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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone want to join the breakup club?

718 replies

Herewegoagain22 · 13/02/2021 15:00

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

OP posts:
Ofalltheginjoints · 11/03/2021 19:41

Hi @Rodeodown welcome to the thread, the lack of sleep is a killer isn’t it?

@ThisTooShallPassOneDay I’m 34 and feel exactly the same, the thought of it makes me feel sick and with my disability I keep thinking who the hell will ever want me? The logical side of me thinks that’s ridiculous but the emotional side just believes it.

Oh a slight plus side I now weigh less then I have done in the last two years

Rodeodown · 11/03/2021 19:45

@Ofalltheginjoints

Hi *@Rodeodown* welcome to the thread, the lack of sleep is a killer isn’t it?

@ThisTooShallPassOneDay I’m 34 and feel exactly the same, the thought of it makes me feel sick and with my disability I keep thinking who the hell will ever want me? The logical side of me thinks that’s ridiculous but the emotional side just believes it.

Oh a slight plus side I now weigh less then I have done in the last two years

I'm finally sleeping a bit better now but, like you I'm the lightest I have been in years. Some days go by where I don't eat a single thing. 3 stone down and my body confidence is through the roof. That's the only silver lining I've found so far!

The thought of dating or finding someone else is terrifying, I've never dated before! I genuinely thought I was set for life and this guy was my soulmate. Part of me still does.

crochetmonkey74 · 11/03/2021 20:13

My ex is also heartbroken at the split (it's one of those mutual at different stages things) so my days are currently spent thinking about how we will get back together after some months apart ...
I know its unrealistic, unlikely and not sure I'd even want it but It stops me crying, at least for a bit. I'm out of the unable to eat phase now and into the eating too much chocolate stage. This is hard.

Original poster
Herewegoagain22 · 11/03/2021 20:19

@Rodeodown I’m so sorry to hear that. It is such a horrific thing to go through, and it cuts much deeper than people can ever see. Have you gone NC or are you still in touch?

I did a lot of reading and watching self help YouTube videos from so called ‘relationship experts’ some really resonated and helped me a lot, others were talking about getting back together and I was like ‘nope’ this isn’t something I can even consider. Have you tried watching any? I am in a bit of a better place than I was, it just will sometimes catch me out of the blue and I’ll spend most days still analysing things. Like most I have also dropped some weight and actually feel great physically. Just a bit drained emotionally.

This thread will keep us all going when we need a bit more extra support, so I am glad I started it. We will all get through this together

OP posts:
anditgoeson · 11/03/2021 20:21

I'm 4 days into a break up, relationship 4 years and very turbulent! I've had just finished reading Attached. Oh my god its amazing. I've cried a lot but it has also been so uplifting and freeing. I would urge everyone to read it.

wow1111 · 11/03/2021 20:23

im almost two months in.. glad iv got passed the 'if i said this then it wouldnt have happened', stage, im passed the blaming myself stage (husband left me) and now i am starting to realise that he has lost a lot more then I have (I used to sort everything out, money cleaning shopping etc). I still feel as if I wont meet anybody yet, but to be honest, I'm a firm believer of whats meant to be will be, and I'm sure when I'm ready, my amazing prince charming will come and sweep me off my feet hahaha

Rodeodown · 11/03/2021 20:25

We are still in touch as we have a 9yo son. I'm trying (as of today) to go very low contact as the old cliche is, the more you chase a dog the more it runs away. I'm ashamed to say while I have had strong moments, I have also had periods of begging him to come back. I want to make him see I can be happy, however there have been some incredibly dark days. My boy goes back to school next week which will be a big help in reinstating routines and keeping us busier, taking my mind off things. It occurred to me today he won't have really missed me because I've been in contact so much. I don't even know if I want him back, but I want him to want to come back, just for validation. If that makes sense...

I'll have a look on YouTube for sure, thank you.

wow1111 · 11/03/2021 20:28

@Rodeodown ''I've never dated before! I genuinely thought I was set for life and this guy was my soulmate. Part of me still does''

This!!! This is exactly how I feel

Iamclearlyamug · 11/03/2021 20:31

I’m 3 weeks post break up. I’m exhausted, completely numb and have lost 18lb from not eating 😔😔

4.5 years and an engagement ended by Facebook message of all things, and promptly deleted from all social media

Rodeodown · 11/03/2021 20:41

[quote wow1111]@Rodeodown ''I've never dated before! I genuinely thought I was set for life and this guy was my soulmate. Part of me still does''

This!!! This is exactly how I feel[/quote]
The thought of putting my naked body out there in front of someone is TERRIFYING. Also even the thought of speaking to someone else feels unfaithful.

