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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

718 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 13/02/2021 15:00

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

OP posts:
Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 08:58

I made a Tinder profile a few days ago thinking ‘why can’t I chat to people and build up my self esteem and confidence again, there is no harm if it is simply chatting and trying to make some sort of human contact in a pandemic’. Big mistake. For me anyway. It just made me realise how much I still love and am in love with my ex. Nobody compares to him and I am so frustrated because I thought I was making progress. It’s really set me back and I’ve been teary all morning. I wish I hadn’t done it.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 13/03/2021 09:02

@Herewegoagain22
I really would encourage anyone thinking of old at the moment to really consider if you're ready
I did this last time I got dumped 8 years ago as I was devastated and desperate to get over him but it was a big mistake and just allowed more arseholes to kick me while I was down.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 09:10

My ex checked out of our relationship emotionally for months before he ended it. I never truly felt wanted or that I really mattered for a while and I think I was just looking for a little bit of validation, even from strangers, to show me I’m not as awful as I feel. It’s quite sad and pathetic really for someone in their 30s. I’ve really set myself back and was seemingly doing ok with the breakup until then. I’ve deleted the app and hope I can pick myself up today and shake off the set back

OP posts:
fedup078 · 13/03/2021 09:13

@Herewegoagain22 I know it's cliche but you really need to concentrate on your self right now x
Mind that's pretty hard considering we can't even go get our hair done at the moment

Rodeodown · 13/03/2021 10:03

I briefly downloaded tinder and was overwhelmed with the posers and people looking for no strings/fwb hookups. I swiftly deleted it and left it for a while. I've recently downloaded bumble and it seems nicer. I do still feel guilty looking at other males and find myself comparing them all to my ex. Hopefully that will pass. I got a compliment from the guy I matched with last night which is making me smile every time I think of it. Small distractions really help.

wow1111 · 13/03/2021 11:04

I also tried bumble.. twice and yet again deleted it.. I genuinely do not want anyone and I don't want anyone to help me for confidence etc.. I've realised that I need to learn to do that for myself for now

crochetmonkey74 · 13/03/2021 13:25

I've given myself a kind of rough timeline , I think I'll start the first steps into internet dating in the summer , that will have given me 6 months of recovering , if I dont like it, I'll step away for a bit until I'm ready

wow1111 · 13/03/2021 13:58

Can I please have some support, I am actually quite upset now, thought I was doing good and now I'm missing him like mad :(

fedup078 · 13/03/2021 14:26

@wow1111 I don't really know what to say other than I know exactly what you mean.
I've been fine all day but my stbxh is due home soon and I'm getting more and more wound up. I'll have to go sit upstairs or something ffs .

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 14:31

@wow1111 I’m here. I’m really sorry you’re struggling. I don’t know if it’s something about weekends but equally I am having a bad day. He is constantly on my mind today and I’m wondering what he’s doing and if he’s thinking about me (knowing deep down he isn’t as he stopped caring a long time ago). I’m only 32 but we had our lives planned together, to get married and have children and I feel like it’s all been ripped away. I’m finding it hard seeing friends on Facebook with their significant others. I am not a jealous person but I am envious of them and what they have. I was honestly doing so well the last few days. It’s just an emotional rollercoaster.

Do you have much planned for tonight? I have hurt my groin exercising so I can’t even go for a walk. Just sitting on the couch festering which isn’t helping

OP posts:
fedup078 · 13/03/2021 15:08

Yep, we were at each other's throats as soon as he came in
Prick

wow1111 · 13/03/2021 16:06

Yep, I'm the same, everywhere I go I see happy couples, our 2nd wedding anniversary to next week :( I just feel like I need to protect him because I know he's gonna end up worse off without me but he's just resisting me totally now

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 16:22

@wow1111 protect him from what? It is really hard but you only need to protect yourself when someone chooses to leave you.

The part I struggle with the most is how someone can tell you how in love they are with you, how they want everything with you and only you, then just up and walk away so easily days later. I will always struggle with that but I am trying to stop analysing. The only closure I needed I guess was the fact he left and didn’t want me in his life, even if it was all of a sudden and he blamed his mental health, he didn’t want me or the relationship and I deserve better.

