

If it's not an excuse to get out, then he's using it to put you "lower" than him and make himself feel better about his own failures. He's the big man now, hold all the cards and you need to work hard and keep him and win him back while he takes comfort in the fact that he's better than you and no matter how "low" he is he'll never be as low as you. Not just that but he can be your "saviour" again, the nice forgiving man, the supporter etc which is he's pushing you to go to the police. You'll be the victim,he'll be the good man standing by your side and any future failings can be blamed on how "stressful and heartbreaking " this was.

EXACTLY this.

This is nothing to do with your past relationship or what he thinks about it - he probably doesn't think much at all. And actually, he knew and you know he did. So forget that 'issue' - it isn't relevant to this at all.

Sounds like he's been lightly nasty along these lines before - spiteful taking things out on you when he's not happy.

Milestone birthday. Low achiever. He needed something big to balance things up a bit and take you down a peg or two.

I would act swiftly here, I think. He's nasty and abusive as well as being a lazy underacheiver who blames you for his shortfalls? So you're about 32, young children, head screwed on, he's hit 40 and has started this shit?

I can't think of a reason to stay. I don't see how you can really move on, because it's not actually about him being 'shocked' or 'upset' by this 'revelation' that he already knew about and hadn't blanked out at all - it's about him deliberately trying to shame you sexually and try and make you feel like you are lesser. That's absolute poison to any future relationship. I don't see how you can come back from it - misogynistic colours truly shown.

Normally, he'd just try to pick minor fights

He would normally try to pick fights with you when he wanted to be distracted from his own irritations?

This is not what happens in a healthy relationship. You're not there to be used by him.

He clearly wants to put you in a position where you have asked him to forgive your past transgressions and he gets to use that against you for the foreseeable future.

How dare he imply that you are damaged goods and he is settling in some way if he stays with you.

Tell him politely and calmly exactly where he can put his offer to 'try'.

He may well apologise when he realises his strategy has backfired. That will just be to bring you back to continue being his emotional punchbag. You deserve so much better than this

Please do LTB and don't ever look back.

He doesn't believe in marriage, has that been an issue OP?

From someone who had a similar upbringing, I would suggest his religious upbringing has a far greater effect on him than you suspect or even than he himself realises.

^in terms of how he initially reacted about your sexual past

The thing that worries me is that you're not married.

How secure are you finance-wise?

He's blaming you because you were abused by a predatory older man.
I don't see how you can ever forgive him for that.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

No I'm no more accomplished than when we met. I'm actually still in the same job. Although I suppose I'm more grown up.

I won't apologise. I won't lower myself to that.

I just sent him a message saying that if he cannot separate the PAST from 14 years of us, and if he blames me for something which is not my fault, then he's not worth my love, he is not worth it.

I'm literally in pieces though. He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile. It just gets more unforgivable .

But no, he's never been misogynistic before. I think me making that comment at a trigger time for him was the catalyst.

If he wasn't a misogynist at heart there is nothing you could have said to "trigger" this reaction.

No decent human being would react like this.

It's not your fault. It's not your creation. It's not you in the wrong. It's not your responsibility to make excuses for him and minimise and explain away his appalling behaviour. (Do you usually do that?)

This is his fault. If it's the first time he's shown so dramatically what he is really like then perhaps it is also the first time you've stepped outside of doing what he wants.

He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile. It just gets more unforgivable

That is unforgivable. And utterly repulsive. Nothing you have said when trying to explain his behaviour away excuses this. These are core beliefs being revealed.

There is no going back from that. The relationship you thought you had is over. It doesn't sound like it was ever as healthy as you thought it was.

I'm sorry. I think you would benefit from support around healthy relationships to help you process what's happened and protect yourself moving forward.

This turning on you is a smokescreen.
You've had counselling, you've tackled tough stuff. You are the stronger one here. You, in fact, are the rescuer. In your DP, you rescued a wounded older man. For reasons you probably know.
To me it sounds like this was going to happen regardless. You unwittingly provided a good opportunity for him to trigger his attack. I'd even wonder might he even have led you into that conversation that caused the row.
He was waiting for an opportunity to turn on you. Like the teenager blaming his mother. The subject matter of your teenage incident, is a red herring and of less significance than it seems.
He blames the outside world for all his problems. He rejects responsibility or anything that hints at his adultness

Yes. This exactly. He does also blame his parents.

[quote packupmytroubles]@AccidentallyOnPurpose

No I'm no more accomplished than when we met. I'm actually still in the same job. Although I suppose I'm more grown up.

I won't apologise. I won't lower myself to that.

I just sent him a message saying that if he cannot separate the PAST from 14 years of us, and if he blames me for something which is not my fault, then he's not worth my love, he is not worth it.

I'm literally in pieces though. He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile. It just gets more unforgivable .[/quote]
Oh sweetheart... fuck. I can't comment on what he said as that would just be adding to your hurt. But now you know...

What is your situation financially? Feelings aside, are you prepared and can you cope on your own? Even if not, consider very well what staying would mean.

You deserve better than this. You are better than this.

I can't get over the fact that you think 18 and 25 isn't a creepy age gap.

Anyway, he's horrible. Other people have articulated it so clearly but this guy needs you low and broken to be happy. Really try to come to terms with that. He will always be trying to destroy you.

Please leave him.

What a nasty loser he is.

Don't you try and forget the awful things he has said.

