I'm devastated. Why is he acting like this? *tw*

[packupmytroubles]

Ok so firstly trigger warning.

When I was 15/16 I was extremely traumatized after a major incident and 'acting out' , trying to run away from home etc. During this time I had quite a few sexual partners and at one point had a very short 'relationship' with a much, much older man (me 16, him 48).

My DP and me met 2 years later and have now been together a long time with DC.

He knew about my past. I told him a few months into our relationship.

The other night we were watching TV having a few drinks and something relevant came on TV. I don't normally drink a lot so it just came out that I was with someone way older. I wasn't graphic in any way.

Well DP has suddenly decided he can't handle this, he must have suppressed it and if he'd fully known he'd never have had DC with me, he would've left me. He's been saying some absolutely vile graphic things. He's also said he's "got what's left" of me and that he has to leave "such a person".

He's now decided that he will try if I report to police. But since I was 16 there's no crime, don't see how I can.

I'm bereft. I don't know what he's doing or why he's hurting me like this. I know I should LTB, I know, but we've been together so long I can't see it.

Help or even a handhold please.

He should be so ashamed of himself. He should be begging you to accept his sincere apologies if there is any way forward. And he isn’t. He’s behaving as badly as previous men in your life right now. You sound very mature. Everything you’ve said is spot on. You don’t deserve this.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

Oh and as far as him being decent and not a misogynist I bet he:

• thinks there's two sides to every rape "story". And yeah he calls it a "story"

• there's always some kind of excuse or grey area for rape cases in the news/public eye

• does not do housework,childcare etc because that's your job

*makes or engages in sexist jokes of all kinds,rape,dv etc

• always finds something derogatory to say about successful women,especially if they're superior to him at work

• calls himself traditional or gentleman but only when it suits him like not believing in marriage

• reacts huffy when you deny him sex

• you are an extension of him and as such your behaviour and image must be impeccable and he gets a veto over a lot of your decisions/choices

• he decides what goes in the bedroom

*he thinks he's "head of the family"

• engages in banter or derogatory comments with other men (if he has any left that can put up with him) at the expense of women

The only thing he does of the above is act huffy if I don't give him sex. The rest of it he's never done.

He's definitely using what I said to feel superior though.

I looked into the finances and I would be ok I think. The flat is rented and in my name. He'd probably fight for custody of the youngest though, and he does a lot of childcare so that's a big worry.

Fair enough. Tbh it's all irrelevant. His behaviour now is more than enough.

Glad to hear you'd manage ok and the flat is in your name. And here you are saying you haven't achieved anything.

What do you mean by doing a lot of childcare? Is he the main carer? What about the other children?

Keep the abusive messages he has sent so far and any future abuse he might throw your way.

He said earlier that he can't be with the "leftovers" of a paedophile

That is a really disgusting thing for him to say. And he should bear in mind that two years later you were seeing him - what does that make him, then?

I would turn this around on him, you told him something from your past and a normal reaction would be for him to offer you support and perhaps sympathy. In your shoes i would be telling him that his reaction is disgusting, and you are not sure if you can forgive him for it. I wouldn't continue with the relationship unless he has a long hard look at himself.

I really think you are going down the avenue of blaming his failures on this episode.

In fact I think this has been a re occuring thing in your relationship, he gets the attention, affection, his own way the sympathy if he plays the man child card.

So why is he flouncing off to mommies this time.?
I would be very wary of his actions, he's used to going back to mommy when he doesn't get his way or he's having problems.

Maybe he's not having problems, maybe he uses excuses to have free time away from you. Is this one of those times?

I would be thinking of HIS reasons behind this.

I don't trust him, I don't know him but I'd be checking up on him.

I've got a feeling there is a side to this man you don't know.

So let's me get this straight-he goes from job to job because he can't get along with coworkers and blames his bosses for not advancing at the rate he feels he deserves (never mind actually earning advancement) He recently had a milestone birthday and can't face the cold,hard truth of his lack of achievement (despite a long term relationship and children and parents who are alive) He sees his significant other overcome really difficult challenges and has to compare himself to you and realize his shortcomings, and then he says vile,nasty and cruel things to you? Does he even know rudimentary science? DNA from 20+ years ago? What an asshole! You can do better (a blow up sex doll would be an upgrade to him!)

No wonder his parents view him as a disappointment 🙄

The last comments you posted are absolutely digusting

Please try and forget about him for now and keep your mind occupied with plans and thigns to do. Packing his stuff sounds like a good idea. Don't message him any further.

He'd probably fight for custody of the youngest though, and he does a lot of childcare so that's a big worry.

Then definitely make sure you keep every disgusting text, and when you do reply, keep it dignified and along the lines of 'You need to stop with this absolutely disgusting misogynistic bile now. I am seriously questioning your suitability to be around the children if this is the absolutely disgusting way you think. Needless to say our relationship is over.'