Rodeodown · 11/03/2021 20:43

I'm so sorry. What a coward. We are all here for you.

It's nice to talk with people who understand. I'm sure my family and friends have had enough of me going on about him.

ThisTooShallPassOneDay · 11/03/2021 20:57

@anditgoeson stay strong, hang tight. You have got this! Who is the book Attached written by? Sounds like a good one!

ThisTooShallPassOneDay · 11/03/2021 20:58

@Rodeodown welcome! I'm so sorry for what you're going through but you've survived this long and you're doing great! Keep moving one step forward, one day at a time x

ThisTooShallPassOneDay · 11/03/2021 21:00

@Iamclearlyamug wow! I can't believe he ended it like that. What a cowardly piece of shit!

anditgoeson · 11/03/2021 21:22

Thank you 😊 Its by Dr Amir Lavine and its revolutionised the way I see my self and relationships. Its about attachment styles and romantic love and relationships. It so good. It has really great advice in it. Some jaw dropping moments for me reading it.

crochetmonkey74 · 11/03/2021 21:49

Some days I feel like the possibility of dating again is exciting and I have lots of real world positive stories but then I click on the MN dating threads and i get petrified. Then another day, the thought of never touching my ex again or holding his face just floors me. I think that's what I am finding hard. The unpredictable emotions daily or sometimes hourly!

fedup078 · 11/03/2021 21:57

@anditgoeson 4 days for me too, I'm going through every possible emotion
@Iamclearlyamug I lost so much weight when my ex dumped me by ignoring me til I went away after a silly row. By the end of year I was becoming dangerously underweight, not sure if I'd still be here if I hadn't met dh when I did ... and now we're splitting up but I don't feel the absolute devastation this time . It's a totally different sort of break up

Ofalltheginjoints · 11/03/2021 23:39

@Iamclearlyamug I’m so sorry it ended like that as someone earlier said what a coward

@fedup078 I’m glad that your not feeling that way, no one is worth making yourself ill over (says me who needs to practice what I preach)

fedup078 · 12/03/2021 04:30

@Ofalltheginjoints it's not a choice we make it's grief . I've never felt anything like it not even when someone has actually died
You literally don't feel hungry and your stomach doesn't even rumble
I still remember this awful feeling waking up every morning and having to remember what had happened . I can't really describe the feeling

Iamclearlyamug · 12/03/2021 04:45

@fedup078 you explained that so well 🤦‍♂️ That’s exactly how I feel, I’ve always absolutely loved food so suddenly not even having a stomach rumble is very strange. I’ve just got everything saying omg you’ve lost so much weight, how did you do it? As if I was actively trying and they could do it too 🤦‍♀️

Thanks everyone, one day I’ll appreciate how cowardly he was but for now I really struggle because we used to talk on and off all day every day and now just nothing at all 😔😔

wow1111 · 12/03/2021 07:14

I just still can't get over my break up, I knew that the end of last year we were getting on top of each other, we had a lot of personal issues and we moved in with family so that didn't help either but I only ever wanted a bit of space and he's just full on ended everything. Don't understand how he can be so adamant just like that when he says I'm the love of his life

fedup078 · 12/03/2021 07:36

@wow1111
Awful isn't it
So confusing
I can't understand how dh can choose alcohol over his family when he's not actually dependant on it. This would be easier to take if he was a rattling alcoholic and not someone who chooses to get absolutely ridiculously drunk every few weeks
My ex also said I was his 'soul mate' he'd been banging on about getting married right before he ghosted me
I honestly don't think I'll ever bother with a relationship again

wow1111 · 12/03/2021 07:42

Well me and my husband had started planning for a baby literally two months before hand and was looking at buying our own house?! It's just honestly shocked me so much and I think its the shock whats just making is so hard to let go! Iv also had quite a few mixed messages to but then I said no contact apart from sorting our pets out

MotherHaryy · 12/03/2021 07:56

I am going to put it out there and say -- we are all going to be okay! Fake it til we make it right?We got this ladies🙌

I am off to get a new car today as my EX has been driving round looking for my car, I know this as I have multiple messages telling me I can't hide it forever 🙄🙄 today feels like a good day. I don't even know how to explain how it feels, I feel hurt, this break up was coming and I actually ended it so do I have the right to be sad? I've had 63 messages from him last night - this isn't making it any easier.