@fedup078 hope you are ok. You are still living together aren’t you?

OP posts:
fedup078 · 13/03/2021 16:26

@Herewegoagain22 yeah the flat he's renting won't be ready until the start of April .

wow1111 · 13/03/2021 16:28

Protect him because I know what he's been through in his life, bad upbringing, and he hasn't truly had love and he suffers mentally also, even though he hasn't said this, I can see it a mile off! I just still don't understand that also, he said his whole world sorted which was amazing, with me, someone who gave him the world and he's just gave it all up so quick without trying to resolve it

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 16:40

@wow1111 sounds like we have a semi similar situation. I am just really tired of feeling like this. I am going to make a nice dinner and watch a box set tonight and maybe treat myself to a few things online. Hoping tomorrow is a better day

Take care of yourself x

OP posts:
Hurtandheartbroken123 · 13/03/2021 16:43

Can I join? Broken up with today through a text. Can't get over him saying he loved me, wanted a future with me and excited for our relationship to go further and then the next day he's finished it with me. Shocked doesn't even cover it.
I'm going to read through the entire thread, just wanted to say hi.

Rodeodown · 13/03/2021 16:43

@wow1111

Protect him because I know what he's been through in his life, bad upbringing, and he hasn't truly had love and he suffers mentally also, even though he hasn't said this, I can see it a mile off! I just still don't understand that also, he said his whole world sorted which was amazing, with me, someone who gave him the world and he's just gave it all up so quick without trying to resolve it
I know what you mean. My ex has no money, no car, no house. Every time he comes round he has big dark circles under his eyes. We had everything together. I don't understand how he can just leave that behind. Why would you want to give up everything we have for nothing.

I loved him so much, I was faithful and loyal and I looked after him. It's so sad.

Sending you hugs today. I know how you feel, I so know.

fedup078 · 13/03/2021 16:45

My dh has given up our marriage and our future , relationship with dc etc etc etc all for the booze . It's really hard to take

wow1111 · 13/03/2021 17:11

@Rodeodown it's absolutely awful isn't it, I still can not get my head around it at all!! :(
All I want it for us to both have space and for him to realise how much he truly loves me, which I know he does, he also said when he left that he doesnt want this but we both need it (the split up) and not to force the future and and the next thing he's telling me to let go of him and to move on?! It's just all confusing :( I just miss him so much

Rodeodown · 13/03/2021 18:36

[quote wow1111]@Rodeodown it's absolutely awful isn't it, I still can not get my head around it at all!! :(
All I want it for us to both have space and for him to realise how much he truly loves me, which I know he does, he also said when he left that he doesnt want this but we both need it (the split up) and not to force the future and and the next thing he's telling me to let go of him and to move on?! It's just all confusing :( I just miss him so much[/quote]
I've done the pick me dance (ashamedly) and now I've realised that I haven't given him a chance to miss me with my constant comments and reasons why he should come back home. I'm now trying my absolute best (it's tough) to stay no contact and give him that chance to realise what he's giving up. I'm not even 100% sure I want him back right now, I just want to be proved right and I want him to say he fucked up.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 18:58

@Hurtandheartbroken123 welcome, sorry you have to join such a thread though. How people can just suddenly change their mindset and go against everything they ever said and promised, I will never understand, but it looks like a common theme. I hope you are doing as ok as can be right now.

We’re here if you need to talk x

OP posts:
fedup078 · 13/03/2021 19:04

@Hurtandheartbroken123 I saw your other thread . What a bastard. My ex before H did something similar to me. Totally love bombed and then ghosted me. It was excruciating. Made worse than we worked together and then he ended up marrying someone in his team .

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 13/03/2021 20:40

This is quite useful insightful....I like Matthew, he’s pretty easy on the eye too Grin

OP posts:
fedup078 · 14/03/2021 07:40

I hope everyone with kids gets through today
Last year was awful anyway. It was only 2 months after giving birth and also 2 months since my own mother died. DH in his usual wisdom spent the entire weekend totally off his face and arguing with me
This year we are splitting up so that incidents like that don't happen again