As for custody- I suggest that as soon as he is gone officially, you get a residence order (which decrees that the children live with you - striaghtforward). The police then have the power to return the children to you if he plays silly buggers. Then you'll agree a schedule and no, he won't find that a court is keen to separate siblings so one can live with dad but the other not.

Tell him to feel free to report the man to the police and see how far it gets him.

But really this is a man who has missed out all his life through sheer laziness, blames everyone else for it, and unfortunately for him he's now shown he's a failure as a husband. I rather suspect that he'd be too lazy to fight for the children, too.

Milestone birthday and mild depression or whatever is not an explanation for his deeply held misogyny. I'm sorry this is happening but for your own emotional safety you cannot continue with him.

The only thing he does of the above is act huffy if I don't give him sex

That's abusive.

He has our youngest ds about 50% of the time whilst I work, well working around both our works (I work evenings as a cleaner). So out with school time (obviously not just now), he does normally a bit more childcare than me and about half the cleaning. That's what worries me.

The eldest can't be bothered with him. I think she sees through his arrogance and superiority complex. This annoys him.

I worry for residency of DS though.

I feel numb again. He keeps texting about finding the man and reporting him. He was a vile man who definitely had a perchant for young vulnerable women, but DP really is making this all about him, the 'conditions' he can stay with me.. feel like he's went unhinged.

@packupmytroubles

He has our youngest ds about 50% of the time whilst I work, well working around both our works (I work evenings as a cleaner). So out with school time (obviously not just now), he does normally a bit more childcare than me and about half the cleaning. That's what worries me.

The eldest can't be bothered with him. I think she sees through his arrogance and superiority complex. This annoys him.

I worry for residency of DS though.

I feel numb again. He keeps texting about finding the man and reporting him. He was a vile man who definitely had a perchant for young vulnerable women, but DP really is making this all about him, the 'conditions' he can stay with me.. feel like he's went unhinged.

It's very unlikely a court will separate siblings or make one child to move out of their home for no other reason than "dad wants to".

BTW I've missed a very important part in my posts.

I'm very sorry for what happened to you and what you are going through now.

You are a strong woman
A daughter
A mother

He cannot take that from you ever

Hold your head up high

He doesn't deserve you

Ignore what he is saying

You can't change the past

Look forward to a better future

He can’t take your child away from you. The most that will happen is 50/50. Go see a solicitor and get proper advice

I will try see a solicitor. I was under the impression that at the ages of 14 and 11 the courts wouldn't be that bothered and it would end up in a constant battle between us. He'd want the youngest ds with him, dd doesn't really get on with him. I can't lose ds to him (we are also very close).

Thank you for all your supports.

I feel battered emotionally, it's brought up stuff I'd rather forget, but more than that, I'm so hurt that the person I thought loved me could treat me this way.

So sorry this is happening to you. Like many others I am wading in here to urge you to run for the hills. I know that's the hardest option and one you'd probably prefer not to pursue. But self respect is priceless and sorry - he's a dick. You are worth more than this. A lot more.

Ah they are a lot older than I thought.

I would keep all the texts, but stop replying.

Just one to say 'Stop texting. Every single word is becoming increasingly disturbing and inappropriate. This is no longer up for discussion. I also do not believe you on having 'suppressed the knowledge.' You knew that I had this short relationship with an older man as I told you when we first met. For whatever reason - doubtless linked to your usual insecurity and childishness - you've just decided that this is going to be something you attack me with to make yourself feel better. However, I am at the end of the road with this form of abuse and so we are over. I am packing your things and will no longer be listening to, or replying to, your aggressive, disturbing rants. They say more about you than you know!'

First things first, if the flat is rented in your name, and if you can afford to stay there, then tell him not to come back and you will arrange for his belongings to be packed up.

He sounds awful and you sound like you'd be better off without him.

@Meowtha I see what you mean but it's not as simple as that. I work 5 evenings til late (not changeable). He looks after ds (11). If I threw him out, he'd end up having ds most overnights at his (either new place or his parents) cause of my work, and possibly get custody of him because of that. dd (14) just does her own thing, she could be left on evenings, but not with DS, at least not yet.

The only thing he does of the above is act huffy if I don't give him sex.

So he's always been sexually abusive. No surprise.

Where have you got all these fears and ideas about "custody" from? Has he threatened to "take" the children from you if you leave him for being an abuser?

You’d be able to get a babysitter if need be to cover those shifts. Cross that bridge when you come to it..

@Honeyroar

You’d be able to get a babysitter if need be to cover those shifts. Cross that bridge when you come to it..

Babysitter would cost nearly as much as I earn!!

When the eldest is 16 it maybe not such a problem. Or give up my job and try convince benefits office I had 'good reason' and be even worse off.

I hate him ATM. How can someone claim to love me treat me like this. The sadness just won't go away.