After doing all this incredible work on yourself despite having married down, don't undo the great work you have done by allowing him to take your peace.

He is a disgrace and you need to think good and hard about the life you have with him.

Despite what you say I'm afraid there is NO way I believe this nastiness is in isolation.

He likes to pick fights?

This isn't in isolation at all.

Protect your children from a future with a man who could be so vicious with their mother.

Don't be used as a crutch for this sorry excuse of a man.

OP, you deserve a medal for sticking with this loser for 14 years. But please don’t waste any more years on him.
He is a waste of space, who blames everyone but himself for his failure to achieve anything in life, runs home to mummy when he can’t cope with his own toxicity, and unforgivably uses your past trauma to emotionally abuse you to make himself feel better.
Please see him for what he really is. And leave him, before he inflicts any more emotional damage on you. What kind of role model is he for your children? What kind of relationship are you showing them as “normal”?

Oh and stop putting yourself down. You achieved plenty regardless of what job you have.

You are stronger and more confident. You worked hard and dealt with your past. You are in a better position mentally. You've raised kids,kept a house and work. You've supported a lazy, childish , rebel without a cause , the world is against me man for years through everything and despite your own battles and emotional turmoil.

You've achieved more than you think. You're stronger than you think and you're definitely better than you think and than this abusive ,toxic relationships.

He keeps saying the guys DNA will still be on me . I'm so fucking angry.

Yes, he's always been a bit selfish and moody and yes rebel without a cause (exactly!!) and sometimes picks fights when stressed, but we've had a full relationship otherwise, and honestly he's never ever acted like this.

I'm numb in-between crying and trying to do the basics in the house.

I'm not sure the finances and custody, I'll look into it.

Oh and OP, only sleezy losers go after 18 year olds when they are 25.

He's a creep. Always was.

Perhaps your story hit a nerve with him...too close to home.

Huge red flag.

This guy is a fucking creep. It sounds like he’s lashing out because you have spoilt the sick fantasy he had of seducing an innocent young girl. How DARE he describe you as leftovers. You are a person. It is unforgivable to talk about someone you are supposed to love like that.

@packupmytroubles

He keeps saying the guys DNA will still be on me . I'm so fucking angry.

Yes, he's always been a bit selfish and moody and yes rebel without a cause (exactly!!) and sometimes picks fights when stressed, but we've had a full relationship otherwise, and honestly he's never ever acted like this.

I'm numb in-between crying and trying to do the basics in the house.

I'm not sure the finances and custody, I'll look into it.

See at this point I wouldn't give a shit ,let the anger rip and just feed it back to him.

"Oh so does that mean that when you gave me oral you've been going all over another man's DNA? Does that make you gay now? I don't think I can accept that in a relationship ".

Now back to being sensible. Give yourself today. To mourn,cry and rage. Stop all contact with him and put your phone on silent. Today is for you,your pain and anger.

Tomorrow channel that anger. Take copies/screenshots of all finances,check exactly what the situation is, your rights over the house, what other rights you have, what benefits you might get. See if any if your friends can recommend a solicitor and go through everything with them(hopefully you can afford this). Find out as much as you can about your situation and where you will be when this ends.

Then think very ,very well what you want from life, because I guarantee you he'll play the benevolent role and try and come back as soon as he realises you won't be playing his pathetic game.

He will come back... but do you want him to?

With every one of your updates, this man just seems worse and worse OP. You are a survivor of abuse and an (at best) predatory older man when you were a child. You have worked through it, had counselling and come out an amazingly strong woman. He has achieved nothing in his life, is lazy and blames everyone else for not being a better man. And he thinks he can talk down to you, that he is better than you in some way??

This is your opportunity to end the relationship OP, please seize it with both hands, he is extremely abusive.

Are you still in contact with him? How is he still making comments to you?

Yes, he's always been a bit selfish and moody and yes rebel without a cause (exactly!!) and sometimes picks fights when stressed

That's not healthy relationship behaviour, even if it seemed like a good deal compared to the extreme abuse you survived when you were younger.

Maybe look at the Freedom Programme.

Oh and as far as him being decent and not a misogynist I bet he:

• thinks there's two sides to every rape "story". And yeah he calls it a "story"

• there's always some kind of excuse or grey area for rape cases in the news/public eye

• does not do housework,childcare etc because that's your job

*makes or engages in sexist jokes of all kinds,rape,dv etc

• always finds something derogatory to say about successful women,especially if they're superior to him at work

• calls himself traditional or gentleman but only when it suits him like not believing in marriage

• reacts huffy when you deny him sex

• you are an extension of him and as such your behaviour and image must be impeccable and he gets a veto over a lot of your decisions/choices

• he decides what goes in the bedroom

*he thinks he's "head of the family"

• engages in banter or derogatory comments with other men (if he has any left that can put up with him) at the expense of women

Oh I’m so sorry you are going through this, he sounds awful

I think he possibly wants an "out" of the relationship, but has no emotional spine and so has just grabbed on to what happened in your past as something to use against you.

I've no idea why he wants out, but that's how it sounds to me. You come across as extremely insightful. I think you'll work out what's behind this outburst soon, or something will come to light. I'd get on with the practical things like researching what to do re. finances, etc... It'll make you feel more in control of the situation. I'm so sorry he's done this. You can see through the horrible things he's saying though. You know this is all him and nothing to do with you.